This time the list comes courtesy of Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children. Which is probably the only time in your life you will see the word courtesy used in the same sentence as a reference to the USMC.
(Submitted by Dale Fox)
- I am not authorized to make a superhero costume out of garbage bags, duct tape, m-16 mags and a poncho liner and then chase down and tackle another company’s radio man during a FINEX.
- I am not allowed to cut my old cammies into a “combat thong” and run through the other platoons squad bay during a briefing
- It is also not OK to shake my money maker for the company gunny in the same thong
- I am not allowed to fling my own poo at those who throw skittles at me while I’m using a slit trench
- It is not OK to chok the company gunny’s tires just to see what happens
- I am not authorized to ambush the chow truck
- I am not allowed to defecate on the furniture of suspected insurgents to “send them a warning”
- I am not authorized to set off 55 pounds of UXO near the battalion FOB just to show that they don’t check the grids I give them
- My humvee is not a “stunt car”
- I am not authorized to paint 24 inch tall skulls on all the doors of my MAP team’s vehicles
- The phrase “nega hachi chachi” is not the correct response when your CO asks if you “see anything”
- “I’m rockin’ ” is not a proper response to the question “how are you doing” during my XO’s barracks inspection
- It is not OK to call “controlled det” on the radio after the fact
- Sporks in the hair are not acceptable ways to mark EPWs
- “Wag bag” is not the proper title of the SgtMaj, even if he is one
- It is not ok to fire warning shots at the Battalion commander’s convoy when they do not recognize our right of way
- I am not allowed to sink a case of chow mein MREs in the Euphrates and then leave a treasure map
- Semper gumby (always flexible) is not the proper response to officers giving me orders to undo what they told me to do in the first place
- I am not authorized to tip government vehicles on their sides during training to create a road block
- Humvees are not authorized to go on beer runs, especially not to a drive thru
- I am not authorized to practice my WWF moves on Iraqis
- I am not authorized to pillage due to my Viking roots
- Playing Pantera over loudspeakers after a firefight is not Psyops
- Our patrol is not a bunch of MAMs sabotaging the power station (even though battalion told the tanks we were)
- It is not OK to disregard the smallcraft instructors and go over the side “with style”
- Going to Big Muj island is not to be referred to as going on a 3 hours tour
- I am not authorized to publicly display my picks of who would play members of my chain of command in a movie
- Farting into the radio handset is not a proper response, even if you do say “over” after you do it
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