Dare to keep kids off fanfic
To start off here are some facts about me.
As I have stated before, pills I make video games for a living. I design board games for fun. I read comic books. I have memorized most of the works of Monty Python. I have a few dozen characters on Warcraft. I regularly watch repeats of shows and movies that contain the word “Star”. I listen to Jonathan Coulton, cheap order the Aquabats, medical and Nerf Herder.
There is more.
I play a game, called “Warhammer” which essentially consists of adults playing with plastic army men. I have worked in technical theater. I wear glasses. I have worked at an Anime convention. I once guilt tripped a stripper into dancing to the “Underdog” theme. I worked in PSYOP. I own a copy of the Star Wars Christmas special. I have gone to Ren Faires, and even engaged in mock medieval warfare using foam rubber weapons.
In short, the cool ship set sail without me a long time ago. (And if you mentally added the words “In A Galaxy Far Far Away” you’re stranded right here on the dock with me.)
I am not saying these things to impress you. I’m pretty sure my fan base is at least 50% nerd, and I’m sure many of them could out-dork me with their eyes closed and one hand tied to a limited edition Optimus Prime which is still in the box.
I said these things to establish that I am speaking from a position of authority when I say:
These people make me look cooler than the Fonz, at the South Pole.
Not really sure what to say beyond that. I’m torn between being flattered and creeped out. On the one hand, I like the thought that they enjoy my writing that much.
But on the other hand, being used as the basis for fan fiction? That’s nerdy even for me.
In case there are any people reading this who do not know what fan fiction is, it is basically where an amateur author takes an existing set of material, usually a cartoon or science fiction product, and then writes about it in such a way as to destroy anything good about the original material.
I will further illustrate this with a badly conceived analogy to drug use.
Watching Star Wars is like getting drunk. Normal enough behavior provided that you don’t overdo it. Playing Dungeons and Dragons is like experimenting with pot in college. Less people have tried it, but still enough that you could be considered a normal human being.
Well following this analogy, writing fanfic is the equivalent of trading oral sex for crack, in a mens’s room. In a furry costume. I will now leave you with that mental picture, as I go and try to scrub it out of my brain.
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September 7th, 2007 at 7:03 am
Ok… you SO owe me a new keyboard for that last image…
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September 7th, 2007 at 8:42 am
Geek question – what Warhammer army do you play?
Also you should try Europe for medieval re-enactment rather than Ren Raires, they let us play with real (although blunt) swords, muskets and cannons with the odd trebuchet thrown in for good measure :)
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September 7th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Ack – you owe me some bleach and mental floss for that…
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September 7th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Oh dear…. does that time a bunch of us (in VERY weird moods!) were playing Dungeons & Dragons and kept accusing the wizard of using his power over animals to molest squirrels, count towards my nerdiness score? Or maybe that short-story I once wrote, the one with Kirk and Spock’s tragic deaths? Or….. maybe I’d better just go hide in my extensive sci-fi collection.
Don’t know if I want to check back with that bunch or not: they’re scary!
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September 7th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
!!!!!
And now I’m probably not quite as creeped out as you were when you found that, but almost.
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September 7th, 2007 at 8:24 pm
*lol* It’s not like they’re writing fan fiction about YOU. That would be creepy.
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September 8th, 2007 at 11:00 am
If you had added “I play Guitar Hero II at a master level” you would’ve described almost everyone of my guy-friends. I pretty much, myself as well. I believe, though, that I may have something stumbled upon something even nerdier than fan fic: One of my friends is writing his own RPG based on the Star Wars galaxy. It’s like the perfect storm of Geek.
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September 8th, 2007 at 11:02 am
I apologize for the bad grammer. I’m not quite used to my husband’s keyboard
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September 8th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
Not the worst image I’ve had today (writer Warren Ellis wins that one) but still pretty bad.
