Archive for the ‘Just kind of babbling’ Category

On this day, physician in 1920, sandwich production was set back nearly one hundred years.

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Offer the same service.

Put two minutes of unskippable commercials before the movie.

Make the movies free to rent.

Somebody work out all of the minor details and then give me money.

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God, the Alpha and Omega, creator of all things stirred from what appeared to be one hell of an alcoholic binge.

Groggily he pulled himself upright wincing that as the bright sun bored into his head like a laser.

“Let there be less light” he muttered, with a sigh as the ambient light dipped to more acceptable levels.  As his vision cleared he saw a three headed blurry monster that eventually resolved itself into a single Archangel Michael, giving him a very scolding look.

“Oh dear me…did I do something bad while I was hammered?”
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1. Norwegian retailers pull violent video games, such as World of Warcraft from their shelves, because evidently Anders Brevik was in league with the Horde or something.
2. In today’s news, WA leads the nation in in children who do not receive vaccinations.  Stay tuned for next years story: WA leads the nation in preventable child deaths.
3. An interesting article on 10 steps to avoid being eaten by a lion.  Number 11, “don’t hang out in places full of large carnivores” was absent.
4. A blood red lake was spotted in Texas.  Some claim “This is clearly a sign of the biblical apocalypse, and nothing like the last six or seven time we said that…hey…stop laughing, we’re serious!”
5. Swedish police conduct a raid to apprehend illegal hedgehog.  Scrappy fox sidekick believed to still be at large.
6. Missouri bans teachers from friending students on facebook, as an attempt to prevent future student teacher sex scandals.  Well I suppose that without  the sensual siren song that is Farmville acting as an aphrodisiac, restraint might be more likely.
7. A woman is Massachusetts is attempting to breed a strain of mushrooms that eat human flesh.  Because she clearly doesn’t watch the same kinds of movies that I do.
8. Diablo three with have an auction house that allows you to sell goods for real world money.  That’s either the best idea ever, or the worst, and I’m not sure which.

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For years now I have been vaguely aware that a band called The Black Eyed Peas existed.  I think I’ve heard a few snippets of their music, but for the most part I just didn’t notice them.  That’s the sort of thing that happens when you get into your thirties.

This summer my wife and I have been watching America’s Got Talent, and there is some sort of new rule that every third performer needs to set their act to some recent remix thing set to Misirlou.  Or as people my age call it, the Pulp Fiction song.

Out of curiosity I looked the song up online, and it turns out The Black Eyed Peas do a version, where they basically just play the original recording and add lyrics about how awesome they think they are.

Now I’m pretty sure that I am missing the whole point when I see this video.

What we have here is what basically amounts to the sort of multi-racial gang you only see in an 80’s after school special (You know, the kind desperately trying to give away a big pile of expensive drugs) that somehow have the sort of martial arts finesse and chi powers normally reserved for particularly over the top anime.  And they use  these abilities in the underground fight circuit where they whale on people that don’t have a fraction of their skill, and get in their faces about it.  Then one of them punches out the camera man.

Catchy song, but man, what a bunch of assholes.

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See if you follow my thought process here:

Sesame Street teaches us that in New York there is an ethnic enclave of puppets, similar to Little Italy or China Town.

History teaches us that ethnic enclaves such as this are usually the result of a large influx of immigrants from the same place, in a relatively short period of time.

History also teaches us that when this happens the new immigrant is frequently marginalized by society at large. Which can result in the first several generations getting heavily represented in crime and vice.

All of this means at some point in New York’s past, puppets controlled the drug and prostitution rings. Gangs of tiny fuzzy miscreants meted out violent street justice to their enemies, and did battle in the dim alleys.

Corroborating evidence: Gordon, from Sesame Street, was once a pimp. Which would explain how he has been able to spend all of his time hanging out in a cul-de-sac for the past forty-two years without any visible means on employment.

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I’ve had quite a bit going on and just haven’t really taken the time to come up with anything useful for the site lately. And so I think I’ll just do another current events post.
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So it has been a while, I know, but it has been a productive while. My wife gave birth to two beautiful baby boys (thought we were having trips, but wound up with twins), and they are now close to ten months old. They are adorable little boys with smiles, and cute drooling, and addictive laughter, but they are two little boys. There are just some things about twins that nothing can prepare you for.

