SURPRISE!
One of my readers recently sent me an email, wanting some help with a problem. (Cool I’m an advice columnist now!)
Evidently this reader’s husband likes to screw with her mind. (In a good way.) Even while he is deployed overseas, he still manages to get the upper hand. So she would like help in coming up with ways to surprise him.
Because if there’s one thing this site has demonstrated is that I am good at surprising people.
Here are some ideas:
Send him photos of yourself wearing a sexy outfit. But construct the outfit entirely out of food. Bonus points: Use only un-sexy food-stuffs, like pizza, snow crab legs, or chicken McNuggets. Write a long letter to accompany it acting as if this is the most erotic thing a wife has ever done for a husband.
Get every woman you know to start sending him love letters. Creepy ones.
Go buy 101 of some small cheap disposable toy. Identical looking ones. (Erasers, toy cars, whatever) Then number them with a marker. (1 of 101, 2 of 101 ect) Then send them one per day, in numerical order. The first one will mildly confuse him. After the second one he will realize that there are 99 more of these things to come.
Act like he forgot something important, then refuse to tell him what it was. (Guys love that!)
Send him letters that are responding to questions that he didn’t ask.
Fill his next care package with glitter. Because it’s pretty much impossible to handle loose glitter without becoming very very sparkly.
Tell him you found a woman to have a threesome with him. Send him a picture of a drag queen. One with stubble.
Does anybody else have any suggestions?
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February 6th, 2008 at 4:52 am
Send him a collage of his family….made from the random model shots that accompany picture frames. Describe each event as if he had been there, and you are reminding him to help him remember his family. Include names, dates, places and specific information (“Uncle Morty never had so many Tom Collins’ til that night, huh?”). If he responds as one normally would when given such things (WTF?), act like you “don’t know him anymore” and get all woman-logic on his ass.
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Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 2:42 am:
In the words of Stinky (from Hey Arnold): “That plan really bites.”
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February 6th, 2008 at 6:43 am
Send him a really nicely wrapped empty box. No note, just the box.
Get a fake tatoo with another guys name on it. Send him a picture but don’t tell him it’s fake.
Really douse a letter in perfume, really bad perfume. Seal it in plastic before putting it in an envelope. Bonus points for it being so mundane it’s absolutly boring – maybe a grocery list.
Send him a care package of empty wrappers. Or things you know he hates.
Send him the comics pages, but cut off the last panels. Or cut all the comic panels apart and mail them as a puzzle package – but missing a few pieces to his favorite ones.
That’s all I can think of right now. And yes I did do this to my sailor a long time ago.
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February 6th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Send him a care package of things like nappies, wet-wipes, baby powder, baby shampoo, and a pregnancy test.
Don’t include a note. He’ll become paranoid as to whether you’re pregnant.
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February 6th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I can’t top any of what’s already been said. I just want to see his face when he realises he has Skippy on his case…
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February 6th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Say “Honey. I have something to tell you. It’s not bad, but its one of those things I should tell you in person.”
My fiancee used to do that to me, and she drove me absolutely nuts and I would always be paranoid.
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February 6th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I can picture my husband walking around with glitter all over his ACUs!!! LOL
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February 6th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Start raving about how great Madonna is and how her music is wonderful. Do the same for Angelina Jolie. After a few weeks of this, ask him how he feels about adopting a “Brown baby, just like Madonna and Angelina”
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February 6th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Don’t do the stuff where it looks like you might be cheating. That’s going too far, and somethings might distract him when it would be dangerous. The other stuff is fair game.
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February 7th, 2008 at 2:46 am
My boyfriend is in the Air Force and we’ve decided to skip Valentine’s Day stuff to avoid the shipping hassle.
But I was walking through the grocery store with my friend, and we saw these ooey-gooey-lovey-make-you-sick-patterned boxers. Well, lame boxer patterns crack me up. I turned to my friend and said “You know, I know we decided against doing stuff for Valentine’s Day, but these are just funny.”
