Archive for August 11th, 2008

It’s Monday, and we have another, fairly large, batch of things not to do, courtesy of the IT industry.

(Submitted by Warlock)

• No longer allowed to rip apart old hard drives to salvage absurdly powerful magnets.
• No longer allowed to use salvaged magnets to attach small coworkers to large metal objects.
• No longer allowed to come up with names for servers.
• No longer allowed to create passwords that average people cannot remember.
• No longer allowed to create obscene mnemonics to assist people in remembering their passwords.
• No longer allowed to sing.
• Or dance.
• That includes walking like an Egyptian.
• And headbanging.
• Or glowstick. Yes, it’s dancing.
• No longer allowed to bring in music by that weird punk cabaret band.
• No longer allowed to bring in music by that weird folk band.
• No longer allowed to bring in any music from weird cover bands.
• No longer allowed to bring in any music that depresses people to tears.
• No longer allowed to bring in music at all.
• No longer allowed to build scale models of siege weaponry.
• Especially at scale 1:1.
• No longer allowed to add enough sugar to my chai to make the average hummingbird ill.
• No longer allowed to add sugar at all.
• Or take caffeine pills.
• Red Bull is right out.
• No longer allowed to use the plotter.
• Or the color laserjet.
• In fact, all print jobs are to be vetted by a superior.
• No longer allowed to sharpen anything.
• No longer allowed to wear breakfast cereal on a string necklace.
• No longer allowed to wear shirts with more colors than the average box of Crayolas.
• Must leave all hats at home.
• In general, no longer allowed to come up with creative ways to subvert the unwritten dress code.
• No longer allowed to improvise weaponry with the contents of client’s desks.
• No longer allowed to start fires.
• No longer allowed to modify anyone’s system sounds.
• Or desktop wallpaper.
• Or homepage.
• Not allowed to design own business cards.
• Must not install program forcing users to solve a Sudoku before they can use their computer.
• No longer allowed to make up own radio alphabets.
• No longer allowed to bring kung pao calamari for lunch.
• Yes, even if I brought enough for everyone else.
• No longer allowed to run workorders through Babelfish loops “a few times” before submitting.
• No longer allowed to label computers in Japanese.
• No longer allowed to send a new coworker for the “counterclockwise CD-RWs”, the “left handed trackball”, the “WLAN cabling” or anything involving the word “radioactive”.
• Condoms are not water balloons. And vice versa.
• There are three basic responses to receiving an assignment: “Will do.” “That’s a bad idea because…” or a request for further clarification. Hysterical laughter, blank stares, and attempts to “beat the stupid out of the client” are not acceptable.
• The proper response to an impossible customer request is to find another way to accomplish their objective, not to ask them if “they are out of their fucking tree” or to “go away and take their stupid with them”.
• Not allowed to reprogram anything to use Metric Time.
• While traveling on company business, no longer allowed to break the sound barrier, have anyone not a long-term close friend in the hotel room, or pay for anything in pennies.
• No longer allowed to quote entire scenes from Top Gun, Clerks, or Office Space.
• Not authorized to inflate anything (except a car tire that actually is on a car).
• Not allowed to answer phone with bad Indian accent, with the name of any business not this one, or in the persona of any cartoon character.
• In fact, no longer allowed to answer the phone.
• No longer allowed to pun “just the fax.”
• Must not engage in Primal Scream Therapy in public.
• Not allowed to find out the LD50 of common office substances.
• Not allowed to practice voodoo.
• Not allowed to chant menacingly.
• Not allowed to speak Ebonics.
• Not allowed to photocopy anything without adult supervision.
• Not allowed to challenge anyone to the field of honor.
• Not allowed to use blunt trauma on customers or their computers.
• Not allowed to register my objection to command decisions by goosestepping, giving the Hitler salute, or humming the Horst Wessel Lied.
• Salt is not to be placed in the sugar bowl. Sugar is not to be placed in the salt shakers. Flour is not amusing.
• Going to San Francisco does not necessitate wearing flowers in my hair.
• Not allowed to accept compensation for work in any way, shape or form except check made out to employer.
• Not allowed to wear steel-toed fuzzy slippers.
• Not allowed to recreate any famous movie scene.
• Not allowed to hijack forklifts.
• Not allowed to speak in pirate.
• May not wear any hairstyle stolen from Bob Marley, Wayne Static, or any anime character.
• Not allowed to make saving throws, skill checks, or to-hit rolls.
• Not allowed to perform the bounce test on any-thing or -one.
• When out of sick days, not allowed to call in “temporarily dead for tax reasons.”
• Not allowed to wonder if the ground will be friends with me.
• Fingernails are a luxury, not a right.
• May not use language that would cause a sailor to burst into flame.
• Not allowed to adopt mannerisms and voice of “Igor”, E.T. or B.A. from the A-Team.
• Not allowed to convene a board of inquiry, a court-martial or a firing squad.
• A meterstick is not a sword and is not to be held like one.
• Tai chi is a strictly at-home activity.
• Backup tapes are not to be juggled.
• CDs are not frisbees.
• When the Active Directory is misbehaving, there is neither unrest in the forest nor trouble with the trees.
• May not break any arms limitation treaties.
• May not use the soldering iron or any power tools without adult supervision.
• My phone number is not eight six seven five three oh ni-yine.
• No longer allowed to have cell ring tones that no one would ever expect from a cell phone.
• Am not allowed to incite civil unrest.
• Must at all times obey local and federal statutes regarding possession of weaponry, medications and lasers.
• The Rocky Horror Picture Show is only funny in context.
• May not perform amateur medicine, including but not limited to chiropractice, massage therapy and acupuncture.
• May not quote ancient racial proverbs to justify any course of action.
• Not allowed to blackmail anyone with the contents of their browser history, email, or laptop bag.
• Victory laps are unprofessional.
• Not allowed to reenact any Monty Python skits, including but not limited to the Cheeseshop sketch, the Vikings sketch, the Dead Parrot sketch and the Crunchy Frog sketch.
• May not carry a flashlight that would not look out of place as a Star Wars prop.
• When faced with a difficult situation, Option J is not an option.
• Mocking people for their choice of password is unprofessional.
• I am not here to kick ass and chew bubblegum.

Follow