Composite Military List

August 9th, 2009 by skippy

(Submitted By Jordan Thompson)

Never build a pagan shrine out of rocks on top of a cratering charge. Even if it is Sunday.
When detonating 1000lbs of explosives do NOT stand out side the bunker to “get a better picture” especially when someone just made a shrine out of shrapnel.
Don’t try to eviscerate yourself with the army sewing kit scissors. It won’t work. You can give yourself little red welts across your stomach and have a whole barracks laughing themselves stupid while trying to restrain you.
Don’t ask NG’s what they do when they aren’t soldiers. You may get yourself into an enlightening conversation about “Medieval battle reenactments.”
Dropping an FM on the desk to see who will hit the dirt is not a good idea, especially when it works.
Discovering a secret cable television and sneaking off to watch football with your squad does not count as “Team building”

Leaving through the back gate at Fort Leonard Wood may result in “Violent sodomy and evisceration by the inbred rednecks who call the Ozarks home.”
It is not appropriate to sing “One of these things is not like the other” to officers who have their name tag and “Army” tag in opposite positions.

(Submitted By Eli Donker)

I will not conduct a counter-complacency program on the fire base, using trip flares, mercury switches or flash bangs.
Or toilet seats.

(Submitted by Lance Corporal Niki Wood)

Quoting Monty Python’s “holy hand grenade” speech whilst someone is trying to throw one is not funny.
“You weren’t THERE man” is not an excuse to not train the rowdy recruits.
“I was dead at the time” is NOT a legitimate excuse for missing PT.
I am not allowed to re-arrange the Harbor Area glow sticks to “communicate with our alien overlords”.
Telling the new recruits that the blanks are actually real bullets is not funny.
I am NOT allowed to turn my Basha into a fort using the ration packs.
Pretending to be blind is not a way to get off sentry duty.
“Talks too much” is not a valid answer for the “any other illness” box.

(Submitted by Karl Fancis)

I will not pour the contents of glow sticks onto the backs of people in my clearing patrol.
Nor will I drink the contents of the aforementioned glow stick.
will not dare the MP’s to pepper spray me.
I will not share my ideas of a base eject round that ejects “spider robots” over enemy combatants.
Nor will I continue the conversation by explaining how the “Spider robots” use their talons to “Face rape” the said victims.
There is no magazine on an L-119 and I should not convince the public that there is when doing recruiting stands, 21 gun salutes or on open days.
The Australian Army Reserve has no time for my ideas on annexing Victoria or Queensland.
I will not use the word “over” at the drive-thru.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, August 9th, 2009 at 8:27 pm and is filed under New List. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

Ernesto Says:
August 9th, 2009 at 8:44 pm

as usual to dam funny

pfc4life Says:
August 9th, 2009 at 8:58 pm

i some how knew the first one was from a combat engineer. and i had the exact same feeling going in and out of ft lost in the woods lol

Sweet Sister Morphine Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 12:42 am

# Quoting Monty Python’s “holy hand grenade” speech whilst someone is trying to throw one is not funny.
# Telling the new recruits that the blanks are actually real bullets is not funny.

Is too.

# “I was dead at the time” is NOT a legitimate excuse for missing PT.

Even if it’s true? That’s harsh.

Never build a pagan shrine out of rocks on top of a cratering charge. Even if it is Sunday.

I want to do this now.

Which is one of the many, very good reasons why the ADF employ psychological testing to keep people like me out of the defence forces.

ltc_insane reply on August 10th, 2009 6:05 am:

lol i probably wouldn’t get pass that as well, mind you considering how lazy i am i wouldn’t of passed the physical testing either.

CCO reply on August 10th, 2009 7:21 am:

Oh, they can cure laziness, don’t worry about that! (I’m asserting that mine was cured picking butter beans at home long before Fort Jackson!)

Billy reply on August 10th, 2009 10:44 am:

The Psych tests they have must be a joke as I got into AF intel. It took them a while to realize that I was one of those things that didn’t belong… near anything that could be used as a weapon… or had the potential to imitate Montey Python (I got bored, got a hacksaw and a coconut, the rest is history.)

