*But Not As Much As Zombies And Internet Porn

Vacation is over, so it’s back to the fun mine for me.

I had a good break, got to play a bunch of video games, build and paint some models, and watched several seasons of Babylon 5. I also received a small pile of movies that involve dead things eating people, gratuitous use of automatic weapons, and/or power tools used in an irresponsible manner. It’s been a good few weeks.

One of the things I did was round up the loose list items. See every once in a while somebody will send me just a one or to items for the Friends of Skippy list. Which is not enough for me to make an entire post out of it. And so as I look at the several emails that have been sent to me, I am forced to make a choice. I can either dig through my email, and turn a bunch of the individual items into one big list. Or I can just use one of the larger lists and spend the extra time killing video game zombies and looking at internet porn.

And I have to say that I really love killing zombies and internet porn.

And so after having this site active for a year and a half or so I had a very large collection of emails with just a few items each. And because I love you all*, I have painstakingly gone though this pile, and compiled them into on giant and mighty list. Basically, like Voltron.
(Submitted by Nemo)
• Must not show cat’s brain to a full bird Colonel.

(Submitted by “Bruce Wayne”)
• Jumping out of a C-130 wearing a cape and batman mask is NOT psychological warfare…. but it sure is damn cool to see!

(Submitted by “Michael Stewart”)
•You are not allowed to defecate over the side of a CH-46 on a battalion of Marines while containing a riot.

(Submitted by Evil Navy Wife)
•I am not allowed to tell other spouses that feeding their sailors large quantities of beets will help them get good scores on a piss test. (All it does is induce a condition called beeturia, and my husband and I are the only ones who find humor in half the ship crapping in a bright magenta hue.)

(Submitted by Joakim)
•Apparently the right thing to say when your LT orders you to do something IS NOT: “you’re not my real mum!”

(Submitted by Kristina)
•May not attempt to sell a female medic to the Iraqi local nationals for $5. Even if they offer to throw in a goat.

(Submitted by Diane Bekel)
•I am no longer allowed to fold origami during briefings from the CG.
•When the CG asks what I am doing during said briefings, I am not to stand up and say “Sir, I made a duckie!”

(Submitted by SPC Casper)
•I cannot, in response to orders that we wear our reflective belts after dark on the FOB wear NVG’s and claim that its not dark to me.

•I cannot, in response to orders that we wear our reflective belts after dark on the FOB, stencil “+5 Belt of Invulnerability” on it.

•I cannot, in response to orders that we wear our reflective belts after dark on the FOB, cover it in 100mph tape, 90mph tape, duct tape, electrical tape, or wrap it in plastic, fabric, or paint it with camouflage paint for “tactical purposes”, under any circumstances.

(Submitted by Dan Zelman)
•Do not put pictures of Willem Dafoe in drag in the battery training meeting slides after finding out that your commander hates Boondock Saints.

•Do Not tell brand new 2nd LTs the 1st Cav Division patch stands for “The Horse they never Rode, the River they never crossed and the color of their bellies” right before the Battalion and Division Commanders give them a welcome to the unit briefing.

•If you are a rabid Red Sox fan and the armorer is a rabid Yankees fan, do not taunt him on his team’s playoff collapse the day before you go to the machine gun range.

•Do not send him the 2004 ALCS on DVD for his going away present when he gets orders for Korea either.

•Do not borrow $3,000 from installation MWR for a unit activity then leave the country without paying them back. Even if its a deployment to Iraq.

(Submitted by Cadet Vittles)
•”United-fucking-States of Ameri-fucking-ca” is NOT an appropriate response to the Captain asking where you are from

•”A professor told me to crawl through a wind tunnel” is not a good excuse as to why your dress pants are dirty

•Will not yell “Who likes short shorts? I like short shorts” during PT

•I cannot play with a ceremonial weapon unless I’m qualified to use it

•And even then, I can’t use them for “Mortal Combat”

•Axe-bombing (taping down the button and using the canister as a grenade) is not a good way to make friends

•Riding the fast cadets in PT is cheating

•”Fox-twat” does not refer to the letter “F”

•”I’m only a freshman” does not get you out of doing work

•Yelling “One, two, three, four, I love the Air Force!” while doing body-builders, is nowhere as motivational as is sounds

•The Air Force is not the ghetto, and nobody wants to see my underwear

•Cuts from a practice saber will not get me a purple heart

•Cannot show up to lead lab in swim trunks

•Throwing swords to one another from forty feet away is a terrible idea

•Just because a POC’s name is hard to pronounce, does not mean I can call him whatever I want

•”I have short legs” does not get you out of the running portion of the PFA

•”Hugs, happiness and standardization” are not prescription drugs

•Ten dollar NERF guns are much more powerful that one would think, and should not be aimed at the skylight of a military classroom

(Submitted by Michael Martino)
•Even though Gomer joined after failing out of college, he may not list his previous “occupation” as “stud.”