I don’t know what to say really… fanfiction is a level of creepy all it’s own. Much like roaches – if you’ve found one fanfic about you, there is probably a whole unholy collection out there. o.@
*Zoinks*
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September 8th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
I think you meant Girl’s bathroom, most GOOD fanfic is written by females. But then we fic writers (actually ALL fandom so that means YOU too – a Ren Faire is live action fan fiction – only difference is paper) are considered perverted in mainstream eyes.
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September 9th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Skippy, you just made me LOL so badly. My brain, however, may never recover from that analogy. How’m I supposed to write when you compare it to something like that?! LOL.
(Yes, I write fic. But mostly only as practice for original works, because it’s a good way to practice writing and get feedback for it. I freely admit that most of my fic is absolute crap. xD But I’m too much of a geek to stop. :D)
~Mara~
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September 9th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Hey! We fanfic writers may be doing the equivalent of trading sex for crack in the ladies room, but leave the furry suit out of it! :P
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September 10th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
Skippy, bad news: the worst is yet to come. The lowest common denominator of fanfic, whence all fanfic springs and where all fanfic ends up, is angst-ridden slash porn. Read nothing from that LJ community, or face descriptions of your torrid love affair with a commissioned officer.
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September 11th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
OK, you’re a nerd and you’re younger than me, so let me give you some “old guy” advice.
If it has “Livejournal” in the URL, it is shit. Looking at it will make you stupid faster than looking at the medusa turned old Greeks to stone. Livejournal is the Ozarks of the internet.
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September 11th, 2007 at 10:58 pm
Huzzah for the Aquabats!
But honestly, it would have been WAAAAY more creepy if they’d choosen to go the way of “slash fiction” instead of just the garden variety “fan fiction.” I’m sure somebody could have come up with a “partner” for ya ;)
Don’t know what slash fiction is? Here ya go… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slash_fiction
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September 13th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
I must respectfully disagree, TeratoMarty. The absolute Crème de la merde of fanfic has got to be the self-insertion fic. Particularly the all-powerful “GodMode” Mary Sue type of fanfic in which our author/hero manages to defeat and/or seduce all the most powerful/popular main characters singlehandedly. Blech.
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September 13th, 2007 at 10:45 pm
Comment by Evolving Squid
OK, you’re a nerd and you’re younger than me, so let me give you some “old guy” advice.
If it has “Livejournal” in the URL, it is shit. Looking at it will make you stupid faster than looking at the medusa turned old Greeks to stone. Livejournal is the Ozarks of the internet.
—
with one exception, Squid. Tom Smith has a Livjournal site. HALLELUJAH!
SOMEBODY SAY AMEN!
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September 14th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Zoot Sutra, you’re right: Mary Sue is the source of all fanfic. I was overstating my case; I just wanted to protect Skippy from the inestimable horror of seeing himself slashed with Major Frank Burns.
Also, I object to the assertion that LJ is rubbish. I have an LJ; my most recent posts are about my project of hotrodding vibrators so that they roar like a Harley with straight pipes. So there.
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September 14th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
That is possibly the most disturbing analogy I’ve ever heard. Sounds like something Silky Pony would do to top ‘Wide Stance’ craig.
I’m not going near those fanfics. *shudders*
A while back, I was stuck in a car with a three co-workers I’d just as soon not spend time with, listening to a station I could do without. Then, the talking heads started discussing some freaks getting sued because they made porn dressed up as kid’s show characters. Then they started talking about ‘furries’ and ‘plushies’ while the four of us listened going WTF?
It went downhill from there. By the time we got back, they were playing a parody of AC/DC: Dirty Deeds Done With Sheep.
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September 14th, 2007 at 6:23 pm
You’re not a true geek or gamer until you’ve discovered the natural high and joy that occurs when White Wolf Live Action Role Playing Games take your soul.
On the plus side, this givesme something to do while I fix internet problems for all the US Comcast services.
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September 14th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
Try to look at it as a compliment; people liked what you did enough to take the idea and play with it.
Also, I did a parody of Skippy’s List a while back and posted it online with credit; if you have a problem with it, I will remove it from the hosting site posthaste.
