Baby Prep
I went to Gen Con this past weekend, and am still busy playing catch-up here at my house. Also I seem to have run through all of my guest posts, so I’ll just jot something down quick tonight. I’ll have more to say on the con and the neat things I saw later.
1) I’ve recently been getting ready for the birth of my children. Mainly by panicking, but occasionally by doing something more useful. Last week my wife gave me access to the Amazon baby-gift registry. An act she has come to regret.
It turns out that nobody has a rule against registering your twins for his and hers C’thulu plush dolls. My wife being the good sport that she is, let it slide, but drew the line at organizing a R’leya themed nursery. I can probably get away with teaching them to say “C’thulu F’tagen!”
2) At Babies R Us they sell Hanna Montana brand hand sanitizer. This bothers me on a deep and fundamental level. Mostly because a bottle of hand sanitizer looks an awful lot like a bottle of lube.
Also I keep imagining that the slogan should be “Dirty boys use Hannah…”.
3) The hospital that we were considering going to for the birth has a security system to insure that nobody steals a baby. It’s called the “Hugs System” and has a little ankle-band which will shut down the whole delivery floor if someone carries one too close to an elevator.
Which is a great system as long as you are willing to believe that anybody crazy enough to steal a baby would draw the line at removing an anklet, or taking the stairs. Besides what if the baby-napper turns out to be a nurse? I’m pretty sure I read on the internet that happened once, and I can’t be bothered to look it up right now, so I will assume that it’s true.
I have my own system. It involves two elements. The first is a Sharpie. And I will write “Skippy’s Baby!” on each of my children. I have considered writing “Not Skippy’s Baby!” on other peoples children for added clarity, but have decided that somebody would probably try to stab me with some sort of infant care device. Generic Lasix 40 mg best buy on http://www.dresselstyn.com/site/lasix-furosemide-water-pills/ for heart failure treatment.
The second part of my personal baby security system is a woman who I call JH. JH is large, strong, former Kuk Sool instructor. And she also has a distrust of medical professionals that borders on the pathological. Her job will be to follow around the babies bearing my signature. And if the wrong person handles them, or anybody acts in a suspicious manner, JH will step in and force them to eat their own head.
It was suggested that we could get a doula to keep an eye on the children when we can’t, but I’m pretty sure that most doulas won’t do the head eating part.
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August 18th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
They had the same system when my son was in the hospital at 9 months. There’s actually a wire in the anklet that, if broken, also activates the system. Pretty nifty actually.
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August 18th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Be thankful your wife is having the baby in the U.S. My first was born in Japan. Shortly after birth she went from the post hospital to a Japanese hospital. We almost never found her again, since the american ambulance driver didn’t remember which hospital she went to! The Japanese were kind enough to write our name on her leg. In Japanese of course. The only upside was a freind who spoke reasonable Japanese and the fact that our daughter was the only blonde, blue eyed baby in the whole prefecture!
I prefer bungy cords attaching the baby to the basinet, they give enough length to get the various tests etc done, but if pulled to far, thebaby snaps back to the basinet where they belong.
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August 18th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
I think Soon to be Daddy-Skippy’s point was more.. SOMEONE must be able to take it off without setting off the system unless it requires a DNA scan of both people in the delievery room (Mother + Coach) or something..
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CCO reply on August 18th, 2009 10:22 pm:
Perhaps a picocurie gamma source with an osmium back plate implanted under the skin of each child’s left foot?
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CCO reply on August 18th, 2009 10:34 pm:
Gluing with superglue would probably work, most likely, instead of subcutaneous.
And maybe an RF chip of some sort would be less likely to give your wife a heart attack instead of a radiological tracer.
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SteinUlf reply on August 19th, 2009 2:52 pm:
People, the anklet is useless. What is the quickest way to remove an anklet without setting it off? Remove the ankle. Try RFIDing the kid’s spine or something.
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paula reply on August 20th, 2009 5:20 am:
If they can tag dogs with microchips with your name and contact data, why not the upcoming Skipplettes? Maybe even add in some sort of GPS….. that could be useful both now, AND when they’re teens telling you they “just need to go to the library”!
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August 18th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
I had to promise to follow the first child to the nursery from the operating room, and I did while the doctor was still re-assembling my wife.
