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Where are you going?

October 29th, 2009 by LT Ronald

I drink a lot. No, I’m not an alcoholic, though I do occasionally partake in a beer or two. I went from a gall bladder removal surgery to a broken toe that kept me from running for almost 6 months. Since I’ve always been a borderline PT passer, I’ve fallen under the border. Since I have to get back to PT shape by January I have been working out a lot and taking supplements. When you work out a lot and take supplements you drink a lot. When you drink a lot, you piss a lot. At all hours of the day and night.

My fiance is a “nervous” sleeper. No matter how we have arranged a bed in any place we have lived, I have always had to sleep closest to the door so that when the monsters come I can fight them off before they hurt her. I love how naive she is… Everyone knows that monsters come out of the closet. Except her, and I’ll never tell, because while they feast on her flesh I’ll be halfway down the block!

When I get up to go in the middle of the night she always groggily asks me “Where are you going?” or “What are you doing?” For a while I would just tell her that I was going to take a piss, but after about the third time my tolerance for answering the same question over and over again got low:

HER: Where are you going?

ME: “They are having a midget tossing  competition at the rodeo grounds and I’m gonna go toss me some little people!”

HER: “Ass”

Because she is still half asleep she doesn’t realize that she keeps doing it. So this has been going on for over 2 weeks now.

HER: Where are you going?/What are you doing?

ME: Commissioner Gordon just called. The Joker is on the loose in Gotham. I’m BATMAN!

HER: Ass

ME: Me and Bubba’s goin’ cow-tippin.

HER: Ass

ME: I got to go wash my hands. I just crushed this huge spider that was on your pillow.

HER: What the Fuck!?!? Where??? Oh…. You Ass!

ME: Come on honey. We’re going streaking, down by the quad!

HER: Ass

ME: VIAGRA (kept on walking without another word)

HER: Ass, we don’t have 4 hours before work anyway!

ME: I’m heading out to check the perimeter, I buried some landmines in the back yard last night.

HER: Ass

ME: Rosie O’ Donnell is single again! I’m going hogging!

HER: Ass

ME: You looked so peaceful sleeping there and I didn’t want to bother you, but I had this uncontrollable urge to teabag someone, so I was headed to our roommates’ room.

HER: Ass

I’m starting to run out of witty retorts, can you guys help me?

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37 Responses to “Where are you going?”

  1. Catherine Says:

    I’m possessed by a demon and am going to feast on the souls of the innocent.

    I just got this killer urge to kick a puppy.

    There’s a drifter outside, I have to go kill him.

    The Ghostbusters just blew up the Stay-puffed marshmallow man and I’m going to make some S’mores.

    I sense the presence of another Immortal, and must behead him and gain his power through the Quickening.

    Jessica Alba is outside asking for help giving herself a breast exam.

    They’re filming “Girls Gone Wild” in our yard and need another cameraman.

    The mutated hillbilly I keep in the basement needs feeding.

    I really really need to shave my balls.

    I was getting you a breath mint.

    I’ve got more where that came from!


    SKD reply on October 29th, 2009 9:09 pm:

    “I was getting you a breath mint.”

    If that doesn’t get you killed in ways no jury made of women would convict her of…. Count your blessings because you likely won’t get off so easily next time.


    LT Ronald reply on October 31st, 2009 5:36 am:

    I used the “I really really need to shave my balls.” one last night.


  2. Arcanum Says:

    “Shit, John at the lab said that shot would keep you out for another three hours!”
    “I think some little green men just landed in the backyard. I’m gonna go get abducted.”
    “Snipe hunting.”
    “Marking my territory.”
    “Your needs a booty call.”
    “Hunting the sock gnomes.”
    “Watching for the black helicopters.”
    “Hunting the North American grue in it’s natural habitat.”
    “I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”
    “Lookin’ fer a bear to wrassle!”
    “I’m about to take the test, but I think you’re going to be a father!”
    “Don’t worry, I’m getting a good price for you on eBay!”
    “Do any of us really know what we’re doing or where we’re going? Aren’t we all just adrift on the sea of life, fruitlessly bailing water until we finally sink below the surface?”


    Arcanum reply on October 29th, 2009 9:12 pm:

    The fifth one should be “Your [mom/sister/aunt/etc] needs a booty call.”


  3. Sean Says:

    Here’s a LOST reference:

    I’ve to go push the button, or we all die.


