Friends of Skippy
By Skippy’s Fans (All items are unedited.)
(Submitted by Mike Kula)
- Laxative is not to be liquified and injected into the LT’s jelly via small syringe.
- Porno magazines are not the proper FM’s to show your PLT SGT/OC.
- Cherry privates are not to check for soft spots in armor or get exhaust samples.
- Rangers are not to be refered to as the guys in the funny black hats (tan hats now).
- The LT is not “my bitch”.
- CID is not to be refered to as “the crookedest motherfuckers in the division”.
- Privates are not to be told about their MRE’s “chicken and rice huh, one time I found a beak in mine”.
- Beef frankfurters are not “baby dicks or Iraqi fingers”.
- When a SAS member says “I need a fag”, you are not to say “You sick bastard I thought you guys were real men!”
- When waiting for everyone to turn sensitive items and be released from the unit after returning from the woods thou shall not say “Has anyone seen my (choose)bolt/bayonet/weapon/nods/pluggers/pyro?”
(Submitted by Greg Kinney)
- Do not attempt to shave with fire.
- Do not throw snowballs at helicopters- if you do, do not hit the windscreen.
- Playing ‘Commander Pinball’ in the hatch of a 113 can only be won if you render him unconscious. He should not be aware of this rule.
- The point of raking dirt in front of the HQ building is to teach you the error of your ways- not to create a zen
(Submitted by Candace Karner)
- Your rifle may not be set to stun.
(Submitted by Dan Zelman)
- Olde English is not appropriate for any military form or document.
(Submitted by Mike Cabera)
- At the grenade launcher range, do not yell “M-203, I choose you!”
(Submitted by Lester Nielson)
- Do not challenge SERE grads to play hide-and-seek.
(Submitted by Dan Davis)
- May not conduct live fire exercises at the general’s (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked as
“Live Fire Zone”.
- Do not glue magnets to LT’s compass’s.
- Must not get CO a subscription to gay porn.
- Do not leave cat food under CO’s hammock.
(Submitted by Alex Bailleul)
- Left-handed torque wrenches do not exist.
(Submitted by Abram Lister)
- Toy guns during a heightened state of alert/national crisis tend to overexcite security personnel. Particularly when
they are in the process of breaching your room.
- “.50 caliber machineguns, M1A1 Abrams tanks, destroyers, Chinese hookers, and small guys named Bob to take care of our vehicles” cannot be purchased on the OPTAR. One must route a special request chit first.
- All special request chits require a written clarification as to why the item is desired.
- In order to ensure smooth transition of a special request chit, it is best to advice your chain of command verbally
before you attempt to order a $47,000 tank.
- Especially when you are a naval unit.
- If you are going to take your military vehicle into the local herd of livestock, it is critical to do as much damage
as is conceivable. Remember, less than 6 is your fault. More than 6 is the herders fault, and if there was a fence
in the way it doesn’t mean jack shit to a military tribunal. Screaming “Kill them all and let God sort them out” while executing 28 is acceptable. Most herders don’t speak English anyway.
- Whenever the phrase “Is this crap flammable?” is heard, RUN. 9 for 10, the source of that phrase already has their zippo burning and is finding out.
- Advising the gate guard that you left your thermonuclear warhead in your other backpack is never a good idea.
- Apparently, dereliction of duty cannot only be interpreted by the one who’s derelicting their duty. Seems EVERYONE has an opinion they need to share when this happens. I mean, if you don’t KNOW what your duty is, how can you be derelict in it?
- BAH/OHA can only be authorized for places of RESIDENCE. The address of the local bar is not valid for OHA/BAH purposes. Even if the owner will cut you a lease.
- The greatest weapon we can inflict on the enemy is NOT dropping a schoolbus full of retarded children on them.
- Combining blanks and cleaning rods in the M16A2 rifle is not an acceptable means of acquiring “meat for the tribe.” It
should be noted it’s a bitch unpinning a squirrel from a tree and you NEVER get your cleaning rod back.
- Scorpions should never be sources of gambling, regardless of how cool it is when you trap two in an M-60 ammo can and let them fight it out to the death UFC style.
- Specifically related to the above, betting on anything but the little clear guy makes you by default either a LOSER or a MARINE.
related to the above, once you realize that the little clear guy is obviously the most deadly of the scorpions indigenous to the Middle East, carrying a “winner” around on your shoulder as a parrot is not a bright idea.
- It is advisable to LEARN to drive a vehicle, before claiming to be able to do so. Particularly in the case of anything
that can achieve flight.
- Gonasyphaherpaloids is not a real disease.
(Submitted by Rlyoun)
- Voices in your head do not constitute lawful orders.
- Do not try to mind-meld with your 1SG.
- Do not attempt to place subliminal messages on the power point slides.
- Grenades are not kept in the company refrigerator and they do not spoil over time if not used after they come out of the container.
- Never require the host nation personnel to refer to you as “sire”. And do not have the interpreter refer to you as “excellency”.
- Indigeneous personnel are not required to kneel before you.
- “Pax Americana” is not a proper slogan for any deployment OCONUS.
- “Rape, kill, pillage, and burn” are not annexes to the OPORD.
- Pillaging is not an operational phase.
(Submitted by Gensuke Farseer)
- American soldiers do not “consume the flesh of their fallen enemies to gain their strength.”
(Submitted by J. Lidman)
- Do not attempt to communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
(Submitted by Scott Hintze)
- Not allowed to use 27 packs of post it notes to label everything in the barracks so the General won’t have any questions during the inspection.
- “I was cold” is a bad reason to be in the female barracks.
- The cord on the blinds can not be used to rappel. (See above.)
