Archive for the ‘Soapbox’ Category

A few weeks ago I posted a few stories that showed some examples of bad Army leadership. One of the readers, Fry, suggested that I post some examples of good leadership.

At one point during my military career we had several days of maintenance-type activities that had to be done in the vicinity of the motor pool. During the summer in North Carolina. Basically we got to spend several days in a row doing heavy work in a giant parking lot. It was hot and unpleasant. So another Specialist and I came up with a great idea. We’d stop at the PX on the way to the motorpool and buy a cooler and fill it with ice and drinks. We’d just ask people to pay what our costs were so that we didn’t go broke providing drinks for our company. We made the purchases and brought them to the motorpool, cheerful and anticipating praise from our chain of command for our thoughtfulness. Since this story is on my site, you can probably guess that this is not how things turned out.

Several NCOs approached me and my friend over this. Did they thank us for thinking of our comrades? No.

Did they comment on how we went out of our way and spent our own resources to take care our buddies? Nope.

They screamed at us. For about ten minutes. It seems that me and my friend, by bringing cold drinks for everybody, had succeeded in making our NCOs look bad. Because we had done more to take care of the soldiers in our company than they had. And they felt that we had done it deliberately.

About half an hour after this happened one of the NCOs came back. She wasn’t mad any more and, in fact, she looked ashamed.

She told us that if we made our NCOs look bad by helping out our buddies then that was a poor reflection on them, not us. She apologized for taking part in the NCO lynch mob and asked us how much we had paid for everything. She then handed me that amount of cash and just gave the drinks away to her soldiers.

Step 1: Be this person. If you screw up and one of your soldiers pays for it, have the decency to admit it, and if necessary, go back and make amends.

Another time I was asked to go to 4th PSYOP Group headquarters. Apparently there was some kind of meeting going on to determine what the new product development workstation was going to have. This was a laptop that would be used by an illustrator to create propaganda. And since I was an illustrator, someone thought my input might be helpful. When I get to the meeting I discover that I am the only enlisted person in the building. So there I am, in a room full of officers, who are very opinionated, and more or less totally ignorant about what the soldiers who were going to use the equipment actually did. So being in possession of more survival instinct than most of my readers would ever give me credit for, I sat very still and tried not to attract any notice. Eventually I failed.

“What are you doing here, Specialist?”, asked a Major with the almost exact tone of voice that you or I would say, “Ewww…I got some of that on my shoe.”

“My team SGT told me to come here, sir.”

“What unit are you from, and why did they send an E-4?”

“Because I’m an illustrator sir.”

And with that, a Colonel sitting on the opposite end of the room took notice. “You’re a 25 mike? Why didn’t you say so earlier?” And he then proceeded to direct all suggestions for the equipment through me because I was “The only one here whose ever gonna actually use this stuff”.

Step 2: Be this person. Sometimes your soldiers will have specialized or specific knowledge that you lack. It’s not beneath you to listen to them when that’s the case. It’s generally a good idea to be on the lookout for lower ranks that know things; they can help you make informed decisions.

And lastly, there is this story that I call “The Best Sergent Major Story Ever.” I did not serve under this particular NCO but I had this story relayed to me by a soldier who did. Doctors says at https://www.caladrius.com/order-cialis-cheap-20/ Cialis is the best remedy for the treatment of impotence. The chain-of-command had recently held several inspections on the barracks. And many soldiers had been dinged for various infractions. Dust on top of the blinds, shoes not neatly lined up under the bunk, clutter on the furniture. The sort of thing that soldiers get gigged on during an inspection. When it was done, many of the lower enlisted who lived in the barracks were getting reamed out for not having their living areas up to Army standards. During a formation afterwards the SGM gave a speech stressing the importance of always keeping your living area up to inspection standards. He then asked for a show of hands of those who had a cell phone. Confused, the soldiers that did, mostly officers, raised their hands.

“Please bring you cellular phones up here, and leave them with me for the remainder of this formation. Now, everyone who lives on post, you are dismissed, have a great weekend. Everyone who lives off post, please stay here. I will be carpooling out to your homes with you to inspect them. I’m sure that all of you are keeping your homes to the sames standards that you hold you soldiers to. And if any of you call home to have your wife, girlfriend, or pets start cleaning up I will have your ass. I can fit five at a time in my car; who wants to go first?”

