Archive for the ‘New List’ Category

This time we have a list of things that should not be done if you work for an anti-drug non-profit organization. The original author asked not to be credited, as she would like to still work for the anti-drug non-profit organization.

(Submitted by I.M. Employed)
1. When working for an anti-drug association, refrain from making “Cheech and Chong” references.
2. When working for the above, don’t “Talk shop” with those seeking help.
3. Refrain from judging people by “where they get their shit”.
4. Do not give people “better guys” to get “shit” from.
5. Do not refer to the “War on Drugs” as “Vietnam for Society at large”
6. When viewing a slideshow about drug references in media, do not say “That movie’s fucking awesome!”
7. Especially when they show the “bat country” monologue from Fear and Loathing.
8. No matter how you supervisor may act, do not make allusions to the fact that they may be the only person in America who would benefit drug and alcohol use.
9. When hearing a presentation about the state of the drug trade in the United States, try to avoid “correcting” the nomenclature used for street drugs (i.e., “No one calls it “dope” anymore!”).
10. Refrain from mentioning that your friends find your work “ironic” given your past.
11. Attempt to not discuss favorite drinks and new concoctions with your superiors.
12. Especially if they mention they’re in recovery.
13. If one of your superiors is a “stage parent”, do not mention that many child stars fall into substance abuse and ill ends.
14. Even if it is apparent that the kid is pretty much doomed to Dana Plato territory.
15. Never under any circumstances mention that your superiors “drive you to drink”.
16. Especially if the Alcohol Board of Control is in town.
17. When viewing a Powepoint presentation on drug references in the media, avoid laughing at the drug and alcohol jokes when the room is full of drug counselors who will sooner be shocked than funny.
18. If they show Dazed and Confused, Half Baked, Superbad, or Beerfest, just leave the room. Despite how strong you think you are, you will not last.
19. When discussing music with co-workers, never talk about how “Dark Side of the Moon *totally* synchs up with Wizard of Oz”, or how “The Wall movie totally changed my worldview”.
20. Y’know what, just follow the guidelines that Robin Williams gets in “Good Morning Vietnam” from Lt. Haupt regarding musical tastes.
21. Never offer tired-looking co-workers “hair of the dog that bit ’em’ ” on Monday mornings. It just looks bad for everyone involved.
22. “OSHA would have a field day with what I know about this building” is not a good bargaining chip in any circumstance.
23. Especially when your supervisor is on a first-name basis with the people at OSHA.
24. Try to avoid mentioning that your superior might just remind you of a certain character from Rain Man, no matter how compulsively they may repeat some of the same words, over and over again.
25. Never mention that you own any, and especially not all, of the movies mentioned in number 18.
26. Don’t talk about how much you, your cousins, uncles, aunts, siblings, parents and friends are able to drink in a single sitting without passing out; especially if the aforementioned are all together, with what can only be described as an “alcohol topiary”.
27. Taking naps when you’re four years old is okay; taking naps at work on your lunch break will get a piss cup handed to you.
28. Being the only person in the office who knows how to work the big screen in the conference room will bite you in the ass when you come back from lunch and leave “The Marijuanalogues” on.
29. When working for an anti-drug organization, your thoughts on drug legalization are moot.
30. If you are tired and someone offers you a cup of coffee, the proper response is “Yes, please”, not “Put it in my veins!!”, “Can I just snort the grounds?” or any references to a “caffeine speedball”.
30. Cigarettes are apparently a drug, regardless of legality. Therefore “I was nic-fitting like crazy” is no excuse to leave work for a “cancer run”.
31. Incidentally, if a co-worker has a family member they’ve lost or who has recovered from some form of cancer, calling it a “cancer run” will not win you any favors.
32. If a co-worker levels baseless and just untrue accusations against another co-worker who isn’t you, and they really are just ludicrous accusations, you are still not allowed to openly laugh at the concept.

Follow

Its the start of the week, medic which as you know by now, ed means that I have a new set of things that someone somewhere learned that they should not do.

(Submitted by YN Torralva)

• I must never call your petty officer first class a dipstick no matter how much he is one.

• If I must, pill then I should try to insure that he is not within earshot at the time.