- Not allowed to use an e-tool on the golf course.
- Cutting the uppers and lowers of CMSG rank doesn’t make you a Command Private Major.
- Temporary insanity is not a good excuse for missing PT.
- Do not throw up during PT, no mater how much Tequila was
- Do not use chemlights to mark a runway for the aliens.
(Submitted by Daniel Ingram)
- Never tell a military pilot “There’s not enough room to fly under that!“, unless you want him to try.
- Do not yell “Fire in the hole!” while your buddies are handling live ordinance, no matter how funny the look on their
- Trading C-rats for cigarettes and beer is not “Building host-nations relations.”
- One should not enter the words “Gross Stupidity” in a military flight/maintenance log. Same goes for “Pilot Malfunction”.
- Telling paratroopers that “only fools jump out of perfectly good airplanes” just makes them mad. Explaining why only makes it worse.
(Submitted by Krista)
- When ordering supplies, “buttload”, “assload”, “shitload”, “a little bit”, or “whatever you feel like giving me”,
are not numbers.
- Do not mix fake fangs and dress inspections.
- Do not run up to refueling helicopters with a squeegee and a bucket, and ask for a dollar to wash their windows.
- Do not say “Oops” when working with explosives, just to be funny.
- It’s funny when Robin Williams speaks only in acronyms. It’s not when we do it.
(Submitted by Michael Nichols)
- Do not put decaf in the 1SG’s coffee pot.
- Halon fire suppression systems do not need “Live testing”.
- Knocking down targets with snowballs on the 9mm range is not helping.
- CS grenades should not be used to mark drop zones.
(Submitted by Kelle Luoma)
- Do not transport lingerie in open containers.
- The morgue is not for storing beer.
- A coffin is not a footlocker.
- If it’s shaped like a coffin, then it’s a coffin, dammit.
- Not allowed to pole dance while on fire guard.
- Do not make bikinis out of military supplies.
(Submitted By SSG Lorraine A. Morrison)
- Do not order boot MP’s to take a larceny report from MSG Ramen at the commissary. They will wander around for hours before they realize that MSG Ramen is a soup
- Do not send buck privates to the motor pool for one gallon of frequency grease.
(Submitted By Brian Hunter)
- Not allowed to label flu season tissues as biological warfare agents.
- Must not label the Texas Chili MRE as chemical warfare.
- Even if it could be used as such.
- Not allowed to start a music act called Run-DMZ.
(Submitted By Chris Jacka)
- Bright colored g-strings are not an acceptable form of underwear for a layout before a FTX.
- It is also not advised to then take said garments on said FTX and come out of the tent while snowed in wearing only a watch cap, boots and silver g-string and run around the mortar.
- Lastly, NEVER, EVER, greet the new E-3 fresh from the Ranger Battalion while wearing a gold g-string and combat boots and gently ask him if he needs anything.
(Submitted By Jessica Hoeting)
- I’m not a ninja, and they CAN see me
(Submitted By CPL Ian Yee -Who was a very busy lad)
- Hedonism is not an army authorized religion. Therefore I’m not allowed to build a church, cult, or donation box for the Church of Hedonism. Nor can I be the chaplain of said church.
- “Surprise Sex” or “Ambush Sex” is not a valid substitute for the phrase “sexual assault”.
- “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” is the army’s policy for gays, not an appropriate response when asked by your chain of command why you showed up to formation in your underwear.
- You may not refer to members of your chain of command as the “weakest link”.
- You also may not hold a vote to decide which member of your chain of command you can “boot off the island”.
- CLP is used to lubricate weapons. Not for personal use.
- The Air Force is a service, not how hard you blow up your inflatable “significant other”.
- Your dog does not count as immediate family, therefore you cannot use that as a reason to go home on emergency leave.
- Do not bang the bottom of a Mk 19 round and attempt to play football with it.
- Especially in front of your chain of command.
- Especially when you’re throwing it to your chain of command.
- “Hooyah Master Chief” is not an appropriate way to respond to any army officer.
- Work is not a valid allergy to put on your medical records. Neither is BS, officers, NCO’s, or latrine duty.
- Just because you say you’re allergic to latrines does not give you permission to piss anywhere you want. The Sergeant Major’s flower bed thanks you.
- Do not try to speed in your humvee and use the excuse “I needed to go 88 mph to achieve 1.21 jiggawatts Sir!”
- You may not combine any part of the uniform at any time. Therefore shower shoes, pt shorts, IBA, and beret is not an acceptable duty uniform. No matter how sexy you say you look.
- MySpace is a place for friends, not for posting guard rosters or passing out information to your soldiers.
- It is not appropriate to say the word “asshole” after saying the rank of sergeant major.
- The OPFOR patch is not an authorized combat patch.
- I will not hand out tickets for driving the speed limit.
- I will not replace the COL PARKING ONLY sign with a SPC PARKING ONLY sign.
- Just because you put a handicapped sticker on your humvee doesn’t mean you can take the C.O.’s spot.
- Do not replace all the contents of the first aid kits with water and Motrin.
- CamelBaks are for water, not beer.
- Not everyone in the Navy is called Seamen.
- Also, the proper spelling of Seamen is not semen.
- There is no such thing as Specialist grade article 15’s, so stop handing them out.
- You cannot trade guard shifts with the voices in your head.
- You cannot request Amsterdam, Cancun, or the Playboy Mansion as your preferred duty station.
- Checking out a female is not called “Reconnaissance of friendly lines”.(Submitted By Robert W. Ray)
- Do not antagonize Airborne troops by having the local radio station dedicate “Raspberry Beret” to them on the Lunch Dedication Show.
- Do not explain the theft of MREs as trying to improve company morale by removing the bad choices.
