Things I Have Learned From Watching TV Ads
Staying at home with the kids, I have been finding myself watching more TV than I used to. And holding a Tivo remote anywhere even remotely close to a toddler is an invitation for disaster, which means I get to see more commercials than I used to. Here is what I have learned:
- Real men only drink crappy beer.
- Crappy beer has transmutational properties only dreamed about by the alchemists of yore.
- The right combination of smells will evidently cause women to pass you around like the last joint at a Grateful Dead concert.
- Snotty entitled eight year olds make the majority of family car purchasing decisions.
- Unless you do business with a very specific bank, they will send a small army of Vikings to fuck your shit up.
- Joining the military looks cleaner, safer, and loads more fun than I remember it being.
- Without a constant supply of the proper sorts of hygiene products, all women will revert into a blemish-ridden, yellow-toothed unfuckable hag.
- Without proper training, a blanket will murder you. You don’t have that training. You should buy an easier alternative.
- The people responsible for sneakers make the A-Team, Kelly’s Heroes, and the Dirty Dozen look like a bunch of pussies.
- New Orleans still exists, and should be considered a viable vacation spot. Also some sort of mirror-mirror ultra awesome version of yourself will claw it’s way out of you deflated husk in a manner that is in no way horrific to witness.
- Advertising agencies hate the songs I grew up with, which is why they torture them horribly to sell products.
- The right consumer merchandise can re-write time, for the purpose of undoing every bad decision that you ever made.
- Men freaking never clean the house.
- If you are thinking about a new luxury car, you should be very worried that you don’t accidentally get one that is moderately less luxurious. As opposed to worrying that you will be murdered and eaten by one of the many folks recently rendered homeless by the recession.
- Every single movie that has ever been released is exponentially more exciting than anything you have ever seen before.
- It’s okay to deny food to someone, if they are of a different ethnicity than you.
- There are no repercussions for stealing from supernatural beings with fairly impressive magical abilities.
- The quality of your social life is based entirely on what fast food you buy.
- The right choice of chewing gum can increase your chances of getting lucky. The wrong choice can lead to a goat attack.
- The guys who make Apple product commercials are still douche bags.
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August 17th, 2011 at 12:42 am
Dude! You’re getting a Dell!
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August 17th, 2011 at 8:50 am
So are the people who make accessories for Apple products. Ever notice how every other phone cover out there will cover everything except the screen and the holes you need to access things, like the data ports and volume buttons, but the covers for Apple phones ALWAYS have cut outs for the Apple logo, to make sure everyone knows how big of a techno-douche you are?
Of course, I like to think of that as the “Apple glory hole”. I so want the Penny Arcade guys to make a shirt of their infamous fruit juicing machine taking on the Apple logo (check out the middle panel of this comic: http://penny-arcade.com/comic/2011/07/25)
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August 17th, 2011 at 12:11 pm
Re: #6. I keep seeing those commercials, and thinking back to that blood-mud-tear-soaked 9 weeks I spent at Ft. Sill. Yeah, I wanna know when joining up became clean? As for safer, well the Army has become very safety conscious. Does it work? Hell no. The fun part depends on your MOS. Being a medic, any idiot coming to me with a freakin hang-nail is subject to helping me with IV practice, by becoming the dummy. Not to mention, you never known when I’ll decide to tape someone into their rack in the middle of the night. The downside is, hurry up and wait is an Army-wide phenomenon that is meant to crush one’s soul into yummy paste.
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August 17th, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Wait.. Men can clean the house?
Someone is going to be rather cross with you for spoiling THAT secret..
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skippy reply on August 17th, 2011 2:04 pm:
I clean my house…
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Courtney reply on August 17th, 2011 9:12 pm:
Yeah, but Skippy, YOU’RE the stay at home mom.
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Ihmhi reply on August 18th, 2011 1:17 am:
He prefers domestic diva THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
JMireles reply on August 19th, 2011 8:56 pm:
I help out around the house, which makes my wife happy. If I make her happy enough, she’ll make me very happy. Happy wife, happy life.
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Diane reply on August 26th, 2011 10:33 pm:
If you’re under forty years of age, you are faaaaar ahead of the game in already learning THAT lesson and your wife is very, very fortunate to have you around for her husband.
August 27th, 2011 at 11:06 am
I’m 34, and I’m the one who’s fortunate. She’s an awesome woman. LOL
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November 30th, 2011 at 5:33 am
Speaking, as some one living Aus, there is one add with a man who cleans the house. But he speaks as if he is high from sniffing his cleaning products.
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November 30th, 2011 at 5:42 am
About piont #13, being an Assie i have seen one add with a man who cleans the house trying to flog his product, but he talks as if he has been sniffing his own product.
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