Sweet Sister Morphine reply on August 10th, 2009 8:31 pm:

I’m tempted to now, just to see if they’ll take me.

And Monty Python Tourettes is a terrible curse.

Sweet Sister Morphine reply on August 10th, 2009 8:33 pm:

Please insert the word “apply” between “tempted” and “too”.

[headdesk]

Lokim8 Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 2:00 am

Hey, im currently appling for the Australian Army Reserve. Any pointers on assesment day, particularly with regards to combat engineers would be great.

Cheers!

CCO reply on August 10th, 2009 7:43 am:

Go Diggers!

M578Jockey Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 6:09 am

How do you use toilet seats in a counter complacency campaign. Enquiring minds want to know. Sounds like a shitty idea….

SPC Hyle reply on August 10th, 2009 8:09 am:

Booby traps. Easy to trip in them, if you aren’t cautious or fail to notice them.

Dave in NC reply on August 10th, 2009 10:20 am:

If they’re black – use shoe polish
If they’re white – Icy-Hot

SPC Hyle reply on August 10th, 2009 11:49 am:

That’s another way to do it. I’d just steal a few, for starters. Then I’d conceal them in a manner that one could trip in one.

Double whammy. First of all, someone will fall in when they attempt to sit down. Then they’ll trip on it on the way out. Whee.

M578Jockey reply on August 11th, 2009 6:08 am:

This is why Skippy is the best. Where else could you find out how to use a toilet seat as a booby trap?

CaPTCHA: F-105 counted…didn’t know the Air Force educated their old planes.

CCO reply on August 12th, 2009 9:55 am:

There’s also the classic “while you were gone on your honeymoon” trick of putting plastic wrap over the bowl.

Not related to toilets, you can use mousetraps to make the careless less so. Use a piece of string to cover more area. The noise is startling. Your supply sergeant probably has one or two traps next to the barbers kit or carpenters tool box or whatever.

eli donker reply on September 3rd, 2009 9:12 am:

Secure murcury switch to bottom of toilet seat otr lid with 100mph tape. Hard wire in small battery to shortable wire wrapped around matchhead, or rocket motor ignitor, or whatever else you can think of to work as an ignitor. Attach ignitor to modified artillery simulator (no, I am NOT going to tell you how, I don’t wanna be responsible.) conceal all components by putting them in a plastic bag, tying it off, and putting either in the holding tank, or taping to the underside of the urinal fixture. Walk away, maintaining good overwatch position with pre-sized CG1B.
Caution- the spilling of Blue Water constitutes a serious environmental risk and the air force hazmat will be PISSED when you rupture the tank.
Also, for added humor- tape a pair of earplugs to inside of toilet door at “eye level” with a note that says “here, you’ll need these…” When the ignitor makes the sim start screaming, the target will understand…
Works best on “command toilets..

ltc_insane Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 6:10 am

“The Australian Army Reserve has no time for my ideas on annexing Victoria or Queensland.”

i think they should get rid of the state governments and start fresh with a new state government system which isn’t still partially stuck in colonial ways.

Sweet Sister Morphine reply on August 10th, 2009 4:44 pm:

Booya!

SSG Hay Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 6:16 am

[i]Don’t ask NG’s what they do when they aren’t soldiers. You may get yourself into an enlightening conversation about “Medieval battle reenactments.” [/i]

I represent that remark! Of course, I usually just call it “beating people with sticks”. And I always worry the instructors when we do anything with riot batons.

Minty reply on August 10th, 2009 10:55 am:

Just to double-check: NG = National Guard?

SSG Hay reply on August 10th, 2009 11:23 am:

In my case, yes, NG = National Guard.

And “medieval battle reenactments” means Society for Creative Anachronism (http://www.sca.org/).

Minty reply on August 10th, 2009 1:18 pm:

Ah, the SCA, where somehow goth fairy cat-girls are considered historically accurate.

AFP reply on August 10th, 2009 1:19 pm:

IOW: “Beating People With Sticks” :-D

Kurt reply on August 11th, 2009 7:02 pm:

I have yet to see a single goth fairy cat girl at any SCA events. Ren fair maybe, but those aren’t SCA run. SSG Hay, What kingdom if I may ask? Meridies here.