- Do not use Mountain Dew bottles as a piss bottle on an FTX, then put them in the snow as if you were chilling them for drinks later.
- Do not, under any circumstances, confuse the aforementioned bottles with the ones you were actually chilling.
(Submitted By Ryan Simmons)
- The American Navy does not make port visits to rape and pillage.
- Request chits saying, “Respectfully requesting a bullet to the head.” will always be denied.
- I am not allowed to force any other sailor into a straight jacket.
- I am not allowed to tempt someone into a straight jacket to see if they can get out while they are logged onto a command pc, and then write love emails on their account to other sailors while they frantically try to turn off the computer by kicking it.
- I’m not allowed to blurt out “Holy shit!” over the com line while I am working on a multi-million dollar component of mission critical equipment that everyone is hoping I can fix.
- I am not allowed to ask Canadian sailors if they have aquatic sleds for small boat operations.
- I am not allowed to tell foreigners, “At least you smell better than the French.” while in uniform.
- I am not allowed to eat so many carrots that my skin turns orange and then sing the Oompa Loompa song in formation.
- The sound of the Phalanx anti-missile defense system going off is not just a way to alert the crew that the ship is about to sink.
- I’m not allowed to take pictures of various crew members vomiting after a night of drinking and then post it on the command website.
- I’m not allowed to run away from the XO.
(Submitted By Reggie Taylor)
- Sponge Bob Square Pants is not a proper cadence for marching
- Especially when a Command Sergeant Major is nearby
(Submitted By Brandon Harmon)
- Not permitted to release ducks into the barracks.
(Submitted By Hector Rojasalvarado)
- Not allowed to borrow gear from the army barracks for “White Trash Drinking Day”
- Rojas isn’t allowed to take “1400 Siestas” because he says he’s ‘Latino”
- We aren’t allowed to have “DVDA Auditions” at the barracks anymore.
- Rojas is not allowed to talk about DVDA anymore.
- We aren’t allowed to fortify the barracks for the upcoming “Zombie Invasion”
- Can’t list Chuck Norris facts on the morning briefs.
- Not allowed to take reporters from London to interview hookers on hooker hill.
(Submitted By Garret Harvey)
- Do not put in a special request chit for admiral’s pay and when asked why say it was so you could afford the “good” hookers.
- Do not go to a bar and ask if they take ration cards.
(Submitted By SGT B)
- When having to go through DECON, using a sharpie to draw the “Kilroy was Here” face at my belt line is not the best idea.
- *Nor is “Property of 1SG” with arrows to my nipples.
- Not allowed to urinate messages onto the ground so they may be seen by the pilots above using thermal imaging.
- Must not use the pamphlet printer to make “Wet Burka Night with 1/2 off Chai” posters.
- I will not use the excuse “Dont worry I saw it on The Unit”.
- A little guy plus a KPOT does not constitute a “breaching tool”.
(Submitted By Don Gulas)
- My buddy was spontaneously ordered not to retrieve his scorpion from the fight when it was losing—badly—.
- Shooting the platoon sergeant after being given the order to kill them all is bad (thank the pentagon for MILES gear Mr. Platoon SGT!)
- Asking the Mess Daddy for an MRE (while in the chow line) does not make him smile. It has been know to ruin you first hot meal in 2 weeks.
- Tankers do not drive like Miss Daisey (no matter what you see).
- Inverting a Soldiers name and title just so you can call him “Sweet Seaman” is not an official name change. It MUST be on a DA Form 4187 and approved by the commander first.
- You should not be present when the commander receives said 4187, and do not try to offer any explanation at the time of questioning.
(Submitted By SPC Jason Greco)
- Not allowed to order chloroform
- Not allowed to cut a lock because I’m too lazy to walk back and get the key
- I am not a Government Slave
- Not allowed to use privates to test the validity of an MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet)
- I should not barricade my Platoon SGT’s door with water bottles.
- No longer allowed to refer to Marines as “Targets”
- No longer allowed to call a deployment a “Field Trip”
- Hitting another soldier with a frozen fish in the Commissary will get you kicked out
- No longer allowed to tag things with the phrase “Army Smart”
- I am not allowed in areas that require a security clearance, even if I have one
- Not allowed to claim a crowbar as my weapon
- Not allowed to use military vehicles for an “Ice cream run”
- It is optional to participate in “Man Love Thursday” if you are higher ranking than I am
- I am not the juggernaut
- I am required to wear underwear to PT formation
- Not allowed to build anything without supervision
- Not allowed to order prosthetic testicles
- Not allowed to order things “just because I want one”
- Not allowed to run a sex toy business while deployed
- Not allowed to wear a cape to work
- Black Hawk mechanics are not “crash test dummies”
- The other 0.1% do not work here
- Snowball fights are not authorized on the flight line
- Not allowed to buy anyone, especially Local Nationals.
- I should not test how sharp my knife is on living things
- “I can find things to do” is not the correct response when asked what I’m doing
- Not allowed to shoot cigarettes out of soldier’s mouths
- Mardi Gras beads are not allowed in the Dining Facility
- No longer allowed to wear a cape while driving a convertible military vehicle
- My kevlar is not a pimp hat and I’m not allowed to put a feather in it
- A $1000 piece of equipment does not make a good ash tray
- Mohawks are not authorized haircuts
- I am not allowed to boycott our CSM
- Not allowed to attach mullet wigs to hard hats with super glue
- Not allowed to order a new aircraft from supply, even if the one on the flight line is broken
- “Playboy: The Mansion” is not an authorized military program
- Not allowed to build a statue of myself using Government resources.