  4. Strange Says:

    The Harlem Globetrotters called, Curly Neal twisted an ankle and they need a replacement.

    The zombie overlord is at the door.

    Chuck Norris needs a medic.


  5. Shadowydreamer Says:

    ..band camp!
    ..off to see the wizard (..the wonderful wizard of oz)
    ..rodeo drive.
    ..Madonna’s Open House!
    ..Minnie Mouse called me to the mouse house!
    ..store. Can’t go during the day, I’ll sparkle.
    ..Monster’s being slow to come get you, I’m going looking.
    ..Bunny stunt team is recruiting, I’m their driver.
    ..Nowhere, where are YOU going?
    ..I’m hoping upper management. No work, good pay.
    ..Filling in for Floyd in Dr Teeth’s Electric Mayhem band!
    ..can’t talk now, MUNCHIES.
    ..sometimes I just don’t feel fresh.
    ..Nrrrrr.. brrraaaains..


    Tervic reply on November 5th, 2009 3:22 pm:

    Hahaha the brains one is awesome.

    A couple more suggestions:

    …to Infinity, and beyond!
    …*gragghh…blaghawagharrrsnarrrggghll! HISSSSSSSSS*


  6. vittles Says:

    I thought i heard something in the kitchen

    Santa is here

    The TV people told me to wait for them outside

    There is a guy in a clown suit in the living room, says he has candy, wanna come?

    I’m going to shoot down that CIA satellite once and for all so that can’t control us


  7. Justyn Cyder Says:

    To post the video we just made…….

    To get something to wipe my “sneeze” off your face with

    To see my other wife

    Time to change my power cells…..

    Feed the hedgehog

    Feed the chupacabra

    Eat brains

    I’m gonna go graffiti an overpass

    To clone a dinosaur

    Outer space



    Vacation, see ya in a month!

    I have to kill Bill!


  8. Ian M Says:

    … I’ll Be Back. (in your best ‘Arnie’ voice, naturally)


    Ian M reply on October 30th, 2009 5:13 am:

    … NORAD just called. We have about ten minutes before the first wave of nukes hit.


  9. Tzanti Says:

    …I’ve got to turn the car back into a pumpkin
    …for a long walk off a short pier
    …I’m playing catch with Freddie Flintoff
    …to wind-up the monsters
    …to pose naked for Google Earth
    …I’m swapping places with the monster
    …to water the mogwai
    …I’m buying you a triffid for our anniversary
    …I’m getting decorating tips from Banksy
    …I’m calling 1-800-STEPFORD for a quote

    Or just be accurate about it…

    I’m off…for a Whizz
    for a Whazz
    for a squirt
    for a Jimmy (Riddle)
    for a quick conversion
    to make some room
    to point Percy and the porcelain
    to see a man about a dog/ferret/budgerigar/dragon/alien/frog
    to water the donkey/elephant/yak/misses
    to stuff loads of paper down the toilets
    au Kharzay, mon-sewer/mam-zell
    au Pee-swarz
    au Twar-let
    to find the great tree of Ahhhh!

    That ought to keep you going.

    captcha: ers borers – she will be by the end of this lot.


  10. Matt Says:

    Going to refill the lemonade pitcher in the ‘fridge…

    Captha: evilest Ruth… Now how do they know my mother in law?


  11. Jim C Says:

    I have to swap places with my evil twin.

    Time to make the donuts.

    Radar said we have copters in bound.

    2 hours before launch, time to preflight.

    The phones not working and the lights are out, but I can hear someone downstairs trying to fix it.

    Fire alarm keeps going off, I am going to take out the batteries.


  12. Matt Says:

    A coupld of others….

    I’m going to make freinds with the demons haunting my dreams.

    The voices in my head said to load the magazines and sharpend the knives…

    However, if you are known or suspected to be a PTSD suffere, either of the above could wind you up in the Psyche ward at FT Bliss.


  13. Jim A Says:

    (shouting) I’m going to Disneyworld!


  14. Billy Says:

    And nobody else came up with the idea to plant subliminal messeges into her head? If she wakes up, the just passes out again to forget, you could use that to really mess with her…


  15. David Says:

    “Hold still, I’m getting the camera!”
    “Yo! Honey! I know you were sleepin’ and Imma let you finish, but Rip Van Winkle had the best night sleep of all time! Of all time!”


  16. David Says:

    “The Rapture just happened. I’ve got dibs on our neighbor’s stuff!”