She told me to buy them, put them on my head, and send him a lot of pictures.
Apparently underwear on the head confuses people.
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February 7th, 2008 at 3:51 am
I forgot to add to Send him a really nicely wrapped empty box. No note, just the box. In your next letter, ask him how he liked the gift.
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February 7th, 2008 at 10:35 am
NEVER INSINUATE CHEATING! That’s not funny, that’s mean, and it’s the quickest way to turn your husband into a jealous freak. You don’t want that to be something playing in the back of his mind while you live in a military town in the rear (too much cheating happens with army spouses). He may throw that in your face during arguments for a long time afterward, too. That is not something spouses do to each other. BF/GF on the other hand is quite open as that relationship is not as mature or trust based as a marriage. I happen to be a fan of the “make him think you’re pregnant” as long as it would be his child (e.g. don’t do that on the 11th month of a 15 month deployment). Also, the creepy love letters is a good one.
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February 7th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I’ve always been a fan of sending random srings, gears, and other tiny mechanical accessories, and telling them that you bought them a very expensive watch. Be sure to ask the usual questions, such as do they like it, how it fits, ect.
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February 7th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I think Skippy pinned the ultimate in WTF. Clown Porn. Do I even want to know where to find that?
Actually, the real question is, “Did I even want to know that it exists?”
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February 7th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Do you even want to know that Something Awful reviewed it already?
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/horrors-of-porn/clown-porn.php (NSFW)
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February 7th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
For the record: baby wipes and baby powder are incredibly useful to deployed soldiers. Their inclusion in a care package is hardly unusual.
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February 7th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
A six-pack of his favorite beer (or soda, if he doesn’t drink or is deployed somewhere it isn’t allowed). All still in the plastic rings, but empty. With a note saying “Enjoy!” Make sure you open it after sealing it up, and then reseal it with different tape.
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February 7th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Send something very small and unbreakable- like a chocolate bar or a lone hersheys kiss- wrapped in an entire roll of bubble wrap. Mark “fragile” on the package. He will think you are crazy, but still have fun with the candy and with popping the bubble wrap…
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February 7th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Bonus on the glitter: I will HAVE to remember that one.
You could also do the “Bachelor Party” movie, if you’ve got a DVD burner (and a cam with tripod)…
Set up the camera to tape yourself doing an erotic movie. Dance around, start to strip, pose sexy. Edit that footage at appropriate points with Tiny Toons, Animaniacs, old Start Trek. Compile the result to DVD.
Have to agree with what others have said: do NOT push the “cheating” thing. That is not something to have on your mind while deployed!
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February 8th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Actually, I think some suggestive posing with inflatable sheep would be hilarious (or other inflatable barnyard animals), but I have to agree with skipping anything that has to do with cheating, since it would be a distraction he cannot afford in a combat environment.
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February 8th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
DO NOT MAKE A GLITTER BOMB! the last thing he needs is glitter to go everywhere. Confetti is ok, but glitter can get in your eyes and mess you up. Also glitter on the ACU’s in a Combat zone is not a good idea.(Even Princess Anistasia should agree on that) I think some of the “adult” party stores may have confetti in suggestive shapes and words. And sending him an inflatable sheep (or other barnyard animal) would always get a laugh. Might even become the Squad Mascot. See if you can get an inflatable pig, (Inflatable Pork, its not just for Ramadom)Too bad you can send one of those party tanks of helium, they could fill the pig up and make a ballon out of it.
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February 9th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I am soooooooooo laughing at this postings ha ha ha, Thank you Skippy! Yes, I will be using a couple of these!!!
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February 9th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Thank you for helping dupe Jeremy.
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February 10th, 2008 at 1:28 am
I love the inflatable animals idea… going to see if I can get a kangaroo for my US army friend in the ‘ghan at the moment I think. He’ll love it!