- Not allowed to replace my rifle with a baseball bat, even if it does have the same serial number, butt number, a sling and a magazine attached to it.
(Submitted by SPC Jeremy Johnson)
- Not allowed to tell my LT “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re just a Lieutenant!” (Note that this never actually stopped me)
- Not allowed to remove computer equipment to install a microwave in the shelter.
- Not allowed to remove computer equipment to install a mini-fridge in the shelter.
- Not allowed to install an X-Box in the shelter.
- Not even if I give the LT a turn.
- Not allowed to convert my Humvee into a Pirate Ship.
- Not allowed to ‘just’ fly a Jolly Roger from the antenna mount.
- Not allowed to slash the tires of Vehicles that park in my spot.
- Even if they belong to other units.
- Especially if they belong to another Country.
- Not allowed to exchange my M16 for a Pistol, “Because it’ll be more fun.”
- Not allowed to Exchange my M16 for a shotgun, “Because all the cool kids have one.”
- Not allowed to exchange my M16 for a Sub-Machine Gun.
- Ok, I can, but only if I can find one for the commander too.
- Not allowed to shoot at Civilian Contractors in Suburbans if they’re tailgating me. That job belongs to the LT. (True story, don’t ever give that guy the finger)
(Submitted By Joshua Nolan)
- Cannot ride a quad-barreled APC designated for the Iraqi Army like a rodeo star.
- The answer “You might.” is not consent to attempt to jump a 3 foot sand berm in an 18-wheeler after running over the “DO NOT ENTER” sign.
- Cannot attempt to jump anything in an 18-wheeler.
- Dr Pepper is not basic pyro issue.
- Cannot start a pillw fight on an airliner and blame PTSD.
(Submitted by Kyle Harth)
- Wearing donated women’s clothing, in the G-1 shop, does not make them process your OPFUND paperwork faster.
- It is not acceptable to get smashed at the local guest house, sharing land navigation point numbers, while you are supposed to be in the woods.
- Soldiers are not allowed to cut open artillery simulators and ignite the piles of gunpowder.
- Throwing disposable lighters into the fire barrels is not the correct way to get a better position for warming up.
- When forced to go to AA, after your Field Grade Article 15, it is not appropriate to say, “Because of my alcohol related incident, I don’t drink anymore…I don’t drink any less, either!” (Although this will ensure that you don’t have to go to anymore of those stupid meetings.)
- “Get the %#@* out of my HMMWV, or I will tie you to it and drag you behind”, is not the correct way to deal with journalists in a combat zone.
- Mowing the letters “FTA” into the grass while on Extra Duty is not appreciated by the CSM.
- Burning giant bales of marijuana is not the correct way to keep warm after destroying a warlord’s compound.
- Running from the MPs, while wearing togas and laying down a “smoke screen” with a stolen fire extinguisher, out the window of your vehicle, is not authorized.
- Hawaiian shirts, baseball hats, and shorts are not appropriate attire, when manning the MK-19, during a rocket launch site recon.
- Utilizing the PT route to race your friends home drunk in your “blacked out” POV, is usually frowned upon by the MPs and your Command Staff.
- Servicemembers are not allowed to request to use the breathalyser at the MP station to “see who knows how to party”.
- Especially if you’re driving.
- Even if you tell them it’s OK to arrest all of you so that you can blow.
- CS grenades are not to be used in European basement clubs.
- CS powder is not to be sprinkled on the top of your neighbor’s barracks room door then gently closed and re-locked with the keys you stole from the CQ.
- Stealing a few pieces to the CSM’s 2000 piece puzzle every time you are called into the OPS Center is awesome. But only if you are not caught.
- Soldier’s shall not steal the Commander’s vehicle and go to WVU for a night of drinking. Even if when you get there, several other Teams are there in a stolen 2 ½ Ton.
- Airborne operations are not to be performed while still intoxicated from the night before. They are especially not to be done in tandem with your other “E-4 Mafia” brother’s, consecutively, for several years.
- The Army did not send you to 13 months of medical training so that you could refer to IV’s and Oxygen as “Hangover Helpers”, and live your life through “better chemistry”.
- While it’s an awesome way to save money, you are still considered a thief if you are caught using a stolen ladder to swipe the Scout Platoon’s beer from the second story windowsills during “outdoor beer season”.
- “Survival Training” is not an appropriate response when caught shooting wild game with a cleaning rod and blanks.
- AR 670-1 does not (apparently) allow for the BDU trousers to be worn tucked into your snake skin cowboy boots. (Even if you lost a bet because your buddy drank piss from said boots.)
- While assigned to (or visiting) Camp Vance, you are not allowed to dress in drag, and pose for “The Men of Man-Love Thursday” calendar.
- During training exercises, machine-guns cannot be abandoned because they are too heavy to E&E with…even if you remove the firing pins and take them with you.
- It is illegal to call your car in stolen after you have abandoned it off-post, after running from the MPs, and taking out a large section of perimeter fence.
- Golf Carts are supposed to be used on the Golf Course. Any other use is unauthorized. Like joyriding while drinking beer, then writing “Go Navy, Army Sucks” on them, and abandoning them in front of the SEAL’s barracks.
- It is against Military and Civilian Law to use an F-470 Zodiac to raid lobster traps while in Dive School.
- Repositioning the Commander of Area 51’s vehicle, ever so slightly, every time he enters the OPS briefing, is…well…super damn funny!
- UAV’s will not be used to “check out chicks”. Nor will Rotary Wing Assets, NVGs, Thermals, or Long Range Photography Equipment.
- A CALFEX is not the appropriate place to drop acid.
- When giving a survival class on cleaning wild game, you are not allowed to eat raw pig’s liver, even if it was an appropriate response to someone’s smart-assed comment.
