Zombie story part 3
And now, nurse for the next part of the zombie story
“Sir! We can’t hold much longer, apoplectic we are running low on ammunition and those…things just keep coming!” shouted out the soldier to his superior. They had been fighting the zombies for close to a half an hour, having two rows shoot in a pattern, as to allow a near constant rate of fire by allowing one row to reload as the other shot. At first it had been like shooting fish in a barrel, the zombies fell quickly as they charged across the field. But after a half an hour of constant shooting, the ammunition supplies had begun to dwindle; it had been brought along originally for a battle against American colonists. Also, the zombies were slowly gaining ground. They had already invaded several towns, and because of the surprise attacks, the towns quickly fell. This in turn had caused their ranks to swell to the point where they might as well have been an army themselves. It was then that the Major who had been instructing his men heard a sound from behind. As he turned, a zombie tore his throat out with its teeth.. It was then that several other zombies overran the British unit and as they turned to face the new threat, the one they had suppressing reached them and began to feed.
When Jennifer stopped hearing the sounds of the undead above, she set out to investigate, despite her mother’s protests. When she got outside, musket in hand, all she heard was silence. There wasn’t even the sound of the bird in the trees, and not eve the sounds of the undead groaning. It was then that she decided to check the other houses for signs of life. The first few houses had nothing, and the trapdoors inside had been smashed. Then, as she was starting to worry that nobody else had lived, she saw a house with the trapdoor intact, and she ran over to open it. The woman inside screamed, thinking that they had finally come for her. “Shh, shh, it’s all right now, they have moved on, but we need to do something about this.” said Jennifer. The woman and her husband inside then began to cautiously make their way out of the basement they had been hiding in. “Ok, we need to find out if there were any other survivors, so we need to spread out and check each house, and bring a weapon, I’m not convinced that all of these things are gone.” Jennifer told the couple, who just listened, speechless at the fact that there was blood everywhere in the town, but not a body to be seen.
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June 3rd, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Man this just keeps getting better and better.
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June 4th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Once again, you have a tendancy to repeat yourself. I counted “It was then that…” three times. Two of them were within 3 sentances of each other, when you were talking about the Major getting his throat ripped out. I would advise dropping as many of the thens as you think you can. I think the best advice I can give you is to find an avid reader and have him/her look it over before posting it.
Out of curiosity, are you actually trying to get this published, or is it just for Skippyslist?
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Billy reply on June 4th, 2009 10:15 am:
Actually, this story is just for Skippyslist, I have another, much better written one, that I have been trying to get published. This one, I have just been writing each part the day the previous part is put up, so after this went up, I started part 4, what I really am doing is trying to learn, from the constructive critisism, how to write better. With this story, I only spend about an hour on each part. I have not had any formal training on writing, so this is my best way right now to verify myself in my ability to write and how to improve. So, I thank you for your suggestions, I am trying to improve.
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Captain Scurvy reply on June 6th, 2009 6:56 am:
I do a bit of fiction once in a while. Probably the best thing you can do as a writer is read a lot. It gives you a great idea on how sentance flow and syntax should work.
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Billy reply on June 6th, 2009 11:40 am:
I actually do a lot of reading, not lately, but, as I mentioned elsewhere, I am not the best with stuff in history. While I will continue this, when I finish, I might end up sending in something else that is a bit more in my writing comfort zone.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:09 am
MOAR NEED MOAR!!!!!
Skippy you have hooked me on this zombie story… please give me moar it like a drug and i needz MOAR!!!
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Billy reply on June 5th, 2009 9:10 am:
Don’t worry, I already sent in part 4, it should show up sometime after monday.
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GraveOne reply on June 5th, 2009 12:03 pm:
Thanks :D
captcha; Industries glazier???? does it come in chocale glaze also??
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June 5th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Besides the repetition that’s already been mentioned, I’d keep an eye out for anachronisms; “okay” is modern slang – it wouldn’t have been used during the Civil War era. I don’t think it came into even uncommon use until around WWI or WWII.
It might not seem like a major thing, but it is rather jarring.
Additionally, I’d suggest breaking the story up into smaller paragraphs; it’s verging on wall-o’-text, the way you have it right now.
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June 10th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Why you gotta go and eat the Major? We may be field grade and a bit overweight, but we are still have something to offer. Who you going to trust to lead them now? A Captain? Please! I fart in his general direction!!
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July 7th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Hmm… This is back in the day, when people still remembered how to fight with blades. One decently armored man with two daggers can stab an ungodly number of zombies through the eye before he gets tired.
This is assuming zombies are no stronger than regular people and completely brainless.
Come to think of it, if they’re completely brainless, one barricaded man with a spear / ax can kill an ungodly number even without armor.
Not to mention throwing them off high places and other methods that require preparation.
Best wishes,
Daniel.
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Billy reply on July 7th, 2009 2:55 pm:
Well, I have this finished on my blog, and a new thought that escapes most people is pointed out. I have to say though, swords wern’t actually used by anybody other than military generals ect. These were colonists after all…
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Gopblin reply on July 7th, 2009 11:23 pm:
Cavalry was armed with swords; infantry with bayonets and often daggers; and battles were often decided by charges and hand-to-hand combat.
Seriously though, humans will easily win against any sort of brainless creature. Pacific Islanders used to hunt sharks with just a knife. Zombies are a thousand times easier to kill than a shark in its element.
Best wishes,
Daniel.
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