1. You can be a second circle master ninja capable of walking across water without even making a ripple, but the sound of your very presence WILL wake up one of the twins, and it will always be the one you are not picking up.
2. You may be able to juggle fifteen objects in four different directions simultaneously, but there is no way for a father to simultaneously feed twins.
3. When playing with either child, tossing them in the air and catching them eight inches from the ground is a good way to make their mother very, very mad at you.
4. Provided you help keep them limber, babies CAN touch the back of their heads with the bottoms of their feet, from any direction. Often they find this immensely hilarious.
5. Spinning around with your child in hand till their eyes twitch in their heads, may be funny to you, but the wife hates it when they throw up on her 30 seconds later.
6. Projectile vomiting is defined as follows: You child(ren) can and will promptly vomit on you from any location in the house, at any distance, as soon as you change from your ratty yard working clothes into your nice work clothes. This will happen at unexpected times, in unexpected ways. The only time it is a  100% guaranty it will happen is when you have to wear your only suit for some important VIP visit, and you are running late.
7. Murphy was invented to explain the phenomena of twin children.
8. A 55-gallon drum is not a sufficiently sized container for disposing of a weeks worth of diapers from twins.
9. Garbagemen (sorry, sanitation engineers) find a 55-gallon drum full of used diapers disgusting.
10. No matter how funny you think it was, that was not a fart. It was the teleportation of one child’s bowel movement to the other child’s diaper.
11. Twins will attract every interested party within a 5-mile radius to annoy you with innane comments and stupid questions the moment you step out the door with them for some exercise. (Are they twins? Are they identical? You must have your hands full.)
12. Finding time to exercise is nearly impossible when you have twins.
13. Hell week at SERE training has nothing compared to caring for newborn twins.
14. As soon as you finally get both children to sleep someone will do one of the following: Show up unexpectedly with something that generates loud noises, call the phone from Timbuktu and feel the need to shout at the top of their lungs to be heard, ring the doorbell repeatedly while pounding on the door with enough force to knock an elephant out, fire off a howitzer, decide that now is the time to put together a marching band and practice, discover that holding down the center of the steering wheel will generate a continuous loud noise, generate some other various loud noise that will invariably wake up both children simultaneously.
15. The phrase “Your son was misbehaving today” will leave you confused as to which son the spousal unit is talking about.
16. Square feet of living area defines the space needed by twins for all of their belongings. This number is relative and will always be at least 1,000 square feet more than what you have.
17. As soon as you save up enough money for that vacation to Tahiti, you will find all those things that you’ve wanted for your children on sale at the local WalMart. You will wind up spending your entire vacation fund on said items. (Walk in for milk, walk out with $4500 in baby stuff, and no milk)

In all of this I have made another rather disturbing discovery. There are many pediatricians out there who not only have no idea on how to deal with twins, but will refuse to service a family with twins. Take our recent pediatrician for example. She was a nice lady, deals well with children, but put her in a room with twins and she was almost completely lost. When asking questions about one twin, she would almost always look at the wrong chart and say “Well I don’t see that information in his chart… Are you sure?” Fortunately our new pediatrician only deals with multiple births so things are getting better there. Anyways, I’m always open for additions, advice, or a means to laugh at my own life; so if you have anything more to add feel free to add them to the comments below!

And remember: Those that think they are too small to make a difference, have never spent time in a dark room with a mosquito.

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Instructor: You did this part of the assignment wrong. You were only supposed to have curves on half of the anchor points.
Me: That’s not what the instructions said.
Instructor: I had an example picture.
Me: Was the assignment to follow the instructions or to copy your example?

Instructor: As an advancing school we use only the most recent version of the software.
Me: The Adobe website says you’re lying.

Instructor: We pride ourselves at this institution of being an educational leader in cutting edge technology.
Me: Well I can pride myself on being the most prolific male porn star in the world, but that won’t make it so.

Instructor: Well since you already know this material, maybe you could use this an an opportunity to share your knowledge with the beginner students?
Me: I know teachers don’t get paid or treated well right now, and that is a shame, but have we really gotten to the point where I am expected to pay you for the privilege of teaching your students for you?

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*Ding Dong*

Hello Sir? My name is Skippy. I couldn’t help but notice that you are still here, despite the fact that the rapture was supposed to be yesterday. Yes sir. Yes. I understand how you might find it comforting to believe that a guy who incorrectly predicted the Apocalypse previously and in direct defiance of stated biblical position might be wrong. But Mr. Harold Camping has assured us that he was correct this time, and he used math and everything. Why no sir. I am not at all here to make fun of you for falling prey to the ravings of a mad man. Nothing could be further from the truth.

You see, I know that he was right. Completely and totally.
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