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We are rapidly approaching the first birthday of my children. So it would appear that we have managed to keep them alive for a full year. I imagine there may have been some bets amongst my readers covering this possibility.
As I think back over the past year, I am reminded of all of the things that being a new parent has taught me.
- Jesus, do women go nuts over a guy who has babies. Seriously, I wish I had known this back when I was single. I would have been offering to take all of my friends kids to the park all the time.
- Poop doesn’t always stay in the back of the diaper. It can migrate to the front.
- Item two means that you will probably have to handle baby junk more thoroughly than you previously thought.
- In relation to item 3. The boy will make adorable cooing noises when you do this, which will be creepy.
- Talking toys are cute at first. They then become mildly annoying. Then they become really annoying. Then you trip over one at night. Which causes two little blinking red eyes to appear, and a little girls voice to say “Tee-hee! Come plaaaaay with me!” and now the speaking monkey doll lives in the garage.
- If you trip and fall while carrying a baby it is possible to contort you body in such a way that every part of you, and no part of the baby, touches the ground.
- When children get hungry they may try to pull random women’s breast out of their shirts. Sure it’s cute when they do it.
- I can evidently do most of the choreography from The Wiggles.
- The Wiggles look an awful lot like an Away Team.
- I would really like for someone to make a Wiggles mod for L4D.
- Babies understand many more words than they can express vocally, but you can bridge the gap with ASL. Granted they don’t always have the same understanding of the word. For instance, my children’s first ASL word was “Milk” which they decided was their mother’s name.
- It’s evidently not funny to introduce your wife to people as Milk.
We got once of these things when they were born. It’s called a Fisher Price Rainforest Bouncer, and it’s intended function is to be a sort of vibrating relaxation chair for infants. In the hands of the unskilled, it is a horrific baby catapult.
- They have figured out what they thing the word “no” means. Which is “Grab that neat thing you just found and start running.”
- If your best friend laughs when your daughter throws broccoli at you, he’s just invented a new game.
- If you lightly but quickly slide you hand along a babies head, while sharply stepping on a hard plastic cup, it really looks, to the untrained observer that you just snapped your kid’s neck. Which is apparently not funny.
- Teething babies can chew a hole in the side of a cardboard moving box. Which they will then helpfully begin to empty for you.
- Babies fucking hate tied shoelaces.
- If you try to teach your son to high five, you may inadvertently teach him that “hitting is fun”. Which your wife will find hilarious. Up until the point that he tries to give his great grandma “face five”.
- It is entirely possible for a baby to take off their diaper without taking off their pajamas. I have no idea how, but I have seen proof that this is so. (To be clear, baby was in pajamas. Diaper was in pajamas. Diaper was no longer applied to baby, but was wrapped around baby’s left foot, giving him a sort of “pamper cankle”.)
- If you explain one of your parenting plans to your own parents, and they look at each other with a mild look of amusement, DO NOT FOLLOW THAT PLAN.
- My cell phone is delicious.
- Video games, featuring gun fights and monsters? Not scary. Zombie movies? Not scary. Sharktopus? Not scary. Somebody sneezed? Baby is screaming in terror.
- Using the Sharktopus theme as a lullaby is effective, but makes the grandparents look at you funny.
Also if you want to get my babies a present for their birthday, they would really like for you to click on this Walking Dead picture, so that their daddy can win free zombie stuff. If you’ve already clicked on it, you can actually do it once a day.
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October 22nd, 2010 at 11:42 am
Just wait until the day that “sweet baby boy” reaches down and begins to fiddle with his junk while you’re trying to wipe the s@it off him. All the while he coos, grins maniacally, and tries to keep eye contact with you.
Mommy needs therapy now.
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Chrissy reply on December 1st, 2010 9:24 am:
Yeah, my sons do/did it too…flips his junk up and down looking directly at me and giggles, or starts to giggle if I have to touch him at all and clean him up there (getting baby chub and all). I could use therapy as well.
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October 22nd, 2010 at 12:48 pm
I swear you are trying to kill me with laughter, Skippy.
