Thanks A Bunch Stephanie Meyer

February 18th, 2009 by skippy

To sum up for those too apathetic to click the link:

There are people who say they are vampires. And they are upset at other people who say they are vampires. Because the other people are faking it.

So basically a bunch of dorks who are playing an elaborate game of “let’s pretend” are mad that another group of dorks are also playing “let’s pretend”, and they are doing it wrong.

And somehow they got a journalist to take them seriously enough to do an interview.

This tells me that there are apparently no more rules governing adult behavior, or dress. From now on, I’m a cowboy. And I will answer only to the name “Cowboy Skippy”.

My wife says that she’s going to be a pirate.

Yippee-ki-yay mother-fuckers.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 18th, 2009 at 10:32 pm and is filed under Soapbox. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

johnny Says:
February 18th, 2009 at 11:13 pm

all i can say is at least we knew where the line between fantasy and reality was. . . not that we paid attention to it but we knew it was there.

Stickfodder Says:
February 18th, 2009 at 11:19 pm

I’m going to be a cattle rustler. Just to give Cowboy Skip something to do. Are we going to be using real bullets or blanks?

David reply on February 19th, 2009 1:52 am:

Skippy shooting blanks? Thats between him and his urologist!

Captcha: harkening 10-inch – needs no esplainin’

SGT M reply on February 20th, 2009 4:28 am:

I am going to be the letter C from now on and no Blood, Crip, or Vampire is going to change that.

Andrew Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 5:05 am

help im doing a quiz ^^ using googles unfair but asking u lot probably isnt so bad
(mostly cos you’ll give me the wrong answer on purpose ;) )
which fruit is US state georgia famous for ?

M578Jockey reply on February 19th, 2009 5:13 am:

Peaches or Quinces

Speed reply on February 19th, 2009 5:59 am:

Peaches! Both the fruit and the women!

As Nicolas Cage said in the Face Off, “I can eat a peach for hours.”

LinLin Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 5:08 am

Lets offer up a challenge!
First group to produce a vampire that can desolidify into mist and resolidify into a person again, with all their body-parts in the right place, get to be the REAL vampires. All others will be required to hand over their fangs and blood-packets.

Or we could chop their heads off – the real vampires will be able to come back to life unless we pour molten iron into their mouths (after the beheading).
((Why yes, I am a myth-history buff, why do you ask?))

Catherine reply on February 19th, 2009 9:40 am:

I vote that we test the following;
Holy water
Sunlight
Silver
garlic

The group that burns/screams in pain/runs away when exposed to these will be regocnized as the true vampires, and will summarily be executed by impaliation, beheading, filling mouth with molted iron, and having witch hazel planted over their graves.

StoneWolf reply on February 19th, 2009 11:21 am:

If it helps I can call up my Grandfather. He was born and raised in Transalvania, Romania, moved to the US to escape the war.

GBlair reply on February 19th, 2009 10:09 am:

I believe the middle east has quite a few people that can de-solidify themselves. Don’t think they can put all their body parts back in the right place though.

IIIIIIIIALALALIALAIILAIALAIAA *KUH*

Great trick Mohammed, bet you can’t do it again!

Stonewolf reply on February 26th, 2009 2:17 pm:

Great, I laughed so hard now my ribs hurt.

David B reply on March 19th, 2014 2:13 pm:

I wonder if they play that joke where the delay the timing.

IIIIIIIALALALALAIILALIIIIIAAA! *click* *click* “what the..” *KUH*

“Did you see Jahmil’s face? It’s gone now, but did you see it?”

laughing-in-class reply on February 19th, 2009 11:18 am:

As long as ‘Sparkley’ vampires don’t count. I HATE that damned book and what the HELL kind of vampire SPARKLES?!

LinLin reply on February 19th, 2009 3:39 pm:

Oh, don’t worry, those ‘vampires’ don’t have all the abilities we’ve suggested testing – if they did, they’d be less perfect and pretty.

On another note: Finally, someone with some sense when it comes to those books! As you might be able to guess, I am… less than impressed when it comes to sparkley vampires.

Catherine reply on February 19th, 2009 9:49 pm:

The really really gay kind. That’s the kind of vampire that sparkles. The kind that would get beat down by the frigging tooth fairy.
God, I fucking hate the twilight series. Can you tell?

