Why April first is my favorite day of the year.
Every year I try to do at least one April Fool’s Day joke on at least someone. Some years I may do 2-3 jokes. Whether I’ve contracted the clap from the Bearded Lady at the traveling circus to pregnancy scares, to cutting off appendages with a power saw, miter saw, snapping turtle, sharp edge of a toilet seat, to wrecking cars, bikes, or Barbi power wheels, I always catch someone unawares, and enjoy a laugh or two at how I got them!
This past April first did not start out very good for me at all. When I tried to do the whole “you’re gonna be a grandma again!” thing on my mom it backfired. I figured that since I’m only engaged and not married and that since a big chunk of my pay is going to my ex-wife for my other two kids that my mom wouldn’t be to thrilled with me being a dad at this time. Turns out that she was ecstatic. Now my joke was just plain mean. Not what I had in mind.
So I figured I’d try and save the day from being a total waste by coming up with something big, something that would involve multiple people and really come out of left field. I decided to go after the proprietor of my favorite watering hole.
April 1st fell on a Pool League night for me. I play for my local watering hole, “Mooses” in a league of local watering holes, ran by the vendor, Billy, who contracts their pool tables, dart board, cig machines, and those damn touch screens with naked girls that have sucked down so many of my dollars over the years.
I contacted Billy, who runs the leagues and explained to him my plan. My team was shooting away that evening, and I wanted him to call my bar owner, known as “Moose”, and tell him that he has to come get his team out of jail, because they got into a fight over a foul, and destroyed the home team’s bar, and since he sanctioned the team under his name he’s liable for all the damages.
The plan worked great, but what I didn’t count on was that the owner of the home team Bar, “Justine” wanted in on the game, and that she was actress quality. After the vendor placed his call to Moose, Justine placed a call. She shut up her entire bar and restaurant, and about 30 people sat there and listened to her let Moose have it.
“Is this MOOSE?! What kind of Assholes do you have on your pool team? My guys just joined this league to have a little fun, and play pool not get into a bar-brawl over some petty shit!” The cops just left and took your guys downtown! I want to let you know that those guys punched a girl, put a pool stick through my jukebox, and broke about twenty beer mugs, some of them over my customers’ heads!!!!!” I talked to my lawyer, he says that you’re liable for the damages because they were here as your team!”
I finished off the joke with a call to Moose myself. He was pissed, and swore to God that he wasn’t paying for those damages, and was headed to the police station right now! I asked him if he had bothered to look at the calendar, and it got all quiet on the other end…
Then I hit the speakerphone button, and had Justine’s entire bar yell “April Fools!”…and listened…… “You son of a bitch, I’m going to kill you!!! Where’s that Justine woman at? You damn near gave me a heart attack!”
I know that some of you Skippyslist readers have some good funny AFD stories. Let’s hear em!
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May 10th, 2011 at 11:51 pm
One april first my sister tried to get me with the rubber band around the sink sprayer attachment trick, but I noticed the rubber band took it off did about half the dishes, replaced the rubber band with a piece of clear tape, and told her that I needed to go somewhere and could she please finish the dishes. Unlike me she didn’t notice the trap. I was still in the next room when she turned the water on. I could hear her shrieking all the way out to the car.
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Lit reply on May 12th, 2011 5:20 pm:
In my experience, black electrical tape is the key for getting away with it unnoticed
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David reply on May 12th, 2011 9:05 pm:
Took me a while to figure this out. I’ve had Delta faucets in my kitchen for too many years to remember the “old days”.
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Lit reply on May 16th, 2011 4:27 pm:
I actually had to search on Google to find out what a “Delta faucet” was. Goddamn kids today. GET OFF MY LAWN!!!
May 11th, 2011 at 2:53 am
When I was 17, I had the forethought to plan my prank out in advance – I nailed the bathroom window shut from the outside, and took all of the extra towels. Later that day, when my brother was taking a shower so he could go out with his girlfriend and their friends, I snuck into the bathroom and took his clothes, towel, and the toilet paper. He was left with the frosted-clear-plastic shower curtain. I soaped up the doorknob, locked it, and waited.
My brother is not one to ask for help in anything, ever. So when he couldn’t get out of the bathroom because the doorknob was slippery, he figured he’d wait it out. By the time he figured out that I had used Vaseline, not soap, and that he wasn’t getting out by the door, his friends were hanging out in the hard, killing time while waiting for him – in prime view of the bathroom window he chose to climb out (as I had pulled the nails out about halfway through the wait).
Nothing is sweeter than the mortified scream of your older brother. Nothing, that is, except for him believing your little brother was behind it all.
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Signalist reply on May 11th, 2011 2:34 pm:
ROFL
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May 11th, 2011 at 2:26 pm
I don’t have good AFD jokes to speak of, but last year me, my sister and my father, while we were traveling to attend funeral that was taking place on April 1st, we joked that knowing our family once we get there we’ll probably be informed that the funeral was an AFD -joke. (Sadly I wouldn’t be surprised if some of my father’s brothers were pull that off some day)
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May 11th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
One AFD I went to a little party and smeared the toilet handle, the taps to the sinks and the doorknob with limburger cheese…absolutely nothing funnier than watching people getting tipsy, sniffing their hands thinking they pooed on themselves
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May 12th, 2011 at 9:11 pm
I have an assistant at work who would love to have been a Marine, but couldn’t enlist due to a medical condition that couldn’t be waivered, but nevertheless is a pretty hardcore outdoor gear enthusiast. Of course every AFD, there are scads of gags on all the websites. This year there was a gag for some MOLLE gear from US Cav, and if you didn’t scroll down to read the fine print at the bottom of the page and you were particularly gullible, you might mistake it for real. Sooooo… I set him up, took advantage of a conversation with an Active Duty Marine who came into the office that day, turned it to mentioning “gear”, and got my assistant thinking about “Marine stuff”.
He was primed and ready when I told him I was thinking about buying us “new jackets from US Cav” and sent him this link:
http://www.uscav.com/mollextreme.aspx?cm_sp=mxtreme-_-HOME-_-apr2011A
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June 2nd, 2011 at 6:48 pm
My only successful AFD joke came about by accident. Of course someone getting knocked down and “attacked” by a 200 pound realistic looking zombie dummy upon opening a door, simply because you didn’t have a better place to lean it, isn’t much of a thought out joke. Especially when you find out that the person has Kinemortophobia (or a fear of the undead).
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June 19th, 2011 at 4:50 am
I don’t even know how I ended up right here, however I thought this post used to be good. I don’t realize who you are but definitely you’re going to a famous blogger if you happen to are not already ;) Cheers!
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lt. ronald reply on July 10th, 2011 10:46 pm:
Thank you!
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September 25th, 2016 at 3:18 am
Skippy:
Munchkin Land Police Dept. Crime Scene Tape, 2 stripped stockings, 1 pair ruby red slippers, 2 faux shrunken legs.
Stockinged legs with slippers pushed against foundation of victims house. Then CSI Tape up (a policeman pal could show hot to do it)the area around the tape.
Discarded Dunkin Donut boxes, foam coffee cups, etc.
for ambiance. (yes my spelling sux.
Extra points if you can lasso policemen, police cars, morgue attendants, and one tv station van. And video tape up a fake tv bulletin. Record on dvd and set it up at his workplace (if they have a tv/dvd player. “Dude! Isn’t that your house?”
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