Step 3: Sometimes it’s just awesome to fuck with people.

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My first MOS in the Army was 25M, or Multi-Media Illustrator. For those readers who are not Army, that was my Military Occupational Specialty. M-O-S is how soldiers say J-O-B. Now for some strange reason, the Army felt that the only possible use for Illustrators was in Airborne units. So all 25Ms had to go to jump school after their MOS training. So just imagine my surprise to find out that I was the only one who was going to jump out of planes. It would appear that my recruiter had lied to me.

Step one: Don’t be this guy.
Don’t lie to your soldiers to get things that you want from them. Your soldiers remember what you do, and they can talk to each other. You don’t want your troops to feel like you’d sell them out.

Nonetheless, I went off to jump school. I did promise to do so when I enlisted, and the extra money looked nice, so I kept up my end. The especially fun part was that I went during the summer. Which is when the cadets also attend jump school. This is significantly less fun than it sounds. Some of these cadets were from military academies, like West Point. They were generally pretty squared away and at least knew how to act like they were in the military. But many were ROTC cadets. Which meant that they were college students wearing a uniform. I have nothing against college students per se. But if your well-being depends on them not acting like college students, well, you might start to have some issues. The problems ranged from the comical, “Hey look…one third of the formation went the wrong way”, to the significantly less comical “Everyone is restricted to the barracks because one third of the formation went the wrong way”.

Here is one incident that stuck in my mind. At one point a bunch of us were on an assignment stacking reserve parachutes onto a storage rack. We were passing them in bucket-brigade style. One of the cadets near me said “One of these just came open, get a SGT Airborne quick”. So another private and myself ran off to grab an authority figure to report the problem to. All three of us returned to discover that all of the reserves chutes are fine. The SGT Airborne was angry. “Why did you waste my time Private?”

“That cadet told me one of the reserves came open.”
“SGT Airborne I have no idea what that Private is talking about.”

Step two: Don’t be this guy either.
My buddy and me wound up doing roughly a bazillion push ups over this. To this day I have no idea whether this was an accident or just a dumb punk kid’s idea of a funny joke. But in any case, don’t let your soldiers take the fall for your mistake. And if you do, try to have the decency to not look surprised when you discover what they did to your toothbrush.

But the worst offender is a guy who I will refer to as Cadet Snowflake. When I arrived at Ft. Benning, my luggage didn’t. Two other soldiers and one cadet where in the same fix as me. At one point after a formation, those of us that were missing our luggage were taken to see the Sergeant Major. He asked us a few questions about our luggage and which barracks we in so that he could make sure that we got it when the airline delivered it later. He made sure all of us had access to toiletries and that no one was missing any critical items. He summed up the whole thing by assuring us, “Don’t worry boys, Sergeant Major will get you squared away!”

“You’d damn well better!”

Four faces, totally incredulous, slowly turned to look at Mr. Special Snowflake.

“What. Did. You. Say. Cadet?”, asked the very senior, and should be noted, incredibly huge and scary NCO.

“I said you’d better get this taken care of. I’m going to hold you personally responsible for this.”

At this point the other soldiers and me tried to very slowly scoot ourselves away from Cadet Snowflake. We knew what was coming was going to be bad and we certainly didn’t want to get any of it on ourselves.

“I think I may have misheard you cadet.”

“I made myself clear. You’d better do what I say. I’m going to be a Lieutenant soon and then I’ll outrank you.”

For those of you who have not been in the military, I will give you this analogy. Imagine walking up to Chuck Norris. Now imagine telling him he’d better treat you nice because someday you’re going to start learning martial arts. And as soon as you train up enough to hold multiple black belts you’re going to kick his ass.

Now, a cadet mouthing off to the Sergeant Major is about a hundred times dumber than that.

Step Three: Definitely do not be this guy.
In fact, try to not even know this guy.

The lower enlisted were released and we got to hear the opening of a Grade-A ass chewing as we hurried away from ground zero. I never found out what happened to Cadet snowflake, but I strongly doubt his military career lasted for much longer. I do know that he didn’t attend jump school with us.

