What would you do with a clone?

March 30th, 2009 by LT Ronald

Now that Michiel has started my head a rolling with the thoughts of cloning I just can’t help but come up with some good cloning humor.

What would I do if I ever encountered my clone?

My first thought would be “Is this the ‘evil’ one?” Then I would think: “Shit, I hope I’m the evil one and can kill him before he comes to the same conclusion.” My next thought would be, do I have enough time to up my life insurance?”

Then I started thinking about the other evil things I could do. Instead of killing my clone, ala Hugh Jackman in The Prestige, I would take out a huge insurance policy on someone I don’t like, and have my clone do the killing while I was at someplace that would provide an ironclad alibi. Unless I am the evil one, then I’d have to do the dirty work, stupid pussy clone.

Then my clone and I would go about fulfilling womens’ twins fantasies, though we would both likely fight over who gets which orifice since we would both share the same preferences.

It would be nice to send my clone to work for me while I sat on the couch and drank beer.

I have to wonder if my clone would like me? I love me, so I would hope that my clone would also love me, but what about my parents’ affection, I already share it with my other siblings, and just how much inheritance is there to go around? What about my fiance? Me2K had better back the fuck off! Come to think of it that son of a stem cell better keep his bastard hands off my beer too. Come to think of it, what if he gets some chick knocked up, and they come after me for the child support? I’d definitely flunk the paternity test, and I didn’t even get to bust a nut in her. Yeah, I guess that I’d have to kill the sorry bastard.

That’s not even taking into consideration an Aeon Flux type of situation, where I’m an old man, and I teach my young clone to be the next coming of me, for generation upon generation. I’d probably still off the little bastard; There can be only one!

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This entry was posted on Monday, March 30th, 2009 at 9:16 pm and is filed under LT Ronald. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

ineedhelpbad Says:
March 30th, 2009 at 9:57 pm

But if you kill your clone is it murder or suicide??
I would just keep him sedated in a basement somewhere in case I need a liver or kidney or something.

SKD reply on March 31st, 2009 4:42 am:

Suicide, most definitely. And the upside is that while most states have laws against attempted suicide, few have laws against actually succeeding.

paula Says:
March 31st, 2009 at 5:14 am

As far as your inheritance from your folks: one share to each of your siblings, one share to you and one to your clone: then you off the clone and bingo! you got a double share.

Then you re-clone yourself, and off one of your siblings: one share from dead sibling to each of the surviving siblings, one share to you, one share to the new clone. Off clone, inherit from clone. Repeat till you run out of relatives.

captcha: Federation little — but I thought the Federation was galaxy-wide!

tsukinofaerii Says:
March 31st, 2009 at 5:27 am

Am I the only one who’s answer was immediately “have sex with it”?

Ya’ll make me feel like a perv. *sigh*

LT Ronald reply on March 31st, 2009 5:32 am:

I might consider the double-dutch rudder, but that is as far as I’d go with myself… err my other self.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=double+dutch+rudder

TeratoMarty reply on March 31st, 2009 6:46 am:

That is the most hilariously desperate “notgay!” act since “it’s only gay if the balls touch.” Me, I’d just bang the bejeezus out of my clone. Or vice versa. You know, either way works. The real problem would be after we finished and went to clean up. I’m very fussy about how the towels are folded, et cetera, and I’m sure I’d get on my own nerves in no time.

Strange reply on March 31st, 2009 5:35 am:

Would that be conisdered masturbation or gay?

tsukinofaerii reply on March 31st, 2009 6:33 am:

I think it would be masturbation, but that’s only if you take the “killing your clone is suicide” approach. Ah, well. I’m bisexual anyways, so either way I win. :)

Anna reply on March 31st, 2009 10:32 am:

umm, anyone else seeing this more as incest than anything else? Technically a twin is a clone so it would be like having sex with your twin brother/sister, so sex with your sibling, well if you say so.

Catbunny reply on April 2nd, 2009 10:53 pm:

As a friend of mine would say:
twincest is bad.

(OK, so she says it when her two orange cats, Fred and George, fall asleep in compromising positions.)

paula reply on March 31st, 2009 7:41 am:

think of the porn movie possibilities: “Now with clone-on-clone action!”