    Matt reply on October 31st, 2009 4:36 pm:

    That was an aspect of the rapture I never considered before. Something to look forward to!


  17. Phelps Says:

    The couch. I shat all over my side.

    I just thought I might mosey over to the War room for a few minutes. See what’s doing over there.

    I’ve got the fever for a flavor of a pringles.

    Time to make the donuts.


  18. Dave in NC Says:

    Or just lie:



    Your mom’s

    Your dad’s

    Your friends are at the door for that orgy you agreed

    Coco Bongo

    Can’t sleep, clowns’ll eat me.

    To clean up the mess you left in the bathroom.

    Baby needs changing.

    Have to feed Sloth

    Krueger’s at the door.

    Leia needs help. I’m her only hope.

    (like in The Gods Must Be Crazy)

    Mercia for some coconuts (gallop away like Arthur in M. Python.)

    To make like the French and “oui oui”

    To take a wicked “yes”

    Water the flowers

    Fox 1…maybe Fox 2

    How about less questions and more more shut the hell up!


    Dave in NC reply on October 30th, 2009 12:22 pm:

    damn it, should have been clicking like the bushmen in The Gods Must Be Crazy


  19. Stickfodder Says:

    Halloweens coming, I’ve got to load up the apples with razorblades.


  20. Minty Says:

    To get a baseball bat. Saw a tentacle under the bed/in the closet.

    To make an offering to the Porcelain God.


    Sometimes I just feel like conquering large parts of Europe. (Intendum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum for purists).

    Can’t think of anything else right now.


    TheShadowCat reply on October 30th, 2009 5:18 pm:

    You wouldn’t perchance be a Patricia Briggs fan would you?


    Minty reply on October 30th, 2009 5:25 pm:

    Yep, but I first heard that line in Latin I in college. Yeah, I’m a big ol’ dork.


  21. LT Ronald Says:

    You know what I just love about this site? Everytime I ask for stuff everyone gives me so much great material.

    Question? I understand that I retain the copywrite for stories that I submit. I’m considering publishing a bunch of my stories. If I want to use items out of the comments how do I go about assigning royalties. That is of course if I make any money from my writing?


    Sequoia reply on October 31st, 2009 11:01 am:

    If you ever use something of mine, just attribute it to me. That’ll be good enough(for me anyways).


    Shadowydreamer reply on October 31st, 2009 11:15 am:

    As one of the printed writers on the block.. :)

    You have to ask each person individually and get their permission to print their thoughts/work. Compensation is typically offered, but most people don’t charge for quips, comments, observations or feedback.

    I’ve found a “Thanks!” in print goes a very long way :)

    Captcha : bride Franklin. I didn’t realize Ben got married.


  22. kat Says:

    I am also a very light sleeper (not nervous, just light… like, the cat walking into the room wakes me up light). My husband… isn’t. I wake up every time he twitches, him, not so much. When I was about seven months pregnant we were sleeping and I started feeling some pain and I noticed that the baby wasn’t moving. It didn’t feel to me like labor pain so I got up, drove myself to the hospital, was there for two hours and came home, my husband never even noticed. I told him the next day and he said, “Why didn’t you wake me up?” I told him that I didn’t feel like beating him over the head with a book.
    Captcha: Massachu- garbage – Are we commenting on linguistics now captcha?


  23. StoneWolf Says:

    “To Hell”

    “To meet the Persians at the Hot Gates.”

    “To bring ET home.”

    “To assimilate. Resistance is futile.”

    “Hungry. Heard there was this great little resurant at the end of the universe.”

    “Klatu Brada Nikto”

    “To play tiddlywinks.”

    “To consume the flesh of the unborn.”

    “Me? Where the hell are you going?”

    “I’m on a mission from God.”

    “To smite the unworthy.”

    “I’m not going, I’m coming.”


    “Gonna catch me a dolphin.”

    “Gotta kill Kenny” (South Park)


  24. Speed Says:

    The walls are bleeding.

    I want to play a game [deep gravely voice is best].

    What, you didn’t hear that explosion?

    Coach called my number! I’m in the game! [works only if she has a grasp of sports]


  25. Sequoia Says:



  26. Viper Chief Says:

    “To the ends of the earth and back.”

    “To the show”

    “Where those who don’t believe cannot travel”

    “Your mom called. I’ll be back in a half hour.” (even better if mother in law live far away)


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