Stonewolf Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 5:34 am

From now on I will be the Viking SteinUlf. Bow before the might of Odin or feel my axe!
Seriously, I knew people like this growing up. I think it all started with Larping. Some of these people can be really dumb. I was in the bad part of my local city once and I had one sneak up behind me and say “You’re dead!” I had no idea that he was Larping and he mistook me for on of his compatriots. So as far as I know someone just threatened my life. He almost got stabbed, but then I saw the index card in his hand hand figured it out.

TheShadowCat reply on February 19th, 2009 5:07 pm:

If you look like this Odin, I’ll do more than bow down for you.

http://windwolf.com/Prints/OdinP.htm

Stonewolf reply on February 19th, 2009 6:23 pm:

Damn it! Pose for one portrait and suddenly its all over the web ;)

TheShadowCat reply on February 19th, 2009 6:31 pm:

LOL! You can also buy prints, the original and/or on a t-shirt or sweat shirt. I’ve got the t-shirt myself.

Catherine reply on February 19th, 2009 9:51 pm:

Woooo! HELLLOOO handsome!

TheShadowCat reply on February 19th, 2009 11:04 pm:

You think he’s nummy, check out these guys:

http://windwolf.com/Prints/NightEagleP.htm
http://windwolf.com/Prints/HerneP.htm

Courtney reply on February 21st, 2009 11:21 am:

That horny dude made me laugh out loud. I really have to stop reading Skippy in public.

And omg this woman has furries (or some semblance thereof) too!
http://windwolf.com/Prints/SummerWineP.htm

And it gets worse as you go. Anthropomorphized wolf-bird people. Werewolf sex. Interspecies romance. Lovely!

Speed Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 6:08 am

I’ve seen those “real-vampires” on the tv before. Most of them live in their mom’s basements and work for places that require a paper hat.

Now if they were able to talk to the “Sampire” from Sluggy Freelance [I know, he’s fictional!] that would be kewl.

captcha: Danish Pitching, is that anything like bagel bowling?

Andrew Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 6:09 am

ok sorry one more question :)

whats the english name for zucchini?

phantomcranefly reply on February 19th, 2009 2:56 pm:

Aubergine.

And to stay on topic, long time reader, first time commenter, love the site. (I found it through a version someone made for the Harry Potter universe.)

Dave in NC reply on February 19th, 2009 3:24 pm:

on-topic? What’s that?

Squid Vicious reply on February 19th, 2009 4:52 pm:

Actually, it’s courgette.
Aubergine is eggplant.

phantomcranefly reply on February 19th, 2009 5:52 pm:

Oh, sorry. The dictionary is my friend, I should not ignore it… :)

Minty reply on February 21st, 2009 6:25 pm:

Wait–what? Skippy’s List a la Harry Potter? Oh, god…is nothing sacred?

Tim Covington Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 6:34 am

1. If you burn down all the Hot Topics, it will remove the source of the wanna-be vampires.
2. I’m now Cyborg Tim. Hand me my 40 megawatt phased plasma rifle.

Captcha: Bennit Sterilized – It was for the good of the gene pool.

Catherine reply on February 19th, 2009 9:43 am:

I will now be referred to as Catherine, Knight of the round table. For Camelot!

Dave in NC reply on February 19th, 2009 3:53 pm:

We’re Knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene’er we’re able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot.
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
[dancing]

On second thought, let’s not got to Camelot. ‘Tis a silly place.

Sequoia reply on February 19th, 2009 9:14 pm:

It does this tree’s heart good to hear(read) the ancient hymn.

Catherine reply on February 19th, 2009 9:54 pm:

BEWARE THE BUNNY!
(it has big pointy teeth)

Minty reply on February 21st, 2009 6:27 pm:

Camelot!

Sean Beattie Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 8:12 am

Anytime I think of “real” vampires, I think of that old SNL sketch “Goth Chat” with Molly Shannon and Chris Kattan. So sad, so pathetic, what with their “Let’s all be different! Together!” mantra. Not leaving the house, wearing black and *trying* to speak in outmoded English vocabulary does not make someone a vampire. It makes them emo with pieces of flair.