Will be forwarding this to the previous generation for their amusement.
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October 22nd, 2010 at 1:07 pm
#14 My daughter thinks “no” means that too. Either that or “whatever’s in your hand, throw it as hard as you can”
#22 Wait till they figure out that if they push the right buttons, they will get a human voice inside it. This little epiphany nearly gave me a heart attack.
#6 I fell down the stairs once when my sister was a baby, she thought it was a super fun ride, my ass was black and blue for weeks.
I do have one to add, you may think its super cute to “nibble” babies belly or arms or whatever and say things like “mmm! baby tummy!” (what, we play this game, don’t pretend you never do it) It becomes less cute when your kid spends twenty minutes trying to literally eat your face, with teeth.
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October 22nd, 2010 at 4:21 pm
On #21 What I find mildly amusing is that you think you will be able to follow ANY kind of plan. Actually, the kids make the plans, you just have to figure out what it is and try to keep up. LOL!
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October 22nd, 2010 at 6:10 pm
I can relate to #22 looks like my G1 is tasty but not my nokia….
and yes 23 & 24 they could play with you any zombie / monster game but turn on the blender or something and hell breaks loose!!!
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October 22nd, 2010 at 7:54 pm
I actually remember the day that my son learned what ‘no’ meant. It worked for about three days and then he figured out that he could just ignore me.
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October 23rd, 2010 at 7:07 am
Also, do not be a unique “item” in the life of your best friend’s baby. I don’t like babies. I am the only person in the world this kid knows with a beard. Which fascinates him. Which means anytime I’m foolish enough to get within arm’s reach my face becomes his playtoy. Why is it that babies love people who don’t like babies?
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JoAnn in VA reply on October 24th, 2010 4:43 am:
For the same reason cats always go to the person who is either deadly allergic to them, or just plain doesn’t like them. I like cats. I like breathing more. STOP TRYING TO JUMP ON MY LAP!
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October 23rd, 2010 at 10:10 am
Oh man, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. Fond memories of being the ignored older child in a family of six.
Captcha: Waricips acquired – was this part of the rejected parenting plan?
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October 23rd, 2010 at 2:07 pm
#2- Not only can it migrate to the front, but it can also shoot up between the shoulderblades.
#6- No kidding.
#18- And they’re completely nauseated by the smell of clean clothes.
#20- My youngest son was very skilled at this. However he only did it with dirty diapers; thereby ensuring the mess is that much worse.
Kinda reminds me of a story from a few years back. Ex-wife and I were in bed asleep. It was 5am. My middle daughter wakes up, and decides to come running into our bedroom. She then takes a flying leap onto our bed, bounces once, then has an epic collision with my nads.
All I remember is waking up screaming, while in excruciating pain. Then my ex-wife, once she figures out why I’m curled in the fetal position and crying, does nothing more than start laughing.
Hate to tell ya Skippy, but it only gets better from here. LOL
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October 24th, 2010 at 10:21 am
Heh. We’ve had a few of these…
No, blenders weren’t scary. Gunfire was something to fall asleep to (cannons included – yes, we managed to find that out this when one of the kids was 3 months old), large animals were fun, and… well there wasn’t much that the kids would have been scared of. Except Teletubbies.
Oh, and some kids are born carnivores. One of ours still doesn’t like carbohydrates much, but at 5 yeas of age was typically eating a large man’s share of meat. Preferably moose.
Those so-called “child safety” devices do absolutely nothing for child safety when the kids learn to open them quicker than you do. They do make for a “nice” repair bill when a great-grandma just forces the dishwasher door open. Or pulls the stairs “safety” gate and its hinges off the wall. Or… (and no, it wasn’t the same great-grandma either.)
The wife’s friends will look at you funny when you and the boys (aged 5, 3 and 1 or so) build a scale model of a specific type of self-propelled howitzer out of Lego DUPLO blocks. But not as much as when a 3-year-old learns to read from the same “Jane’s Tanks and Combat Vehicles Recognition Guide” that we used to plan the thing.