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February 11th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Last time I was in the sandbox I got an e-mail from my wife with a subject that was something like “Read this when your in a loving caring patient mood.” Needless to say I was automatically freaked out and every possible bad thing you can ever think of for your relationship flooded into my mind in one second. After briefly debating on opening it, I found a very, very long e-mail. I’m talking if you printed it you’d have about three pages long. More bad news, right? Well, luckily she had only gone and decided to adopt another cat, which I was fine with, but maybe you can use the same idea. Possibly put in a sentence or two and leave one with half a word typed and then send it, like you started to tell him something, and accidently sent it. Then just play it off like it never happened, wait a couple days, send something similar, but maybe longer… That’ll mess with him. If I were you I wouldn’t make it sound like you were cheating though, more like you might have wrecked his truck, or his dog died, or your pregnant, something along those lines. I sure hope my wife doesn’t read this… :-)
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February 11th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
You should seriously consider the glitter. It’s not like he can’t change out of his ACU’s. And one of those prepackaged sandwiches. Like out from the fridge in a gas station. And pie. Or and inflatable plant. Anyone who’s read skippy’s list knows about the barnyard animals, but no one, not even my LT, expects a plant.
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February 13th, 2008 at 4:01 am
OK, so when my boyfriend gets deployed i am most DEFINATLY sending him inflatable barnyard animals in a box filled with confetti. Or even better, a scarf and mittens XD
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February 13th, 2008 at 10:32 am
I hope to god my partner never sees this post or the comments.
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February 13th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Although it wasnt something to freak her out, i sent my daughter a shower curtain that had a really nice beach scene to decorate her wall in Quatar. Since she is a Florida girl it reminded her of home and helped her relax after dealing with Air Crew all day.
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February 13th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
do major renovations on your house, (flooring, walls, change around rooms, get completely different furniture) don’t tell him.. then when he comes home act confused when he acts surprised.
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February 14th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Move and change the locks – that’s always funny!
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February 14th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
TO SrA
My wife rearranges the house almost every time i go tdy. SHe has completely redecorated, painted, pulled up the linolium and carpet in the whole house, She has purchased new furniture and redecorated almost every room. She has also rebuilt the gardens in the front and back yards. Heck sometimes she rearranges the house while i am at work. I figure as long as i can still find the house when i come home its all good. (Although she did have it repainted in a different color scheme once too)
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February 15th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
You could do like my dad did when I went to the box…
He sent me a giant box filled with Hershey Bars, graham crackers and marhmallows.
Next box came completely full of non-alcoholic mouthwash. In 4 ounce bottles. There were hundreds of them.
A couple of months later, toothbrushes.
Mind you, the box is 2 feet long, 1 1/2 feet wide and deep. Imagine that box full of toothbrushes.
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February 18th, 2008 at 4:46 am
These are more for in person ideas… So the glitter one works here.
Do the glitter thing… with the powdery fine glitter… That stuff’s even worse than the coarse stuff. I powdered my don with it then left it in my armour bag… bad idea. That stuff sticks to suede like there’s no tomorrow. Just to be mean and not to necessarily screw with his head, wrap it up in tissue paper, get a rubber band gun (preferably one that shoots medical tubing) and shoot him with it. Aim low. Put coarse and fine glitter in it. Use silver glitter because it doesn’t stain.
Make a pact with his friends whenever he comes home. Pay them off with gold chocolate coins. Make some people be Switzerland. If he insists on being involved, make him Switzerland. (can’t take sides, can’t retaliate) Have a BBQ or get together. Have your friends line up semi hidden as he walks by. Douse him with silly string. (prank stolen from Caitlyn)
Send him a thong. Men’s or women’s it’s your call.
If he has a beloved pet, find something like some faux fur or what not that looks similar and send that to him.
Temporarily desecrate a favoured object. i.e. 20th anniversary Optimus Prime-Put pink ribbons on it. Take a picture. Send it to him.
Around Easter, obtain his military hat… Stuff it with easter grass. Bonus points for using Hello Kitty candy holders. (Did this to my don. It was operation Easter Masket)
Have a pregnant friend? Obtain an early sonogram picture and say it’s ya’ll’s baby’s first picture. =D I know, the pregnant one’s been suggested; this is just a different twist.