Christopher reply on March 31st, 2009 9:17 am:

I kind of thought the same thing…then moved on to telling Skippy to go eff himself….

Maj Mac reply on April 1st, 2009 6:28 pm:

If your clone gives you a hand job, is it masturbation?

SpaZzy reply on April 3rd, 2009 2:33 pm:

Incest. Fun for the Whole Family!

Oh those saturday nights after work. You silly nights you.

-SpaZzy-

Minty Says:
March 31st, 2009 at 8:58 am

“I would take out a huge insurance policy on someone I don’t like, and have my clone do the killing while I was at someplace that would provide an ironclad alibi.”

Unfortunately, there was an episode of NCIS with a similar plotline, which means you’re going to have to be extra-super sneaky to get away with it.

Weatherbabe reply on April 4th, 2009 1:42 pm:

Identical twins you goof. But that was a good episode.

Minty reply on April 4th, 2009 3:37 pm:

Which is why I said “similar.” Genetically, clones and identical twins are pretty much the same thing; they just come into the world differently.

And yes, that was a good episode.

Weatherbabe reply on April 4th, 2009 4:19 pm:

Sorry just realized that was suppose to be a reply to ArchaicDome…I have been up since 0230, mistakes will happen.

ArchaicDome Says:
March 31st, 2009 at 9:37 am

NCIS had clones??? I need to get TV.

Courtney reply on March 31st, 2009 11:36 pm:

You don’t need TV for that, NCIS is on the internet!

Billy Says:
March 31st, 2009 at 10:42 am

You know, I now really wonder about killing your own clone for meat. I wonder if that counts as autocannibalism. That would at least help prevent world hunger, a little bit. Besides, I know the world is better off with only one me, two would cause far too many problems.

Stickfodder reply on March 31st, 2009 12:11 pm:

Is it a bad thing that once I read this the first thing I thought of was of combining this with the clone sex. So fucking your clone while eating it.

Billy reply on March 31st, 2009 1:38 pm:

And now, I think to myself, “might as well while it’s still warm. Though I wouldn’t like the sauce very much.”

captcha, walking and.. walking and, walking and, and smoking the reefer!

JP Says:
March 31st, 2009 at 2:33 pm

ya’ll are thinking small time if you are just talking about having ONE clone apiece, I was figuring on half a dozen at least, enough for a rock band, or maybe a sporting team, or a rifle squad….

Phantom reply on March 31st, 2009 5:02 pm:

What about a marching band? Wow. One of me is enough, imagine two hundred of me! Important dates in The Godfather would be national holidays (because of course, I’d take over the country), marching band would be declared an Olympic sport, and nobody would have to get up before nine A.M. I’m liking this world already!

James Says:
March 31st, 2009 at 2:45 pm

If you kill your clone can you collect your own life insurance?

Warbucks Says:
March 31st, 2009 at 10:22 pm

Nobody has heard of this one? Sung to “Home on the Range,” I think it is by Isaac Asimov-

Clone, clone of my own- with it’s Y chromosome changed to X-
When we are alone, just me and my clone,
We will each think of nothing but sex.

Jesse Says:
April 1st, 2009 at 3:56 am

With my luck, my clone would be even more of a foul-mouthed bastard than I am, and I would have to push him off a balcony. Since I’m not good at committing crimes, I’d get caught. Luckily, I couldn’t be convicted of suicide, since “I” was still alive, and couldn’t be convicted of murder because “I” killed “ME”.

So I’d probably end up doing time for…….

making an obscene clone fall.

LT Ronald reply on April 1st, 2009 4:11 am:

That was painful, but good. Still painful though.

TeratoMarty reply on April 1st, 2009 10:54 am:

Well done, well done. You’re not my husband, are you? He’s also a Jesse, and leads me astray with hideous shaggy-dog stories.

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Mrandmrsschizophren Says:
May 10th, 2013 at 11:23 pm

What If you sell your clone on a slave market and then after selling hundreds of yourself get them (or you) to kill the slave traders and become the masters. Then with the money buy a squad of mercenaries to kill you (them) and repeat with a new slave trader. Thus ending slavery and making money. Yes you can consider me a genius but keep your praise to yourself. Or not

David B Says:
March 1st, 2014 at 12:09 am

Mess with people’s heads.
The Harpo “mirror” thing
Actually get some work done.