Radio Procedure List
(Submitted by Stitch)
My job involves using the radio a lot. There are certain do’s and don’ts which I have learned from the big stack of complaints in my personnel file…
1: My callsign is K31, not Motormouth.
2: Nor is it Artemis.
3: Must not refer to colleagues by nicknames on the radio (such as Bossman, Robocop or Dodgyman.)
4: The controller’s callsign is Control, not Sweetheart.
5: Must not genderfuck the controller.
6: Must not describe any official decision as “the height of muppetry.”
7: Must not preface any request with “be a dear and…”
8: I can order the removal of vehicles, but I must not phrase it as “can we get this muppet lifted please?”
9: Not allowed to refer to the public as “punters.”
10: Not allowed to describe anybody as an “eejit.”
11: Not allowed to describe anything as “dodgy.”
12: The phonetic letter for U is Uniform, not Euston.
13: Not allowed to call in bad jobs.
14: The radio is not a vox pop.
15: Nor is it a democracy.
16: There is nobody with the callsign “the gaffer.”
17: Must not call any colleague a “nugget” on air.
18: Must not sing on the radio.
19: I do not own any streets, and it is wrong to assume that I do.
20: Nobody wants to know if I’m hitting Soho after my shift’s done.
21: There’s meant to be a C and an E in “polis.”
22: Control does not gotta be joking.
23: It is unwise to state that I am “off to go skive somewhere.”
24: My workplace does not include the Macky D’s.
25: Not allowed to reference the Macky D’s when giving directions.
26: Officially, I would not rather be in the bar than out here freezing my behind off.
27: Do not make sideways cracks about control being indoors in the warm – he’ll only turn it round on you.
28: Control’s name is not “cockney geezer.”
29: I cannot pick up alien signals on my radio.
30: Not allowed to act uber-camp on the radio.
31: Cannot kid on to the public that I have the power to get them arrested on a whim.
32: If, for once, I am right and control is wrong, then I would be wise to be gracious about it.
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March 2nd, 2009 at 12:09 am
Do I detect a *slight* hint of glaswegian?
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Stitch reply on March 2nd, 2009 12:15 am:
On my mother’s side, although my accent is Midlands. I have 3 more to add to the list:
33: Must not judge graffiti on its artistic merit.
34: Must not use the radio to mess with trainee officers.
35: If Control ever finds out what “korva” means I’m a dead woman!
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SPC Johnson reply on March 2nd, 2009 12:44 am:
Ok, now I wanna know what korva means.
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Daver reply on March 2nd, 2009 1:44 am:
Korv means an unusually larce clitoris, I think korva is a variation…
Stitch reply on March 2nd, 2009 3:21 pm:
It’s Polish and it’s a generic expletive; generally meaning fuck, bitch or cunt. Back when I worked on the bins for a few months we used to shout it at crews on other trucks doing the same rounds.
Jenifer D. reply on March 3rd, 2009 9:31 pm:
Remember, ‘Hot-Mik-ing’ is not not a good practical joke; everybody gets hurt.
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SGT M reply on March 3rd, 2009 12:07 pm:
not allowed
1# not allowed To act like a flamming homosexual on the radio.
2# not allowed to say JUMBO!! on the radio even if the person on the other side is ugandon.
3# not allowed to talk with a british or australion accent on the radio.
4# not allowed to act like you didn’t hear the person on the other end to see how many times until they give in.
5# DO NOT ADD YOUR OWN STATIC!!
6# Not allowed to act like Sling Blade, Rain man or Arney from what’s eating gilbert grape on the radios expecially if QRF is in a bad mood.
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March 2nd, 2009 at 3:52 am
beautiful list. i’ll eventually be changing MOS and hopefully will be able to do some radio broadcasts which will allow me to make a list.
radio hijinks are my facorite
captcha: flesh preceding
uncanny…..
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March 2nd, 2009 at 7:07 am
my favorite/not allowed to things to do on radio
ignore command directives not to kick down doors
lure sog into swearing over an unsecured net
kicking upper enlisted off the net for broadcasting their life story and preventing squads from reporting up while on a raid
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March 2nd, 2009 at 8:09 am
The big one we have to keep saying (SF central radio station): “Stop saying repeat, dammit!”
(For context, Repeat is only used when talking to Artillery, to have them shoot the same pattern they just did, not as likely to cause problems today, but you never know…)
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Speed reply on March 2nd, 2009 9:05 am:
That’s an easy fix if they’re wearing their kevlars and are nearby – hit them on the head with anything up to and including a brick.
I got one from my list – a replay? – when my Captain killed 2 of my radios in 2 days:
Not allowed to call the captain “Radio Killer 6” after he has destroyed two different radio sets.
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steelcobra reply on March 3rd, 2009 11:47 am:
Well, when the calls are coming over SATCOM from tens or hundreds of miles away…
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steelcobra reply on March 3rd, 2009 5:33 pm:
Another one: Stop trying to get a response on SATCOM with jammers on – it’s send-only. All it does is annoy the intended receiver.
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March 2nd, 2009 at 9:48 am
What the fuck is not authorized radio traffic……however “What the FUCK,Over” is perfectly acceptable ….From When I was a radio operator in Korea
Captcha–1/2 neglect…well better than getting arrested for full neglect
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March 2nd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I want to point out that #12 was not me, a colleague said it but it was funny at the time and it just had to go in.
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March 2nd, 2009 at 8:01 pm
You forgot to mention that imitating radio static is highly frowned upon.
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March 2nd, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Haha. I like #4.
CAPTCHA: $2.93 shots Drinks are on me!
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Stitch reply on March 3rd, 2009 12:21 am:
#4 is a laugh for more reasons than just the obvious. I have a very butch voice, so much so that for the first few months the controller was convinced I was a guy. So, of course, me calling him sweetheart used to fuck with him. I love doing that.
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March 4th, 2009 at 12:07 am
36: Must not use the radio to co-ordinate skiving.
37: There is no such thing as an eggy drain.
38: When reporting on obscene graffiti it is to be referred to exclusively as obscene graffiti, not “begins with P and ends with ussy.”
39: May not reply to any instruction by saying “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”
40: If I will insist on considering K59 a “fucking idiot,” must remember to close the channel before remarking on such…
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David B reply on March 23rd, 2014 4:54 pm:
What is “skiving”?
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Ogre reply on April 16th, 2014 2:36 am:
Slacking off, playing hooky, going slow, malingering, or otherwise working really hard to do nothing at all.
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David B reply on April 16th, 2014 6:36 am:
Ah, thanks.