Oh, and being able to use, field-strip and clean an AK-47 is apparently limited by their finger strength, if you get a model where the lid is held by a screw instead of that silly latch arrangement they should be able to do everything themselves by 3 years of age or so. Just remember, only under adult supervision.
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AFP reply on October 25th, 2010 4:52 pm:
On that subject, I took a firearms safety class where they said it’s important that children understand what firearms are, and how they work, from as early an age as practical. This takes away the mystery (and associated intrigue), and helps them avoid hurting themselves. Works even better if you let them use them under your supervision, and make it clear that they can only use them when you are supervising.
And of course, getting a good gun cabinet with a lock they can’t get into. Just because the kid’s been taught doesn’t mean accidents might not still happen. Hell, adults hurt themselves using guns unsupervised all the time.
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mn reply on October 28th, 2010 9:06 am:
Oh, yes, the gun cabinet thing.
With the gun laws in this country (longitude way East of Greenwich), technically it has to be wife-proof too unless I can persuade her to do the appropriate legal paperwork. Which hasn’t happened yet.
So that’s not a child-safety problem.
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David B reply on February 28th, 2014 6:30 pm:
Have you timed them yet? My dad timed me when I was cleaning an old Colt Peacemaker.
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October 24th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
mn…can we work out a trade? I’ve 4 boys and 4 girls…take your pic.
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mn reply on October 28th, 2010 9:16 am:
A trade of what exactly?
I did end up spending a number of hours around the hospital yesterday, first with one of the kids and then with another, due to completely separate incidents…
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jmireles reply on October 28th, 2010 9:07 pm:
Oh, kids. None of mine know how to handle firearms. I’ve an excuse. Four don’t live with us, three are steps, and the last one is too young. I’d love to have kids who can actually shoot. It’d make a nice change. I agree on the education thing. If they know that guns aren’t toys, then the chances of them hurting themselves or others, goes down. Of course, I worked out a deal with my wife. I get to keep a handgun around the house, under the following conditions: 1) When we’re up and moving, and especially when we’re not in the house, weapon and ammo will be kept seperately. 2) I get to keep it loaded at night. That way I don’t have to spend a lot of time trying to find mags, so as to punch new holes in whatever poor sod is dumb enough to break into a house with an American flag hanging out front 24/7.
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David B reply on February 28th, 2014 6:29 pm:
Hell, just park a Sherman out front. Worked for my buddy’s family!
October 25th, 2010 at 3:25 am
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Thanks.
I can tell you that if you teach them to bite, you’ll be called to the daycare the first time the bite another child (or the supervisor), and the second time, you will have to find another daycare.
captcha: tradent General – old model?
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October 25th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
#6: Oh, so painfully true, but entirely worth it.
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October 25th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
When my little brother was very little, my sister and I taught him a funny thing. Whenever we’d ask him how our mom drove, he’d lean suddenly to one side and go “SCREEEEEE!” (In my mom’s defense, she only did that once, to avoid another car. It was still hysterical to watch a two year old do that though.)
Another thing he learned, from watching Mortal Kombat with my sister 50 times (it was her very favorite movie between Critters 3 and Titanic), was to thrust his fist up in the air and shout “MORTAL KOMBAT!” (He was maybe four at the time?). One time he did this, and accidentally punched one of my sister’s guy friends in the nads. Of course it was a guy she was interested in. We both still found it hysterical. (Remember: A guy taking a shot to the nads is never funny. It is often hilarious, however.)
My little brother is 17 now. When the hell did that happen?
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October 25th, 2010 at 6:21 pm
A few things to add…
2.1) Poop doesn’t always stay in the back of the diaper. It can migrate to the front. Or the sides… of his head.
13.1) …In the hands of the unskilled, it is a horrific baby catapult. Also, it is not “funny” when you catapult your young child safely onto a soft object with him giggling happily. The childs mother will throw a shit-fit until you appologize profusely and prommise never to do it again.