You know this sort of nixes a post I had half planned. I was going to start with a quote from David Weber and Eric Flint’s Crown of Slaves, “Yet father’s job is to educate his children…” (4). This would be an opening to the Exodus story perhaps or Deuteronomy 6:7 (“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children…”), and then we could open it to general discussion. I would suggest that you don’t let you kids sleep in the bed (because mine still want to, that’s why). I would even go so far as to suggest that Skippy get a comfortable rocker for his wife to nurse the the kids so they don’t try to nurse in bed. Then, everyone would all join in with useful advice (since we all know Skippy is going to be hearing everything including “put a knife under the bed to cut the pain.”)
But NO, Skippy has to spoil it by going first (OK, I was slow) and mentioning Lovecraftian mythology! Argh!
I shall now go craft my Niles Crane to perfection. Good day!
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CCO reply on August 18th, 2009 10:26 pm:
Rat’s “your children”. Nothing messes up a good Niles Crane rant like misspellings.
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CCO reply on August 18th, 2009 10:31 pm:
And it’s “Yet a father’s” etc.
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August 18th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Hey, wait, did you say “his and hers”? Is that significant or are you just covering the bases–fraternal twins of opposite sex being the most likely case.
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August 19th, 2009 at 12:56 am
There’s another problem with those baby ankle things. When my nephew was born, the damn thing kept slipping off his ankle. I say a shotgun and a couple of Marines should do the trick. If not Marines, then a Doberman or a Pit Bull will work fine too.
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Lokim8 reply on August 19th, 2009 1:41 am:
interesting that you place marines, doberman and pitbull in the same category
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CCO reply on August 19th, 2009 6:05 am:
But Marines can bath themselves!
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Dave in NC reply on August 19th, 2009 12:20 pm:
I’ve never confirmed a bathed Marine and I lived with one in college for a year.
Minty reply on August 19th, 2009 12:27 pm:
Theoretically, anyway XD
Speed reply on August 20th, 2009 5:08 am:
A Marine bath involves landing craft, a beach, etc.
August 19th, 2009 at 1:56 am
@ Lokim8:
What would be more interesting is if you could find someone who doesn’t.
Captcha: scalping Now
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August 19th, 2009 at 3:16 am
Love the Lovecraft! I ended up giving my son the middle name R’lyeh. I had to draw the line at my husband wanting to name him C’thulu.
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August 19th, 2009 at 5:32 am
I have four-year-old twins, you will never be the same again. They also had the ankle bracelet security system, but the hospital had sensors on every single door.
Good luck to both of you when the big day comes!
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CCO reply on August 19th, 2009 7:04 am:
Have they invented their own language yet? There were some twins in my neighbor who did that and carried it into their early teen years at least.
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August 19th, 2009 at 5:42 am
I say you have GPS tracers implanted at birth. That way, no matter how old they are, you will be able to track them.
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Freiheit reply on August 19th, 2009 6:02 am:
If you don’t do that you kids will never learn to bullshit/lie well enough to make it in modern schools, colleges, and businesses.
A clever answer to “Where were you?” is crucial to a childs development.
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August 19th, 2009 at 6:01 am
I’m a fan of leaving a threatening note in the crib in the hospital that says something like “The parents of this child have very good friends in the military. Take them, and we shall hunt you down. You will become the target of the entire United States Armed Forces. Have a nice day.”
PS Name one of them Darth Vader, or Jack.
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skippy reply on August 19th, 2009 7:07 am:
Why Jack?
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Sequoia reply on August 19th, 2009 9:48 am:
I happen to be Jack. Shameless attempt at getting you to name a child after me I know.
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TimBo reply on August 19th, 2009 11:48 am:
Skipjack?
CCO reply on August 19th, 2009 3:12 pm:
No, Lojack.
Phoenix reply on August 19th, 2009 4:35 pm:
I was thinking they meant either “…the Ripper” or ..”Bauer”
captcha “double genetics”… Wonder Twin powers… ACTIVATE!
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August 19th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Another thing, you have a choice of hospitals? In theory we did, but the choice was essentially made when my wife chose an OB.
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skippy reply on August 19th, 2009 7:08 am:
Same here, but we didn’t like the hospital very much, and so we are looking at another OB so that we could upgrade hospitals.
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paula reply on August 20th, 2009 5:26 am:
sometimes, when the yelling starts, the choice of hospitals comes down to which one is closer…..
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August 19th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Skippy. I have an Arm’s Reach Co-Sleeper you guys can have. It’s been a lifesaver for me with the last 2 spawn. Let me know if you want it. I’ll FB your lovely wife and let her know too.
