This Is Never Funny
So a few years back the Army decided, in its infinite wisdom, that it had too many Staff Sergeants.
And so, as the Army sometimes does when this happens, it decided to offer incentives to any E-6s that would volunteer to leave the service early. And someone whimsical came up with a rather creative incentive system.
The volunteer could choose any two spots on their body, and an Army medic would measure the distance between them, and award one hundred dollars for every inch.
The morning the program opened, the medic, a Specialist, who had drawn the measuring detail received his first volunteer.
“Alright Sergeant before we get started I am required to ask you what your MOS is, and why you wish to leave the Army.”
“Well Specialist, I’m a mechanic and I was going to ETS next year anyways and I figure I could use the extra money, so why not get out now?”
‘Fair enough Sergeant. Where would you like to be measured?”
“From the tip of my left middle finger to the tip of my right middle finger.”
The specialist took his tape measure, and checked. “Okay Sergeant, you measure at 66 inches, go ahead and take this form to the Captain at the desk outside and he will cut you a check. Please send the next candidate in.”
The second candidate, a tall man, entered and was asked the same question.
“I’m a 25S, which means I work with satellite communications systems. I’m about to get married, which means I could use some extra money. And since civilians with my training make some serious money, I figure that now is a good time to get out and start a family.”
“Fair enough Sergeant, where would you like to be measured?”
“From the bottom of my feet to the top of my head.”
This man was six foot eight, and the Specialist told him so. “That comes to 80 inches, please give this form to the Captain at the desk outside and he’ll take care of your check. Please send the next man in.”
The third NCO walked in, limping badly. He too was asked for his MOS and his reason for leaving the service.
“I’m an 11B, infantry. I have seen too many combat tours, and my Humvee hit an IED a few months ago. I only recently got out of the hospital, and it is only a matter of time before my paperwork catches up with me and I get a medical discharge. So I might as well take the money and run while I can.”
“Sounds like a plan Sergeant. Where would you like me to measure you?”
“From the tip of my penis to the base of my testicles.”
“Wait, what?”
“Did I stutter soldier? I said from the tip of my penis to the base of my testicles.”
“Sergeant, I don’t mean this as an insult to your manhood, but wouldn’t it be a better idea to-“
“I SAID THE TOP OF MY COCK TO THE BACK OF MY SACK TROOPER!” the Sergeant bellowed while dropping his pants, “NOW GET TO IT!”
Feeling awkward, the Specialist got on his knees and gingerly brought the tape measure forward. Taking a quick look, he gasped and jumped back.
“Sergeant! Your balls are missing! Where are they?”
“Fallujah. Now pay up.”
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May 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
I had a feeling it was going to end with something like that. But I think the most important question is if his balls were in Fallujah where was he? And was it really enough to compensate him for what he lost?
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May 22nd, 2008 at 11:47 am
Oh gods, that was hilarious!!!
PAY THE MAN!!! *falls over laughing*
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May 22nd, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Aint nuttin like a cup of coffee and a good Skippy joke to start the mornin!
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May 22nd, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Good gods! I should know better than to drink my coffee while reading this in the mornings! Now I have to wipe the coffee off of my monitor! :: giggles ::
Thanks for the laugh, Skippy. It’s always a great way to start the day. :)
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May 22nd, 2008 at 10:36 pm
That man has the biggest balls of them all.
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Stickfodder reply on May 23rd, 2008 4:38 am:
Yeah but unfortunately they aren’t attached anymore
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May 23rd, 2008 at 1:47 am
That was pretty good.
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Michiel reply on May 23rd, 2008 3:01 am:
Wait… I thought making fun of wounded soldiers was not funny.
You said, “Michiel — You don’t make fun of folks who lost limbs in service of their country. There are a great many reasons why you don’t, and most of them are intangible.” http://skippyslist.com/2008/04/18/first-guest-story/#comment-3937
So, I guess that based on your comments, it is OK to make fun of someone losing their balls in service of their country, but not if they lose limbs.
Care to explain your apparent double standard?
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Snyarhedir reply on February 15th, 2011 12:04 am:
Better to be castrated than lose one or more limbs; the former just permanently alters you without affecting everyday function, but the latter can seriously fuck you up, especially if you cannot or must wait to get microsurgery or prosthesis attachment.
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May 23rd, 2008 at 1:56 am
I thought you said it was never funny.
*snrk*
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May 23rd, 2008 at 3:36 am
Sure. There is a difference between laughing with, and laughing at. Would you disagree?
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Michiel reply on May 23rd, 2008 4:27 am:
So who was laughing at wounded soldiers or 9/11 victims?
And in this post, how is it you are laughing with the balless soldier? He did not sound like he thought it was funny. Oh wait, he is fictional, so it is OK, but I am sure there are real life soldiers this has happened to as well. Also the ad ideas in the 9/11 post were also fictional, but they were somehow wrong.
I just find it odd that you think this joke is OK, being that you will be, “walking battlefields and attending a luminaria this memorial day weekend,” I would think you would be just as offended, if not more so than you were with the 9/11 post.
You did say that the 9/11 post was not funny, especially since it comes from someone who, “advocates making jokes about wounded military personnel.” But, I never have made jokes about wounded military personnel, I merely pointed out that they are no more sacred or off limits than any other topic. Now, we have Skippy making a post that directly makes fun of wounded military personnel and you are totally fine with it.
Can you see your inconsistency? Can you see the double standard? So, since your above explanation, explained nothing, I am asking you again… explain your double standard.
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May 23rd, 2008 at 4:53 am
The double standard seems to be that skippy can joke about stuff like that and you can’t, or maybe its because this joke was more direct. So the lesson is that you shouldn’t make indirect jokes about wounded soldiers. Or that skippy is just able to get away with more than you.
