More IT

August 11th, 2008 by skippy

It’s Monday, and we have another, fairly large, batch of things not to do, courtesy of the IT industry.

(Submitted by Warlock)

No longer allowed to rip apart old hard drives to salvage absurdly powerful magnets.
No longer allowed to use salvaged magnets to attach small coworkers to large metal objects.
No longer allowed to come up with names for servers.
No longer allowed to create passwords that average people cannot remember.
No longer allowed to create obscene mnemonics to assist people in remembering their passwords.
No longer allowed to sing.
Or dance.
That includes walking like an Egyptian.
And headbanging.
Or glowstick. Yes, it’s dancing.
No longer allowed to bring in music by that weird punk cabaret band.
No longer allowed to bring in music by that weird folk band.
No longer allowed to bring in any music from weird cover bands.
No longer allowed to bring in any music that depresses people to tears.
No longer allowed to bring in music at all.
No longer allowed to build scale models of siege weaponry.
Especially at scale 1:1.
No longer allowed to add enough sugar to my chai to make the average hummingbird ill.
No longer allowed to add sugar at all.
Or take caffeine pills.
Red Bull is right out.
No longer allowed to use the plotter.
Or the color laserjet.
In fact, all print jobs are to be vetted by a superior.
No longer allowed to sharpen anything.
No longer allowed to wear breakfast cereal on a string necklace.
No longer allowed to wear shirts with more colors than the average box of Crayolas.
Must leave all hats at home.
In general, no longer allowed to come up with creative ways to subvert the unwritten dress code.
No longer allowed to improvise weaponry with the contents of client’s desks.
No longer allowed to start fires.
No longer allowed to modify anyone’s system sounds.
Or desktop wallpaper.
Or homepage.
Not allowed to design own business cards.
Must not install program forcing users to solve a Sudoku before they can use their computer.
No longer allowed to make up own radio alphabets.
No longer allowed to bring kung pao calamari for lunch.
Yes, even if I brought enough for everyone else.
No longer allowed to run workorders through Babelfish loops “a few times” before submitting.
No longer allowed to label computers in Japanese.
No longer allowed to send a new coworker for the “counterclockwise CD-RWs”, the “left handed trackball”, the “WLAN cabling” or anything involving the word “radioactive”.
Condoms are not water balloons. And vice versa.
There are three basic responses to receiving an assignment: “Will do.” “That’s a bad idea because…” or a request for further clarification. Hysterical laughter, blank stares, and attempts to “beat the stupid out of the client” are not acceptable.
The proper response to an impossible customer request is to find another way to accomplish their objective, not to ask them if “they are out of their fucking tree” or to “go away and take their stupid with them”.
Not allowed to reprogram anything to use Metric Time.
While traveling on company business, no longer allowed to break the sound barrier, have anyone not a long-term close friend in the hotel room, or pay for anything in pennies.
No longer allowed to quote entire scenes from Top Gun, Clerks, or Office Space.
Not authorized to inflate anything (except a car tire that actually is on a car).
Not allowed to answer phone with bad Indian accent, with the name of any business not this one, or in the persona of any cartoon character.
In fact, no longer allowed to answer the phone.
No longer allowed to pun “just the fax.”
Must not engage in Primal Scream Therapy in public.
Not allowed to find out the LD50 of common office substances.
Not allowed to practice voodoo.
Not allowed to chant menacingly.
Not allowed to speak Ebonics.
Not allowed to photocopy anything without adult supervision.
Not allowed to challenge anyone to the field of honor.
Not allowed to use blunt trauma on customers or their computers.
Not allowed to register my objection to command decisions by goosestepping, giving the Hitler salute, or humming the Horst Wessel Lied.
Salt is not to be placed in the sugar bowl. Sugar is not to be placed in the salt shakers. Flour is not amusing.
Going to San Francisco does not necessitate wearing flowers in my hair.
Not allowed to accept compensation for work in any way, shape or form except check made out to employer.
Not allowed to wear steel-toed fuzzy slippers.
Not allowed to recreate any famous movie scene.
Not allowed to hijack forklifts.
Not allowed to speak in pirate.
May not wear any hairstyle stolen from Bob Marley, Wayne Static, or any anime character.
Not allowed to make saving throws, skill checks, or to-hit rolls.
Not allowed to perform the bounce test on any-thing or -one.
When out of sick days, not allowed to call in “temporarily dead for tax reasons.”
Not allowed to wonder if the ground will be friends with me.
Fingernails are a luxury, not a right.
May not use language that would cause a sailor to burst into flame.
Not allowed to adopt mannerisms and voice of “Igor”, E.T. or B.A. from the A-Team.
Not allowed to convene a board of inquiry, a court-martial or a firing squad.
A meterstick is not a sword and is not to be held like one.
Tai chi is a strictly at-home activity.
Backup tapes are not to be juggled.
CDs are not frisbees.
When the Active Directory is misbehaving, there is neither unrest in the forest nor trouble with the trees.
May not break any arms limitation treaties.
May not use the soldering iron or any power tools without adult supervision.
My phone number is not eight six seven five three oh ni-yine.
No longer allowed to have cell ring tones that no one would ever expect from a cell phone.
Am not allowed to incite civil unrest.
Must at all times obey local and federal statutes regarding possession of weaponry, medications and lasers.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show is only funny in context.
May not perform amateur medicine, including but not limited to chiropractice, massage therapy and acupuncture.
May not quote ancient racial proverbs to justify any course of action.
Not allowed to blackmail anyone with the contents of their browser history, email, or laptop bag.
Victory laps are unprofessional.
Not allowed to reenact any Monty Python skits, including but not limited to the Cheeseshop sketch, the Vikings sketch, the Dead Parrot sketch and the Crunchy Frog sketch.
May not carry a flashlight that would not look out of place as a Star Wars prop.
When faced with a difficult situation, Option J is not an option.
Mocking people for their choice of password is unprofessional.
I am not here to kick ass and chew bubblegum.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 11th, 2008 at 11:09 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