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September 16th, 2007 at 2:51 am
“Comment by Pax
Try to look at it as a compliment; people liked what you did enough to take the idea and play with it. ”
Stalkers operate on the same basic concept, except they deal with people instead of ideas. Not many people treat stalking as the compliment it is.
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September 16th, 2007 at 6:39 am
I hate to tell you this, but this stuff has been around for -years-. I originally found this site because so many people were excusing their stupidity with “Well, I got the idea from Skippy’s List” that I eventually came to find out what all the fuss was about. Imagine my surprise when this was actually really funny …
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September 20th, 2007 at 3:23 am
O_O How did you end up with the SW Christmas special?!? I’ve been looking for months
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September 20th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
I wish I could have been there to see the stripper dancing to the Underdog theme but also to hear how you guilt-tripped her.
I also have a copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special. I understand George Lucas is systematically hunting people like us down and killing us one-by-one to obtain and destroy the tapes. It’s interesting to see Harrison Ford barely able to contain his embarrassment at being a part of it in the few scenes that he’s in.
Along the same lines, Skippy, you should look into getting a bootleg of the 1994 Fantastic Four movie that was never released because it was so God-awful (even worse than the one they did release in 2005). Be sure to look for the scene where Alicia Masters is chloroformed, and the camera switches to her point-of-view to show the room going fuzzy then black (Alicia Masters is the Thing’s blind girlfriend).
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September 23rd, 2007 at 5:21 am
Friends don’t let friends fic around.
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September 25th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
>.
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September 25th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Sigh. What that meant to say was. I know one of those people. She’s …special.
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October 2nd, 2007 at 9:14 am
Just a question.
How would one go about writing a skippy fanfic.
Like seriously.
‘Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away..skippy went for a walk..?
Thats the point where you have to ask yourself ‘Is my existence really worth living?
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October 3rd, 2007 at 8:11 am
Not fair, Skippy. To use an analogy of my own: judging all fanfics by one or two or even five works is like judging the entire video game industry by the Grand Theft Auto series.
I freely admit that some fanfics are dreck. But there are good ones out there. You’ll just never see them if you don’t keep looking.
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October 4th, 2007 at 3:28 am
If its anything like the rest of LiveJournal communities, that’d be like wading waist deep in diarrhea in search of a handful of diamonds.
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October 6th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
I found this site through LiveJournal — a friend of mine has an LJ icon with the words “Pie Doesn’t Have Tentacles” on it. I googled the phrase and… here I am.
I just spent about an hour reading the first part of your list to my husband, who was in the infantry many years ago. He was the “funny guy” in his battalion, the one who made up recruiting jingles to the tune of the Nestles Quik song, the one who responded to a request for “oil can” with “Oil can what, Master Sargent?”
He particularly liked #23: Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
But I had to stop reading them at #101: I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon. He laughed so hard he turned red, doubled over, and nearly passed out.
Things Becky is Not Allowed to Do:
1. Read Skippy out loud.
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October 13th, 2007 at 9:32 am
Furry costume?
COUNT ME IN!
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October 14th, 2007 at 6:32 am
Quixotico, I’ve never read Livejournal, but fanfiction.net has some pretty good stuff.
At least, I think it has good stuff.
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October 14th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Join the SCA. You’d love it. Also, become a cadet to a white scarf. you will have no end of fun pranking said white scarf… or just become really good friends with a cadet… they’ll love you if you stay in their back pocket and give them ideas for pranks. =D
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October 23rd, 2007 at 7:25 am
I dunno… I find the guilt-tripping a stripper into dancing to the Underdog theme to be pushing the envelope of weird. And I read, write, and enjoy fanfic. Basically: There’s no such thing as normal, and you are NOT the baseline for what is weird and what isn’t.
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October 25th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Warhammer? Or Warhammer 40k? Cause I say there’s nothing like seeing 2000 points of hormagaunts pouring across a table.. *sigh* I miss those days.
