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If you live forever, when do you shut up? (The Vampire Rants, Parts One and Two)

September 5th, 2008 by todd merriman

The Vampire Rants, Part I

One of the biggest pains in the ass about being immortal is moving.

Every time you move, it seems like you have more crap that you never use than ever before. Every year you just accumulate more junk. You think you’d stop buying stuff. You think you’d learn not to pop the trunk every time you see a piece of furniture out by the dumpster that “could be fixed up.” And perish the thought of telling a birthday well-wisher bearing a gag gift to fuck themselves. You just plaster on a fake smile and give them insincere thanks, and pile the shit in your closet.

Lucky for you, one day you’ll die and all that worthless junk will turn into someone else’s problem. But what if you don’t die?

Over the many lifetimes I’ve lived, I’ve had many aliases. For right now, my name is Wayne. I’m a vampire. And I have too much shit.

Imagine having crap you just can’t bear to part with because, even though it’s crap, it’s 500-year-old crap, so there’s a good chance it’s valuable. For example, I have a musket I picked up off one of my prey at an English settlement in Virginia — a blunderbuss, I think it’s called.

I don’t even remember why I kept it. I don’t use guns to hunt. I guess I thought it was neat or something. Anyhow, I know it’s worth a lot of money now. I’ve spent a few centuries poor. I don’t intend to repeat that experience. I like having assets I can turn over into cash when I need it. Oh sure, my needs don’t really cost anything, but I find undeath to go much easier when you’ve got a little cash on hand.

So here I am, talking to the guy at Pak-It-In Storage, setting up shelter for said musket and countless other antiquities I can’t just throw away.

He fills out the date on the lease.

“Wow, can you believe it’s almost December already? Where does the time go, huh?”


Part II

So I sign the form and the putz points out I missed a spot shaving. I guess he thinks he’s being helpful. I know I always look like shit. I just never know exactly to what degree, because I have no reflection. I’m fine with how I look, but I always hate seeing how vampires are portrayed in movies. They always hire some clean-shaven pretty boy actor with good hair to play the undead. It’s ridiculous. Vampires have awful hygiene and grooming.

Think of it this way: if you couldn’t see your reflection in the mirror, how do you think you would look?

Hollywood acts like we’re a bunch of slicked-back, sexy seducers, but that’s only sometimes. The requisite shape-shifting to be one of those is a pain in the ass. Sure, sometimes it’s funny, changing into a guy whose socks match and who didn’t miss a button when he was putting his shirt on and going out into the public to hunt; finding some drunk girl and asking her if she wants to ride on my motorcycle. After a few minutes of riding, I might say, “You want to take the handlebars?”

“Sure,” she giggles. Then I get on behind her and urge her, “Open it up. See what this baby can do.”

Before she knows it, we’re tearing down the freeway at 110 miles per hour, the police on our tail. She wants to pull over, but I remind her she’s drunk and she doesn’t want that kind of trouble. I have control of her mind.

She revs the throttle and I wrap my arms tighter around her. She purrs at my touch. There’s a hairpin curve ahead. I sink in my fangs and drain her, change into a bat and fly off before the bike smashes into a tree, leaving little behind but a twisted mass of metal and flesh, not to mention a very confusing dashcam video for the authorities.

That’s fun a couple of times, but it loses its charm as quickly as you run out of places that will rent you a motorcycle.

No, nowadays I like to spend my Saturday nights at home reading. Besides, where I’m from, it’s considered ill-mannered to play with your food.

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14 Responses to “If you live forever, when do you shut up? (The Vampire Rants, Parts One and Two)”

  1. Angelus Says:

    Well done, sir. Well done indeed.


  2. Stickfodder Says:

    This was rather well timed because I just started seeing True Blood commercials yesterday


  3. Andrew Says:

    Nicely thought out. I think it could have been a little more though. A few more details here and there, and a little more “ranting,” but all in all a fine piece of work.

    captcha: Hopkins Briden – the Democratic nominees for 2010


  4. JRGuinness Says:

    Good job. As a vampire after awhile you could tell anyone “I’ve got stuff in my refrigerator that’s older than you are. Hell, I still think I have a piece of cake from Methuselah’s 3rd wedding in my freezer.”

    Captcha: salaries $100,000 – in my dreams


    Snyarhedir reply on March 22nd, 2011 12:15 am:

    And I could one day say, “I’ve seen fossils younger than that ,” with absolute sincerity.


  5. Caine Says:

    Good story. Made my friday morning at work. =)


  6. TeratoMarty Says:

    Todd, please write a novel. I love vampire stories, but there is too much “Interview With A Vampire” and “Guilty Pleasures” out there, and not enough “You Suck: A Love Story.” Also, the captcha is “Preparing Matinee;” the oracular internet suggests that, if you write a novel, you will sell the movie rights and I will catch the cheap show.


    Minty reply on September 6th, 2008 12:23 am:

    Coincidentally, there’s been a growing market of humorous paranormal fiction, with titles like “Real Vampires Have Curves” (i.e. fat vampires), or have typically cheesy titles, but the plots revolve around a werewolf who keeps forgetting to take her pantyhose off before changing.

    Unfortunately, for all the fun plot lines, you have to wade through a bunch of crappy romance. So, if Todd can write a funny paranormal story without heaving bosoms and quivering manhoods, that would truly be awesome.


    TeratoMarty reply on September 6th, 2008 1:25 am:

    You might like “You Suck,” then. Errr yeah, it’s subtitled “a love story,” but it’s more like a codependence story, and ruthlessly mocks the “lovers.” No heaving or quivering.


    Squid Vicious reply on September 6th, 2008 7:17 am:

    You might also like “Family Bites” by Lisa Williams, or pretty much anything regarding the Discworld by Terry Pratchett (“Carpe Jugulum” is a good vampire one from him).

    captcha: Please teaches – how to get good grades?


    Snyarhedir reply on March 22nd, 2011 12:22 am:

    Romance has always been an essential part of a vampire story. Since the beginning, or at least with Bram Stoker, it has been firmly established that, of all the supernatural beings/monsters, vampires are the most overtly sexual and/or romantic.


  7. TheShadowCat Says:

    You’d make a killing on ebay. ;-)


  8. Brina Ferret Says:

    a new thing to do is if you get to bored have an “antique sale” for a bunch of hot women, your own fun little buffet. And should you feel the need to go home with one of them do the whole think in another cleaner form and screw them over at home, a robbery is a great way to collect some more junk after a good feed. And as for the problems with getting ready have your “life partner” ((pet human)) to groom you or even find a suitable undead roommate who wont try to kill you or screw you over in some unpleasant way

    captcha:theres “been tapestry” collecting in your attic that’d put the museums to shame
    ok my captcha just changed so now I’m all “for Hurtin”


  9. Snyarhedir Says:

    Does a vampire of one sex HAVE to bite a member of the opposite sex? (Stories about presumably homosexual vampires–with which I am not familiar–do not count as examples of the otherwise.)


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