•Gomer will never again paint the Quonset huts by walking across the top while pouring the paint from five gallon cans.

•Sending a Private to the ship’s supply office for a gallon of “relative bearing grease” is not funny.

•Reprimanding the Private when he returns without it and assigning said private to “mail buoy watch” is a no-no.

•Gomer will *not* “man the rail” while entering port with his penis exposed.

•Even foreign ports.

•After rapid firing a full magazine into the dirt beneath the target, Gomer will not defend his mis-aimed fire as “aimed at the ants, sir!”

•Although Gomer’s first General Order for Sentries is “Take charge of this post and all government property in view,” he is not authorized to open the pallet containing the C-Rations and distribute them to the rest of the team for lunch.

•Even though Gomer’s Drill Instructor spent 14 weeks instructing him in various ways to kill, “Luke the Gook and Link the Chink,” Gomer will *not* address LT. Chan as “LT. Chink, sir!” ever again.

•Gomer is not to swim in the drainage ditches around the barracks, nor arrange “combat swims” for others in such ditches.

•Gomer will *not* refuse to get on the Huey because he “never rode one anyplace he really wanted to go, and this isn’t the time to start.”

(Submitted by Vincent Rose)
•Do not “steal” exchange shopping carts and hide them in your barracks room. Even if they do make lugging laundry easier (note I lived on the second deck….ahem floor)

•Do not throw bowling balls off of the third deck. Even if you have spotters.

•You may not eat in the galley in a monk’s robe because……. the robe is not tucked into your pants (they actually made me leave and tuck in my robe)

•You may not walk and drink from a cup while in uniform.

•Chairs are not for racing, even on mids watch.

•You may not call a higher ranking NCO a “walking EEO violation” to his face. Even if he is one.

•You may not call members of the Army “choads”.

•You may not watch the female Marine’s PT.

•You may not add to any essay you have been told to write: “you probably won’t read this any way”.

•We are producing Sailors, not technically trained college students in uniform.

•”Borrowing” a security golf cart and hiding it is prohibited.

•Having your girlfriend/boyfriend live in your barrack suite is prohibited.

•Civilian supervisors outrank military supervisors.

(Submitted By Brian Ranco)
•Not aloud to go big game hunting at the firing range

•Bird hunting with a S.A.W. is not recommended with civilian personnel around

•Mark 19’s are not the best weapon for deer hunting, it just turns everything to paste.

•240’s can and will turn a bear into Swiss cheese, if you use 1 or 2, 3 to 6 make hamburger bear.

(Submitted by William Doney)
•Not permitted to take over the world when Sgt is on call.

•May not continually ask “Are we there yet?” during PT.

•(Someone else) the words “because I’m the chowrunner, bitch.” is inappropriate to say when a female TI is behind you during basic training.

•I may not wear black socks on my ears and proclaim that I am Goofy.

•May not try to explode a 3-Liter bottle of coke near any government buildings.

•May not use scissors, as I am not to be trusted with them to cut maps.

•Not permitted to shout out the words “Ow, my moral!” during PT.

•Not permitted to march around government buildings holding a broom in place of a rifle.

•(Also someone else) Not permitted to bring anime porn to anime club.

•The psychologist is able to grant me permission to play video games after losing my video game playing privileges. (I am not kidding.)

•Am not permitted to order others to “Turn one side of a billboard into cottage cheese, and another side into cotton candy.”

(Submitted by CPL Tracer USMC)
•Jumping off the roof of a six story building during a monsoon using a poncho liner for a parachute is forbidden.

•If you’re going to take a flying leap off a picnic table, don’t do it in the covered smoking area.

•(And my favorite, because the dumb*** worked in my office) If the duty NCO has the key to the restricted area, and he’s out of the office, WAIT. Don’t break the window to get in.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, January 4th, 2009 at 10:22 pm and is filed under New List. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.