Did he do something stupid such as grab a rope hanging from a tree, swing on it over the water and the branch break? Make a reliquary for his stupidity. Bonus if you make pilgrimage badges.
Get a hold of his luggage before he leaves again. Leave a note in it that says “What’s missing?” Take nothing.
More later. Had to consult with fellow red scarves. These might be more along the lines of pranks.
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Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 7:40 pm:
After a while, those ideas would almost be grounds for divorce/a breakup.
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February 18th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Skippy, don’t take this the wrong way, but there is no way in hell that I am telling any of my friends or family about this site till I get out. I am currently in the “Sand Box” and do NOT want them getting ideas for packages to send me. That being said, I find this site hilarious and think I should stop reading it while in the JDOC. Trying to contain the laughter so that I don’t get the micromanaging Capt. against me is getting harder and harder…
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February 22nd, 2008 at 6:47 am
Instead of actually doing major renovating, find a house in your area where there is early stage renovations being done. Take photos of the wall being destroyed, the exposed piping, ect… Then send him photos asking how he likes what you have done so far. The rougher the renovation the better the pictures. Include pics of the construction dumpster when it is at its fullest. He will think the house is destroyed and really start to wonder what he is coming home to. This is best to do with in the last few months of deployment and you can tell him that there is still a year plus until construction will be finished.
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March 2nd, 2008 at 5:09 pm
When my friend Jeff was deployed (we signed up together but he got the short straw…) he received a call from his wife about her having cut her finger off with a pair of electric hedge clippers on accident (which really happened). Using this as fuel, we bought one of those Halloween hands that grows in water. After cutting a finger off of the novelty hand, we soaked it for a day in ketchup, placed it in a ziplock bag, and shipped it. It was intended just to be a little bit gross.
However, by the time he received it, it had….well….warmed up more than a bit.
It was rotten, red and purple, bloated, and still had the finger shape. It stunk like death itself, and prompted a rather concerned phone call from Jeff. He was very concerned that she had mailed it to him.
After that, we would send him “lady finger” cookies (actually made to resemble ladies fingers, with almond slices for fingernails) in his care packages.
Good times.
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March 3rd, 2008 at 9:45 am
Wow!! Really wish I had seen this earlier in my man’s deployment, before they topped teh mail! However, my brother is about to deploy again, so i will keep these in mind. *snickers*
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March 12th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
you should also say ive become a lesibien so im dumping you
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Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 7:46 pm:
That is incredibly juvenile and stupid. (Forgive me my harsh words, but I have been watching Thunderbirds 101’s Microsoft Sam series on You Tube in another browser tab, and feel that making my point in such a way is somehow logical.)
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March 13th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Send him the middle part of trashy romance novels; extra points if you make sure all the character development and resolution is removed.
Send him a note that has be “censored” by Military Intelligence that infers you’ve won money or the house burned down or that you rode an elephant or better yet all three.
Start calling him Roger. Unless his name is Roger. Then refer to him as Slagathorn.
Send care packages of chocolate pudding re-labled as “Man Puddin'”
Send him copies of “Quotations of Chariman Mao”. Bonus points for including a note with 1980’s spy innuendo. “The Eagle flies at 23:00 to pick daffodils in the field of green”
Bi-polar/ Manic depresive tag team letters! Always send two letters; one where you are sweet, happy and wonderful in a nice cursive script, and one in where you are the bride from hell written in rough print. Vary the paper and condition of same.
Send letters to him from a relative that he doesn’t have. Include a picture. Mention childhood moments that prove your fake relative is real. Try to convince him that this person exists.
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May 21st, 2008 at 3:45 am
If you have a female relative roughly teenaged, and far-ish away, pack a care package like it’s going to her (you know, cutsy underwear, body glitter, girl-talk books, that sort of stuff) and send it to him instead. Follow up with a letter explaining the “mistake”. Bonus points if you get said female relative in on it too.
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