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October 26th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
(glances at fanfiction.net with wide eyes) Wow. I didn’t know so many people were furry-suited mens room crack whores. Does this mean I have to go buy a furry suit before finishing my current fic?
Really, you are something of a cultural phenomenon, though it might be a bit of a shock to find out like this. Fanfiction is sort of inevitable in this case. Sorry to bruise your brain, Skippy. You know we love you.
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November 3rd, 2007 at 6:24 am
Trading oral sex for crack in a men’s room in a furry costume. Well here in DC that happens all the time; just take one former mayor and one soon-to-be former Senator from Montana!
Flurries and plushies? I confess, I’m a CSI first season original version geek, but that’s as geek as I get man; otherwise I’m pretty straight for a science nerd. I just can’t stand all that planned obsolescence Bill Gates has gotten rich off of.
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November 3rd, 2007 at 10:39 pm
Well, while most are complaining about the mental image you left us with, I don’t see what the fuss is. All you need to do is read so much disturbing crap that it doesn’t seem the WORST of the mentals you get.
Feel loved, you have fanfics based on you! that is the ultimate in being loved. Lol
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November 6th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
It’s a little bit flattering I suppose. After all, you are a bit of a cultural icon on teh intrawebs. And as someone said already, it could be a lot worse. Because someone could have written slash fiction. I mean….they have playing card slash fiction. A faux Skippy list is pretty harmless in the grand scheme of things. Because I have no doubts on the level of depravity fanfic writers can go.
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November 7th, 2007 at 7:41 am
In defense of fanfiction… there are some good fanfics out there, but they’re about books and TV shows, not comics and lists like this.
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November 10th, 2007 at 4:53 am
I adore your website, but I object to your hardlined position against fan fiction. Fan fiction is my escape from the stress of daily life and it bothers me how much negativity it gets. Don’t mind if you be more respectful before declaring that we “amateurs” destroy all things good in the original material. Sometimes it’s the “amateurs” that keep some good stuff alive. You just have to be lucky about the good things; they’re little gems in the sea of shit that’s really bad material written by high school girls with wish fulfillment dreams (Okay, I generalized. My bad).
Besides that, this is utterly hilarious, and you are utterly hilarious. Thanks for inspiring me to continue writing!
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November 11th, 2007 at 8:07 am
Skippy…… I only heard about your list via fanfiction. ;)
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November 13th, 2007 at 12:59 am
I heard about your list through fanfiction too. I’m a reader/writer…of slash… I’m in trouble
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November 14th, 2007 at 5:42 am
what is the star wars christmas special and why have i not heard of it!?
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November 18th, 2007 at 3:26 am
It’s for your own good. Trust me! TRUST ME!
You do *not* want to see the SW:HS
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November 19th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
Teratomarty,
“about my project of hotrodding vibrators so that they roar like a Harley with straight pipes.”
A Harley with Straight Pipes is nothing more than a 1000 pound Vibrator anyway, so why waste time hotrodding the cheap knock offs?
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November 28th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Ha. Fan fiction. Why? Why in the name of all we hold dear? There’s no reason for it. I’m entirely convinced it was used as some form of medieval torture. The fact that it didn’t exist then simply attests to the fact that it is so heinous and immoral, it is able to bend the fourth dimension through the fifth and exist at all times. Makes me want to punch a baby.
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December 1st, 2007 at 2:04 am
Heinous and immoral?! I’d certainly like to hear some evidence for that argument. For your information, fanfiction exists at all levels of possible quality and is almost certainly written by at least one person who shares your moral code.
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December 1st, 2007 at 9:48 pm
I have an LJ… I write fanfiction… :( I must admit that I’m just a HP Junkie though… and it’s about as nerdy as I get… :(
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December 3rd, 2007 at 6:20 am
Your not the only nerd, I have played WoW, play WWII online, saving up to play Star Wars Galaxys, and Final Fantasy Online, played Earth and Beyond when it was out (RIP E&B) have over 100 different video games on PC and 7 different systems (including a working Virtual Boy). I have gone to Anime conventions in costume (last one as Lyserg where I won a Halo tournament, next one as Tsukasa from the .Hack series). I also do some Medieval reenactment WWII reenactment. I also wear glasses. I could go on for a very long time… but I wont.
