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I’m Not Actually Sorry

August 12th, 2007 by skippy

So, anesthetist a few days ago I was on the radio. If anyone was wondering how being interviewed on the radio goes I will now break it down for you. First, online a producer gets a hold of you and sets up an appointment. In this case, no rx it involves me getting up really early. No problem, I’ll get up early for something like this.

First, I spent the night before, freaking out. I am not used to being on the air or in front of people, and I am not entirely comfortable with it. I more or less spent the previous evening going, “Omigod I’m gonna be on a nationally syndicated radio program! What was I thinking? What if I say something he disagrees with and we get into an argument? I have to get up in four hours to do this, why can’t I fall asleep? AAAAAUUUUUUGGHHH!”

I was told the interview would take 10 to 15 minutes. I had assumed that this meant that I would be speaking to Mancow for fifteen minutes. Not so, evidently. Real, actual celebrities get 10-15 minutes on the air.

I am not a real, actual celebrity. I am a C-List internet celebrity. It’s kind of like being famous, but without the recognition, respect, money or groupies.

So the 10-15 minutes actually turned out to be mostly being on hold. Eventually I was introduced and Mancow suggested that I needed a more hardcore sounding Army nickname. Like “Thug Nuts”.

“Well as soon as I become a 14-year-old Insane Clown Posse fanboy, and coincidentally start accepting nickname advice from a dude called “Mancow”, I’ll get right on that”, is what I thought but did not say. (Since leaving the Army, I have acquired the “Don’t say every thought that comes into your head” skill.)

Seriously….Mancow? It sounds like a pudgy “jail –girlfriend” in a prison movie. The kind that gets traded for half a menthol instead of a whole carton of smokes.

Not that Mancow has any pressing reason to take nickname advice from a dude called “Skippy”. I’m just saying…

What I actually said was, “(Fake laugh) I’ll try but I don’t think people will start calling me that.”

And then we went to commercial.

After the commercial break he asked me about my list. I told him what it was, and told him number 84. (Don’t use military vehicles to squish things.) I explained the story quickly. He mentioned that his favorite was number 29 (The Irish MP’s one). And I got to tell a very quick version of that story. (I did not get to do it justice).

He seemed to think that the Army doesn’t like my site and wanted it shut down. I told him that 99% of the email and comments I get are positive. He pretty much lost interest in me at this point, total time on air: maybe two minutes.

I have no idea if that’s considered a good amount of time, or practically nothing, as far as radio interviews go.

On an interesting note a few days before the interview when it was being set up, his producer mentioned that the military was trying to use my name for recruitment.

She went on to say that if someone mistyped the name of my site, they’d get a recruitment site. Well I tried it out. Turns out it’s just a domain squatter.

This actually excited me more than the radio show did. Someone out there thinks my site is significant enough to try to siphon money off of it.

In the C-List Internet Celebrity world, domain squatters are the equivalent of paparazzi. Which would makes me the internet comedy equivalent of Paris Hilton. This is where this analogy goes horribly wrong and must be stopped. Preferably before you get a mental picture of me stepping out of a limo without underwear.

Too late, and I’m very sorry for that.

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13 Responses to “I’m Not Actually Sorry”

  1. Dave Van Domelen Says:

    Yeah, how dare you not provide juicy Intertube Dramaz for Mancow!


  2. Christy Says:

    Hey, Skip…or SPC Schwartz….(I’ve probably spelled that wrong),

    I actually heard your “interview” on Mancow. My initial thought was “Hey! It’s the guy from the website I use to decompress when my job pisses me off! This will be kickass! I’m glad he’s getting some recognition.”

    But, to put it mildly…the interview sucked. Not that it was YOUR fault. It might’ve had something to do with the amount of times you were interrupted, talked over and generally made to sound like a dumbass by the host. Don’t get me wrong, I like the show itself…but the interviews all pretty much go that direction. No one goes on that show for the quality of the interview. It’s really more a matter of “yeah, I’ve been on that show.”

    As far as the list goes, well, it was good publicity. But a RADIO interview couldn’t possibly do Skippy’s List justice. Not to mention the fact that, unless the listener is in or is a vet, the jokes will pretty much go over the listener’s heads.

    Have you been on AKO to check out your “extended list” in the forums? If not, you ought to. It’s pretty hilarious. You have a pretty dedicated following there.

    Have a great….whatever. And I hope you get some better publicity. The Army still loves your list.

    SGT P


  3. ASM826 Says:

    So, um, if you WERE getting out of a limo without underwear, would you be wearing a skirt? Because the mental picture I had put you in blue jeans and I had no idea you were going commando.


  4. Strings Says:

    Dude… I did NOT need to think of you going commando. You owe me $19.95 for the mental Drano!


  5. Devil's Advocate Says:

    Where can I download the home made video that you made but don’t want anyone to see but ended up being “accidentially” leaked onto the internet?

    I’ve tried YouTube and the closest thing I got was Lindsay “Lesbian” Lohan.

    P.S: It’s not worth waiting for the download.


  6. Daniel Says:

    #3 Well he could be wearing that fruit roll up kilt.


  7. Marina Says:

    #6 Or the tutu.


    Signalist reply on July 11th, 2012 4:14 pm:

    thanks for THAT mental image.


  8. Speck Says:

    The sad thing is, I’ve dealt with civilian Radio.. and the one way to make sure you’re on the air, is to “piss off” the host. That causes Mr./Mrs. High-And-Mighty RadioHost get off their high horse and stand up for themselves in front of their (as they see it) loyal listening fanbase. Sad thing is, if the fans are loyal, the hosts don’t have to say anything, just laugh. But it’s still fun to get them to the point where they take you aside off the air and give you “a stern talking to, little mister!” It’s like being 5 and caught with your hand in the cookie jar. And you’ll get actual airtime because most Civvy radio producers know “listeners love this stuff!”


  9. Captainbaldy Says:

    Don’t worry about how you sounded, because no one heard it anyway. Man-douche is a hack.


  10. Hobie Says:

    Mancow sucks because he can’t keep his train of thought on the tracks. Also, you shouldn’t always keep your thoughts to yourself…


  11. Jama Says:

    If you were getting out of a limo without underwear I should hope you were wearing a kilt. That would make the exercise esthetically and culturally instructive, and go far to relieve the aggravation of dealing with a fraud such as Mancow. By the way, isn’t that name “Mancow” reminiscent of “the vile and detestable crime against nature” ?


    Snyarhedir reply on January 24th, 2011 1:35 pm:

    You are so right about that “Mancow” thing! (Of course, had I not read Inferno, I might not know what you meant by “crime against nature”.)


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