Another Job List

Well all my life I’ve been a jack of all trades. I’ve worked for carnivals, haunted houses and rodeos (yes, I was the clown). I’ve been a carpenter, electrician and mason. I’ve worked fisheries, fishing boats and spent a season doing America’s deadliest job (Alaska Crab Fishing). But in all of these jobs I don’t think I had as much fun as when I was a Satellite and Wireless Internet installer. Every morning my team would get together and the office manager would come out and lecture us on the days jobs, and what was wrong with yesterday. Here are a few excerpts: (I will list the numbers that apply directly to me at the end)

1. It is not OK to shoot a kid with an AirSoft gun, while working.
2. Even if the kid was shooting you first.
3. It is not OK to tell the police the accelerator was “stuck” and you were “unsticking” it while driving a company vehicle.
4. It is not OK to use the terms spectrothermal “anal”yzer, pig snoot, three-eyed cancer hazard when describing the feed horns on a satellite dish.
5. It is not OK to drill four, one inch diameter holes in a rude customers wall to run a quarter inch thick cable to the back of the TV.
6. It is not OK to throw heavy objects from a roof and tell young children to “catch!”
7. When taking your lunch on the roof of a customers home it is not OK to tease the pet rottweiler with your food.
8. It is not OK to help your customer get revenge on his neighbor by putting a 14 foot tall motorized dish right outside the bedroom window of his neighbors house.
9. It is not OK to offer free additional channels in exchange for sex, especially when you aren’t the one who activates those channels.
10. It is not OK to tell a customer that the microwave receiving plate is “harmless unless you are within 100 feet of it, in any direction, for more than a few minutes at a time,” then mount it to the roof right above their bedroom.
11. If you are going to fall off a roof, try to land somewhere soft, other than the customer’s favorite pet.
12. While climbing towers do not “test” the safety harness by tying yourself off and jumping off the tower.
13. Microwave receiving/transmitting plates are not Frisbees.
14. It is not OK to beat a customer over the head and shoulders with a fishing pole.
15. It is not OK to beat a customer over the head and shoulders with a foam pool noodle.
16. It is not OK to challenge a customer to a duel. They might just accept.
17. It is not OK to tell a customer “Don’t worry, I’m a professional” and then open a can of beer.
18. It is not OK to have beer at any work site, unless said work site is a bar and you aren’t drinking it.
19. When a police officer pulls you over it is not OK to tell him to “bugger off and mind your own business.”
20. When climbing a tower with a ladder, use the ladder. Also it is not OK to race your coworker up the outside of the tower while he climbs the ladder.
21. When in a cherry picker with a coworker it is NOT OK to see how far you can make the bucket rock. Especially if your coworker is afraid of heights.
22. It is not OK to beat up a coworker for, literally, scaring the piss out of you.
23. It is not OK to break your wrist while drilling through steel, at work.

I was the direct cause of 1, 2, 4, 10, 14, 19, 20, 21, 22 and 23. I was the coworker pissing my pants in 21. I did however have a lot of fun, and would do it all again if it wasn’t for the lawsuit. But that is another story….

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This entry was posted on Monday, October 6th, 2008 at 9:56 am and is filed under Andrew, New List. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.