Random Relationship Advice
A young man recently asked me for some advice regarding women. I decided to jot down what I came up with, in case anyone else needed help.
1) There is a thing called “Thread Count”. It’s printed on the package that sheets come in. Evidently this number is a way women can use to quantify your both your intelligence and sexual orientation. If the number is too low, then you will be assumed to be too stupid to have sex with. But if it too high, you will be assumed to be gay. It’s basically dating blackjack.
2) If you ever wind up cohabitating with a woman, you will probably have opinions about how the place should be decorated. Your opinions are wrong. You should train yourself to stop having them.
3) On that note, everything you own will be thrown away, or at the very least placed into storage. They will be replaced with a wicker basket full of crap. Women are kind of retarded for wicker baskets full of crap.
4) Chocolate is your friend. Chocolate has chemicals in it which simulate the effect of being loved, at least according to Al Pacino in “The Devil’s Advocate”. I’m too lazy to look that up right now, so I’m just going to assume he was being straight with me.
Whatever the case, chocolate is basically an emergency pressure bandage for your relationship. Try to always have some of the good stuff where you can get to it rapidly. I suspect that a woman created Easter, simply because it features chocolate, in a wicker basket.
4) If she’s angry with you for something that seems inconsequential, chances are she is angry about something else. It might be something some other guy from her past did. Even though she’s not going to tell you what it is, she will punish you until you correctly guess and fix it.
5) Buy a DVR. This way when she wants to talk to you when you are watching something, you can pause it. Because she is definitely going to want to talk to you about something while you are watching TV. A lot. And if you don’t stop watching it then she will believe that you love football more than her. And while that might be true, if you admit it you won’t get any sex for a very long time.
6) If she asks you if you if you were planning to wear that, then you weren’t.
7) When she is trying to make a selection between several different options, and she asks you which one you like best, do not make the rookie mistake of telling her. She doesn’t care which one you like best. She wants you to guess the one that she likes best.
8) You have no opinions as to the link between applied textiles and visual mass.
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October 16th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
What’s an applied textile? or visual mass for that matter?
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PFC Barry reply on October 16th, 2008 11:01 pm:
basically what your home will look like
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courtney reply on October 17th, 2008 12:00 am:
I think it’s in response to the age old question “does this make me look fat?”
Definition: Look out, it’s a trap.
Capcha: posts whale: wrong answer. any reference to whales should be omitted from that conversation.
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October 16th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Schwal, “Honey, does this dress make be look fat?” should be all the hint you need. There is no good answer, therefore you should not attempt to voice one.
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Snyarhedir reply on April 8th, 2011 12:27 am:
Judging by what my parents have told me about that question, the best way to answer that question without lying or getting a negative response is to:
A: ask, “Do you want an honest answer?” as vaguely as possible, without any hint of implying your actual opinion;
B: say, “I’m not playing this sick game!”
C: say, “I refuse to dignify such a subjective question with an answer, for if I say no, I may lie, and if I say yes, I may hurt your feelings.”
D: say, “Now why on Earth would you ask something like that?”
Granted, these responses only fit the cliché, not necessarily the reality, much like this list here (which in that respect is nothing compared to the one from a few posts ago).
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October 16th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Skippy, why does your server think it’s hosted in Russia (GMT+6)?
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October 16th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Skippy you forgot one:
9) Once you are cohabitating you are no longer a man. You are now a trained pet monkey with who she must put up with every day. She will voice this several times as you fling poo at you old ex-freinds, the one she doesn’t like, who stare at you through the window.
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October 16th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
My response has always been “No honey, the dress has nothing to do with it.”
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Snyarhedir reply on April 8th, 2011 12:28 am:
Good answer!
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October 16th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Skippy, I normally don’t comment, but you’re right on with the wicker basket.
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October 16th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
For the record, I own one wicker basket, in which I keep my knitting. I don’t like much chocolate. I don’t ever talk to him when he’s watching TV (although he was distracting me during the debate). And his things are in the house and in use, rather than in storage. And I buy the sheets. But for most females, you’re dead on. :)
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Callee reply on October 17th, 2008 2:08 am:
I have to agree with you, he’s dead on in regards to most females. I have a couple very small wicker baskets and would rather have a beer rather than chocolate. I don’t talk, except during the commercials. I buy my own sheets, preferably cotton.
There can’t be just two of us, can there????
