The ER Admitting List
It’s Monday. Which as you all know means it’s time for yet another list of things that you should probably not do. This time it’s for ER admittance.
(Submitted by Ekatseyanis)
1. Security is not my bitch
2. Nor is housekeeping
3. Or the valets
4. Not allowed to hit patients
5. Even if they hit me first
6. Not allowed to yell at patients
7. Even if they are being belligerent
8. Not allowed to make fun of patients
9. He is not “Messily Drunk” he is “Intoxicated”
10. He is not “Crazy” he is a “Psych Patient”
11. I cannot take holiday pay for every full moon I work
12. I am not a doctor
13. Advising a patient that the wait is two hours is ok; telling them to go home and take some Motrin is not
14. The fish in the fish tank don’t like Tootsie Rolls
15. I cannot suggest to patients that losing 100 pounds might be beneficial to their health
16. We are obligated to provide care to anyone who comes in, even if it’s dental pain
17. Medicaid patients are not freeloaders and I should stop insinuating that they are
18. The Sabbats are not federal holidays
19. Not allowed to argue with Catholics
20. Even if they started it
21. Not allowed to bet on patient’s diagnoses before they see the doctor
22. Not allowed to refer to patients as “Frequent Fliers” even if they are here every week
23. Not allowed to scare patients with all the things that MIGHT be wrong with them
24. Not allowed to tell patients about all the cool injuries I’ve seen
25. Not allowed to scare new employees with stories about all the cool injuries I’ve seen
26. In fact if the story starts with “I saw the coolest/grosses thing…” I should probably keep it to myself
27. The box of free stuff in the back office is for patients with grievances, not for me
28. Not allowed to puke in front of patients
29. Even if I am pregnant
30. Even if I’m pregnant and they smell like ass
31. Not allowed to ask a patient to see their injury
32. Even if a patients is jabbering away at me in Somali, I still have to smile and try to understand them, I cannot cut them off and ask them if they brought a friend who speaks English
33. I should warn visitors that the automatic doors swing out, not laugh when I hit the button and they get smacked in the face
34. Radiology techs don’t glow in the dark and I shouldn’t test that
35. “I don’t know” is not a proper response to any question posed by a patient
36. Or a staff member
37. In fact, I am assumed to be the receptacle of all knowledge relating to the hospital
38. When administration asks how I am this morning, they don’t actually want to know so I am always “Fine”
39. Not allowed to take bets on how many different drugs will be found in a patient’s system
40. Cracking jokes about “The crazy in room 4” is generally frowned up, especially if said crazy’s family happens to be within ear-shot
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December 14th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Could you tell us about some of the cool injuries you’ve seen? Please???
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December 14th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
lol I love this! Both of my parents are nurses and they’ll get a kick out of it!
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December 14th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
you actually get people that come into the ER on a weekly basis?
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Podmunki reply on December 15th, 2008 2:38 am:
Sadly, Bane, yes. My wife has had several heart surgeries, and so the ER staff tends to recognize us…(and lets just say that my tetanus shots are always up to date)
Captcha: Sister Moira–a hot Irish Nun?
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Dave in NC reply on December 15th, 2008 11:04 am:
Plus all the pain med junkies that go to hospitals suffering from “major pains” week in and week out. I actually heard a woman on the phone tell her friend “I’ll try to score you some, too.” I wish I had offerred to beat her with a chair to make her story more believable.
I think those are the ones I would call “Frequent Flyers”. I think people like Podmunki I’d just call “Tim Taylors”.
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Minty reply on December 15th, 2008 2:28 pm:
There are also the people who, for various reasons, most having to do with bad insurance coverage, don’t have regular doctors so go to the ER for every little sniffle.
And then there are the hypochondriacs.
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Bane reply on December 15th, 2008 2:58 pm:
wow…
just wow
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Stickfodder reply on December 15th, 2008 4:33 pm:
Yeah I have relatives like that. Except they don’t go for every little sniffle, instead they wait until it becomes pneumonia.
