List of Things a Property Manager is Not Allowed To Do
(Submitted by JP)
1. Not allowed to reference the holocaust.
2. Ever.
3. Regarding anything.
4. Not allowed to use big words teachers don’t understand to insult them.
5. Not allowed to also mention that you dropped out of a city college.
6. An executives office should never be below 60 degrees.
7. Not allowed to turn the HVAC system down to Arctic temperatures according to who pissed
you off that day.
8. Not allowed to cook them either.
9. Not allowed to put indignant employees on hold for an indefinite amount of time.
10. Maximum hold time should be no more than 1 minute.
11. Not allowed to tell building occupants that you have a “secret property manager escape during the event of an accident that will get you away from danger in seconds.” They will believe you.
12. Not allowed to write detailed letters to the tech department regarding their security flaws and how you exploited them. They will never fix them.
13. Not allowed to spoof the Superintendents email address and then proceed to tell the tech department how stupid they are.
14. Not allowed to find security flaws in the building access system.
15. Not allowed to exploit said flaws after 6 months of badgering them to fix the problem. This will only cause you more problems.
16. Not allowed to involve the police chief on said security flaws. He cant protect you.
17. Not to tell terminally ill people you would “love to trade spots.”
18. Pointing out someones stupidity will result in you having to try to fix them.
19. When asked to transfer a call the proper response is not, “Why didn’t you just call them directly. I am not a receptionist. Their extension is x*****. Go call them.”
20. Explaining to someone on the phone that its faster to just call someone directly is also not allowed.
21. Don’t set up office phones to forward to peoples personal cell phones. It doesn’t matter that they never return phone calls.
22. When an occupant yells at you because your coworkers don’t return their calls, do not commiserate with them. Just fix it.
23. Not allowed to use the facilities for personal gain. Nor may your charity, LLC, Corp, or anything else you are affiliated with.
24. Not allowed to put Machiavelli quotes up as the quote of the day.
25. Not on Evernote either.
26. During religious discussion, you are not allowed to talk about your imaginary friends. You think this is discriminatory. Everyone else finds it offensive.
27. Not allowed to bring back corporal punishment.
28. Or torture, stocks, beheading, the 80’s, water boarding or anything else that could be perceived offensive by anyone.
29. Not allowed to distribute software that allows employees to get around the internet filtering program.
30. Not allowed to talk nonsense over the radio.
31. No German over the radio.
32. No radio.
33. Not allowed to tell employees, “If you cannot do X, in the future instead of failing just tell me and I will do it. You have now created more work then we started out with. Thanks.” You will get a phone call from a union.
34. Not allowed to harass the unions.
35. Not allowed to insult union leaders while they are speaking to the news and live on the air.
36. Your title is not “Untermensch.”
37. Don’t tell upper management that if they dont like it they can fire you. Even though they wont actually fire you.
38. Stop proving 37.
40. You are not allowed to carry master keys to anything.
41. Cannot fabricate master keys or master key cards or any variation of the previous.
42. When going on a smoke break, referring to it as “getting cancer” can be viewed as offensive.
43. So is thanking god for anti-depressants in front of the occupant.
44. Not allowed on the roof under any circumstances.
45. Not allowed to point out that traffic in front of the building would be just as effective as the roof.
46. Not allowed to harass the protesters.
47. Not allowed to pretend to be a protester after work, in order to harass the protesters.
48. Laughing maniacally after denying protesters use of the restroom is not allowed. (Nearest restroom is at least a 1 mile uphill walk.)
49. Not allowed to build, test, distribute, or even talk about computer viruses.
50. Not allowed to bring your bike into the office with you.
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December 7th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Alternative Title: Why JP cannot claim unemployment if he is let go.
Thanks Skippy!
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December 7th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
What happened to #39?
Captcha “11 busses” — that would be the traffic in front of the building?
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December 7th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Dont ask about 37. It involves the Geneva Convention and War Crimes.
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Willy reply on December 7th, 2009 5:41 pm:
You mean 39? O_o
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December 7th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Monday’s sometimes make me dyslexic especially before caffeine. Forgive me.
Final Answer: 39
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December 7th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Gonna forward this to my buddies in CE. Lots of this seems to carry over just fine!
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December 8th, 2009 at 3:53 am
38 is all win. What were the protesters protesting?
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JP reply on December 8th, 2009 8:53 am:
Whatever they are entitled to this week. Usually your tax dollars.
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December 8th, 2009 at 10:30 am
I am curious as to where in this weird wired world you work. It sounds like a good place to drink heavily and laugh at the locals.
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December 8th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Gunrunner you are correct. Drinking heavily is a prerequisite. As for the locals, well they practically make fun of themselves. The place is Los Angeles.
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December 8th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Have to wonder what your bike did to be banned from the office. Was it too tired at work?
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paula reply on December 9th, 2009 9:34 am:
maybe the bike just played on the work computer all day: all it did was play online games and hunt for porn…..
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December 8th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I have to say that I object to #50…unless the bike in question is a Harley Davidson.
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December 8th, 2009 at 11:18 am
RE #48:
It’s it good sense to deny protesters the right to use the bathroom? What if they use the opportunity to sabotage you! Doesn’t anyone think of these things anymore, or are we going to have to include paranoids on the list of minorities every business should be required to hire?
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JP reply on December 8th, 2009 11:32 am:
They don’t have the resources to sabotage anything. Not to mention LAPD and SWAT are usually in the facilities 24/7. Hence the reason they are protesting in the first place. They have ran out of entitlements and are back to demand more. The union scum has no problem doing this because it gives them more money and more power. Its like giving a junkie drugs only instead of appealing to addiction, this system appeals to the lazy and complacent.
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StoneWolf reply on December 8th, 2009 12:13 pm:
Minty, most people wouldn’t know security if you beat them to death with it. A short time ago a large showy fence was installed around our facility. I remakred that it was a nice polite barrier but not a real barrier. When asked what a real barrier would be, I suggested a 4 foot thick 10 foot tall reinforced concrete wall. Only the former Marine I work with understood what the hell I was talking about. I then demonstrated the difference by climbing the fence during lunch outside my boss’ window. She was not amused.
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Willy reply on December 8th, 2009 9:07 pm:
This is a bit offtopic, but it reminds me of an amusing fence around a golf course near where I live. A chain link fence, easy to climb, so they put barbed wire on the top. Barbed wire, although possible to get around, would probably stop most people from climbing a chain link fence, myself included.
However, there are certain areas near near the edge of the fence (well where the fence goes from being beside a sidewalk to being beside property) where, not only did they not bother to put barbed wire on it, but it’s only 4 feet tall instead of 6.
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StoneWolf reply on December 9th, 2009 5:11 am:
Yeah, I’ve seen many “Secure Fences” a five year old could penetrate. There’s another one at on of our airfields that has nice big holes in it so the deer can get out.
My general pricipal is, if it can keep out an angry mob, its probably secure. If it can keep out an angry mob with tools (bolt cutters, jackhammers, RPGs, explosives), its pretty secure.