• I must never say that my chief is wrong. my chief is always right Always

• I must never say my ships Master Chief that he is a dumb ass and you will throw him overboard for being one ( that will get you hack time and that ain’t fun)

• I must never tell the rookie sailors that the shellback ceremony is just a cover for all the gay sex that we have at sea. (That got me more time in hack and i was not very popular with the new sailors on the ship)

• Man Love Thursdays do not apply on a submarine.

• Launching a football from the catapult of an aircraft carrier is not allowed. Especially when the CO and the XO are watching from vultures row.

• Its even worse when you cant catch the ball after it blows back then they just start laughing at you.

• I will never mistake a chief for an ensign. That will equal KP and KP sucks.

• I will not piss of a yeoman. The last time I did that I ended up not being able to leave on liberty when we hit Okinawa.

• When I am in port in Japan it is not my mission to liberate all the schoolgirls from their clothes.
• I will not dare seals to jump off the side of a destroyer.

• I will not dare the Gunners Mate to a shooting challenge while out at sea. It is a waste of ammo and the GM will always kick your ass.

• Our core values are not to rape, scrape, and pillage.

• Even if your Chief taught it to you.

• It is not wise to mention said core values in front of your CO.

• Especially when said Chief is standing next to the CO.

Follow

Just to change things up, I thought I’d start showing off some of the non-military lists I have been sent. So here’s the first entry, of what will probably be many, of the IT List.

42 Things That I Am No Longer Allowed To Do in I.T.

(Submitted by MC900FtJedi)

1. Not allowed to randomly rickroll users upon login to the application.
2. Not allowed to comment that Visual Studio 2005 is a “bloated piece of shite” within earshot of the Microsoft consultant.
3. Rooms at adult-oriented hotels cannot be charged to my corporate card.
4. Not allowed to discharge a fire extinguisher in the Halon-protected server room.
5. Lolspeak is not appropriate for error messages.
6. Lolcode is not a corporate standard.
7. Not allowed to use Star Wars references when naming new applications/modules; it makes Legal nervous.
8. That goes double for South Park.
9. If something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that doing it will get me an invite to the HR Director’s office.
10. Not allowed to continue to explain to users what an ID10T error is.
11. Or PEBKAC, for that matter.
12. “Mental Health Day” is not a valid reason when requesting time off.
13. Not allowed to say “Domino’s Pizza” when answering the phone.
14. My cubicle is not holy ground.
15. Not allowed to charge the down payment on my SUV to my corporate card.
16. Not allowed to tell the new developers that it is a department standard to capitalize all vowels in source code.
17. Not allowed to put up “Happy Birthday” fliers for non-existent employees.
18. Not allowed to change my manager’s startup sound to “Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls of steel!”.
19. Must not play battleship with a fellow developer on the text pager during the departmental meeting.
20. “Yak Shaving Day” is not a recognized company holiday.
21. “If it was in your ass you’d know,” is never an acceptable answer.
22. Not allowed to execute a DoS attack on the network admin’s PC.
23. My department VP does not appreciate it when his administrative assistant receives flowers on national Boss’ Day.
24. My dog did not eat the source code.
25. Not allowed to place a 2 Meg animated GIF on the start page of the application.
26. “Did you see the rack on her?” is never appropriate.
27. Especially during Bring-Your-Your-Daughter-To-Work-Day.
28. Maxing out my corporate card’s $10,000 limit every month is not mandatory.
29. A bloodhound is not a packet sniffer.
30. Not allowed to hide all but the decaf coffee.
31. Not allowed to name applications/modules/procedures in such a way that their acronyms would be sexually suggestive (Data In, Logical Data Out).
32. Not allowed to create Help Desk tickets for office supplies.
33. “That’s how I roll,” is not an acceptable answer as to why I was two hours late.
34. I am not the king of all I see.
35. Under no circumstances am I to ever touch the UNIX machine on the 7th floor.
36. Not allowed to use the DR (disaster recovery) machine as a public Starcraft server.
37. I do not have mafia ties.
38. No one is interested in hearing the details of my prostrate exam.
39. Friday is Hawaiian Shirt Day, not Hawaiian Dress Day.
40. Calling someone an “f***ing idiot” is acceptable after I hang up the phone, not when I think my phone is on mute. Which it wasn’t.
41. Not allowed to have a three-martini lunch. Especially since when I say “three-martini lunch” I really mean “five margarita pitchers binge”.
42. Must not come into the office at 3 am and pass-out under my desk after a Tuesday night “three-martini lunch”.