AFP reply on August 11th, 2009 8:35 pm:

Yeah, I have to say the catgirls don’t seem to turn up at SCA stuff, though I do recall a cowboy showing up to an SCA event once (he had a valid point: In 2006, 1870 is quite anachronistic).

But Renfaire? Yeah, anything goes at Renfaire, including Storm Troopers.

SSG Hay reply on August 12th, 2009 7:11 am:

Huh, it won’t let me reply to the third message in the hierarchy, so I’ll reply to my own.

Minty – Unfortunately, in the beginnings of the SCA (’60s/’70s/’80s) there was a lot of DnD/Vampire/goth/punk/fetishists running around that weren’t remotely interested in medieval recreation. Admittedly, not a lot of us now are “period nazis” and utterly period accurate, but at least we don’t put on Spock ears and claim we’re elves. There are still a few fringers, but if you’re at an actual SCA event (and not just at a RenFaire/Fest where the SCA is performing demos at) you see more people in semi-accurate period tunics and trews.

Kurt – Calontir here. Would love to make it down to Gulf Wars next March, but realistically it’ll be 2011 before we can make it back down that way. Gulf is easily our favorite foreign war.

Jim A Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 6:49 am

It is not appropriate to sing “One of these things is not like the other” to officers who have their name tag and “Army” tag in opposite positions.

Well, technicaly there have to be three of ’em, since the next line is “Two of these things are kind of the same.”

lukazaz reply on August 10th, 2009 8:51 am:

man you are such a party pooper :P

nice list made my life a little better :D

captca;
rescue Hussein’s…. WTF!!!

Maven reply on August 10th, 2009 9:16 am:

Nah, just skip to, “One of these things just doesn’t belong. Can you guess which thing is not like the other, before I finish this song?”

Kat Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 7:42 am

Really? My DS used to sing that song CONSTANTLY! He was also a big fan of “Private No-Name” who happened to turn out that morning with no name tape. I still think the damn things just need to be sewn on, makes washing them that much easier.
Also I noticed that building a pagan shrine anywhere near military joes gets you looked at funny. Apparently Christians are not as tolerant as they think they are.

SPC Hyle reply on August 10th, 2009 8:10 am:

Oh, ACUs. How much more interesting have you made Drill Sergeants’ lives, we can never tell.

Compu-scout reply on August 10th, 2009 1:37 pm:

For that matter, most of the rotorheads in my last unit before I retired never got them put on right either. This included the Colonel.

Kitty Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 9:59 am

Must get bloke to write his list of how to nick everything that is needed by the Regiment from the American and Canadian Army :D

CCO reply on August 11th, 2009 8:46 am:

You laugh! Someone “liberated” my passenger side windshield wiper in the motor pool. (The armorer said it was his old platoon; he was probably right.) NB: The driver’s side wiper being missing would have deadlined the vehicle. Since the pneumatic wipers had individual controls, I didn’t get my windshield scratched.

AFP Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:05 am

Hah, when I was at Shepphard, I had a couple gullible guys convinced that the Corporal stripes for the ACUs were “Subdued A1C Stripes for the APECS jacket”

Because, you know, the star would draw attention. *cough*

Captcha: Plans Dustrial – Sounds like a company that designs factories.

CPL Ted Bronson reply on August 11th, 2009 1:48 am:

That sir, is fantastic. These were probably the same guys I saw saluting the CC’s car in the BX parking lot while I was at Sheppard. (Incidentally, the CC was inside the BX. For about 2 hours. But to the Airmans’ credit, they stuck it out. “If you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.”)

AFP reply on August 11th, 2009 8:43 am:

Well, one of these airman might have been the one who claimed that the only NCOs who could tell her what to do/correct flagrant violations of rules in the schoolhouse are the ones with both a speciality badge and an AETC instructor badge.