- T-shirts displaying the words “$@*# you, you $@*#ing $@*#!” are not to be worn during Military Christmas Parade processions.
- Mortar rounds fired on “Delay” are not to be used for trying to uproot trees on the range.
- A 72 hour pass given with a promotion and your EIB, does not authorize you to rent a car, get drunk, and roll it two and half times.
- “En’Shallah” is not to be used as a response to why you are doing something that is unauthorized. (Even if it’s appropriate to the demographic that you are in.)
- E-4’s are not allowed to pose as civilians so that they can get loaded at the Officer’s Club and pick up chicks.
- When planning for small boat operations, the command element will not approve nude beaches as potential Beach Landing Sites.
- Teddies and lace panties will not be worn under the military uniform when showing up for a rectal exam.
- “How do you know how fast I was going if you don’t have a radar gun?” is the wrong response to give a Brigade Commander when seen racing your four wheeler around the airfield (at about 50 mph).
- The Desert Boonie Hat, even if you hate wearing it, can not have four inches added to the brim, and eight inches added to the crown, so that it looks like “Cat in the Hat.”
- It is punishable under the UCMJ to possess (and use) an MP badge, if you are not an MP.
- Setting up a “secret communications frequency” in order to play Guns and Roses, while performing a ground invasion, is…you guessed it, not authorized.
- You are not allowed to “shoot for beers” while conducting marksmanship training.
- Personally owned watercraft (jet skis) are not supposed to be transported on military trailers, in convoy.
- Being assigned as the Battalion Military Vehicle Drivers Training NCO, does not give you the right to invite all your friends and relatives for some “four wheeling” on post.
- Simmunition is supposed to be used to engage targets, center mass. Intentionally shooting at the nuts is frowned upon.
- “Kangaroo Court” is not an authorized form of Military Tribunal.
- Possession of uniforms, in your wall locker, with different ranks and unit insignia will tend to arouse suspicion among your superiors.
- Pen Flare/Cluster Flare/Parachute Flare wars can, and will, start forest fires…which, oddly, you will be held responsible for.
- Making E-4 three times in four years does not mean you can’t make E-7 in SF.
(Submitted by Cadet Who?)
- Must not refer to a lanyard as a “ropey thingy”
- Must not use a lanyard to hang an NCO, no matter how much I hate them
- Must not use wit to come up with “funny” rhymes about NCO’s
- The chain of command doesn’t care how long I have played PS2 for, I still have to do drill
- Ghostmas is not a real religious holiday and I shouldn’t take time off cadets for it
- I am not the crazy cat lady
- I must not make my personal army of cats
- I am not in charge of the zero gravity universe
- There is no such thing as the zero gravity universe
- I am no longer to do the “Eden” dance
- I am no longer allowed to dance the “Krystal”
- Walter the bank guy (deal or no deal) is not my home dog
- Using large amounts of hair gel causes cancer and hair loss, think about it
- I am not the president of Uzbekistan
- I am not to cover the parade ground with sand and create a Zen garden
- I am not allowed to re-enact anything from Jackass
- I am not to see how many marshmallows I can shove up my nose
- When in cold conditions, I am not allowed to lick poles
- I am not allowed to steal the company’s flag, this achieves nothing
- I am not to push that button on the radio while someone is talking
- I am not to inquire how to make “cadet cocaine”
- I am not to flatten my face against windows
- I am not to convert people to “The Dark side”
- “The Dark side” does not have cookies
- I am not to go into the Q store and become “The Magical Scrim Monster”
- I am not Fergalicious
- I am not to encourage other cadets to irritate the NCO’s
- “Point and laugh” is not a drill move
- I am not to go on a mission based solely on pushing over sleeping cows
- I must not put the bandages used for First-Aid lessons in my mouth, I don’t know where they’ve been
- I cannot fly and I should not test this
- There’s no such thing as “scrim attack”
- Manikin look-a-likes of me don’t replace me at lessons, camps or parades
- I don’t know kung-fu, and I should not say this
- I do not have an evil twin
- I am not to get other sections lost on purpose, even if it is funny
- The SSGT is not a member of Al-Qaeda
- Saying that I was dropped on my head at birth does not justify anything bad I have done
- I am to speak English at all times, Not German, not Chinese, English
- I am not bringing Sexy back
- If I start seeing Leprechauns, I’ve drunk too much coke
- I am not to do anything I saw in the movie “Jarhead”, especially “field f**k”
- I am not to taunt the air-force cadets anymore
- The SSGT is not a ferret, even though with his new hair style he does look like one.
- New recruits are not “cannon fodder”
- I must not itch myself with a loaded steyer
(Submitted by Stitch)
- Not allowed to phone out for pizza while on exercise.
- Not allowed to sell moonshine.
- Not allowed to feign bleeding during a drugs test.
- My corps badge is the Rod of Aesclepius, not “the SnakeStick.”
- Not allowed to run a book on racing the very same cockroaches we don’t officially have!
- Not allowed to invent medical conditions.
- Not allowed to sneak back in under the barbed wire at three in the morning.
- Not allowed to start a gay bar on the camp. This applies in conjunction with #2
- If I am gonna be mistaken for a guy, must not get caught “sneaking” into the women’s accommodation.
- See 9: When caught, “I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body” is not a reasonable defence.
- Not allowed a mohawk.
- Not authorized to issue “beer tokens.”
- Not mine: Not allowed to head-butt vending machines, even if it did steal a pound.
- Not allowed to play “human bowling.”
- Medicine balls are not appropriate equipment for playing dodgeball.
- A live adder is not appropriate equipment for playing dodgeball.
