1. “Wow, your pants smell fascinating today.”
– My wife, as her cat dug his claws into me and wedged his nose into my pants leg. It was like he was trying to do a line of catnip off of my calf.
2. “Aw, lookit how cute she is. Isn’t she just adorable? Look at how AAAAAAAAUUUUGH! Get it out of my pants! Get it out of my pants!”
– Me, approximately ten minutes after bringing my first ferret home.
3. “Hey! It’s been years since I forgot to put on pants before I left the house.”
– Again my wife, who once accidentally went out to smoke wearing a trenchcoat and a long shirt, but no pants. (My wife insists that I point out that we don’t smoke any more, because evidently that is the part of that story that could make her look bad.)
4. “Those are rather unfortunate pants.”
-A friend of mine while watching “Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things”. If you watch this movie you will understand.
5. “Okay, I suppose that it makes perfect sense for you to have a pair of Spongebob pants to match your wife’s Spongebob lingerie. Now why does your wife have Spongebob lingerie?”
– My brother-in-law, to me and my wife. We were visiting and discovered that we had forgotten to bring anything to sleep in. Since we were bedding down on an air mattress, in the living room we went to Wal-mart to purchase sleepwear, so that we would not traumatize our niece. We decided to go with a Spongebob theme on the assumption that it would freak our hosts out. Also I was amused to discover the existence of Spongebob lingerie.
6. “Now that you mention it, yes. The talking pickle has been in his pants.”
– On a camping trip I had in my possession an awesome pair of pirate pants, and a talking Larry the Cucumber doll.
I combined them to so that I appeared to have a gargantuan wang, that spouted ham-fisted Christian propaganda when it was smacked. Alcohol may have been involved.
Please note: Creating a situation where funny things happen when people punch you int he junk is probably not the best idea in the world.
7. “Are we going to label the things that have been in his pants?”
“No we are going to label the things that have not been in his pants. It’s faster.”
After the Larry incident my friends were understandably cautious about handling things in the vicinity of my tent. A labeling system was created.
8. “I have to tell you something that might disturb you. Two lesbians have just had sex in your pants.”
If you have a set of awsome pirate pants, be cautious of camping drama majors. They will steal your pants, and then do stuff in them.
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