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May 23rd, 2008 at 5:19 am
Maybe you and I are laughing at different things, Michiel — that I’d be laughing with instead of at. I’m laughing that the soldier just stuck it to the government — and I’d be guessing that he would be to. What are you laughing about?
As far as this happening to real soldiers, no, it doesn’t happen. Plenty of soldiers have been emasculated in war, but I sincerely doubt that many have had a chance to make the government pay for it in such a manner. If I’m wrong, by all means, show me.
I don’t see this as a joke about wounded military personnel. I see it as a joke about how stupid military/government regulations can be.
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SKD reply on May 23rd, 2008 5:38 am:
I have to agree with Michiel, you are holding up a double standard. The joke presented above is just as much about the wounded soldier as about the silliness of the government basing compensation on a measurement between two points on a soldiers body decided by the soldier.
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Michiel reply on May 23rd, 2008 5:52 am:
OK, I feel I am banging my head against a wall named Swagman.
In the first post by Sam that you got offended over, he was telling a story about how he misspoke… not making fun of anyone. I asked why wounded soldiers were so sacred that they are beyond being made fun of. Even supreme beings are not that sacred.
In my 9/11 post, I was not making fun of anyone that died or was wounded that day. I was making fun of a capitalist society that is so insensitive that it has 9/11 sales, and then ran with the concept to an extreme to illustrate its absurdity… but that point was lost on you and you were just offended.
You were offended even though no one was laughing at or making fun of 9/11 victims. You were offended because 9/11 is one of those “sacred” topics. You were offended because you thought you were supposed to be offended, not because of the reasons you have claimed, i.e. that I am laughing at them, not with them, or just I am just making fun of them.
In regards to this happening to real soldiers, I just meant that I am sure there are soldiers losing testicles, not that they get the chance to make the government pay. Don’t be dense.
Finally, when you say that you view this joke as being about stupid military regulations and not a wounded soldier, you are making the choice to view it that way. It is a joke about wounded soldiers as well as stupid military stuff. Maybe the purpose of the joke is not to illustrate fictional military/governmental stupidity, but the real life issue of soldiers losing body parts. Maybe that is what it is about.
I’m sorry, but you seem to think I am laughing at the soldier or at the 9/11 victims, but that is not what I am doing.
I’m also sorry that I have had to keep poking at you about the double standard, (which you have still not defended), but I can’t let it slide.
Honestly, if you did not think my 9/11 post was funny, that is fine. Not everyone has the same sense of humor and that is cool. What bugged me was that you made a blanket statement that it was not funny, based on the false premise that it was making fun of 9/11. Others did not find it funny on it’s own merits and that was fine. I do stand-up, I know that any given joke will fail with some people. You declared it unfunny based on a pre-judgement of the topic instead of judging it on it’s own merits.
Anyway, we are going around in circles. So, if you would like to explain your double standard, please do. Otherwise I have to say that your acceptance of this post, versus your condemnation of the previous post is very hypocritical.
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Sicarius reply on May 23rd, 2008 5:53 am:
Swagman, if you really want to criticize Michiel, you’re going to need to take a look at this, too, maybe you’ll have a different point of view then. http://tinyurl.com/3cmfdy
Honestly, though, great work yet again.
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Minty reply on May 23rd, 2008 7:29 am:
Not a Rick Roll! Argh!!!
What’s next, the duck roll? Oh, the humanity…
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Sicarius reply on May 23rd, 2008 8:37 am:
I felt bad when I posted that, I really did.
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:47 am
Negative, Michiel, I did not get upset about Sam’s post; read what I wrote! I had no problem with what he said; everyone has “D’oh!” moments like that.
We approached this one differently, just as we approached the 9/11 jokes differently. This one I can find humor in, and I told you where I found it — thats that. And I feel, as you do, that I’m bouncing my head off a wall. It probably has something to do with our background and just the way we look at the world. I hope I like some of your other stuff more in the future. I apologize for the offense I’ve given.
Sicarius, you want to tell me what that tinyurl is before I use it? Every time I’ve ever seen one its just a redirect.
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May 23rd, 2008 at 7:48 am
Ah. I guess Minty answered my question for me… Thanks for the effort, Sicarius.
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May 23rd, 2008 at 10:45 am
swagman it’s called macabre humor….or something along those lines
we dont have to like it, but it gets a point across at how idiotic things can be
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May 23rd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
damn, that was a good one!
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May 23rd, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Heard the joke before, but I think this is the funniest version I’ve ever seen :P
Go skippy!
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May 28th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
This was a vietnam joke back in the day. We haven’t paid people to leave the service since the Clinton days. Still funny though.
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September 9th, 2008 at 1:13 am
Yeah, I first hear the joke in reference to a Marine in Vietnam. Same basic joke, just as funny, and in a shiny new uniform, too!
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StoneWolf reply on September 9th, 2008 1:14 am:
Crap! I meant heard, not hear! Friking tiny keyboard.
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February 15th, 2011 at 12:09 am
Michiel needs to get a grip.
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August 11th, 2015 at 3:44 am
On October 3, thirty high soochl students from Mount Si’s Key Club visited the homes of two elderly folks in North Bend. Armed with gloves, garden tools, and determination ..they set out to offer assistance to these homeowners where the labor had simply become too big an obstacle. The students split and stacked firewood, trimmed overgrown bushes and hedges, brought garden beds back to objects of beauty, raked leaves, and filled an enormous trailer with discarded and rotting lumber that was taken to the dump. The best part of this endeavor was the smiles and hugs given by the homeowners to these high soochl Key Clubbers. That so many showed up at their homes to Pay it Forward was overwhelming and one of the most heart-warming experiences I have seen. Way to go Mount Si Key Club!
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