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Why I’m never allowed to help with my little brother’s homework again.

June 10th, 2010 by LT Ronald

I have a 16 year old little brother, and a couple of college degrees. Because of that my mother has asked me to assist my little brother from time to time with homework assignments.

For the first assignment my degree had nothing to do with me being asked to help, just having been in college did.

Mom: Your brother needs help, he has been assigned to list some of the best cheesy pick-up lines out there.

Me: (without skipping a beat)

1. Did it hurt? (girl): no, or, when, or, what are you talking about? (Me): When you fell from heaven.

2. Aren’t you that girl who’s having sex with that Wagner guy? (Girl): No. (Me): You wanna be?

3. If I could change the dictionary I’d put U and I together.

4. Wanna play Pearl Harbor? I could lay down and you could blow the hell out of me.

5. If I told you that you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

6. Did your father work at an explosives plant? Because your ass is da bomb.

I have about 20 more, but you get the idea. And I’m sure that there will be over 100 comments listing all kind of others, because you readers rock like that.

The second time my mom asked me to help my brother was on a 4 hour plane flight back from a family vacation in Vegas . For this assignment he was tasked with providing a sentence with a thesis and three supportive sections. She had intended for me to explain to him what the teacher was looking for in the exercise, not to do the exercise for him, but once I read the questions, I couldn’t help myself: (remember that this was a 15 year-old at the time)

Name a problem and  issues you face as teenager.

My girlfriend has missed her period, I wonder if it’s mine, I wonder if she believes in abortion, and I wonder if I can talk her into believing in abortion.

What is your main career aspiration and why.

When I grow up I want to be a pimp, mostly because I get to wear a furry hat, I will always have a date, and things will get really interesting when I have to put on my big rings and slap a ho!

Name someone you look up to and why.

I have always looked up to my oldest brother, because he has a smoking hot fiance, kicks puppies, and does my homework for me. (my new fiance was sitting beside me while I was writing this.)

What do you want most out of life right now and why?

I really want to know if that smoking hot stewardess flight attendant really offers coffee, tea, or me, mostly because she keeps coming over to see why I’m smiling while writing this, has asked to read it, and is waiting for me to finish this sentence.

After the flight attendant read the page she doubled over in laughter, took it to the back of the plane, and since it was a Southwest flight and Southwest is awesome, read aloud most of the assignment over the plane’s PA system.

The look of embarrassment on my mother’s face was perhaps the most priceless moment of all! She told me I’d never be allowed to help my brother with his homework again.

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23 Responses to “Why I’m never allowed to help with my little brother’s homework again.”

  1. ArchaicDome Says:

    Ron, you’re my favorite. :)


  2. Wyvrex Says:

    This what we call, a great success.

    And lets get this pickup line train rolling

    (him) That shirt is very becoming on you. Of course if i was on you, i would be cumming too!


  3. graveone Says:

    Lt did you rickrolled an entire plane???

    marring now… what right NOW NO!!!!


  4. Anonymous and STILL Employed Says:

    This is what rocks about being the oldest of six. My life is filled with moments like this. Personal favourite has to be the time my thirteen year old brother ended up wasted because he kept coming and asking me and my friends “hey, what does that taste like?” while we were mixing cocktails.

    CAPTCHA: Paleness brother – yeah, he was a little pale


    David reply on June 10th, 2010 3:49 pm:

    You’re horrible.
    In that awesome, I-wish-I-had-that-kind-of-balls way.

    CAPTCHA: of Brisket. No… I don’t want balls of brisket, thank you very much.


  5. Schwal Says:

    I remember the greatest announcement i ever heard on Southwest: “We a now landing at Boston/Logan International Airport where the local time is 1:15 PM and the temperature is 98 degrees Fahrenheit, or for you metric users, /way to hot/.


  6. Norris Says:

    i guess i’ll add to the pick up line train

    (him) Hey, wanna go halfsies on an illegitimate child?


    CCO reply on June 10th, 2010 3:21 pm:

    That’s not cheesy. That’s just bad!


  7. David Says:

    Full credit to xkcd.

    That shirt looks good on you, but it would look better stuffed into the neck of a full liquor bottle and thrown burning into a building.


  8. Shadowydreamer Says:

    “Nice pants, can I talk you out of them?”
    “Nice shoes, wanna f*ck?”

    I never claimed to be a classy Canadian, just polite. :)


  9. Devil Doc Says:

    cheesy pickup line: There are 206 bones in the human body…want another?


    oneluckyduck reply on August 27th, 2010 1:08 am:

    Bu…bu…but…But there are no bones in the human male reproductive organs!
    (Funny enough, there are in other animals. Another Bible interpretation is that God took /that/ bone out of Adam to make Eve, which explains why males and females have the same number of ribs.)
    (There’s a picture of /that/ bone on the wikipedia page on raccoons. However, I haven’t found the bible website that gave the alt. explanation, sadly)
    Captcha: mordebox of
    Mordebox of what! What! It sounds like something I want!


  10. CB Says:

    Southwest is indeed awesome. On a Vegas – Salt Lake City flight I was on, their pre-flight speech went as follows:

    “In the highly unlikely event of an emergency water landing in the middle of the Nevada desert, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. Although we do not expect a drastic change in cabin pressure – if we did, we wouldn’t have come in to work today – in the event of one, air masks will drop from the ceiling.”


  11. Anonymous and STILL Employed Says:

    “Hey baby, how about you come back to my place and slip into something a little more naked?”
    I’ve actually seen that one work before – Lucky SOB


  12. Anon Says:

    “Is that a keg in your pants?”

    “Cuz I’d like to tap that ass”
    I bought a guy a drink for that one because it made me laugh.


  13. Elements Rook Says:

    some of my faves that has served me well
    “Amuse me and Ill buy you a drink”
    “nice dress, it will look nice waded up next to my bed”
    “leather, iron or silk?”
    “how badly do we want to piss off your current relationship/parents/minister?”

    CAPTCHA: cliques up |so true so true


  14. spcMIKE Says:

    And that is why I try to fly Southwest as much as possible.


  15. M578Jockey Says:

    Well there is always the direct approach. I was hitting up a nce young English girl outside the contonment area in Crete when a drunken friend of mine walks up and says “How would you like to have some…serious sex?” Damned if the SOB didn’t end up with her that night.

    Captcha: umbrage six – yes I took umbrage, but, in the end, I had to applaud something that worked that well.


  16. Kat Says:

    I’ve only had one one-night stand ever, at the time I only knew his last name (it was on his uniform) so I asked his last name, he said “It’s Luke, remember that, you’ll be screaming it later”
    Of course, I ended up marrying him, but that’s another story…
    Captcha nonsense suspect – I didn’t suspect any nonsense, but I always get it.


  17. Brass Says:

    Do you work for UPS? Because I thought I saw you checking out my package.


  18. Andrew Says:

    One of the oddest lines I’ve ever heard, that still worked:

    “Are you an ophiditologist? Cause if you are I have a “snake” I’d like to show you.”

    What??? I said it was odd…

    Cpatcha: Attrition icicles – All those poor kids eyes!


  19. StoneWolf Says:

    First thing I said to my last girlfriend, “Who pissed in your chips?” She was being snarky and I think she was surprised/impressed that I’d be snarky back to the hot redhead nurse.


  20. David B Says:

    Here are some corny ones:
    That dress would look even better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8m/s/s
    You must the speed of light, because time stops when I look at you
    There is something wrong with my phone. It doesn’t have your number.
    I wish I was Adenine, because then I could get paired with U. (Uranium)
    And finally,
    Baby, I’ll treat you like my homework. Slam you on the table and do you all night long!


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