20.1) 20.It is entirely possible for a baby to take off their diaper without taking off their pajamas. I have no idea how, but I have seen proof that this is so. Also, if the diaper “disappears” expect to find it late one night, in the dark, with your foot. You will not be able to find it during daylight hours.
And a few more to add:
25) Yes your baby loves it when you toos them in the air a few inches, or feet, and catch them safely while cheerfully saying “Weeeeeeeee!” Not the baby doesn’t like it when there is a ceiling fan present and running. Moral: Check for ceiling fans…
26) Babies love to be spun around by mommy/daddy until they are slightly dizzy. The also love to resolve that dizzyness by promptly throwing up their milk/formula all over you, your furniture and your computer keyboard.
27) Babies have the ability to pee distances five to ten times their body legnth. they will demonstrate this ability if you do not rapidly develop a third hand in order to place the new diaper over their nether reagions while wiping their bums with one of your original hands and disposing of the dirty diaper with the other.
28) In addition to #27 babies can discover the best way to tie up both hands of both parents while performing this trick.
29) When said golden stream emerges and lands in babies face/mouth they will smack their lips and make satified cooing noises to the absolute disgust of anyone within hearing/viewing distance.
30) Yes babies fart. Yes they fart louder and longer than you. Get over it…
30) When you take twin babies to the grocery store EVERYONE will stop you, EVERYONE will forget how to read and ignore the sign hanging from both carseats stating DO NOT TOUCH THE BABY in glowing yellow letters on a bright red octagon (stop sign shape), and they will attempt to stick their grimy, dirty hands as close to the babies face/mouth as possible. However it is humorous to see the little kids pout they put on when you slap their hand and say “No!” just as if they were toddlers themselves.
31) When you mention you have twins everyone will ask you if they are identical, even if you are holding both of them and it is obvious they aren’t.
32) Twin babies, one with red hair and gray eyes (his eyes stayed grey, fuck yeah!), the other with a more yellow blonde and green eyes + irish mother with red hair and green eyes + Native American father with irish father (red hair and green eyes) = Everyone thinks the mother cheated on the father. Despite the obvious physical similarities between the father and sons.
Just a few more points I’ve run across, repeatedly, as I’ve strolled around with my sons. As a caveat to #32 I’ve actually had people say “I’m sorry” thinking my wife had cheated on me. I KNOW she didn’t, and if anyone seeks proof just look at both my sons noses and chins. Then look at the ears (I have a genetic trait the actually causes my ears to be slightly pointed (like a mythological elf’s). To top it all off they also have my “double-jointed” elbows (I can flex my elbows back to almost a 25 degree angle, also a genetic trait). I’m fairly certain that she didn’t cheat on me and get pregnant because those traits are exceptionally rare.
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David B reply on February 28th, 2014 6:37 pm:
With the pointed ears, I *have* to ask. Have you ever gone as Spock for All Hallows Eve? (Yes, I still call it that. I’m an old fashioned person for being born in the late-80’s/early-90’s. Hell, I carry a pocket watch and own a 1929 Duesenberg!) (Don’t drive it that much. Insurance is hell)
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October 27th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
Andrew, regarding the part about your slightly pointed ears. I must carry the same trait, though genetics decided to joke with me, and make only my left ear pointed. All but two of my kids have the same pointed ear. Kinda cool. Outside of my spawn, you’re the first I’ve even heard of. As for the elbows, mine are normal. My fingers though…
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January 31st, 2011 at 5:03 pm
I don’t have kids, but my father breeds greyhounds and we have a number of house dogs as well. Over the years I’ve developed one basic rule – if it’s something you don’t want destroyed, make sure a dog cannot get to it no matter what. If it’s within biting range, assume it will get bitten.
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David B reply on February 28th, 2014 7:02 pm:
Exactly! We have a retired greyhound, and they are like toddlers. Well, toddlers that can get things off the back of the stove when they get on their hind legs, and ANYTHING off the table when they stand next to it. If they can get to it, it will end up in their mouth.
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