Archive for the ‘Zombie Survival’ Category

So according to the news a few weeks ago there was a zombie outbreak in Texas.

Which was followed a little while later by a velociraptor attack in Illinois.

I will now explain how this is the worst possible combination of things that could happen.

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It’s that special time of year when families get together to eat massive amounts of turkey, catch up on events of the past year, and do massive amounts of shopping come Black Friday.

Unless your family is like mine, in which case you are making plans for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

So in the event that your town is subject to a siege of shambling horrors that thirst for the still-warm flesh of the living, here are some handy tips.

1) Put 1-800-454-8000 on speed dial. If you need to call this number you do not want to have to go looking for it.

2) If you see a bunch of people sprint past you carrying automatic weapons and covered in rotting viscera, try to keep up with them. The movies always show that guy whose last thought is “What the heck are those guys running fro- OH MY GOD_Urk”

3) If you see me sprinting past you while carrying an automatic weapon and covered in rotting viscera, run perpendicular to my direction. Because I will shoot you in the foot to use you as bait. I don’t got to outrun the zombies, just you.

4) In any group of survivors there is usually one person who I will refer to as “creepy religious guy”. He’s the one muttering about God’s will, and how we deserve this punishment, and keeps saying disturbing quotes that sound kind of like they came out of the bible, but you are pretty sure that he’s just making them up as he goes.

No good ever comes out have letting him hang out. It’s only a matter of time before he tries human sacrifice or just let’s the zombies into your shelter. And he always get’s ripped apart in a horrible fashion. It’s best for everyone involved if you just give him a nice clean bullet to the head now.

5) In the event you come across a scientist who finds the zombies to be “fascinating specimens”, or crusty old military officers who start grumbling about “the perfect soldiers” see rule number 4.

6) Make certain that none of your friends are stupid enough to do any of the following: Read creepy old books out loud, open strange barrels with military warnings on them, screw around with angry lab monkeys, or propose any activity in a spooky abandoned mental hospital.

7) Never, ever, under any circumstances, attempt to have sex with a member of the undead. I would think that this particular rule is completely obvious to every person on the planet, but when you watch the kind of movies that I do it becomes evident that it is not.

8) If one of your friends has gone off to be by themselves, just assume that they are a goner. Don’t be the schmuck that goes off looking for them. That schmuck always get’s eaten by the zombified version of their friends.

9) If you hear a sound, but it turns out to just be the cat, start running. There are zombies behind you.

10) Do not take a shower during a zombie apocalypse. The zombies know when you are taking a shower, and they will show up. They also know when you are having sex, participating in underage drinking, cheating a friend, or doing any other morally questionable activity. Zombies are kind of like Santa Claus that way.

Another important thing to do to is, of course, to practice. Which is why I am spending my free time playing Left4Dead. It’s not only one of the best zombie games ever, it’s also one of the best co-op games ever. If anyone reading this has the PC version send me your SteamID and I’ll add you to my friends list.

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To keep with the zombie theme that Michiel seems to have started, I would like to discuss some zombie survival techniques.

Say you are sitting in your living room, minding your own business, when you happen to notice what appears to be a pack of zombies standing on your front porch. Simply follow these easy steps.

Step 1 – Confirm The Zombie Infestation

Check the date. Is it Halloween? If it is there is an excellent chance that the zombies are merely some kids in make-up, and they want candy. It is generally considered bad form to shoot your neighbor’s children in the brain.

However movies such as CHUD 2, Revenge of The Living Dead, and many others have taught us that sometimes the flesh-hungry damned do rise up to attack during Halloween. And these movies always feature at least one suburban family that get ripped apart because they opened the door to what they foolishly assumed to be trick-or-treaters.

There are generally speaking only three ways to confirm the presence of zombies. The first is to open the door and see if they eat you. There is a rather large and glaring flaw with that test.

The second option for checking for zombies is to ask them.

“Excuse me, are you a zombie?”

If they drool, and reach for you while licking their chops, then its a zombie and you should shoot it in the brain.

If they answer “yes”, then thank them for their honesty and then shoot them in the brain. (But try to do it politely.)

If they tell you that they are not a zombie, then shoot them in the brain anyways. Because everybody knows that zombies are liars.

The third test I like to call “The Test Shot”. Shoot one of them in the leg. If they stay up, and just glare, moan, or scream for you tasty tasty brains, then it is clearly a zombie and you should follow up with a shot to the head.

If on the other hand, they fall to the ground screaming in pain and dropping candy all over, then its just a little kids wearing a costume, and you can go back to watching television. If it falls over dropping candy without the screaming, then congratulations. You just shot a pinata. And what kind of asshole shoots a pinata?

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