- Not mine: Must not leave a still running while away on exercise…BOOM!
- “How the fuck do you even tie your shoes?” is not motivational.
- Not allowed to get in fights in town.
- Not allowed to practice medicine “off the books.”
- If your disease sounds strange and Stitch diagnosed it you’re probably being had! (See Skippy #213)
- Not allowed to play companies off one another.
- Not authorized to administer “mob justice.”
- See 23: Even for something sickening.
- Not authorized to administer military discipline.
- Not authorized to promote teddy bears above my own rank.
- Not allowed to leave a teddy bear on sentry.
- Must not show up to a staff parade dressed as a ninja turtle.
- Must not show up to a staff parade dressed as a drag queen.
- Must not show up to a staff parade in nothing but my boots and a hat.
- Must not sneak prostitutes onto the base.
- Rubbing the inside of a respirator with Deep Heat is evil.
- Rubbing my face with baking soda before entering the respirator test chamber is cheating!
- Not mine: Must not receive fellatio from a resuscitation doll.
- Mine: Must not be the first person to train on said doll.
- Not allowed to get anything pierced.
- Not allowed a facial tattoo.
- APC’s are not for taking a girlfriend in.
- The night medic should refrain from turning drinks “Irish”, even if she’s freezing her arse off!
- Not allowed to do “funny shit” with tritium paint.
(Submitted by Dale Fox)
- I am not authorized to make a superhero costume out of garbage bags, duct tape, m-16 mags and a poncho liner and then chase down and tackle another company’s radio man during a FINEX.
- I am not allowed to cut my old cammies into a “combat thong” and run through the other platoons squad bay during a briefing
- It is also not OK to shake my money maker for the company gunny in the same thong
- I am not allowed to fling my own poo at those who throw skittles at me while I’m using a slit trench
- It is not OK to chok the company gunny’s tires just to see what happens
- I am not authorized to ambush the chow truck
- I am not allowed to defecate on the furniture of suspected insurgents to “send them a warning”
- I am not authorized to set off 55 pounds of UXO near the battalion FOB just to show that they don’t check the grids I give them
- My humvee is not a “stunt car”
- I am not authorized to paint 24 inch tall skulls on all the doors of my MAP team’s vehicles
- The phrase “nega hachi chachi” is not the correct response when your CO asks if you “see anything”
- “I’m rockin’ ” is not a proper response to the question “how are you doing” during my XO’s barracks inspection
- It is not OK to call “controlled det” on the radio after the fact
- Sporks in the hair are not acceptable ways to mark EPWs
- “Wag bag” is not the proper title of the SgtMaj, even if he is one
- It is not ok to fire warning shots at the Battalion commander’s convoy when they do not recognize our right of way
- I am not allowed to sink a case of chow mein MREs in the Euphrates and then leave a treasure map
- Semper gumby (always flexible) is not the proper response to officers giving me orders to undo what they told me to do in the first place
- I am not authorized to tip government vehicles on their sides during training to create a road block
- Humvees are not authorized to go on beer runs, especially not to a drive thru
- I am not authorized to practice my WWF moves on Iraqis
- I am not authorized to pillage due to my Viking roots
- Playing Pantera over loudspeakers after a firefight is not Psyops
- Our patrol is not a bunch of MAMs sabotaging the power station (even though battalion told the tanks we were)
- It is not OK to disregard the smallcraft instructors and go over the side “with style”
- Going to Big Muj island is not to be referred to as going on a 3 hours tour
- I am not authorized to publicly display my picks of who would play members of my chain of command in a movie
- Farting into the radio handset is not a proper response, even if you do say “over” after you do it
(Submitted by SPC Andrew Sheffield)
- Not allowed to recite the Specialist creed during the promotion board as a substitute for not knowing the NCO creed.
- Not allowed to recite the Specialist creed during any formation/ceremony.
- A rubber band and paperclip is not an authorized military weapon and will not take the place of my M249.
- Not allowed to prove said weapon by firing at the first officer that walks by my office.
- “You’ll be alright,” is not a term to be used when a soldier needs medical assistance.
- The DFAC does not put mind control drugs in the food or drinks.
- Not allowed to brake check civilians while driving a HUMVEE.
- Not allowed to drive over curbs to wake up my TC.
- Not allowed to Jump anything while in a HUMVEE.
- Edible underwear is not authorized during field exercise’s.
- Later that day) Edible underwear is not to be eaten during field exercise’s.
- I do not have a god hand and I am not aloud to administer divine punishment.
- The term “smoke ’em if you got ’em,” is not a command to open fire.
- It is not funny to change the CPT’s decaf with espresso. Especially a half hour before formation.
(Submitted by SPC Craig Gauthier)
- Not allowed to water the SGM’s flowers with Round Up.
- When making Anti-Coalition propaganda “White Devil” is not an acceptable phrase… Even if the COG thinks its funny.
- Not allowed to use “real” pictures of dead people
- I am not the white Missy Elliot
- Not allowed to use dairy dry-shakes to convince Iraqi kids that Americans eat their own cum
- KATUSAs are not my personal play things
- Not allowed to tell the KATUSAs where all the whore houses are
- Not allowed to tell privates that if they want to get promoted they have to “pleasure” the 1SG.
- Not allowed to tell KATUSAs sexually deviant things like what “playing swords” is.
- There is a reason new KATUSAs are scared… I should not prey on this (even if I CAN smell their fear).
- Not allowed to “tag” memorandums that I don’t agree with, with “WOLVERINES!!!”