Captcha: Ralph artiste: Some people vomit. Some people are *snooty* about it.

kat Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 3:27 pm

Also
“I will not use the word “over” at the drive-through”
My husband does this at the drive-through, on the phone (along with the ubiqitous “out”) and, inexplicably sometimes when he’s shouting something to me from outside the house.
Captcha: unpick 10 – I want to be part of that group

Minty reply on August 10th, 2009 4:23 pm:

I’m guessing it’s more of a habit than a joke, eh?

kat reply on August 10th, 2009 8:52 pm:

sometimes I do seriously wonder if he does it just because he knows it makes me grind my teeth.

Minty reply on August 10th, 2009 9:38 pm:

In that case, I’d say it’s definitely on purpose. My stepfather has a couple ways he drives my mother nuts in a similar fashion.

Cmdr. Crashlander Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Rodger that.

Captcha: Bertha sanction – Bertha don’t you come round here
any more. -Thanks Jerry.

Can't use my normal nick Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 6:52 pm

I know many people who read this and can easily identify me from my normal nick. Especially since most of these were known to EVERYONE in our company, some to the entire battalion. IN the spirit of skippys list I did not do all of these, but I did witness each and every one of them.

1) I will not get into a cat fight with another female NCO in front of the entire company because I thought the SSG really meant it when he said he loved me.

2) I will not attempt to just walk past the SSG, known for anger management issues, after being told to “sit down or be restrained” after having gotten into a cat fight in front of the entire company.

3) I will not answer the door naked after the above SSG has told me not to (especially when I’m a FAT nasty chick). He, has a really sick sense of humor, no shame, and will cry on cue in front of the Brigade EO to teach the females that sexual harassment charges SUCK!

4) I will not try and run through the mortar attack. Even though I made it such demonstrations encourage bad behavior. And the wife does not find them funny when my buddies share the tale after a few beers.

5) I will not drive the gator around the FOB, in reverse, at night.

6) When stopped by base security I will not try and convince them driving backwards confuses the terrorists as to where our stuff really is.

7) When called to answer to the Battalion CSM for driving backwards around the FOB at night in a gator I will not try and use it as proof the reflective belt makes us more visible to the enemy since I didn’t have any lights on and base security still found me.

8) I will not tell anyone why I got that extra duty, I mean corrective training, unless it is the seventh entry on a comment post to skippy. Soldiers running through mortar atacks only hurt themselves, in gators they might hit an innocent bystander.

9) The best way to do a health and welfare inspection is with two SSGs behind the chus to see who climbs out the windows.

10) The worst people to pick to go behind the CHUs are the two SSGs who have been eying each other since we set foot on the plane.

11) The funniest people to catch in the wrong CHU at night are the two SSGs who have been eying each other since they got on the plane. One invariable will try and get out the window in the back.

Minty reply on August 10th, 2009 7:37 pm:

You seem to have some very interesting Staff Sergeants.

Can't use my normal nick reply on August 11th, 2009 11:50 am:

Actually it was normally the SGTs who were the most interesting. The love triangle was probably the funniest series of events as we could watch one of the SGTs slowly losing her grip on reality.

“But he loves me”

At the end of the deployment she broke into his chu and tore everything on his side down and destroyed it. Punched the muzzel of her weapon through his laptop screen, flipped a TV over, just went to town on his stuff. Base security heard about it from the unit next to us (they were wondering what the hell was gonig on).They threatend to have all three of them confined and held over for court martial if they had to come out for anyhting else.

Minty reply on August 11th, 2009 12:00 pm:

And that’s why I don’t shit where I eat. Drama is fun, but once it escalates to property damage, it’s time to reign it in.

BadExample Says:
August 11th, 2009 at 10:54 pm

must not send one’s little brother who’s currently at bootcamp on Parris Island an envelope/letter laced with glitter

AFP reply on August 12th, 2009 9:01 am:

Had a friend going through Army Basic. So of course I wrote her letters using the Air Force stationary they sell at the Lackland minimalls.

eli donker reply on September 3rd, 2009 9:18 am:

especially addressed as (to Johnny “I can smoke a tac/drill/whatever” Smith)

Stitch Says:
August 16th, 2009 at 12:38 am

“I will not use the word “over” at the drive-thru.”
So true! When I answer my mobile I have to stop myself from starting with “send it.”

sparkey17 Says:
August 17th, 2009 at 11:39 am

midieval battle re-enactment discussions would really be the least of my worries.