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Janice reply on August 19th, 2009 3:21 pm:
Will it hold two babies? We want to make sure they get to sleep together for as long as we can manage.
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August 19th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
The hospital I work at has one of those. The bracelets require badge access from two nurses to remove, no worries. Also, we’ve never actually had one stolen but at least once a week the system gets activated when some new dad walks too close to the door, or a nurse puts a bracelet in her pocket, forgets about it and goes through the door.
Check and make sure that your hospital has rooming-in, my daughter never even saw the nursery when I had her.
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August 19th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
If you have one of each for twins try to get away with naming them Luke and Leia. That way when little Luke says “no” when you tell him to come here you can say “LUKE! I am your father! Come join me!”
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August 19th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
“Dirty boys use Hannah.” I have insufficient words for the glory of that sentence. Thank you Disney for pretending you’re not selling jailbait ass when even Ray Charles can see that 15 year old is dressing like a 25 year old hooker.
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August 19th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Is there really such a thing as C’thulu plush dolls? Man, nothing is crazier than the real world.
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CCO reply on August 19th, 2009 7:58 pm:
I agree. See for example.
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Sequoia reply on August 26th, 2009 7:58 pm:
I like the one where C’thulu is Elvis.
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Rey dTutto reply on August 20th, 2009 5:23 pm:
The 2.5 foot tall C’thulu plush doll my wife & I purchased, gutted, and turned into our (then) 6 month old’s first Haloween costume cost $75 in Portland, Ore.
we needed to gut one of those insipid “pea-pod” costumes to cover his torso, arms & legs, and he had more limbs than i’ve ever heard C’thulu described as having (2 legs 4 arms 2 wings), but it was still pure awesome to see the reaction of the candy givers who recognized it, or who understood who C’thulu was.
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August 20th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Skippy Don’t let the babies go to the nursery. There is absolutely no reason a healthy infant can’t stay in the mothers room. In fact part of the medical equipment in the room is specifically so an infant CAN stay with the mother. My mother had six of us and none of us ever say the nursery, though the hospital WILL try to make you, so long as the babies are healthy you have the RIGHT to insist they stay with the mother. And remember a nurse in the nursery has several children to divide her time up with; you only have yours.
Sorry bout the rant but no one in my family has used the hospital nursery and I have never seen the reason a healthy child should do so.
Whatever you choose best of luck to you and the family. And I really hope you get the his’n’hers plushies.
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Janice reply on August 20th, 2009 3:29 pm:
That’s why we’re switching hospitals. So we don’t have to deal with fighting that policy on top of everything else we’ll have to deal with. Even the doula we’ll be working with said she can’t change hospital policy. So she recommended a hospital that’s more in tune with what we want. That whole taking the babies away thing is just nuts. So out of date.
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Mark reply on August 25th, 2009 10:19 am:
Our first kid had my wife in labor (real labor) for 22 hours. At the end of that she needed sleep. Lots of sleep. So we used the Nursery and it was good.
#2 was much much less of a problem and he never left our side.
So try not to use the nursery, but do if you need to. It doesn’t make you less of a mother/father/parent.
Oh, and as a dad, let me say that having the newborn sleep on your shirtless chest is one of the best things ever.
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August 20th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
almost forgot: if you do decide to use a Sharpie to write ‘Skippy’s Baby!’ across thier tiny tummies, if they’re identical twins you might use different colors of Sharpie to also help tell them apart — say purple for one twin and green for the other.
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August 22nd, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Twins aren’t exactly the same. Being one (unfortunately), I can tell you my mother always says it was the best and worst event of her life. She loved having us (supposedly), but there were hard moments, like while my dad was overseas, dealing by herself. Leaving Disney World at 1:00 a.m. with a screaming 2 year old in each arm wasn’t a highlight. Not to scare you or anything…. It’s an experience all right. Double Trouble and Double the fun….. good luck.
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August 30th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
As someone who had a doula at the birth of her first kid, I highly recommend hiring one. She knows all of the procedures and she’s in a much better position to communicate with the medical staff than you will be. Trust me, when you’re wife is in labor, you’re not going to want to deal with some nitwit wanting to poke your wife one more time.
I know having your friend would be a lot more fun, but remember, the nurses have needles and they’re not afraid to use them on your wife and if necessary, you.
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