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New rules once I take over as supreme ruler of the United States.

Declaration #1: Being an asshole will be considered a form of violent assault. As such, violent retribution will be considered self-defense. In other words, as long as you can convince a jury of your peers that the son of a bitch had it coming, it’s kosher.

Declaration #2: All non-violent crimes will be punished with public flogging. Want to eliminate white collar crime? Start dragging crooked investment bankers into a public square and beat them. They’ll get the idea really fast. Particularly attractive female convicts may get a spanking instead.

Repeat offenders may have an implant installed into their ears that plays “Tom’s Diner” on a loop. Until they die.

Declaration #3: All juvenile crimes will be punished with use of the stocks. Nothing amends teenage behavior faster than public embarrassment.

Declaration #4: The definition of the crime of pedophilia will be amended to include all acts of terrorism. This way anytime a terrorist is named on the news, they will be described as a pedophile.

Declaration #5: If a news agency is caught telling, fabricating, or repeating information that it knows to be false, see declaration #2.

Declaration #6: People who go on killing sprees to get attention (See V- Tech, NIU, Columbine, etc.) will not ever be mentioned by name in the press. They will only be referred to by silly emasculating names such as “Darling Princess Poofiness the Third”. All pictures of them will be modified to put them in ridiculous outfits. Once a year there will be a holiday where small children gather to laugh at these people. This will do more to reduce school violence than any amount of dress codes or banned music.

Declaration #7: All proponents of intelligent design as science must give up their thumbs. (People that believe it as religion are fine…just as long as they stay the hell away from public schools.)

Declaration #8: The practice of dueling is will be reinstated. This will solve many of societies problems immediately, such as people who use cell phones at the movies, folks who don’t tip waitresses or the pizza guy, media pundits, and Andy Dick.

Declaration #9: Restaurants will be forbidden from creating their own sizes. Small, medium, and large are sizes. Venti is an invitation for an ass-whooping.

Declaration #10: Reality shows will be outlawed, unless they are arranged in such a way that 95% of the participants die. The Surreal Life/Running Man hybrid, alone, will make this one worthwhile.

Declaration #11: Seth Green will be publicly executed, by way of an elephant, a waffle iron, and a case of Thunderbird brand malt liquor.
He knows why.

Did I forget anything?

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I have discovered some people that I heartily approve of.

FUN for Our Troops.

They are taking donations to send video games to deployed soldiers. As I may have mentioned before on this site, deployments are boring. Soldiers need things like books, magazines and video games to keep both out of trouble and sane.

So check them out and if you can afford it, donate something. I also decided that 10% of the proceeds from my soon-to-be erected internet t-shirt store will be going to this particular cause. So if you don’t buy a squid t-shirt then you hate our soldiers. (And you probably kick puppies for fun too. In a fursuit.)

And on a similar note; I have a link to the site of the artist who made the nice squid picture.

Kirk Charlton’s Art Is Here

Be advised that some of the pictures are not safe for work.

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http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Top_News/2007/11/05/groups_attack_military_store_sex_mags/5604/

I mean seriously.

I can understand that someone could look at the military and see issues that they want fixed.

And I can understand that some people don’t approve of adult images. That’s fine too.

And I’ll even, vcialis 40mg for the sake of argument, accept that there are men out there that don’t enjoy pictures of naked women. (Although we all know that there are only two kinds of men who don’t like nude women….liars and homosexuals).

But these people took a look at the military and said “Y’know what the problem is? All these people risking their lives to protect our countries and freedoms? Yeah these guys are able to look at pictures that I don’t like. We can’t have that! “

Soldiers already give up so much to protect our country. Huge amounts of time, the ability to interact with their families. And frequently their lives. These are things they have to give up in order to do their job properly.

Soldiers have to give up so much that it is just wrong to try to take anything else away from them without a good reason. National security is a good reason. Some fundamentalist with his undies in a wad is not.

Any people who take part in this attempt on our soldiers freedoms are ungrateful, selfish, conniving bastards.

If you care about soldiers issues, please be sure to contact you Representative and Senator to tell them to send these folks packing.