Stickfodder Says:
August 11th, 2008 at 1:20 pm

What the hell is a babel fish loop, where do you get steel toed fuzzy slippers, and what the fuck is Option J?

braveheart reply on August 11th, 2008 2:08 pm:

its when you have bablefish translate something between a few different languages before returning to english, it usually results in weird grammar and mistranslation, usually one comes off as a foreigner, try it on you next income tax returns

Stickfodder reply on August 11th, 2008 2:37 pm:

Oh the I’ total; ehrfÃ¼rchtige; east; m, the total goes that and j’ they have made to try just.

(Oh that is totally awesome I’m totally going to try that and I just did.)

Stickfodder reply on August 11th, 2008 2:39 pm:

that weird A and 1/4 are supposed to be a u with dots over it

Casey Says:
August 11th, 2008 at 1:56 pm

I believe a Babelfish loop is when you translate something from say, English to German, then from German to French, then from French to Scandinavian, and finally back to English. Try it sometime, and you’ll understand.

Also:
“Not allowed to wonder if the ground will be friends with me.”
Made my boss wonder about me. A lot.

Stickfodder reply on August 11th, 2008 2:42 pm:

Is that a Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy reference?

braveheart reply on August 11th, 2008 11:50 pm:

indirectly, bablefish (concept) is from hitchhiker’s which is where the website (bablefish) got the name, although the idea of a “bablefish” loop is not new

Stickfodder reply on August 12th, 2008 12:27 am:

NO not the bablefish thing the “wondering if the ground will be friends with me” thing.

Ix reply on August 14th, 2008 4:32 pm:

Assuming I remember right? Yes. The whale pondered this.

(Captcha: Simon Frankfurter – the whale’s name?)

Ani reply on August 11th, 2008 3:16 pm:

Just so you know: Scandinavian is not a language. It’s the name of a grouping of three countries: Norway, Sweden, and Denmark. They each have their own language.

Cato reply on August 14th, 2008 10:16 pm:

THank you, I was about to point that out to him.

Simple-minded Says:
August 11th, 2008 at 4:51 pm

‘Fingernails are a luxury, not a right.’ …..must…know…more….

Schwal Says:
August 11th, 2008 at 5:53 pm

“chiropractic” does not have an e. also, great hitchikers guide and lotr refrences.

Christian Lafay Says:
August 11th, 2008 at 6:49 pm

You just know that if someone were to mass produce steel-toed fuzzy slippers that everyone who reads this page would have some. Just imagine a world with those wonderful things. The glorious future that it would bring. Sitting in your rocking chair on your porch, bathrobe open for the world to see your too large wife beater and too small boxers, knee high socks with one being lazy, and fuzzy slippers. Some young whipper-snapper or salesman comes to close and WHAM! No one saw it coming. That my friends is a truly golden idea. MUST HAVE SLIPPERS

Jon reply on August 11th, 2008 9:34 pm:

Agreed! I saw that item and stopped reading in order to do a google search. Alas, no one makes them. :(

WANT!

sistercoyote reply on August 12th, 2008 4:38 am:

I didn’t bother with the google search, but yes – my first thought was “Want”!