Al Li reply on February 19th, 2009 9:54 am:

Emo with pieces of flair? That’s brilliant. I’ve got to remember that if I ever run into these people.

captcha:Gracie 3,000 — just, wow; that many huh

bindoverbindo reply on February 20th, 2009 2:10 pm:

This is the emo flair, isolate it in a corner!

TheShadowCat Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 9:29 am

Does that mean we get to brand Cowboy Skippy? I’ll get the fire ready. ;-p

bindoverbindo Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 10:22 am

Skippy, I believe you have focused on one tiny part of the reason people do not like Twilight. My main qualm with Meyer isn’t her take on vampires, it’s her take on what a healthy relationship is, her lack of good character creation, and generally being a massive mary-sue. I’m not angry at her success, I’m angry that it’s turned women everywhere ga-ga over an imaginary sparkling vampire…who keeps stating that she’s in danger when she’s around him, frequently endangers her life, beats her, breaks into her house to watch her sleep at night, and is an all-around full-time stalker when they break up for a brief period due to one of those times he puts her life in danger. It was required reading in a class for how NOT to make a novel. Again: most peoples’ qualms with this book have very little to do with its perception of what is acceptable vampire material (How a sparkling vampire requires any more suspension of disbelief than a vampire that burns with contact is beyond me.) it’s the perception of what is acceptable in a relationship.

Still, what you wrote IS pretty funny.

Catherine reply on February 19th, 2009 9:59 pm:

WOW! Edward is a possive, controlling, clingy freak who vandilizes my property and forbids me from socializing with my freinds! But hey, OMG HE’s SOO HAWT!!!
Y’know, if I woke up to find a guy had been hovering over my bed all night watching me breath, i’d probibally hit him with my lamp and then call the cops. And if he ripped part of my truck’s engine out so that I couldn’t leave the house, I’d see how well that sparkly skin stood up to a 12-gauge.
Creep.

Courtney reply on February 20th, 2009 1:49 am:

OH MY GOD
I finally found someone who vocalized the creepy feelings I got while reading that damn book. I got more “creepy controlling boyfreind” vibes then “uberhot (cold) vampire” vibes.

Richard reply on February 20th, 2009 7:47 am:

Oh but he wanted to keep her safe from all of the danger, so that makes all of the ridiculous crap that he did exceptable! Didn’t ya know. Well, that’s according to my Twilight fan-girl cousin.

Minty reply on February 21st, 2009 6:39 pm:

Never bothered to read the book or see the movie. The trailer seemed to sum it up well enough for me:

“Sixteen year old girl moves to middle of nowhere, bitches about being in middle of nowhere. Meets cute boy, who likes her back. Find out cute boy is vampire, but it’s okay, because boy is a good vampire who doesn’t drink the blood of humans. Cue entrance for cute vampire boy who is bad because he drinks human blood. And screws with girl just because he can, because he’s bad. Cue fight scene between good and bad cute vampire boys.”

Pretty much sounds like every romance novel I’ve read under the sheets with a flashlight and the lights turned off, plus a little exsanguination. Am I wrong?

And as for those “real” vampires bitching about the wannabes shopping at Hot Topic? Well, all I have to say about that is damn, they stole a punchline from my clever satire about vampires! Bastards!

bindoverbindo reply on June 15th, 2010 6:41 pm:

Whoops, my bad. “contact with sunlight” I should have said.

Ozman Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 11:15 am

If this is true I’m just gonna rally a pirate crew and haggle the canadians

Sicarius Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Dear vampires, both sparkly and otherwise, I have a short poem by a well known artificial life form that I believe sums up my opinion:

Now the world has gone to bed
Darkness won’t engulf my head
I can see by infra-red
How I hate the night

Now I lay me down to sleep
Try to count electric sheep
Sweet dream wishes you can keep
How I hate the night

Apologies to DA’s estate.

Captcha: Market Litter. Sums up Twilight pretty well.

Billy reply on February 19th, 2009 2:12 pm:

Hooray for Marvin the Paranoid Android! I still kinda perfer Sweeney Todd though,

We all deserve to die, even you Mrs.Lovett, even I
for the lives of the wicked should be made brief, for the rest of us death will be a relife!

As for the vampire thing, all I have to say is, what the hell is wrong with people? No matter what, you arn’t a vampire, you are a wannabe parasite, not a predetory goth monster. At least 30 days of night could tell the difference.

By the way, my new title is William the Wendigo, destroyer of all!!!