Follow

Here it is, allergist you Monday morning list of things you should probably not do.

(Submitted by Kennes Hendrickson)

• Not allowed to send soldiers to the motor pool for a can of air.
• Not allowed to send soldiers to the 1sg to ask for the pricky-8 for the radio
• Even if the platoon sergeant thought it would be funny
• Must not remove a soldiers canister from their gas mask
• Even if they are sleeping on duty
• Not allowed to send soldiers to range control to get keys to the drop zone
• There is no such duty to paint the flight lines
• Not allowed to refer to subordinates as my minions
• Not allowed to refer to subordinates as my little bastards
• Not allowed to tape corporals to chairs with 100 mile hour tape during lunch hour
• Nor allowed during duty hours
• Not even if they flunked out of jump master school twice
• Can not order soldiers to throw rocks at the same corporal
• Can not set up trip wires in the scif at Ft. Bragg in order to make the roving gaurds trip
• Not supposed to laugh at the NCOIC when she trips over the trip wire
• Not allowed to sell TA-50 on e-bay
• Not even if it is your annoying room mates TA-50
• Not allowed to call your 1sg a LEG even if he is one
• Can not laugh at your 1sg for being a reservist, pills because they have feeling too
• Must not tell locals in Hawaii that your MOS is Sub-terrain Pineapple growers, even if you work under a pineapple field and can not say what you do
• Not supposed to tell people they hate me because I am black, especially if I am white
• On Sicily drop zone at 0100 when the platoon sergeant is looking for his poncho, not supposed to take the token Mexican kid to him
• Can not hide your platoon sergeants poncho from him on jumps
• Not allowed to ask the battalion CSM why you always have to remind him he is a sergeant major
• Can not inject the “Army, it’s so easy a caveman can do it” picture into a power point presentation intended for the battalion commander
• Even if he thinks it is funny
• Can not even attempt to DX my neighbor
• Not allowed to have an EPW camp of field mice in an MRE box
• Not allowed to execute mice that were captured during time of war
• Birth certificate and high school diploma do not count for promotion points
• During war fighters can not brief the ACE chief on enemy activity in Rhode Island
• Even if you believe they are communist
• Can not fuel a generator while smoking a cigarette
• Not allowed to ask your CO for beef jerky, even if he did horde it on the show Survivor
• Not allowed to put a bumper sticker on a religious soldiers car that reads “WWSD” with small print reading “What would Scooby Doo”
• Not allowed to link all laptops together to play 2 vs. 2 command and conquer generals
• Not allowed to take the CO’s proxima projector to make a movie theater inside the t-scif
• It is frowned upon to teach a private MP that is 4th general order is to guard his post from flank to flank and take no shit from any rank
• Even if the MP NCOIC taught it to you
• Not allowed to hide in shelter halves to avoid work
• Can not perform an L shaped ambush on your SGL at PLDC with blank rounds
• During a brass shake down can not tell the drill sergeant “Your ass, my ammo”
• While as a drill sergeant can not give your soldiers ecstasy

Follow

This weeks list of bad military ideas comes from an Army Cadet in the Australian military. Which should probably be terrifying if you are a soldier in the Australian military.

(Submitted by Cadet Who?)