Andrew Says:
August 11th, 2008 at 7:43 pm

Rediculously powerful magnets from hard drives… I love these things. I superglue them to common tools so that they are easy to store in weird places, like on doors, workbenches, building support poles, computer chasis…

As for proper responses to stupid or impossible requests I remain silent and when they say “Hello?” I answer, “Sorry bout that, I had to put the phone down for a second, now what did you say?” Sometimes it takes the customer four or five tries to figure out that I’m actually ignoring the dumb request.

Try this one for fun though… Steel toe boots, a few peices of parer with incomprehensable gibberish written on them and rediculously strong hard drive magnets. Stand in the word area and stare at the papers. Some of the questions asked are hilarious.

Jon Says:
August 11th, 2008 at 9:39 pm

One other one that I would have to add for myself:

– No longer allowed to practice gun-fu with rubber bands.

(I am deadly with a rubber band, as one of my cow-orkers can attest. He would hide behind his monitor at his desk, which just made things more challenging because I would have to arc it in.)

Kenny Says:
August 11th, 2008 at 9:53 pm

OK…big fan of RUSH and I am absolutely using that “there is unrest in the forest. There is trouble with the trees” next time I get a damn system error and see who catches that!!!!!

Deb Says:
August 12th, 2008 at 4:00 am

Methinks Skippy needs a job with a more understanding employer! I mean, come on, IT nerds are required by the union to be eccentric!

Analee Says:
August 12th, 2008 at 4:22 am

Here’s some additions that probably only Australians and my Hardware class would find funny:

-Not allowed to lead Doug Anthony All Stars sing-alongs.
-Especially if the playlist includes a certain song about dogs.
-Even if your boss/teacher thinks it’s hilarious.

Captcha: wreath allowance – What people who plaster them all over their damned houses at Christmas time need to be put on.

DamienPS reply on August 29th, 2008 2:23 pm:

Yes, the Dougs are very twisted boys.

Analee reply on August 29th, 2008 7:19 pm:

I feel happy that at least ONE person knows what I was talking about. :)

Captcha: 15 November – A day I’ll probably have work on. :(

Warlock Says:
August 12th, 2008 at 8:58 am

Batch reply:

Stickfodder: They make steel-toed everything else, I don’t know why they _don’t_ make steel-toed bunny slippers. Also, Option J is on Urban Dictionary. Google from there. Also also, the ground/friends thing is _definitely_ an H2G2 ref.

Simple-minded: I was semi-growing out my fingernails for a while. Like, even with the ends of my fingers. During one project, i ripped all ten of them, two bad enough to bleed.

Schwal: I made a LOTR ref? … Although that gives me an idea:
* If a client machine is chronically difficult, the solution is not to take my best friend and go throw it in a volcano somewhere.

Kenny: It’s not just a system error: “forest” and “trees” are actually technical terms in Active Directory…

Deb: Assuming by “Skippy” in this case, you meant the author of this list, i.e. _me_: I think my boss would have handled it much better if we’d been an IT department proper, rather than trying to sell IT services. It doesn’t make the best customer impression to have your lead engineer fix an issue, put down his kung pao calamari, adjust his hawaiian shirt, and go outside to take a victory lap.

General footnotes (because the original list had links):
“WLAN cabling” : WLAN = wireless networking. This is along the lines of sending the new guy on the aircraft carrier for the flight line or the prop wash.

“the bounce test”: If it doesn’t work, see if bouncing it fixes it. If it does work, see if it still works after being bounced. See: percussive maintenance.

“ancient racial proverbs”: This is one of the few items that didn’t apply directly to me. One of our engineers had immigrated from the (former) USSR and kept saying: “There is an old Russian saying that goes…”

Thanks for all the comments and thanks so much for posting this, Skippy!

Andrew reply on August 14th, 2008 10:59 pm:

It wouldn’t be a racial proverb then, It’d be cultural.

Captcha: for plants – Against animals

Deb Says:
August 19th, 2008 at 3:54 am

I think it is perfectly acceptable for all of that to occur (fix issue, put down food, adjust shirt, victory lap), but then I am married to an IT guy, so I see all that every day! bofh ftw!

Captcha: +1,107,000 funny

Never seen one with symbols before, odd.

Harold Says:
February 10th, 2009 at 8:33 pm

this was hilarious! excelent stuff…post moar?

captcha: ing dobby

but what goes before the ing?

Snyarhedir Says:
March 15th, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Warlock needs to put more imagination into its posts.

Snyarhedir reply on March 15th, 2011 11:30 pm:

Granted, some of these are pretty clever.

David B Says:
March 13th, 2014 at 3:16 pm

What is LD-50? Also, *Exactly* where in a hard drive are these extremely powerful magnets, and about how many would be needed to stick an about 130lb male to a metal door?

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