Suffice to say, not only did I miss the cool ship, I don’t think it ever entered the port I happened to be in. Nor do I think it even happened to be in my galaxy.
Nerds Unite!
Nie!
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December 7th, 2007 at 6:43 am
Skippy…you play warhammer? 40k or fantasy? did you play at the hobbit?
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December 15th, 2007 at 8:44 am
Henious. Immoral.
My sole example:
Kidde pron. Loads of it.
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December 16th, 2007 at 1:16 am
Yeah, you do have a point…
On the other hand though, I write fanfic on FFN using the same name I post here with, and I have NEVER written anything involving minors. Sure, I do moral relativism, and the occasional atrocious pun, but I have never written (or seen for that matter) kid porn fanfic. If it were prevalent enough to base a moral judgement on ALL fanfic on that, I certainly would have seen some by now!
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December 16th, 2007 at 9:33 am
I do consider myself a bit of a nerd. I write fanfiction. I haven’t written anything in a while, but I have written Harry otter fanfiction. I don’t really see a problem with it, unless you’re making money off of someone else’s characters, or you begin to think you are a character in the story, or you think the characters are real. Writing it because you’re a fan and think, for example, “I wonder how Arthur and Molly Weasley met. Maybe I’ll write about it.” is fine. Writing, for example, “I want to date Ron, so I’m going to write a fanfic where Hermione gets hit by the knight bus and dies, and Ron starts dating me OMG LAWLZ!!!!” is fucking retarded, and you need to get a life.
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December 31st, 2007 at 7:59 pm
I found Skippy about 3 or 4 website updates ago (that’s 5 years for those that have not been around) The test of a true work of comic writting is no matter how many times I read it I still laugh as hard as the first time! Love the new site and excited to see the game that was just in it’s infancy is doing well as are you. Also a thanks for turning us on to Operation Military Pride we have had a great experiance writeing and sending goodies to our adopted K9 units over the years and if you can add Helpingudders.com to your good people list this wonderful ex marine sends cool vests to K9 teams deployed.
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December 31st, 2007 at 9:09 pm
I’ll admit that I used to (and occasionally still do) read fanfic, and even wrote some a long time ago. It isn’t that bad…it’s actually how I discovered this list. It was parodied in a Harry Potter fic…
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January 2nd, 2008 at 7:56 pm
But what if I don’t want to scrub it out of my mind?
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January 2nd, 2008 at 7:57 pm
(By the way, I’m not saying i don’t!)
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January 5th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Countryside: 2007 is making its…
The old yellowed columns have been saved and filed away in my cabinet. They are fascinating to read. They are…
January 7th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Yeah skippy, geekiness gets lots worse than fanfic. I’m a fan of multiple anime (FLCL, Excel Saga and Eureka 7 being among the wierdest), I think I mentioned that I do fanfic, I write computer code for fun, and I play D&D every weekday during lunch. And I know people who are FAR geekier than I am.
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January 8th, 2008 at 5:50 am
So, I need to wear my Kouga costume while writing? *pet’s furry kilt. Hides naughty comics* And I don’t need to worry about the cool ship. That sucker completely missed me! Never saw it.
And I love conventions. Yay for Nekocon! Besides, you know what they say. Geeks and Nerds will rule the Earth. We’re the smart ones.
You have the SW Christmas Special? And your brain hasn’t leaked out of your ears yet? Stronger man then me then.
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January 8th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Sidhe, how old are you? D&D? There are way better systems out there! Check out Rolemaster Classic, or even GURPS. D&D… sigh.