• Must not refer to a lanyard as a “ropey thingy”
• Must not use a lanyard to hang an NCO, salve no matter how much I hate them
• Must not use wit to come up with “funny” rhymes about NCO’s
• The chain of command doesn’t care how long I have played PS2 for, medic I still have to do drill
• Ghostmas is not a real religious holiday and I shouldn’t take time off cadets for it
• I am not the crazy cat lady
• I must not make my personal army of cats
• I am not in charge of the zero gravity universe
• There is no such thing as the zero gravity universe
• I am no longer to do the “Eden” dance
• I am no longer allowed to dance the “Krystal”
• Walter the bank guy (deal or no deal) is not my home dog
• Using large amounts of hair gel causes cancer and hair loss, doctor think about it
• I am not the president of Uzbekistan
• I am not to cover the parade ground with sand and create a Zen garden
• I am not allowed to re-enact anything from Jackass
• I am not to see how many marshmallows I can shove up my nose
• When in cold conditions, I am not allowed to lick poles
• I am not allowed to steal the company’s flag, this achieves nothing
• I am not to push that button on the radio while someone is talking
• I am not to inquire how to make “cadet cocaine”
• I am not to flatten my face against windows
• I am not to convert people to “The Dark side”
• “The Dark side” does not have cookies
• I am not to go into the Q store and become “The Magical Scrim Monster”
• I am not Fergalicious
• I am not to encourage other cadets to irritate the NCO’s
• “Point and laugh” is not a drill move
• I am not to go on a mission based solely on pushing over sleeping cows
• I must not put the bandages used for First-Aid lessons in my mouth, I don’t know where they’ve been
• I cannot fly and I should not test this
• There’s no such thing as “scrim attack”
• Manikin look-a-likes of me don’t replace me at lessons, camps or parades
• I don’t know kung-fu, and I should not say this
• I do not have an evil twin
• I am not to get other sections lost on purpose, even if it is funny
• The SSGT is not a member of Al-Qaeda
• Saying that I was dropped on my head at birth does not justify anything bad I have done
• I am to speak English at all times, Not German, not Chinese, English
• I am not bringing Sexy back
• If I start seeing Leprechauns, I’ve drunk too much coke
• I am not to do anything I saw in the movie “Jarhead”, especially “field f**k”
• I am not to taunt the air-force cadets anymore
• The SSGT is not a ferret, even though with his new hair style he does look like one.
• New recruits are not “cannon fodder”
• I must not itch myself with a loaded steyer

Follow

Well technically I’m, putting this up on Sunday night. But I’m pretty that most of you aren’t reading this until Monday morning.

It’s occurred to me that some readers who were not in the military might not get all of the acronyms and Army-speak. If your confused, feel free to ask in the comments section. I’m sure one of the various service people who reads this will be able to answer. If enough people ask, I may just make a lexicon for the site.

This week’s update comes from Kyle Harth. Who was probably a very interesting person to serve with.