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Like most, Americans you may have noticed that there is a war going on at the moment.

And like many Americans, myself included, you probably have an opinion about it.

The net is already full of blogs which are full of posts detailing the war and every single perceived good and bad thing about it. I am not going to going to talk about my opinion of the war. I am going to address the opinions themselves, and how we react to them.

Almost every person I have ever spoken to on this issue seems to fall into one of two categories.

Type A thinks the war was the greatest idea since pants, it’s going very well, and that anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.

Type B thinks the war was worst thing since boy-bands, it’s going horribly, and anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.

Most people try to adopt a black and white, good/bad view of it. I think things are never that simple. And it’s worthwhile to take the effort to try to understand, and perhaps even respect, the opposing view.

For example, I recently heard someone bring up the old chestnut “No Blood for Oil”. And I can understand that sentiment. Human life is precious, and as a society we have a responsibility to protect the lives of our citizens. And material wealth for already rich people probably shouldn’t take priority over that. I can respect that opinion.

And on the flipside, someone I work with responded to the first statement with, “Well wait, how much oil are we talking about?” Our country’s economic function does depend on a regular supply of oil. Safeguarding enough oil for our country to avoid economic collapse is the sort of thing our military can be used for. I can respect that opinion too.

I respect the opinion that some people think we have a valid interest in the region. I respect the opinion of those that think our government misrepresented the case for military intervention. I took the time to listen to the arguments on both sides. And it is possible to be a reasonable intelligent human being and hold those opinions.

I’m not saying I agree with one over the other, only saying that I understand and respect both sides of the debate. And I think a lot of us would be a lot better off if more people tried to do this.

That said there is one set of opinions I have trouble respecting.

I have heard some people express the opinion that the war in Iraq is directly linked to the survival of our country. I’ve seen message boards and blogs full of people claiming that if we don’t win over there, then the terrorists will be in America destroying all that we hold dear. That our soldiers must remain in the Middle East until democracy takes root, or it will go very badly for us.

To those people I say the following:

Enlist, you god damned coward.

Soldiers are spending longer and longer on tours overseas. The military is having trouble keeping up recruitment. These are not opinions. These are verifiable facts.

You can’t say, “This is worth other people giving up their lives for me” and remain worthy of respect. Certain opinions, once held, demand action. Failure to do so renders you a pitiful thing, beneath contempt.

Soldiers, (and of course this includes Sailors, Marines, Airmen, everyone) are of course exempt. By going overseas they have put their body where there mouth is, and can pretty much hold any opinion they want.

But if you think that this war is essential to our survival, and all you can do is talk, and maybe buy a “Support our troops” magnet? Well then all you’re doing is telling the world what color stripe runs down your back.

Edit for response:

I am not saying that you cannot support the war, or the soldiers that fight it. I am merely saying that if you take the very specific, “This war is essential to the survival of our country” stance, well that stance is incompatible with inaction. It doesn’t make your opinion invalid. It just makes you a contemptible human being.

You don’t need to be a police officer to have an opinion on crime. But if you publicly state that you think people should do more to safeguard their own communities, then you witness a crime happen, in my humble opinion, you’d better do something more substantial than wonder “Hmmmm….what’s for dinner tonight?”. Call the cops, get help, intervene, whatever. Just do something.

Yes thousands do more than just make hollow patriotic gestures. But most people don’t. Guess which ones I’m talking about? And I find it hilarious that someone tried to turn my “chicken hawk” argument into a “Guess you don’t believe in supporting the troops argument”.

For Stashiu3:

“Trying to deny them support from the vast majority of people who are not on active-duty is just as bad as trying to silence people who believe we shouldn’t be there.”

This is the line that I interpreted as “You are not supporting the soldiers”.  Which is why I thought your comment was funny.  If that is not what you meant by it, I truly am sorry for treating it that way.

And I think you are slightly misinterpreting my stance.  I have no problem with pro-war.  I have a problem with a very specific pro-war argument, coupled with a lack of action.

Did I oversimplify it?  You betcha.  Are things that easily black and white?  Of course not.  Are there ways to serve besides enlisting? Sure.

