50 Rules to Follow If I End Up In an Urban Fantasy Novel
Submitted by Anassa, who has a blog you should check out if you enjoyed this list.
- I will not ask paranormal detectives or supernatural cops if vampires or werewolves are better in bed.
- I will not ask anyone if vampires or werewolves are better in bed.
- Especially if they’re vampires or werewolves.
- I will not ask vampire hunters if they have a Mr. Pointy.
- I will not conjure demons to do my food runs for me.
- I will not pay delivery people in fairy gold.
- Love potions never end well.
- I will not ask fairies if they know Legolas.
- I will not ask fairies if they know Frodo.
- I will not ask fairies if they know Tinkerbell.
- I will not ask fairies if they know Spock.
- Fairies are not aliens. Even if they come from another dimension.
- “Hot enough for ya?” is not a good conversation opener with demons.
- I will not explain Twilight to a vampire.
- I will not explain Twilight to a werewolf.
- Explaining any other paranormal book or show to the undead will just give them ideas. Don’t do it.
- I will not pray to any gods. They tend to be creatively literal when answering.
- I will not take the names of gods in vain. Many gods have power over lightning and I like my body uncharred.
- I will not mention leather pants in the vicinity of a dedicated bounty hunter.
- I will not wear leather pants for any reason.
- I will not tell female bounty hunters, police officers, private detectives, or anyone else who may encounter the undead on a daily basis, that they would look better in heels.
- Axes are not for chopping vegetables.
- Neither are swords, hunting knives, throwing knives, or any other blade weapon.
- That’s probably not V8 in the fridge.
- Witches and wizards are sick of Harry Potter jokes.
- Broomsticks are not romantic presents. Neither are sunblock, shaving cream, razors, embalming fluid, formaldehyde, garlic, Holy water, religious symbols, mirrors, or medical thread.
- If I see something unfamiliar and mobile, I will not poke it with a stick.
- Unless I know what I’m doing.
- And have the appropriate weapon handy.
- If I have to explain the unexplainable, it’s a gas leak.
- Ghosts do not act like Casper.
- I will not assume the moaning, dirty people dressed in rags are alive just because they’re moving.
- I will not assume anything is alive just because it’s moving.
- Decapitation is always a solution when battling monsters.
- Unless it’s a hydra.
- I will keep sharp, pointy objects on me at all times.
- I will keep peace offerings on me at all times.
- Especially when crossing bridges.
- I will not whistle after dark. Nor will I attempt to summon Bloody Mary.
- I will not use anyone’s emergency battle salt or defensive garlic as seasoning.
- I will not address any supernatural law enforcement professional as “babe”, “hot stuff”, “Great and Powerful Master”, “Wonder Woman”, “Superman,” “Wizzard”, or “Your Highness”. The correct forms of address are “sir,” “ma’am,” “detective,” “officer”, and “Mr./Ms. ___.”
- Just because a car has an anti-damage spell does not mean I can take it on a wild joyride through the city.
- Even if it’s my car.
- I will not rub oil lamps in the hopes that a genie will appear.
- I will not make crank calls about monsters or the undead in the hopes that the hot detective shows up to deal with it. Similarly, I will not make crank calls about dragons for the firemen.
- If someone offers me free spells, enchanted objects, granted wishes, the best sex I’ve ever had, prophecies of my future, or magic beans, I will say no, even if it’s really tempting and even if I know how to get out of the ensuing situation.
- I will assume there is a Dark Lord even if I see no evidence supporting their existence. There is always a Dark Lord.
- If a book is giving off vibes, bound in chains, screaming, or appears to be bound in skin or written in blood, I will not open it.
- I will not panic, not even if there is an apocalypse or a million undead on my doorstep. Panic does not solve anything.
- I will try to get out of the novel as soon as possible, if not earlier. And then I will kill the author with my novel-acquired skills.
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March 8th, 2011 at 6:35 pm
I believe one Harry Dresden would confirm #1 as pertains to vampires.
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Phelps reply on March 8th, 2011 6:38 pm:
#4 as well. And #7 is on his business card. (Harry Dresden, Wizard | No love potions or bottomless bags.)
#41 is broken with regularity, though.
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March 8th, 2011 at 7:57 pm
This is awesome.
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March 9th, 2011 at 8:58 am
When the unspeakable arcane evil rises again to rule the world, remember two things.
1) Last time he was awake all we had were pointy sticks, maybe with a bit of iron on the end. He’s probably never heard of rifles, machine guns, grenades, shoulder fired rockets, tanks or thermo-nuclear bombs.
2) There is no kill like over-kill.
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Gwenyvier reply on March 9th, 2011 3:19 pm:
That’s a very good point. Unless the ancient evil is immortal (in which case you’re just screwed) a headshot will kill just about anything.
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jebbers12 reply on March 9th, 2011 6:00 pm:
not everything if its a giant roach itll live for another week in that case once again your screwed.
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Laughing-in-class reply on March 10th, 2011 3:19 pm:
Agreed. I find that most creatures are pretty much fearful of .12 gague shotguns, regardless of religion or immortality. Even it it can’t kill ’em, it’ll still hurt like hell.
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Squab reply on March 11th, 2011 1:39 am:
Gotta wonder, would a heatshot kill a hydra?
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Gwenyvier reply on March 11th, 2011 1:41 am:
I think it would depend on if you hit the main head and if the headshot is from a nuke or not. :p
StoneWolf reply on March 11th, 2011 4:43 pm:
Depends on the ordinance selection. I feel reasonably confidant that an anti-tank cluster munition followed immediately by an anti-personnel cluster munition should deal with the problem satisfactorily without resorting to radiation poisoning. If you turn a hydra into pink mist, or anything really, its probably very dead or at least not going to coalesce in more time than it would take to sterilize the area with either incendiary or radiological means.
Phelps reply on March 11th, 2011 4:47 pm:
When in doubt… napalm.
March 9th, 2011 at 9:16 am
Outstanding!
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March 9th, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Just occured to me, rule 50 sucks. If I ended up in an Urban Fantasy Novel, I’d probably want to stay there.
Depends on what my chances of living are.
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March 14th, 2011 at 3:32 pm
Looking at it, number 47 also applies to Star Wars.
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September 23rd, 2011 at 5:27 pm
but, how can I tell if the book is written in blood if i don’t open it?
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January 26th, 2012 at 9:45 pm
Here’s one: I will not tell the female paranormal private investigator that Anita Blake is hotter than they are. Especially if I manage to fall into an Anita Blake story.
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November 4th, 2016 at 5:00 pm
Here’s a few more:
-If I’m fortunately lucky enough to be in said world with a firearm from this one, save the ammunition (after the first necessary kill shot) for absolute emergencies.
-Do not ever attempt to flirt with a dark elf, no matter how drunk you are.
-Do not attempt to flirt with or amuse dragons. Their sense of humor and amusement is far different and more likely than not you might find yourself stuck in the middle of an oversized hot dog bun.
-Do not assume any stereotype is true until you see it first hand.
-Inventions from gnomes = potential high caliber disaster.
-You will likely stick out in the new environment. Try not to play to the fears of the populace.
-Your words may likely be seen literally.
-Choice between save allies helping you and getting home? Save them. There will likely be another chance sometime soon.
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