• Wearing donated women’s clothing, in the G-1 shop, does not make them process your OPFUND paperwork faster.
• It is not acceptable to get smashed at the local guest house, sharing land navigation point numbers, while you are supposed to be in the woods.
• Soldiers are not allowed to cut open artillery simulators and ignite the piles of gunpowder.
• Throwing disposable lighters into the fire barrels is not the correct way to get a better position for warming up.
• When forced to go to AA, after your Field Grade Article 15, it is not appropriate to say, “Because of my alcohol related incident, I don’t drink anymore…I don’t drink any less, either!” (Although this will ensure that you don’t have to go to anymore of those stupid meetings.)
• “Get the %#@* out of my HMMWV, or I will tie you to it and drag you behind”, is not the correct way to deal with journalists in a combat zone.
• Mowing the letters “FTA” into the grass while on Extra Duty is not appreciated by the CSM.
• Burning giant bales of marijuana is not the correct way to keep warm after destroying a warlord’s compound.
• Running from the MPs, while wearing togas and laying down a “smoke screen” with a stolen fire extinguisher, out the window of your vehicle, is not authorized.
• Hawaiian shirts, baseball hats, and shorts are not appropriate attire, when manning the MK-19, during a rocket launch site recon.
• Utilizing the PT route to race your friends home drunk in your “blacked out” POV, is usually frowned upon by the MPs and your Command Staff.
• Servicemembers are not allowed to request to use the breathalyser at the MP station to “see who knows how to party”.
• Especially if you’re driving.
• Even if you tell them it’s OK to arrest all of you so that you can blow.
• CS grenades are not to be used in European basement clubs.
• CS powder is not to be sprinkled on the top of your neighbor’s barracks room door then gently closed and re-locked with the keys you stole from the CQ.
• Stealing a few pieces to the CSM’s 2000 piece puzzle every time you are called into the OPS Center is awesome. But only if you are not caught.
• Soldier’s shall not steal the Commander’s vehicle and go to WVU for a night of drinking. Even if when you get there, several other Teams are there in a stolen 2 ½ Ton.
• Airborne operations are not to be performed while still intoxicated from the night before. They are especially not to be done in tandem with your other “E-4 Mafia” brother’s, consecutively, for several years.
• The Army did not send you to 13 months of medical training so that you could refer to IV’s and Oxygen as “Hangover Helpers”, and live your life through “better chemistry”.
• While it’s an awesome way to save money, you are still considered a thief if you are caught using a stolen ladder to swipe the Scout Platoon’s beer from the second story windowsills during “outdoor beer season”.
• “Survival Training” is not an appropriate response when caught shooting wild game with a cleaning rod and blanks.
• AR 670-1 does not (apparently) allow for the BDU trousers to be worn tucked into your snake skin cowboy boots. (Even if you lost a bet because your buddy drank piss from said boots.)
• While assigned to (or visiting) Camp Vance, you are not allowed to dress in drag, and pose for “The Men of Man-Love Thursday” calendar.
• During training exercises, machine-guns cannot be abandoned because they are too heavy to E&E with…even if you remove the firing pins and take them with you.
• It is illegal to call your car in stolen after you have abandoned it off-post, after running from the MPs, and taking out a large section of perimeter fence.
• Golf Carts are supposed to be used on the Golf Course. Any other use is unauthorized. Like joyriding while drinking beer, then writing “Go Navy, Army Sucks” on them, and abandoning them in front of the SEAL’s barracks.
• It is against Military and Civilian Law to use an F-470 Zodiac to raid lobster traps while in Dive School.
• Repositioning the Commander of Area 51’s vehicle, ever so slightly, every time he enters the OPS briefing, is…well…super damn funny!
• UAV’s will not be used to “check out chicks”. Nor will Rotary Wing Assets, NVGs, Thermals, or Long Range Photography Equipment.
• A CALFEX is not the appropriate place to drop acid.
• When giving a survival class on cleaning wild game, you are not allowed to eat raw pig’s liver, even if it was an appropriate response to someone’s smart-assed comment.
• T-shirts displaying the words “$@*# you, you $@*#ing $@*#!” are not to be worn during Military Christmas Parade processions.
• Mortar rounds fired on “Delay” are not to be used for trying to uproot trees on the range.
• A 72 hour pass given with a promotion and your EIB, does not authorize you to rent a car, get drunk, and roll it two and half times.
• “En’Shallah” is not to be used as a response to why you are doing something that is unauthorized. (Even if it’s appropriate to the demographic that you are in.)
• E-4’s are not allowed to pose as civilians so that they can get loaded at the Officer’s Club and pick up chicks.
• When planning for small boat operations, the command element will not approve nude beaches as potential Beach Landing Sites.
• Teddies and lace panties will not be worn under the military uniform when showing up for a rectal exam.
• “How do you know how fast I was going if you don’t have a radar gun?” is the wrong response to give a Brigade Commander when seen racing your four wheeler around the airfield (at about 50 mph).
• The Desert Boonie Hat, even if you hate wearing it, can not have four inches added to the brim, and eight inches added to the crown, so that it looks like “Cat in the Hat.”
• It is punishable under the UCMJ to possess (and use) an MP badge, if you are not an MP.
• Setting up a “secret communications frequency” in order to play Guns and Roses, while performing a ground invasion, is…you guessed it, not authorized.
• You are not allowed to “shoot for beers” while conducting marksmanship training.
• Personally owned watercraft (jet skis) are not supposed to be transported on military trailers, in convoy.
• Being assigned as the Battalion Military Vehicle Drivers Training NCO, does not give you the right to invite all your friends and relatives for some “four wheeling” on post.
• Simmunition is supposed to be used to engage targets, center mass. Intentionally shooting at the nuts is frowned upon.
• “Kangaroo Court” is not an authorized form of Military Tribunal.
• Possession of uniforms, in your wall locker, with different ranks and unit insignia will tend to arouse suspicion among your superiors.
• Pen Flare/Cluster Flare/Parachute Flare wars can, and will, start forest fires…which, oddly, you will be held responsible for.

