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Another Job List

October 6th, 2008 by Andrew

Well all my life I’ve been a jack of all trades. I’ve worked for carnivals, haunted houses and rodeos (yes, I was the clown). I’ve been a carpenter, electrician and mason. I’ve worked fisheries, fishing boats and spent a season doing America’s deadliest job (Alaska Crab Fishing). But in all of these jobs I don’t think I had as much fun as when I was a Satellite and Wireless Internet installer. Every morning my team would get together and the office manager would come out and lecture us on the days jobs, and what was wrong with yesterday. Here are a few excerpts: (I will list the numbers that apply directly to me at the end)

  1. It is not OK to shoot a kid with an AirSoft gun, while working.
  2. Even if the kid was shooting you first.
  3. It is not OK to tell the police the accelerator was “stuck” and you were “unsticking” it while driving a company vehicle.
  4. It is not OK to use the terms spectrothermal “anal”yzer, pig snoot, three-eyed cancer hazard when describing the feed horns on a satellite dish.
  5. It is not OK to drill four, one inch diameter holes in a rude customers wall to run a quarter inch thick cable to the back of the TV.
  6. It is not OK to throw heavy objects from a roof and tell young children to “catch!”
  7. When taking your lunch on the roof of a customers home it is not OK to tease the pet rottweiler with your food.
  8. It is not OK to help your customer get revenge on his neighbor by putting a 14 foot tall motorized dish right outside the bedroom window of his neighbors house.
  9. It is not OK to offer free additional channels in exchange for sex, especially when you aren’t the one who activates those channels.
  10. It is not OK to tell a customer that the microwave receiving plate is “harmless unless you are within 100 feet of it, in any direction, for more than a few minutes at a time,” then mount it to the roof right above their bedroom.
  11. If you are going to fall off a roof, try to land somewhere soft, other than the customer’s favorite pet.
  12. While climbing towers do not “test” the safety harness by tying yourself off and jumping off the tower.
  13. Microwave receiving/transmitting plates are not Frisbees.
  14. It is not OK to beat a customer over the head and shoulders with a fishing pole.
  15. It is not OK to beat a customer over the head and shoulders with a foam pool noodle.
  16. It is not OK to challenge a customer to a duel. They might just accept.
  17. It is not OK to tell a customer “Don’t worry, I’m a professional” and then open a can of beer.
  18. It is not OK to have beer at any work site, unless said work site is a bar and you aren’t drinking it.
  19. When a police officer pulls you over it is not OK to tell him to “bugger off and mind your own business.”
  20. When climbing a tower with a ladder, use the ladder. Also it is not OK to race your coworker up the outside of the tower while he climbs the ladder.
  21. When in a cherry picker with a coworker it is NOT OK to see how far you can make the bucket rock. Especially if your coworker is afraid of heights.
  22. It is not OK to beat up a coworker for, literally, scaring the piss out of you.
  23. It is not OK to break your wrist while drilling through steel, at work.

I was the direct cause of 1, 2, 4, 10, 14, 19, 20, 21, 22 and 23. I was the coworker pissing my pants in 21. I did however have a lot of fun, and would do it all again if it wasn’t for the lawsuit. But that is another story….

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9 Responses to “Another Job List”

  1. Fractured Cell Says:

    F1rst P0st!

    Also, how did you break your wrist?
    We need more details…

    captcha: Manhole- 1,000$ (one whole lot of manhole!)


  2. Chris Says:

    Hehe, I like quite a few of them, especially number 6, I think that’s a temptation for quite a few people in numerous jobs…

    But yeah, how did you break your wrist drilling through steel? Elaborate!!!


  3. Andrew Says:

    I think I’ll make the wrist breaking incident another story for later…

    Captcha: clothing and… and… and… Ummm… Smoking the reefer! (Super Troopers)


  4. Billy Says:

    The necessity for elaboration for #23 reminds me of how I confuse people when I say I fractured my elbow marching in the military.


  5. robert Says:



  6. TGOBG Says:

    Some drills have massive amounts of torque. When the drill bit binds in the material the drill keeps going and can snap a wrist if you are holding tight. My dad had a HILTI(R) hammer drill and one of his coworkers borrowed it. Once. He didnt let go when the bit caught and it snapped his arm. A friend of mine borrowed it to drill some holes in concrete for a new door jam, again the bit caught and it spun him around in circles until he was able to release the trigger. Luckily he was drilling into the floor at the time and not into a wall.


  7. SSG Cam Says:

    yes drills can be very harmful to ones health i think probably the most dangerous piece of equipment i ave used is a hole-hawg with a 4 5/8″ bit in it at my old job we used to call it “The Widowmaker” because when the bit caught you were going for a ride until either you let off the trigger or the cord unplugged itself or it threw you off the ladder which happened to me on more than one occasion. thank god the company that makes that drill now makes the new models with a automatic clutch that disconnects the drive when the bit catches


    CCO reply on October 7th, 2008 9:01 pm:

    That reminds me of one of the first accident investigations I helped out on years ago (probably my only accident investigation really) in ’87. A guy was drilling over head into a reinforced concrete wall with a hammer drill. He hit a piece of rebar, the drill swung around, and, I think, it broke his jaw. The clutch was suppose to break free at 88 foot-pounds at the chuck. This clutch broke at over 100 foot-pounds of torque. Usually the clutches got weaker over time, but this one got stiffer because it had an out of spec component.

    You’re suppose to check the drills every day with a torque wrench.

    Captcha: his points


  8. Travis Morgan Says:

    Man, my (short lived) career installing satellites was pretty surreal. People offering to pay for extra channels with pot was the kinda thing you’d get on a SLOW day.

    Ladies, here’s a hint:

    If a guy’s gonna be hooking up a satellite in your bedroom, you might consider putting away the sex toys before he arrives, unless you’re willing to let him use them on you!

    If you leave them out, you have no business getting offended if he picks oneup and challenges you to a sword fight with it !!!


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