Cat Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 1:58 pm

My number 1 objection to “Twilight” is that people will not shut up about it. Seriously! Have you *seen* all the stupid Flair on Facebook? I will be so happy when these idiots find the next thing to go nuts over.

My number 2 objection. What the hell kind of vampire drives a *Volvo* for God’s sake!?!

Courtney reply on February 20th, 2009 1:47 am:

Mormon Vampires? I dunno.

Minty reply on February 21st, 2009 6:41 pm:

The same ones that shop at Pottery Barn–Yuppie Vampires.

Dave in NC Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[url=http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://tehresistance.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/butters_vamp.jpg&imgrefurl=http://tehresistance.wordpress.com/2009/01/13/277/&usg=__vrs99A5VO13i3yQOcTG6Mfv00R0=&h=360&w=480&sz=18&hl=en&start=7&um=1&tbnid=lAHmHSQNcYAmkM:&tbnh=97&tbnw=129&prev=/images%3Fq%3DButters%2BVampire%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Dactive%26sa%3DN]Does anyone else think of butters at a time like this?[/url]

And apologies if my attempt at a link fails

Dave in NC reply on February 19th, 2009 3:59 pm:

Yep
*fail*

TheShadowCat reply on February 19th, 2009 5:50 pm:

Is this what you were trying for?

http://tehresistance.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/butters_vamp.jpg

ExRedScarf83 Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 6:38 pm

And if we wanna get REALLY technical, the blood sucking mythos is ALL wrong because it was something that Bram Stoker came up with whenever he wrote Dracula. Vampires from their beginning in Egypt or whatever drew energy and not blood.

Raven Prometheus reply on February 19th, 2009 7:16 pm:

What about the ones that lived and fed off of the edges of dung heaps? How do we get idolized romantics out of excrement eating parasites?

ExRedScarf83 reply on February 19th, 2009 7:22 pm:

*snort* LOL Win!

Catherine reply on February 19th, 2009 10:01 pm:

Large quantities of illegal substances?

Minty reply on February 21st, 2009 6:42 pm:

Hey, quit encouraging the “energy vampires!” We really don’t need to hear any more from them.

ExRedScarf83 reply on February 21st, 2009 8:55 pm:

Bwahahahahaha!!! Ah, God I love this site.

Nate the Great Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 8:20 pm

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/473402

I rest my case.

Sequoia Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 9:17 pm

If thosel people are vampires, I’m NOT a ManSquatchTree…

Sequoia reply on February 19th, 2009 9:18 pm:

those*

Courtney Says:
February 20th, 2009 at 1:53 am

Okay everyone. Skippy too. Go to youtube, watch “Twilight High School Musical”.

Captain McCheese Says:
February 20th, 2009 at 5:12 pm

I like the Twilight series but if thosepeople believe there vampires I’m the Captain Mara McCheese of the Flying Sheep

Billy reply on February 21st, 2009 10:51 pm:

Are you by any chance related to mayor mccheese? I hear he only takes cheese checks.

Captcha: miners oven, it never runs out of coal!

LinLin Says:
February 20th, 2009 at 11:54 pm

Not exactly, it completely depends on which version of ‘vampires’ you like. There WERE blood-drinking ones. Or at least _A_ blood-drinking one. Greece’s Lamia is regarded to be a perfectly acceptable vampire legend.
Which means that vampires only drink the blood of newborn babies, and must be able to remove and replace your eyeballs at will with no side-effects.

Minty reply on February 21st, 2009 6:46 pm:

Ooh, can I be the type of vampire that infects the living with TB?

Good book, by the way.

Roxanne Says:
February 21st, 2009 at 7:59 am

If they get to be Vampires I want to be Sailor Moon damn it. I don’t like blood and she’s all…sparkly in a good way.

Kieran Says:
February 21st, 2009 at 8:28 pm

lol well if they are Vampires then i’m a Paladin…….. and i’ll have to kill them all because they are unholy undead abominations :P

Captain McCheese Says:
February 22nd, 2009 at 2:42 pm

I’m British and never heard of Mayor McCheese but Poptarts, gummy worms and pirate stories are never good mixed together

Anna Says:
February 28th, 2009 at 9:56 am

Haggle with us? Well alright, but we drive a pretty hard bargain ;-)