Random funnies

August 15th, 2008 by LT Ronald

It’s been a while since I last posted anything. I’d like to give you all a good reason, but I just don’t have one. Football season is starting, and keeping up with the NFL and Fantasy Football has kept me busy.

I have various little witty sayings that I have picked up over the years, such as when someone drops something I’ll say, “Just throw that anywhere.” Or when I have a situation handled and someone mentions to me to be prepared to handle said situation I’ll say: “I’m on it, like flies to the things flies fly to.”

One of my sayings when leaving to go somewhere is “Let’s head out like a fetus.”

My 9 year old son came up with one the other day that had me in stitches (on the inside)

We were going into my brother’s house and my son, the great mimic that he is, said “let’s head out like a fetus”, I explained to him that we were heading in, so that saying wasn’t accurate, so without missing a beat he says, “we’ll then, let’s head in like a gay man.”

Here’s a few new one’s that I’ve added to my stand-up routine,

1. I can’t do the two guy one girl three-way. I’m always afraid of crossing swords, and that’s just a little too gay for me. So, much to my chagrin, I’ve realized that means no more Letter “H-ing” midgets, the dicks still touch somewhere in the middle.

2. Did you know that every year there are over a million battered women in the United States? And to think, I’ve been eating mine plain all this time.

3. I have this cousin who is always in trouble with the law. He had to get a waiver to even enlist in the military, then was thrown out in AIT for pissing hot. I see him every Christmas and at family reunions (when he’s not incarcerated or I’m not deployed). Every time I see him he has a new scheme or less than savory money-making endeavor that he is trying out. This last family reunion he shows up with a bunch of new tattoos, and tells me that he’s tattooing for a living now, and working part time for a loan shark. As he’s leaving the reunion I say, “bye, and stay out of trouble, and if you can’t stay out of trouble I have a great idea for your next tattoo: “HIV Positive” right above your asshole, might help you out next time you’re in the joint”.

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This entry was posted on Friday, August 15th, 2008 at 8:34 pm and is filed under Guest Story, LT Ronald. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

SGT Hay Says:
August 15th, 2008 at 9:07 pm

My new favorite phrase came from a friend who we didn’t expect this level of evil –

“If I wanted to hear someone whine and snivel, I’d go down to the orphanage and ask the kids how their moms were doing.”

Good stuff, sir, thanks!

Foodie McFoodstermeister reply on August 16th, 2008 2:18 pm:

o.o wow, that really is horrible… but I can’t help but see myself using it XD

Nate reply on August 17th, 2008 1:52 pm:

Horrible but hilarious.

StoneWolf reply on August 29th, 2008 1:00 am:

That is going on the list. I think I almost broke something laughing.

Jason Says:
August 15th, 2008 at 9:12 pm

I use “off like a prom dress” to describe me leaving work.

LouisCQ reply on August 16th, 2008 5:41 am:

I use “off like a pair of honeymoon pajamas.”

JRGuinness Says:
August 17th, 2008 at 3:16 am

I had this old codger that I used to work for at a gun range in Austin, TX. Every time that someone would drop something or accidentally hit something, he would say “Break it. It’s paid for.”

Needless to say, I picked it up and use it regularly.

Ericka Says:
August 18th, 2008 at 3:41 pm

Recently I had to take my car to a garage for state inspection. While I was waiting I over heard a mechanic say to one of his coworkers. “Like a sunburned pecker, you can’t beat it!”

I’ve adopted that one.

Andrew Says:
August 18th, 2008 at 5:12 pm

Wow… Some of those are just plain wrong… Had me laughing a whole half hour!

Mlynnr Says:
August 18th, 2008 at 7:17 pm

I’m forever telling people that I’m off like a cheap toupee in a stiff breeze or that something is as useful as socks on a rooster…

Capcha: 1st accident. My first post here, how appropriate!

Jack Crow in the free world Says:
August 18th, 2008 at 11:51 pm

Guys,
I have a line that makes normal civilians squirm.

I use this when referring to a lack of friction or smooth movement.

“Like an ice pick through ear wax”.

I love to watch the color run out of peoples faces when that gets said.

Another line I came up with while working a contract in Iraq.
Having strangers try and kill you is a stressful thing.
Under stress parts of the body tense up.
That usually means heat and pressure someplace.
What forms under heat and pressure?

The term…
“Manufacturing fecal diamonds”
came out of being mortared once too often while in Baghdad.

There is reason why I’m not invited to parties, and it’s a good one.

Later dudes
Jack Crow in the free world.

StoneWolf reply on August 29th, 2008 1:02 am:

Beutiful!

Alvin Says:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:33 am

â??If I wanted to hear someone whine and snivel, Iâ??d go down to the orphanage and ask the kids how their moms were doing.â?

That one is amazing lol

A favorite of mine i started to use recently was “It feels like i am being raped in the ear canal by someone wearing a sandpaper condom” I heard it on Zero punctuation and pretty much love using it when i hear something bad.

chila Says:
August 20th, 2008 at 8:07 am

lol i wasnt going to post a comment but i have to share what my CAPTCHA is: arouse Extra

Michiel Says:
August 21st, 2008 at 12:57 am

One I like to use when saying good bye to people is “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t watch.”

I got that one when I misheard someone say, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

David B reply on March 1st, 2014 12:34 pm:

I hope you don’t mind, but I’m taking that one

Skye Says:
August 21st, 2008 at 6:53 am

Hehe…I have some I heard it on a show called Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

“That stinks like a dead whale in a limburger factory!”
Another is from a coworker of mine who was talking about his pissy anatomy teacher.

“She aggravates my soul”

StoneWolf Says:
August 29th, 2008 at 1:06 am