- Not allowed to paint training claymores green
- Not allowed to paint live claymores blue
- My name is not Buck, and I am not here to fuck
- Especially not when there are female soldiers around
- No longer allowed to voice my opinions during EO training
- Especially if it deals with racism or religion
- Not allowed to tell 1SG exactly what I think of his board questions
- Everyone knows that I am 11B, I don’t need to remind them that they are inferior quite so often
- The 4187 for overtime pay was funny… until it reached the Commandant’s desk
- The supply request for midget hookers was not.
- Not allowed to post pictures around camp of senior NCOs and label them “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.” Especially if its blatant sarcasm.
- Not allowed out of my office, except to smoke, and only under supervision, when there is anyone brigade level or higher on camp.
- An eleven row and some IEDs are not the solution to Korea’s traffic problems
- Not allowed to hand superiors over to the KPA
- Not allowed to defect to KPA
- Not allowed to tell people I’m taking a military vehicle to crash it, just because “I’ve had it with this place”
- Not allowed to tell the SGLs just how jacked up and lazy they are
- Not allowed to give the BNCOC instructors a piece of my mind
- There is no reason to see if any problem at the academy is Internet porn related
- Not allowed to wear a demon mask when attacking bluefor
- Not allowed to carry a lightsaber during rotations
- Not allowed to strap C4 to a goat and send it into bluefor’s FOB
- Using cigarette butts to “silence” my weapon is cheating (It actually works, stuff a butt down your barrel with your BFA. The bolt is louder than the blank. 1 for an M4, 2 for a SAW)
- It is true that a speed limit sign is the standard. However exceeding the speed limit, and exceeding the standard are not the same. Especially in a GOV.
- Not allowed to sing “Its Raining Men” in the office.
(Submitted by Nemo)
• Must not show cat’s brain to a full bird Colonel.
(Submitted by “Bruce Wayne”)
• Jumping out of a C-130 wearing a cape and batman mask is NOT psychological warfare…. but it sure is damn cool to see!
(Submitted by “Michael Stewart”)
•You are not allowed to defecate over the side of a CH-46 on a battalion of Marines while containing a riot.
(Submitted by Evil Navy Wife)
•I am not allowed to tell other spouses that feeding their sailors large quantities of beets will help them get good scores on a piss test. (All it does is induce a condition called beeturia, and my husband and I are the only ones who find humor in half the ship crapping in a bright magenta hue.)
(Submitted by Joakim)
•Apparently the right thing to say when your LT orders you to do something IS NOT: “you’re not my real mum!”
(Submitted by Kristina)
•May not attempt to sell a female medic to the Iraqi local nationals for $5. Even if they offer to throw in a goat.
(Submitted by Diane Bekel)
•I am no longer allowed to fold origami during briefings from the CG.
•When the CG asks what I am doing during said briefings, I am not to stand up and say “Sir, I made a duckie!”
(Submitted by SPC Casper)
•I cannot, in response to orders that we wear our reflective belts after dark on the FOB wear NVG’s and claim that its not dark to me.
•I cannot, in response to orders that we wear our reflective belts after dark on the FOB, stencil “+5 Belt of Invulnerability” on it.
•I cannot, in response to orders that we wear our reflective belts after dark on the FOB, cover it in 100mph tape, 90mph tape, duct tape, electrical tape, or wrap it in plastic, fabric, or paint it with camouflage paint for “tactical purposes”, under any circumstances.
(Submitted by Dan Zelman)
•Do not put pictures of Willem Dafoe in drag in the battery training meeting slides after finding out that your commander hates Boondock Saints.
•Do Not tell brand new 2nd LTs the 1st Cav Division patch stands for “The Horse they never Rode, the River they never crossed and the color of their bellies” right before the Battalion and Division Commanders give them a welcome to the unit briefing.
•If you are a rabid Red Sox fan and the armorer is a rabid Yankees fan, do not taunt him on his team’s playoff collapse the day before you go to the machine gun range.
•Do not send him the 2004 ALCS on DVD for his going away present when he gets orders for Korea either.
•Do not borrow $3,000 from installation MWR for a unit activity then leave the country without paying them back. Even if its a deployment to Iraq.
(Submitted by Cadet Vittles)
•”United-fucking-States of Ameri-fucking-ca” is NOT an appropriate response to the Captain asking where you are from
•”A professor told me to crawl through a wind tunnel” is not a good excuse as to why your dress pants are dirty
•Will not yell “Who likes short shorts? I like short shorts” during PT
•I cannot play with a ceremonial weapon unless I’m qualified to use it
•And even then, I can’t use them for “Mortal Combat”
•Axe-bombing (taping down the button and using the canister as a grenade) is not a good way to make friends
•Riding the fast cadets in PT is cheating
•”Fox-twat” does not refer to the letter “F”
•”I’m only a freshman” does not get you out of doing work
•Yelling “One, two, three, four, I love the Air Force!” while doing body-builders, is nowhere as motivational as is sounds
•The Air Force is not the ghetto, and nobody wants to see my underwear
•Cuts from a practice saber will not get me a purple heart
•Cannot show up to lead lab in swim trunks
•Throwing swords to one another from forty feet away is a terrible idea
•Just because a POC’s name is hard to pronounce, does not mean I can call him whatever I want
•”I have short legs” does not get you out of the running portion of the PFA
•”Hugs, happiness and standardization” are not prescription drugs
•Ten dollar NERF guns are much more powerful that one would think, and should not be aimed at the skylight of a military classroom
(Submitted by Michael Martino)
•Even though Gomer joined after failing out of college, he may not list his previous “occupation” as “stud.”
•Gomer will never again paint the Quonset huts by walking across the top while pouring the paint from five gallon cans.
•Sending a Private to the ship’s supply office for a gallon of “relative bearing grease” is not funny.
