Lorna’s Hockey List.
Things I have learnt attending hockey games; from professional to my friends’ kids.
(Submitted by Lorna)
1) I am not allowed to call the very big men with blunt weapons “A BUNCH OF SISSIES!” and hide behind my brother. Or my friend’s husband. Or my tiny blonde friend.
2) I am not allowed to call the very big men with blunt weapons any names.
3) I am not allowed to tap on the Plexiglas behind the guest team and ask them when hockey players started swallowing instead of spitting.
4) I am DEFINITELY not allowed to ask the same players which their boyfriends prefer, since they seem to excel at sucking.
5) I am not allowed to talk to the hockey players.
6) I am not allowed to communicate with any being on the ice, not limited to players, referees, linesmen, guy destroying our national anthem or the hat boys.
7) I am not allowed to talk to the coaches either.
8) Nor am I allowed to talk to anyone on the bench.
9) In fact, why don’t I just sit there and be quiet and stop trying to get my favourite older brother killed? (And he’s the one who went to a Red Wings game wearing a Canucks jersey IN DETROIT!)
10) I am not allowed to try and give married hockey players my phone number. (In my defense, it’s not like I could see the rings they’re not wearing under their gloves.)
11) I am to remember I’m not allowed to talk to the hockey players and for the love of God, please stop trying to pick up big, hairy, sweaty men.
12) No, I’m not allowed to pick up non-sweaty men either. Or non-hairy. Or small. Well, okay, maybe if they have two seat season tickets and I don’t want to go to all the games with them.
13) I am really, really, REALLY not allowed to toss my friend’s beer at the ref. It’s a waste of good beer since the safest place to be is where I’m aiming. (I didn’t ACTUALLY do this..)
14) I am not allowed to yell “THE PANTHERS PLAYED BETTER THAN THIS!” in a sold out crowd at a Canuck’s game.
15) I am not allowed to wear a Flames jersey to see the Canucks when the Flames aren’t even playing. (Hey, it’s not like I actually own one!)
16) After the fourth time I ask “Okay, so which one is Matt Cooke?” my brother is allowed to hit me later. (Apparently smacking a woman when surrounded by beer fueled hockey fans is a BAD IDEA.)
17) No, I can’t burp “Oh Canada.”
18) No, I can’t have beer. GM Place does not sell gluten free beer, stop asking at each damn cart and concession.
19) Real hockey fans don’t drink green tea. (So told to me by a concession guy!)
20) Yes, the 17 year old Juniors skate with the kids after the game, but they’re 17 and have more energy than the players in the NHL. No, I’m not allowed to ask for energy level demonstrations.
21) I’m not allowed to yell “MY MOTHER CAN SKATE BETTER THAN THAT, and she’s OLD AND IRISH!” at the centre forward. Or anyone else. Stop talking to the players.
22) I am not allowed to ask The Chief why he’s the mascot for the Chilliwack Bruins instead of going to Langley with the (now) Langley Chiefs.
23) I am not allowed to invite Fin, the Canucks mascot, back home for some sushi. (He’s a whale.)
24) Y’know what? I’m not allowed to talk to any of the mascots either.
25) Okay, I am allowed to taunt, torment and harass the CFOX fox as much as I like.
26) I am not allowed to brandish my lighter ala rock ballad during the singing of the national anthems.
27) I am not allowed to talk to the security personnel. Even if I do know them from Sci-Fi conventions.
28) I am not allowed to pretend to be a lesbian to get better seats.. unless they have two spare.
29) I am not allowed to talk to random people on the SkyTrain. I am scaring the Vancouver’ites by being cheerful and friendly.
30) No, sharing pictures of my pet rabbit with the huge mohawked guy showing me pictures of his kids is not normal.
31) I am not allowed to make my brother wonder why our parents didn’t stop at one every fifteen seconds. No, not every sixteen seconds either.
32) Talking female plumbing problems with a woman I just met is not normal either. No, not even “Lorna normal”.
33) I am not allowed to make thirteen year old boys cry.
34) Not even if they were being ice hogs.
