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The end of the world as we know it….

October 15th, 2008 by todd merriman

With only three weeks until the presidential election, herbal I want to urge all my readers to choose wisely on November 4, because the next president we choose will be our last one. The world is going to end.

As one reader commented recently, the Mayan calendar calls out the date for our doom — Dec. 23, 2012. I know some people who are worried, because, carved in stone, the Mayans had the most accurate calendar of any in the ancient world.

I myself am holding out hope there’s a second rock they haven’t found yet — a rock that picks up on Dec. 24 and continues. Maybe the sculptor ran out of room on rock one. He was just chiseling away.

“Aww… dammit!”

“What’s the matter now?”

“I wanted to finish this our through 2012, and I thought I had room for eight more days.”

“Well, start over.”

“Start over? Are you crazy? This thing is due tomorrow!”

“That’s what you get for waiting until the last minute to complete your projects.”

“That’s really unhelpful right now, thank you.”

“Maybe you can make another one, like part two?”

“Are you kidding? I’m not about to chisel out another thousand years’ worth of days. My arms are tired.”

“Maybe in the future you’ll carve your ideas out on scratch rocks first.”

And now we’re all panicked over a spatial relations error.

I understand some people aren’t that interested in discussing the Mayans, so I’ll change the subject.


The most famous Aztec emperor was Montezuma, and he left us the legacy of his name as a euphemism for diarrhea– Montezuma’s Revenge.

That is really immature. How’d that guy get to be emperor?

“Your majesty, the Conquistadors have arrived. They bring guns, germs and steel. It appears they mean business.”

“Well then, we shall send them a little peace offering. Hector, prepare the special brownies. We shall give them the shits!”

And they didn’t accept the peace offering, so Montezuma had to give his big Braveheart-style pre-battle speech.

“Men, we prepare today for a battle that we cannot win. We are outgunned, outgermed, out steeled. Our language, our culture, our homes will in all likelihood be wiped off the map. Our children killed, our wives raped. All future generations will know of us is how much we liked gold because that’s all the Spaniards are keeping. Still, we must fight with the ferocity of the jaguar, because if there is one thing they cannot destroy it is our honor… But first, let’s all go take a dump in the river. They will suck of our turdwater for a thousand years!”

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19 Responses to “The end of the world as we know it….”

  1. dainis Says:

    That was awesome. You have made my late night study session that much more bearable. I laughed long and hard…punchline was full of win. Or is that the 3am hallucinations setting in? oh well…


    dainis reply on October 15th, 2008 1:21 pm:

    Hey! 1st to reply! Sweet!


    Schwal reply on October 15th, 2008 3:22 pm:

    Ha! 1st to reply to a reply! Sweet!


    Fractured Cell reply on October 15th, 2008 3:31 pm:

    Hey! 1st to reply to a reply to a reply!

    we come in peace, and incontinance pants.

  2. Andrew Says:

    Wow… if that isn’t a drunken ramble I don’t know what is. Funny as a bunny in hell too… Keep em coming Todd!


    Captcha: grated executive – Goes great with shredded justice


  3. Cal Says:

    Actually it’s December 21, 2012 but what’s a couple of days when we’re talking about a ginormous cataclysmic event which will decimate the entire world. Although perhaps Friday would be a better day to be vaporized than Sunday. The good news is that according to http://www.bottomlineredefined.com we can avoid the danger of instant non-existance if we’re careful. In any event I have some decisions to make. If I don’t buy my [life partner] a Christmas gift in 2012 and the world doesn’t end, I’m in trouble. If I spend more than I should because I figure I’ll never have to pay the bill, but the world doesn’t end I’m also in trouble. And if I spend what I can afford I’m in even more trouble.


  4. Richard Says:

    All the Mayan caleneder does is go to again for the first time in 5,125 years. The world ending is a bunch of New Age bullshit.


    PFC Barry reply on October 15th, 2008 10:45 pm:

    whats with the freaking end of the world shit. history channels been doing it all day too


    Minty reply on October 16th, 2008 7:17 am:

    Yes, it is, but it still sucks that the New Agers keep crying that the world may or may not end on a specific date that may or may not wind up being my birthday. Personally, that’s why I keep bringing it up when people get too uppity with all their happiness and positive thinking crap.


  5. Skye Says:

    What they don’t tell you is the the end of the world is coming because a politician actually tells the truth! BEWARE!


  6. Nate the Great Says:

    There’s a PBS documentary or something about Isaac Newton, and he predicted the end of the world will be 2060. All I can do is remember the Y2K bug and shake my head.

    captcha: Ulysses accepting…the end of the world?


  7. Stickfodder Says:

    For anything you may want to now about this December 21st 2012 end of the world stuff just [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/December_21_2012#2012_and_the_Long_Count]GO HERE[/url]


    Stickfodder reply on October 16th, 2008 7:22 am:

    well damn I was trying to do some BB Code and it didn’t work



  8. Catbunny Says:

    “They bring guns, germs and steel.”

    It is an interesting (although a bit dry…) book.

    captcha: churn Boston

    is that how you make the cream pie?


  9. Dees Says:

    I prefer to hold out a little hope that the world won’t be ending quite yet, maybe I am naive or maybe just a dreamer (captcha, fields dreamed, go figure)but, I have a little faith that there are still enough decent people in the world to get us through.
    Like I said, could be naive, but until the zombies attack, what can you do, LOL!


  10. Billy Says:

    I have actually been told by a coworker that there is a good chance that I may be one of the people there to lead everybody when the world as we know it ends. So, if that happens, then you know the world has ended and we are about to be destroyed, because no sane person would choose me as a leader.


    Stickfodder reply on October 17th, 2008 9:46 am:

    When the world ends the people to follow are the ones flawlessly singing R.E.M.’s It’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)


  11. GunRunner Says:

    Nope, the cream pie requires a female, preferably a willing one.

    captcha = 284 Wiggin…guess #285 was the willing one.


  12. Snyarhedir Says:

    The world cannot end by then; there is no sign of the sun imploding yet. When our sun finally dies is when I predict Judgement Day comes–it is as simple as that. (According to a book I once read, that will not happen for another few billion years. And even then, the end of the world is probably subjective depending on solar system and/or galaxy of residence. Science and religion united for the epic win!)


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