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Archive for October 15th, 2008

The end of the world as we know it….

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

With only three weeks until the presidential election, I want to urge all my readers to choose wisely on November 4, because the next president we choose will be our last one. The world is going to end.

As one reader commented recently, the Mayan calendar calls out the date for our doom — Dec. 23, 2012. I know some people who are worried, because, carved in stone, the Mayans had the most accurate calendar of any in the ancient world.

I myself am holding out hope there’s a second rock they haven’t found yet — a rock that picks up on Dec. 24 and continues. Maybe the sculptor ran out of room on rock one. He was just chiseling away.

“Aww… dammit!”

“What’s the matter now?”

“I wanted to finish this our through 2012, and I thought I had room for eight more days.”

“Well, start over.”

“Start over? Are you crazy? This thing is due tomorrow!”

“That’s what you get for waiting until the last minute to complete your projects.”

“That’s really unhelpful right now, thank you.”

“Maybe you can make another one, like part two?”

“Are you kidding? I’m not about to chisel out another thousand years’ worth of days. My arms are tired.”

“Maybe in the future you’ll carve your ideas out on scratch rocks first.”

And now we’re all panicked over a spatial relations error.

I understand some people aren’t that interested in discussing the Mayans, so I’ll change the subject.

Aztecs.

The most famous Aztec emperor was Montezuma, and he left us the legacy of his name as a euphemism for diarrhea– Montezuma’s Revenge.

That is really immature. How’d that guy get to be emperor?

“Your majesty, the Conquistadors have arrived. They bring guns, germs and steel. It appears they mean business.”

“Well then, we shall send them a little peace offering. Hector, prepare the special brownies. We shall give them the shits!”

And they didn’t accept the peace offering, so Montezuma had to give his big Braveheart-style pre-battle speech.

“Men, we prepare today for a battle that we cannot win. We are outgunned, outgermed, out steeled. Our language, our culture, our homes will in all likelihood be wiped off the map. Our children killed, our wives raped. All future generations will know of us is how much we liked gold because that’s all the Spaniards are keeping. Still, we must fight with the ferocity of the jaguar, because if there is one thing they cannot destroy it is our honor… But first, let’s all go take a dump in the river. They will suck of our turdwater for a thousand years!”