First Guest Story
Regular readers will probably remember that I recently asked for readers to submit any any funny military stories they had. Well my new friend Sam has submitted one that I think is pretty good, and so I have allowed him to post it up here.
When I was stationed at Fort Sam Houston for nursing school there was a brand new facility opening as part of the hospital. For those non-military, the hospital in Fort Sam is the top dog of all Army medical centers. The new building was called the “Center for the Intrepid” and is a rehab facility for all the amputees coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan. The grand opening was a big to-do, canine-equestrian extravaganza with guest speakers/performers like Hillary Clinton, John McCain, John Mellencamp, and Rosie O’Donnell. I get the first three: major political figures and a celebrity who made very large contributions to build the facility. I never did understand why Rosie was there. But, then again, there’s a lot of people that don’t understand why she is here.
Needless to say, all the equipment in this building is state of the art and beyond anything I had ever heard of, let alone seen. My squad was lucky enough to be part of a tour through the facility about 2 weeks before they started receiving patients. The tour guide was a Captain and was showing us the various high-tech gadgets for treating the amputees and helping them cope with their new prosthetics.
One of the facilities in the building was installed on a concept so simple that I never would have thought of it. It was a fully furnished apartment.
The object was to allow the amputees to get used to doing routines chores like laundry, making dinner, vacuuming, etc. with their new prosthetics. And this apartment was NICE; a very plush pad indeed.
At this point the tour guide mentions that the whole building and equipment cost around $55 million and then asked if there were any questions before we moved on. Being the resident joker/smartass of my squad I raised my hand and asked, “So, what’s the rent go for on a place like this?” OK, kinda funny; a few people laughed until I decided to follow up. You know that voice in your head that’s supposed to inform your mouth when you’re about to say something really stupid? Well, that voice apparently was on vacation that day. Now, in my head, it was just the first metaphor for the money spent on the facility.
The follow-up statement was, “This place must cost an arm and a leg!”
Unfortunately, as you can imagine, it was NOT received well. The guy was a full-bird colonel next to me who, if looks could kill, would have cut me in half on the spot. All I could think about was how that’s not what I meant and I feel so small right now they won’t have to open the door as I could walk underneath it. Of course, my whole squad, who knows my sense of humor, thought I did it on purpose so I had to explain again after we got outside that I really didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did. I never did live that one down.
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April 18th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Ummmm….Thats not that funny dude. I guess its the first guest story so theirs gonna be some adjustment but you made fun of amputees. Lets work on the guest humor.
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Michiel reply on April 18th, 2008 11:35 pm:
Ari,
Go back. Re-read. He is NOT making fun of amputees.
But, I have to ask, what makes amputees or anyone else so sacred that they are beyond being made fun of? There is humor in all things and all situations if you look for it. In my opinion finding humor in tragic situations is a good thing, a healthy thing and makes one human, not to mention it keeps you sane. If this were not rue, M.A.S.H. would never have lasted as a TV show for as long as it did.
Michiel
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April 18th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
I was afraid of this. The humor in the story was not about the amputees. Far from it. The humor was that the comment I made had nothing to doing with the amputees but came out that way by mistake. It was never supposed to be about the patients there. I’ve been a medic for ten years. I don’t make fun of patients.
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StoneWolf reply on September 9th, 2008 1:18 am:
Honestly, I wound’t worry too much. How many people have never had a “Think, THEN speak” moment? If you haven’t then you’re lying or mute.
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April 18th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
This was one of those pun not intended kind of things wasn’t it? It just came out. That’s the funny part…it’s a painful funny though
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April 18th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
No worries, Sam. I got it. My mom was a nurse and one night while working at a halfway house for substance abusers she made the comment that she could really use a drink when the shift was over. Oops.
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April 18th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
It’s hard to get “mortified” stories to come out well.
But I sympathize. Back in college me and a buddy were heading for dinner and went to see if his girlfriend wanted to come along. She was visibly upset and my friend said “You look like your dog died, what’s wrong?”
Yup, her mom had just called to say her dog had died.
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April 18th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Bah. Just makes ya human, Sam. We all make statements that we realize are full-on, 100% brainless as soon as they come out of our mouths. It’s unfortunate, but it certainly wasn’t maliciously intended.
I think your mortification and willingness to share the story speak well of you. It’s a funny story, and thanks for allowing us to laugh at your misstep.
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April 19th, 2008 at 2:30 am
it was a faux pas story, not a making fun of amputees story.
like the time i was eating in a mexican restaurant and couldn’t figure out why i kept getting dirty looks from the staff. then i remembered that i had on my u.s. border patrol t-shirt that day. i’m sure there was saliva and probably some other awful things in my food that day.