35) No I may not drive the zamboni, no, I’m not allowed to ask, and I’m certainly not allowed to try and chat up any and all Zamboni drivers.
36) I am not allowed to offer the ref a gift certificate to a eye exam chain.
37) FUBAR may be a perfectly good description of the game, but I’m also not allowed to explain to thirteen year old boys what it means/stands for.
38) Yes, the thirteen year old boys may know better profanity than me, but I’m not allowed to play vocab swap.
39) I am not allowed to use language learned from drunk members of Canada’s military. Or sober ones, for that matter. Or America’s military. Or… Y’know what? No military terminology.
40) Offering a cookie per goal to thirteen year olds may be a good bribe, but make sure the parents know why I am giving their kids cookies.
41) I am most certainly NOT allowed to give the opposing team ex-lax cookies. (Not that I REALLY wanted to. Honest!)
42) I am allowed to embarrass my friends’ kids – I am not allowed to ask people next to me their kid’s names so I can embarrass them too.
43) I am not allowed to tell an eight year old that I drink green tea because green is like grass and I’m allergic to pot. (Not like she understood what grass has in common with cooking implements anyway!)
44) I am allowed to entertain several ten year old boys with stories of the incoming zombie apocalypse between periods. Apparently anything is allowed if it keeps boys quiet and in one place for ten minutes?
45) I am to take my friend’s usage of the word “anything” to mean “anything SHE would do” NOT “anything *I* would do”
46) I am not allowed to start fights with hockey parents – even if they are being obnoxious, loud-mouthed assholes.
47) I am allowed to make snarky comments about said hockey parents loud enough to carry only if my friend’s husband is NOT between me and said parents.
48) I am still not allowed to ask to drive the zamboni.
49) Giggling over a player tripping over his own stick comes under the “Not allowed to make thirteen year olds cry rule.” Even if it was f’n funny and he did it twice in one game.
40) Buying my brother Starbucks or my friends Timmy’s may not forgive all, but it’s a good start. Add Tylenol.
Follow
November 1st, 2009 at 7:57 pm
WOO! Skippy published my list! *Feels all special!*
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ltc_insane reply on November 1st, 2009 9:58 pm:
lol you are a very evil woman ……….. i approve :P
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Froglet reply on November 2nd, 2009 12:49 am:
Your brother doesn’t like Timmies? What, is he American??
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StoneWolf reply on November 2nd, 2009 5:43 am:
What’s Timmies? Yes, I’m an American.
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Enigmatick reply on November 2nd, 2009 6:28 am:
Tim Horton’s, a Canadian Coffee and donut shop chain (Owned by Wendy’s by the way).
Enigmatick reply on November 2nd, 2009 6:31 am:
They’re very big on hockey, being co-founded and named after a professional hockey player. In Canada they are a major sponsor of minor hockey.
CAPTCHA – evicting 1972 – The year my brother was born, so I’m trying to forget it even existed.
Random reply on November 2nd, 2009 10:58 am:
Enigmatick: Actually, Wendy’s sold it off a while ago – it’s a Canadian corporation again as of June 29 this year.
SPC Randall reply on November 2nd, 2009 12:24 pm:
Ha, We have one in Kandahar Airforce base afghanistan.
Realy awesome place.
spc ward reply on November 3rd, 2009 5:18 am:
its the canadian starbucks
Shadowydreamer reply on November 3rd, 2009 9:17 am:
@spc_ward *&@$ no it’s not :)
Starbucks is upper class coffee with fancy artsy foods. Timmy’s is cuppa joe with donuts :)
Shadowydreamer reply on November 2nd, 2009 7:29 pm:
LOL Froglet!
While my brother will drink Timmy’s.. he prefers Starbucks since they make his what’s the point latte. (No fat, yada yada)
Most games in Canuckland played by juniors and up have “Timbit” hockey between the first and second periods. Basically the little guys (4 – 6) come out and play some hockey on the big boy ice. Who refs, etc, depends on the arena. But Finn, the Canuck’s mascot, is well known for helping the team that’s down by cheating :)
and yes, the conservatives brough Timmy’s home. They did SOMETHING right. ;)
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November 2nd, 2009 at 6:44 am
Slow Clap!