And lastly:

• Making E-4 three times in four years does not mean you can’t make E-7 in SF.

Follow

And before I show the list, SPC Jeremy Johnson wanted me to tell you about Operation Happy Note.

In his own words”
“These guys are sending musical instruments to deployed soldiers, which is fucking awesome, and I figured its the kind of thing that you would plug on your site.”

Well spotted Jeremy, and consider the info passed on.

(Submitted by SPC Jeremy Johnson)

• Not allowed to tell my LT “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re just a Lieutenant!” (Note that this never actually stopped me)
• Not allowed to remove computer equipment to install a microwave in the shelter.
• Not allowed to remove computer equipment to install a mini-fridge in the shelter.
• Not allowed to install an X-Box in the shelter.
• Not even if I give the LT a turn.
• Not allowed to convert my Humvee into a Pirate Ship.
• Not allowed to ‘just’ fly a Jolly Roger from the antenna mount.
• Not allowed to slash the tires of Vehicles that park in my spot.
• Even if they belong to other units.
• Especially if they belong to another Country.
• Not allowed to exchange my M16 for a Pistol, “Because it’ll be more fun.”
• Not allowed to Exchange my M16 for a shotgun, “Because all the cool kids have one.”
• Not allowed to exchange my M16 for a Sub-Machine Gun.
• Ok, I can, but only if I can find one for the commander too.
• Not allowed to shoot at Civilian Contractors in Suburbans if they’re tailgating me. That job belongs to the LT. (True story, don’t ever give that guy the finger)

(Submitted By Joshua Nolan)

• Cannot ride a quad-barreled APC designated for the Iraqi Army like a rodeo star.

• The answer “You might.” is not consent to attempt to jump a 3 foot sand berm in an 18-wheeler after running over the “DO NOT ENTER” sign.

• Cannot attempt to jump anything in an 18-wheeler.
• Dr Pepper is not basic pyro issue.

• Cannot start a pillw fight on an airliner and blame PTSD.

Follow

For those wondering how this works, every once in a while I go through the emails with new items that have been submitted to me and then add them to the Friends list. So if you have your own items that you would like to see added, email them to me. If you put them in the comments section I probably won’t add them to the next update because 1) I am incredibly lazy, and 2) I’m not going to make a post where I just repeat what was put into my comment section.

So without further ado, here are the new items.

(Submitted By Robert W. Ray)

• Do not antagonize Airborne troops by having the local radio station dedicate “Raspberry Beret” to them on the Lunch Dedication Show.
• Do not explain the theft of MREs as trying to improve company morale by removing the bad choices.

• Do not use Mountain Dew bottles as a piss bottle on an FTX, then put them in the snow as if you were chilling them for drinks later.

• Do not, under any circumstances, confuse the aforementioned bottles with the ones you were actually chilling.

(Submitted By Ryan Simmons)

• The American Navy does not make port visits to rape and pillage.

• Request chits saying, “Respectfully requesting a bullet to the head.” will always be denied.

• I am not allowed to force any other sailor into a straight jacket.

• I am not allowed to tempt someone into a straight jacket to see if they can get out while they are logged onto a command pc, and then write love emails on their account to other sailors while they frantically try to turn off the computer by kicking it.

• I’m not allowed to blurt out “Holy shit!” over the com line while I am working on a multi-million dollar component of mission critical equipment that everyone is hoping I can fix.

• I am not allowed to ask Canadian sailors if they have aquatic sleds for small boat operations.

• I am not allowed to tell foreigners, “At least you smell better than the French.” while in uniform.

• I am not allowed to eat so many carrots that my skin turns orange and then sing the Oompa Loompa song in formation.

• The sound of the Phalanx anti-missile defense system going off is not just a way to alert the crew that the ship is about to sink.

• I’m not allowed to take pictures of various crew members vomiting after a night of drinking and then post it on the command website.

• I’m not allowed to run away from the XO.