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April 19th, 2008 at 2:50 am
Another thing to consider is the fact that behind the scenes, the military runs on very dark humor. And it doesnt just extend to the military. After my psyop experience, I interned at a medical examiners’ office where I’d assist in preparation of remains and other odd jobs. The dark humor there is a way of coping with the reality there.
I really liked the story, it had that uncomfortable humor that the british series “the office” had, and the play between what soldiers are really like injecting itself into a “formal” situation really is funny.
Again, thanks for the story, I get that it wasnt at amputees, but it was directed at the overall cultural quirks of the military.
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April 19th, 2008 at 6:28 am
I liked it; and yes, I got that he was poking fun at his own bone-headedness, not amputees. Lighten up a little, folks. Please!
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April 19th, 2008 at 9:37 am
A similar thing happened to me, too. I was working in a gift shop (not military at all) and had just come in with a hot coffee in each hand. There was a woman buying something, and her arms both ended at her elbows. She was paying with a debit card and was managing to punch in her pin and everything with her elbow stubs, which was very impressive.
One of the other employees asked me how I was doing. (She’d come in while I was out buying coffee.)
“Not bad, I really need to put these down.”
“Yeah, you don’t want to burn your hand off.”
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April 19th, 2008 at 10:35 am
JP: Autopsy humour is some of the most entertaining, no?
I’m a pathologist. I didn’t pick this handle by accident.
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April 20th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Wow. *chuckles* Sam, that was just painful. Sorry about the voice taking the vacation, it happens to everyone at one point or another.
Michiel — You don’t make fun of folks who lost limbs in service of their country. There are a great many reasons why you don’t, and most of them are intangible. Your question puts me in mind of the awkward and ill informed question put forth by Bill Clinton after Operation Gothic Serpent. “Why didn’t they just leave them?” in reference to the American dead. The response was simple. “Sir… We just don’t do that.”
M*A*S*H* was around for so many years because much of it was the humor of doctors trying to escape the horrors of war, not making fun of those same horrors.
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April 20th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I’m currently training to be a X-Ray tech in London, and I think a sense of humour is an absolute requirement for the work that we do. When you see severe, painful and not always accidental injuries to both the young and the old, the laughter is a release, to prevent you from burning out with anger and sadness.
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April 20th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
And I don’t mean I laugh at those patients that have been hurt, before anyone jumps on my virtual head
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April 20th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Dude, that was funny! I got it right away, and definitely understand the whole “brain to mouth” filter thing.
I once had a problem with an E-6 from one of the other sections of our Scout Platoon when I was in Germany, bad enough that I told him he was the most “ate up SOB” I had ever seen. How I got away with that at the time I am still not sure, since I was only a PFC, but 4 months later our Plt. Sgt. went on emergency leave, and that SSG. became the acting Plt. Sgt.
You can imagine how HAPPY I was to see the old Plt. Sgt. come back, I didn’t realize how many details you could get stuck on in the Army!
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April 21st, 2008 at 5:26 am
*laughing* Gotta love a good “Open mouth, insert foot” story, and THAT is a good “Open mouth, insert foot” story! I’ve had a couple of moments like that, so I feel your pain, Sam.
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April 22nd, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Dude, I don’t care. That was friggin’ hilarious. At work, I almost choked on my coffee and burst into laughter. That was GREAT! I think we’ve all had those moments. Rock on!
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April 22nd, 2008 at 9:04 pm
LOL! NICE!
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April 24th, 2008 at 11:32 am
I feel bad for you, I had a similar experience with a joke I told about the purple heart, and it was equally poorly received. And NO, I won’t retell it ever again. You really do have to think about what you say before you say it. or stuff like this happens.
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April 29th, 2008 at 6:01 am
That voice always needs to be just a little louder…
lol, that’s just one of those off-hand comments people make every day and don’t think about, sometimes they just get said at the wrong time XD
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May 2nd, 2008 at 10:57 am
*cringes*
Yeah, I’ve been there. Wrong thing said at the wrong time. And the worst moment is when you suddenly realized what the hell you just said.
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July 23rd, 2008 at 9:43 am
I can’t recall an example of me doing this in the service, but if someone was following me with a boom mic, I’m sure there’d be a couple of epic foot-in-mouths. I nearly had one at work recently, mind you: Somewhat heavy instructor says, “I want you…” (pause) Louder: “I want you…” He was thinking of an example problem for us to work through, right, but I somehow managed to avoid saying, “to get in mah belleh!” Yeah, that would have been bad.
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February 3rd, 2011 at 12:14 am
How is that NOT funny? I think that it was totally context-appropriate even if in slightly poor taste!
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March 5th, 2014 at 7:40 pm
Don’t feel too bad. I’ve gone the whole nine yards and bought a shirt that reads “WARNING! Mouth moves faster than brain”
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