I have been attending Hockey games regularly only the past two years or so. I must give my fiance this list. She is a bigger Hockey fan than me, but I just love that we get to go watch sports and drink beer.
Congrats on first post! Hope to see more like this in the future.
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Shadowydreamer reply on November 2nd, 2009 7:30 pm:
Aww.. thanks! :) Obviously your lady is a woman of taste as a hockey fan. :D
Well, as long as she isn’t a no good, stinkin’, outta be laughed outta the NHL Toronto Maple Leafs fan.. ;)
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November 2nd, 2009 at 7:21 am
In reference to Rule #39 – what? We in the United States Army (and its auxiliary branches) don’t have any unseemly phrases or terminology we use, and none of our members would ever say anything untoward or thought of as rude, crude, and socially unacceptable… *snortGUFFAW!* Yeah, sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face on that one, either. Yeah, learning fun phrases from military people will just earn you dirty looks in public. Best to only use them around friends you know.
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Jim A reply on November 2nd, 2009 10:18 am:
A friend’s little brother came back brom basic training, and somebody had to caution him about his carpet f-bombing of the family at Thanksgiving.
captcha: robbing avant-garde–Describes the art(expletive)s did to a perfectly good military term.
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Kitty reply on November 2nd, 2009 11:49 am:
Generally the British military has much better swear and curse terms than the American. I am just about ready to swap my Padawan robe for the robe of a complete master in them :D
And yes my mother is ready to kill me.
“33) I am not allowed to make thirteen year old boys cry” – why the hell not? Thats what they are there for isn’t it?!
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Minty reply on November 2nd, 2009 4:56 pm:
That’s about the age when you need to start making fun of them to keep them from getting a swelled head.
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Shadowydreamer reply on November 2nd, 2009 7:32 pm:
I think the reason provided at the time to my ‘Aww.. why not??’ was “JUST CAUSE!” to which I said to my friend, “Fiiiine, you’re such a MOM.”
My Dad was RAF, but as an officer and a supposed gentleman, I don’t think I ever heard him swear until I was well past the age of majority.. and I still have a way worse potty mouth than he does. :)
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StoneWolf reply on November 3rd, 2009 5:39 am:
My father used to reprimand me for swearing. Problem was, I do it less than him and I learned every swear I know in English and Spanish from him.
SPC Randall reply on November 2nd, 2009 12:29 pm:
“BOHICA”
BEND OVER HERE IT COMES AGAIN
“SNAFU”
SITUATION NORMAL ALL F***ED UP
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Viper Chief reply on November 2nd, 2009 5:17 pm:
A personal favorite when pilots talk to me about anything related to what they think of how my jet flew:
DILIGAF- Do I look like I give a F@*! ?
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SPC Randall reply on November 2nd, 2009 5:31 pm:
That’s a good one Viper.
M578Jockey reply on November 3rd, 2009 3:39 pm:
My favorite was always WETSU – We Eat This Shit Up. Especially when I got stationed in an airhead Air Defense unit.
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Sequoia reply on November 3rd, 2009 5:30 pm:
FIGMO-Fuck you I’ve Got My Orders.
Grayson reply on November 10th, 2009 11:46 pm:
NEPUT – Non Electrical Pop Up Target. Refers to badguys carrying guns who happen to be in range of Canadians carrying guns.
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Shadowydreamer reply on November 11th, 2009 10:09 am:
Pffft.. everyone knows Canadians don’t carry guns. We bring beer and get the Americans to shoot stuff for us!
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:05 am
Not allowed to say to people from Phoenix “You stole my team and then you ruined them!”
(only works if you’re from Winnipeg)
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Matt reply on November 2nd, 2009 1:51 pm:
Most of us that live in and around Phoenix are still trying to figure out why in the world someone thought Ice Hockey and the DESERT were compatible!! The only reason the Coyotes suck is because we let them hang around with the Cardinals.
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Shadowydreamer reply on November 2nd, 2009 7:26 pm:
I was under the impression that the Coyotes were doing okay financially until they moved out into the new arena which is in the middle of BFNW.