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ArchaicDome reply on October 17th, 2008 2:45 am:
I’m afraid there can, Callee. I’m afraid there can. *scary music*
One difference- I talk all through shows, but not necessarily to him. More to the tiny people inside the TV. He tunes me out, so I don’t count it.
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Fuyo reply on October 18th, 2008 4:41 pm:
I don’t have wicker baskets, do love chocolate and we (maybe strangely) have our own beds so buy our own sheets ~ and his are a higher thread count & more expensive than mine!
Oh, and my butt looks big in whatever I wear ;)
Captcha: Willey Mount ~ I don’t want to know >.<
October 17th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Regarding sheet thread count (#1), if the count is too high, you are either a)gay, b)rich and someone else buys the sheets for you, and/or c)a male slut who likes to indulge on things that touch his naked body.
For the average guy, just aim for sheets that have a thread count between 300 and 600. 600’s pushing it, but it’s not totally freakish.
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October 17th, 2008 at 2:55 am
3) On that note, everything you own will be thrown away, or at the very least placed into storage. They will be replaced with a wicker basket full of crap. Women are kind of retarded for wicker baskets full of crap.
Is this bit mandatory? Only I was kind of planning to use moving in together as an excuse to get rid of the wicker basket full of crap, because it’s full of crap and gathers dust.
Besides, I like my bloke’s crap. Although I never could figure out where he hides his porn stash. Selfish bastard. :'(
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October 17th, 2008 at 3:22 am
Despite all the downsides, the positive of this arrangement is that the man now always gets to have the last word.
“Yes, dear.”
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October 17th, 2008 at 4:04 am
Ok seriously am I the only one who notices that there are two #4’s? and that #8 is a fricken smiley face?
Oh and as for thread count what strait unmarried guy would even be able to answer that? I know I can’t (and I may swing both ways just a little).
And that DVR will also come in handy when she wants to watch her shows. That way you can play the nice caring loving husband/boyfriend.
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Sweet Sister Morphine reply on October 16th, 2008 11:41 pm:
No. I just knew that if I pointed it out, Murphy’s Law would dictate that I would make some kind of embarrassing typographical error.
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October 17th, 2008 at 4:40 am
I am guessing I just got lucky in the wife department as she would rather work on a car then count threads in sheets (I buy them, the sheets), is allergic to chocolate, only uses wicker to package something for her female friends and has only used the “does this make my butt look big” question as a joke in reference to things in jest, ie; “does this shotgun make my butt look big?”
Damn, I am going to buy a lottery ticket now………
Captcha, “companions of”, yep, definitely buying a lottery ticket!
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October 17th, 2008 at 8:09 am
For the record, I buy the sheets in our house, I am addicted to chocolate, but I buy that too, and our house is mostly “his” stuff (a great deal of it from a previous marriage, except the bed). And he doesn’t watch TV, he plays WoW, and I talk to him, from the comp in the other room where I’m playing WoW too.
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October 18th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Seems like enlisted get 180 or 200 count, visiting officers get 600, sateen finish.
But it was 52 coats I had to explain to the investigating officer (CPT / O-3) after I had ETS into the Reserves! No, sir, I do not know what happened to the Gortex jackets. I ordered aviation coats by mistake because the commander was impatient to get Gortex jackets and had us try to order Gortex in advance of our forced issue! You think there’re a lot of sheets on FEDLOG? Try looking up coats!
Ask CID where it went; probably the same place as last time.
recaptcha: old Lauer (what Matt Lauer hopes to be one day?)
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October 18th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
One question for the forum:
How often is furniture suppose to be moved? More often than oil is changed in vehicles?
pleaded salonian? Say what?
CCO
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October 19th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
In general, when a relationship gets to that point anyway, you’re usually better to trade in for another model.
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December 10th, 2008 at 10:54 am
note: if the female you want to continue having relations with is pregnant avoid:
“your fat but it’s ok, cause your pregnant”
e-mailing topless pics to deployed buddies so they can see how big her rack is getting
starting bets with coworkers on who’s kid it is…when you are married
and any refrence to sumo when she is in her underwear.
all the above can lead to dismemberment if she is trained in weoponry and can stop trowing up.
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April 8th, 2011 at 12:34 am
I love the way so many people in the comments put it upon themselves to debunk the stereotypes and misconceptions. It puts my mind at ease.
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