You keep overlooking the fact that I am not talking about the thousands of people who find a way to contribute.  I am talking about the thousand upon thousands more who do not, and will not do a thing, while simultaneously claiming that this is the single most important venture that our nation is involved in.

I would never mistake wit for wisdom, please don’t mistake age for it either.

And I do not have the emotional maturity of an adolescent.

I don’t! I don’t! I don’t!

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A few years ago, doctor while I going to college I had an interesting experience at a gas station. While I’m standing there filling up my tank, viagra 100mg a middle aged lady and her friend used the pump opposite mine.

One of them glanced at my car, medicine and then circled it. She tsked, and commented to her friend “It looks like someone doesn’t support our troops.” She had that annoying tone that is only used when you are pretending to talk to one person, but you’re really saying to some other person who’s within earshot.

“Well I guess somebody doesn’t love their country, if they don’t support the troops.”

“Ma’am, are you talking about me?” I’m from the south. We are polite to middle-aged ladies no matter how much they inspire us not to.

“Of course we’re talking about you!”

I leaned over and taped a sticker on my windshield. I had purchased this car while I was still enlisted, and it still had a somewhat faded Ft Bragg parking sticker on it.

“Ma’am until a few years ago I was one of the troops.”

Se sneered at me. “Well you don’t have one of the yellow magnets. They only cost a dollar.”

“So you have one?”

“I have three” she said smugly.

“But what have you done to support our troops?” I asked.

“What do you mean? I got three of the magnets.”

“This year I sent magazines, books, and DVD’s to the troops. What have you done?”

She looked confused and slightly embarrassed “Done? I have three magnets. I support the troops…”

“You’re only supporting magnet salesmen ma’am. Have a nice day.” And then I got back into my car and left her to her empty fake patriotism.

To sum up. If you want to support our troops, do something. There are places that will tell you how to send a care package or a letter to any soldier. If that’s too much effort, check out the USO, they take donations and put the package together for you. No matter how you feel about the war, just remember the people fighting in it volunteered to die protecting you. Get off your butt and do something nice for them.

While you at it, get write your Senators, and Representatives, and ask them how many care packages they’ve sent.

Because if you don’t then the terrorists and magnet moguls have already won.

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Last part, sale then I’ll write something funny again, promise.

Last week I wrote about my views on the execution of the retarded, and received only one violation of Godwin’s Law.  I did see some debate in my comments section going both ways.

I want to clarify my position in a couple of ways.  Some people feel that the retarded, like children, are not completely responsible for their actions.  I agree with this sentiment, but feel that this is a factor when determining innocence or guilt.  In order to be guilty of a capital crime, there is generally a requirement that the guilty party knew what they where doing, otherwise it would be manslaughter, rather than murder.

Now having said all that on the subject, I have to add one last part.  Although I believe in executions in principle, I am actually against the death penalty.

I understand all of the arguments for the executions, and I agree with most of them.  Simply put, an execution is a dynamite way of preventing repeat offenders.  And I believe that once somebody crosses certain lines, they are saying “I do not value this society, and I shall place my own selfish desires ahead the lives of my fellow citizens”.  And I think once that line is crossed our society has better things to spend our recourses on than providing for people like that.

In fact, I think the list of crimes that deserve execution should be expanded to cover rapists, child molesters, corrupt politicians, and some of the more nefarious shenanigans practiced by corporate executives run amok.

The problem as I see it, is not a matter of whether or not certain crimes deserve it.

The problem is that our judicial system is *really* bad at separating the innocent from the guilty.  It’s just horrible at it.  And even though it sucks to spend ten years in jail for something you did not do, at least they can un-incarcerate you. They can’t un-kill you.

My belief is that our legal system was founded on the principal that it is better for the guilty to go free, than for the innocent to get punished.  And no matter how rare an occasion it is for an innocent man to be executed, once is far too many for me.