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Enigmatick reply on November 3rd, 2009 6:18 am:
Be that as it may, it’s still WRONG to move a hockey team to the middle of the desert. As a Winnipegger, I now have to put up with everyone around me getting so excited every time there is even the slightest hint of a possibility that the NHL might return. On my part, the Jets’ move to Phoenix was the final nail in the coffin for my interest in the NHL. First there was the Gretzky Trade, followed by Disney’s involvement, the introduction of the shootout, and FOXTrax (Thank God THAT didn’t last). All these changes may have saved the NHL’s pocketbook. but it killed their soul, if you ask me.
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
#51) When two players get into a fight, I’m not allowed to yell ‘My Grandmother hits harder than that and she’s dead!’ (Guilty.)
#52) When getting an autograph from a player, I’m not allowed to ask if those are his real teeth. (Not me.)
#53) When a puck is flying towards me at near mach speeds, I’m not allowed to yell ‘Oh F**k’ loud enough for the entire stadium to hear. ‘Oh Shit’ is peferrable. (yup, that’d be me)
glad you made this list. My mother is as much of a hockey nerd as I am, she’ll enjoy it too!
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November 2nd, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Oh the pain. I look for a fun list from Skippy, and what do I see? something about HOCKEY!
It really hurts for a Whalers fan to read about hockey these days. It may have been thirteen years, but it still hurts.
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Shadowydreamer reply on November 2nd, 2009 9:57 pm:
But did i make you cry?
Hey.. you mentioned the thirteen years bit :)
Captcha : 2:12 revolution. Hmm. if that were 0212, I’d be worried .. but everyone knows zombies are off drinking tea in the afternoon.
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tenhigh reply on November 3rd, 2009 3:26 am:
No, I manfully restrained myself from crying through a treatment of whiskey and punching Hurricanes Mascots.
It took me ten years to acknowledge the desertion of the Whalers, and it still makes me want to beat the crap out of anyone wearing a Hurricanes jersey. I really hope I’m never stationed in the Carolinas…
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Detritus reply on November 3rd, 2009 10:09 am:
the Hurricanes ANOTHER team that had the locals going WTF?!?
But then we realized it was because all the Canadians and Yankees were gettin homesick for their bizzare northern blood-letting ritual.
seriously, Hockey in NC? come on, central NC is so over focused on Basket ball they can’t put together a FOOTBALL team.
guess it’s not quite as bad as AZ or, and this one REALLy got me, the North Stars moving to Dallas!
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:39 am
Oi! Its American Football ok? A game for wimps who have to wear body armour. Real Football is a game for real sportsmen, and I do not mean the overpaid fashion disasters that are the Premiership players either.
Personally i prefer rugby, but only since they started wearing those tight lycra-esque strips that show off some rather buff bodies these days…. ;)
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paula reply on November 3rd, 2009 1:47 pm:
or as a friend of mine said, when asked what she enjoyed about her first-ever live (American) football game, “I LOVE those TIGHT ENDS!)
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Shadowydreamer reply on November 3rd, 2009 7:38 pm:
If you want a rough and ready sport – try lacrosse. As near as I can tell the idea is to beat the other players with your stick. It’s legal as long as you hit them between neck and knees. Getting the ball in the net seems to be incidental.
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Grayson reply on November 10th, 2009 11:54 pm:
A good (and slightly deranged) friend of mine once told me that rugby was a violent game played by rough, tough men with leather balls.
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November 10th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Oh, Lorna, by the way…
Regarding # 41…
You wouldn’t by some chance just happen to have a recipe for X-Lax cookies filed away somewhere,would you? 8~)
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Shadowydreamer reply on November 11th, 2009 10:08 am:
Me? Of course not. I’m a sweet innocent Canadian who wouldn’t know..
But honestly – if you use too much you could kill someone due to dehydration. So you shouldn’t use more than two pieces per batch.
Not that I’d know. :)
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Grayson reply on November 13th, 2009 2:52 pm:
I just had to open my big mouth….
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