•Reprimanding the Private when he returns without it and assigning said private to “mail buoy watch” is a no-no.
•Gomer will *not* “man the rail” while entering port with his penis exposed.
•Even foreign ports.
•After rapid firing a full magazine into the dirt beneath the target, Gomer will not defend his mis-aimed fire as “aimed at the ants, sir!”
•Although Gomer’s first General Order for Sentries is “Take charge of this post and all government property in view,” he is not authorized to open the pallet containing the C-Rations and distribute them to the rest of the team for lunch.
•Even though Gomer’s Drill Instructor spent 14 weeks instructing him in various ways to kill, “Luke the Gook and Link the Chink,” Gomer will *not* address LT. Chan as “LT. Chink, sir!” ever again.
•Gomer is not to swim in the drainage ditches around the barracks, nor arrange “combat swims” for others in such ditches.
•Gomer will *not* refuse to get on the Huey because he “never rode one anyplace he really wanted to go, and this isn’t the time to start.”
(Submitted by Vincent Rose)
•Do not “steal” exchange shopping carts and hide them in your barracks room. Even if they do make lugging laundry easier (note I lived on the second deck….ahem floor)
•Do not throw bowling balls off of the third deck. Even if you have spotters.
•You may not eat in the galley in a monk’s robe because……. the robe is not tucked into your pants (they actually made me leave and tuck in my robe)
•You may not walk and drink from a cup while in uniform.
•Chairs are not for racing, even on mids watch.
•You may not call a higher ranking NCO a “walking EEO violation” to his face. Even if he is one.
•You may not call members of the Army “choads”.
•You may not watch the female Marine’s PT.
•You may not add to any essay you have been told to write: “you probably won’t read this any way”.
•We are producing Sailors, not technically trained college students in uniform.
•”Borrowing” a security golf cart and hiding it is prohibited.
•Having your girlfriend/boyfriend live in your barrack suite is prohibited.
•Civilian supervisors outrank military supervisors.
(Submitted By Brian Ranco)
•Not aloud to go big game hunting at the firing range
•Bird hunting with a S.A.W. is not recommended with civilian personnel around
•Mark 19’s are not the best weapon for deer hunting, it just turns everything to paste.
•240’s can and will turn a bear into Swiss cheese, if you use 1 or 2, 3 to 6 make hamburger bear.
(Submitted by William Doney)
•Not permitted to take over the world when Sgt is on call.
•May not continually ask “Are we there yet?” during PT.
•(Someone else) the words “because I’m the chowrunner, bitch.” is inappropriate to say when a female TI is behind you during basic training.
•I may not wear black socks on my ears and proclaim that I am Goofy.
•May not try to explode a 3-Liter bottle of coke near any government buildings.
•May not use scissors, as I am not to be trusted with them to cut maps.
•Not permitted to shout out the words “Ow, my moral!” during PT.
•Not permitted to march around government buildings holding a broom in place of a rifle.
•(Also someone else) Not permitted to bring anime porn to anime club.
•The psychologist is able to grant me permission to play video games after losing my video game playing privileges. (I am not kidding.)
•Am not permitted to order others to “Turn one side of a billboard into cottage cheese, and another side into cotton candy.”
(Submitted by CPL Tracer USMC)
•Jumping off the roof of a six story building during a monsoon using a poncho liner for a parachute is forbidden.
•If you’re going to take a flying leap off a picnic table, don’t do it in the covered smoking area.
•(And my favorite, because the dumb*** worked in my office) If the duty NCO has the key to the restricted area, and he’s out of the office, WAIT. Don’t break the window to get in.
(Submitted by Nameless, to protect the innocent guilty)
1. “Spray and Pray” applies to many, many things that have nothing to do with mil-issued weapon systems.
2. It’s not a great party until someone loses rank.
3. Unless you have enough evidence to cause rank loss but are withholding it for whatever OPSEC reasons apply.
4. While it is great to respect a Vet even if some choose to wear mil-issue clothes mixed with jeans to the bar after their discharge, it is unforgivably sad for a “vet” who was “wounded” right before entering a combat zone causing his medical discharge to do the same thing.
5. If you get a Bronze Star for the monetary value of equipment you had stored in a CONEX while deployed, and you’re proud of yourself, you’re a douche.
6. You deserve whatever pranks coming to you for such douche-ness.
7. Even if you’re an E-7 with the 1st Armored Division Headquarters out of Wiesbaden, Germany and get pushup happy with subordinates trying to make them respect you.
8. Even if you’re an Equal Opportunity Rep who hasn’t helped anyone because they all complain about you.
9. Be selective enough about your friends to have a bunch of good stories for your handful of normal buddies about your other buddies.
10. If you know people who are stupid drunks, take a camera and keep a distance to have evidence for later use.
11. If you work as a scout in a headquarters unit, you don’t and you’re gophers.
12. If you work as an 11B in a headquarters unit, you’re admin-type gophers.
13. If you’re anything but a gopher in a headquarters unit, you’re probably lying to someone…most likely yourself.
14. Every unit is like the last one that told you the whole Army isn’t like it, unless you get into a secret squirrel type unit. Then it’s cool.
15. The normal units are all filled with profile riders, guys who think every six months is effective training, CSM who bolo, LTC who avoid fat camp due to missing paperwork, a large group who says they aren’t part of the problem even though they’ve accepted the problem and do nothing about it, and the small handfuls of good soldiers.
16. Garrison doesn’t make a good soldier.
17. Medals don’t make a good soldier.
18. Points don’t make a good soldier.
19. To know this is a huge step in being a good soldier.
20. Beer makes the voices of the medal-chasers go away.
Still want more lists? Check out those submitted by other soldiers and people who work in other industries.