(Submitted By Reggie Taylor)

• Sponge Bob Square Pants is not a proper cadence for marching

• Especially when a Command Sergeant Major is nearby

(Submitted By Brandon Harmon)

• Not permitted to release ducks into the barracks.

Follow

Well it took me forever, but I have finally started adding to the Friends of Skippy List once again.

(Submitted By SSG Lorraine A. Morrison)

• Do not order boot MP’s to take a larceny report from MSG Ramen at the commissary. They will wander around for hours before they realize that MSG Ramen is a soup

• Do not send buck privates to the motor pool for one gallon of frequency grease.

(Submitted By Brian Hunter)

• Not allowed to label flu season tissues as biological warfare agents.

• Must not label the Texas Chili MRE as chemical warfare.

• Even if it could be used as such.

• Not allowed to start a music act called Run-DMZ.

(Submitted By Chris Jacka)

• Bright colored g-strings are not an acceptable form of underwear for a layout before a FTX.

• It is also not advised to then take said garments on said FTX and come out of the tent while snowed in wearing only a watch cap, boots and silver g-string and run around the mortar.

• Lastly, NEVER, EVER, greet the new E-3 fresh from the Ranger Battalion while wearing a gold g-string and combat boots and gently ask him if he needs anything.

(Submitted By Jessica Hoeting)

• I’m not a ninja, and they CAN see me

(Submitted By CPL Ian Yee -Who was a very busy lad)

• Hedonism is not an army authorized religion. Therefore I’m not allowed to build a church, cult, or donation box for the Church of Hedonism. Nor can I be the chaplain of said church.

• “Surprise Sex” or “Ambush Sex” is not a valid substitute for the phrase “sexual assault”.

• “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” is the army’s policy for gays, not an appropriate response when asked by your chain of command why you showed up to formation in your underwear.

• You may not refer to members of your chain of command as the “weakest link”.

• You also may not hold a vote to decide which member of your chain of command you can “boot off the island”.

• CLP is used to lubricate weapons. Not for personal use.

• The Air Force is a service, not how hard you blow up your inflatable “significant other”.

• Your dog does not count as immediate family, therefore you cannot use that as a reason to go home on emergency leave.

• Do not bang the bottom of a Mk 19 round and attempt to play football with it.

• Especially in front of your chain of command.

• Especially when you’re throwing it to your chain of command.

• “Hooyah Master Chief” is not an appropriate way to respond to any army officer.

• Work is not a valid allergy to put on your medical records. Neither is BS, officers, NCO’s, or latrine duty.

• Just because you say you’re allergic to latrines does not give you permission to piss anywhere you want. The Sergeant Major’s flower bed thanks you.

• Do not try to speed in your humvee and use the excuse “I needed to go 88 mph to achieve 1.21 jiggawatts Sir!”

• You may not combine any part of the uniform at any time. Therefore shower shoes, pt shorts, IBA, and beret is not an acceptable duty uniform. No matter how sexy you say you look.

• MySpace is a place for friends, not for posting guard rosters or passing out information to your soldiers.

• It is not appropriate to say the word “asshole” after saying the rank of sergeant major.

• The OPFOR patch is not an authorized combat patch.

• I will not hand out tickets for driving the speed limit.

• I will not replace the COL PARKING ONLY sign with a SPC PARKING ONLY sign.

• Just because you put a handicapped sticker on your humvee doesn’t mean you can take the C.O.’s spot.

• Do not replace all the contents of the first aid kits with water and Motrin.

• CamelBaks are for water, not beer.

• Not everyone in the Navy is called Seamen.

• Also, the proper spelling of Seamen is not semen.

• There is no such thing as Specialist grade article 15’s, so stop handing them out.

• You cannot trade guard shifts with the voices in your head.

• You cannot request Amsterdam, Cancun, or the Playboy Mansion as your preferred duty station.

• Checking out a female is not called “Reconnaissance of friendly lines”.

Follow

And here it is.

The official list of things I am not allowed to do now that I am married.

Number 1:

I am not allowed to write this list. There is nothing funny about our relationship. Everything is fine, anabolics and you will not tell people that I told you to write this.

Follow