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From the comments section of Cephalopod Surprise

“Someone send me this and stated that it was a must read, therapy “it kept me rolling”. Guess what, troche personally I saw nothing funny about this. Waht I saw was what appeared to be a lazy PFC (E3) that somehow joined or was drafted, pharmacy if he is that old, and fought the system the whole time he was there. He forgot that some of those “unemployable wives of military officers”, and by the way they also had the NCO and Enlisted wives clubs, served a very good purpose, and it seem that understood the “spirit of corps” that these functions whould bring, plus funds to help those in need.
Yes, I was a Private but did make a career of it and retired as an Officer, but through the struggles that military life always seem to bring, with the long separations plus two tours in Vietnam, I am gratefull that those wives did take the time to do thigs like this, as it help relaxed and at times help financialy. I know, we were one of those families that sought and were help.
As the old saying goes, the military is what you make of it, and takes special families to adopt. I am proud that I was able to served my country without complaining.”

I normally let comments like this go, but I am feeling crotchety today.

Tony, I pity any soldier that had the misfortune of serving under you. Your comment paints a picture of the very worst sort of Army leader.

To your credit, I re-read my post. And it does look like I am speaking about ALL family support groups, as opposed to the ones I have served with. I cannot accurately comment on every FSG in the service as I was only ever around PSYOP from 1996-2002. But I never once saw an enlisted family member involved. And it was a rare day that I even saw one treat enlisted as human beings. Most of the wives seemed to think that they possessed the same rank as their spouse, and that enlisted were there to serve them. As far as service to the families of soldiers, I never saw that as well. I always suspected that FSG was like the Army Emergency Relief. In theory it was an organization designed to take care of all the Army personnel. In reality it was just there for the officers.

In my post, I described mandatory fun activities, and mandatory volunteering. Since you mainly described me as the culprit I can only assume you endorse these practices.

Mandatory fun is an insult to the men and women who volunteer to protect this country. In this country children do not enlist. Adults do. As an adult I am quite capable of determining how I want to enjoy my free time without being led around to planned activities like an infant with a play date. I’m not saying that group activities don’t serve a purpose. I’m not even saying that all group activities need to be training related. I’m saying that if you have to order people to show up to it, at least have the decency to not pretend that it is for their enjoyment.

Next issue: the whole mandatory volunteering. Let’s just call it what it is: blackmailing soldiers into following orders that their chain of command cannot legally give. You talk about me bucking the system, yet how should this act be interpreted?

If my NCOIC was legally allowed to order me to purchase a pie why didn’t he just order me to acquire one? Because I wasn’t issued any damn pie, because we weren’t assigned to the 235^th Combat Pastry Division.

This is, in my opinion, bullying of the worst sort: taking deliberate advantage of those that you have a solemn duty to protect.

And it doesn’t say much about you as a human being or a military leader that you find such behavior acceptable.

Next the issue of “Lazy PFC … fought the system the whole time he was there.”

You’re reading an awful lot into this one army story. And you know what assuming does right? Just because I made my own fun on occasion, in no way means I didn’t do my job, to a high degree of professionalism. I’m proud of the fact that I served, what I did when I was there, and the people that I served with. I received no punishment more severe than a counseling statement the whole time I was in, and have been commended many times on taking care of the soldiers I worked with.

That’s not to say that I never fought the system. Sometimes the system is wrong and needs to be fought. Sometimes questionable leaders do questionable things to the troops, and thus they need to be questioned. But this isn’t even really about one of those times.

In this instant I was issued a questionable order, and I followed it. I just followed it in a way that brought me and my fellow soldiers more joy than the chain of command intended.

Most soldiers have a sense of humor. Hell, remember the LTC who took a squid to the face? He laughed his ass off once he got over the shock. Little pranks such as this, are part of what made the occasional insanity of military service tolerable. There is most assuredly a time and a place for such things, and in my opinion, they do more for the mental health and welfare of the troops than any number of “scheduled pre-planned enjoyment sessions” that the leadership can think up.

And lastly, as far as the claim that you were proud to serve without complaining. I’m going to have to call bull on that. You expect me to believe that you went through twenty years of service, during a war, and never had a reason to complain once? I’m sorry anyone who says that is either a very bad liar, dangerously insane, or was a trooper in the elite 397th Ice Cream Social & Hooker Regiment.

In summery, I’m glad I served. And I’m grateful that you served. But I think you might not have as much cause to be overbearingly proud as you seem to be.

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