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January 8th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Generic Destinies is a pretty good open-source system.
http://www.freewebs.com/fatealerion/gd/gdsetup.htm
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January 11th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
oh crap where is the brain floss I need to clean all the little nooks and crannies of my brain. do we have any brain paste I need to make my brain wintery fresh ya’ll have hurt my little combobulater real bad. the bad part is I understood everything and still have that icky face on
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January 14th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Intrestingly enough, that isn’t all that your list has inspired. Google “Things I am no longer allowed to do at Hogwarts” for the complete Harry Potter version of this. Several of them resemble the ones that you wrote, but they’ve been brnceing out as well.
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January 18th, 2008 at 4:05 am
I found this website through FanFiction and I’m kinda depressed at what you say Skippy, I know there is quite a few fanfic writers that dont meet incredibly high standards. (I’m probably one of them.) And I know that alot of what is up there is crack, but please keep in mind that there are quite a few authors that started their roots in the fanfiction communitys. My girlfriend Jay’ is one of the best writers out on the FanFiction scene, what people say about LJ is also another thing that depresses me. LJ isnt all PWP (porn without plot) in fact most of it is well written work. Now if you excuse me I need to go work on a crack fic to lighten my mood…
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February 2nd, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Rule 34 of the internet.
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February 6th, 2008 at 5:53 am
I had hear of the Skippy list before but only actually read it due to a story on fanfiction.net. A Stargate SG-1 story called “Things SG-1 is no longer allowed to do.” I think many of ff.nets stories are hilarious and find reading continuations of my favorite series to be a wonderful way to defrag after work. I have also gotten the inspiration for some amazing pranks off of the fanfics I have read. *I brought plenty of glitter but I’m not sure I have enough glue* ;D
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February 10th, 2008 at 4:56 am
17, why do you ask?
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February 18th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Dear God! Now I have the half-formed idea of Skippy dressed as squid/furry slashfic tearing through my brain pan like a 22 slug. Who would they pair you with? All I can think of are the real people I know like…PapaBear?!? NoNoNoNonooooooooooo ARGH! The pain…the pain…
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February 20th, 2008 at 5:07 am
well now I’m a little embarrassed… I used to write fanfiction and still happily read as much of it as I can… worse off I feel kinda weird that being in a men’s bathroom giving a blowjob or eating someone out is something I would do and the fact I am indeed a furry makes it all that much more hillarious… granted I would never do it for crack, maybe for some manga or the joy of good old fashioned exibitionism
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March 26th, 2008 at 7:31 am
I collect Tinkerbell stuff to the point that i have child toys that are unopened cuz they’re tinkerbell and i don’t want to use them. I have a WoW account and i play D&D on occasion if the mood strikes. I boarded this geek train willingly. My husband is a good sport about the tink stuff and even wears it to the store when he doesn’t want to get dressed and even got a tinkerbell tattoo for me. So yeah i am one huge geek.
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March 26th, 2008 at 7:32 am
I collect Tinkerbell stuff to the point that i have child toys that are unopened cuz they’re tinkerbell and i don’t want to use them. I have a WoW account and i play D&D on occasion if the mood strikes. I boarded this geek train willingly. My husband is a good sport about the tink stuff and even wears it to the store when he doesn’t want to get dressed and even got a tinkerbell tattoo for me. So yeah i am one huge geek. and i like it that way.
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November 30th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
I BESTOW UPON THEE THY NEW THEME SONG!!!
[i]White and Nerdy[/i] by Weird Al
It used to be mine, but I think you are far more deserving of the honor.
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January 25th, 2011 at 12:11 am
PLEASE–I have read at least four good or at least decent fan fictions in my lifetime so far: at least one long Star Wars one on TheForce.Net; at least one short DragonBall Z one on a website the name of which I forget (but which I think is linked to TempleOTrunks.Com); at least one medium DragonBall Z one on another site the name of which I forgot (same annotation); and at least one short or medium Sonic one on NetRaptor.Org.
(By the way, I would recommend such sites.)
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