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Minty reply on December 15th, 2008 4:53 pm:
And then there are those type of patients. Damn, our system is such a mess. . .
El reply on December 17th, 2008 1:08 am:
Weekly?! We get some every other bloody day in my ER… :P
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December 15th, 2008 at 6:10 am
I have never been to the same ER twice. However I have been to every ER I can think of in Alaska, and already several in Missouri. But when it comes to hospitals, wow… I know almost every nurse by name in a couple of the hospitals here. My two docs are rotational docs (they spend a few weeks in each hospital in the area and rotate hospitals) so I kinda have to follow ’em. If you wanna know what is with me, and why I have to see two docs every other week look up DBD. Otherwise known as Degenerative Bone Disorder (hint: it makes oseoperosis with rhumatoid arthritis look like heaven).
Captcha: Wilbur Pudding – I always wondered what happened to the pig from Charlettes Web
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December 15th, 2008 at 6:51 am
I guess Ekatseyanis has probably seen this blog, and I know it’s been linked here before, but for anyone who hasn’t seen it: http://randomreality.blogware.com/ Tom Reynolds’ blog about the Highs and Lows of life as a paramedic in east London.
My experience with the ER (known over here as ‘A&E’ or ‘Casualty’) has been pretty positive. I’ve been given some very strange advice by A&E staff over the years, too.
For example, I have sallicylate sensitivity (put’s aspirin, ibuprofen, etc off the table) which is a pharmacological reaction, rather than an allergy. An A&E doctor in a London hospital told me to tell hospitals that I was allergic instead. Apparently, the standing NHS advice was that my condition was quite rare (it is) and that some people claimed to have it so that they’d be given stronger drugs. So the policy in many hospitals was to reassure the patient, then bring back the same pill in a different colour. In my case, that would be bad!
BTW, apparently hospitals can buy common drugs in a variety of colours. A nurse friend of mine reckons it make life on the children’s ward so much easier.
Captcha: Ackerman arms – good name for a pub
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December 15th, 2008 at 8:03 am
#13–that’s what they tell us in the Army.
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Speed reply on December 15th, 2008 11:45 am:
Motrin = infantry M&Ms
Remember the round, orange ones?
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December 15th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
#13 Usual advice at Osan Med Fac
Motrin = Ranger Candy
Captcha = gorgeous barked…butt ugly when stripped!
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December 15th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I’ve seen everything. I’ve seen elbow’s bent backwards, fingers cut off (although I think the ones that are not quite cut off and hanging look worse) bones poking through skin, I had a guy who cut his thumb off with a table saw, he brought the thing in with him. I’ve seen some pretty interesting things done with a nailgun (you’d be amazed at how far through bone those things can spit a nail). You wouldn’t believe the stupid injuries that druggies come in with. My favorite is when they come in with abcesses and can’t figure out why they always get them, IF YOU ARE INJECTING YOURSELF WITH POISON, IT WILL GET INFECTED!
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Stickfodder reply on December 15th, 2008 4:40 pm:
I had a friend who cut his thumb down the center with a table saw. Somehow they managed to save it. Now it’s hard to bend and lop sided.
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Al Li reply on December 15th, 2008 10:16 pm:
About the nailguns, what’s amazing about it? They’re GUNS that used HIGHLY compressed air to shoot NAILS. What’s amazing is that people don’t seem to comprehend that the name isn’t just to make them seem cooler but is actually descriptive; or even if the realize that they don’t use common sense and treat nailguns like firearms, with the respect and caution you should show when using something that can KILL YOU or someone else.
Captcha: K2 duties — what Sherpas get when they draw the short straw.
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December 17th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Okay, so your ER is no fun! :) Myself and the other nurses frequently make bets about the blood alcohol on our friday/saturday night medic runs…
Though, we’re not so liberated that we can openly tell a patient where to stick it… but sometimes it slips… ;)
Thanks for this! my sister emailed it to me and it definitely made me laugh!! :)
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December 17th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
#15 – Yeah, that’s for GPs.
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