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On the Plus Side, This Should Offend Nobody.

August 4th, 2011 by skippy

God, the Alpha and Omega, creator of all things stirred from what appeared to be one hell of an alcoholic binge.

Groggily he pulled himself upright wincing that as the bright sun bored into his head like a laser.

“Let there be less light” he muttered, with a sigh as the ambient light dipped to more acceptable levels.  As his vision cleared he saw a three headed blurry monster that eventually resolved itself into a single Archangel Michael, giving him a very scolding look.

“Oh dear me…did I do something bad while I was hammered?”

The archangel spread his arms and intoned in a voice that was both ingratiating and reproachful “Oh Lord of hosts, by definition, anythin-“

“Cut the crap Mike.  I am so not in the mood for your ass-kissery this morning….did I destroy any major cities with molten fire?”

“No sir.”

“I didn’t wipe out the world with a flood did I?  That would be awkward seeing as how I promised I wouldn’t do that again.”

“You did not.”

God looked alarmed. “The lizard people living in the center of the earth didn’t get loose did they?  Because I was totally saving them for later.”

“No, your surprise race of malevolent reptiles remains contained as we speak.”

“Then what happened that’s making you give me the “Benjamins getting wives from Shiloh” look?”

With a long suffering sigh Michael simply stated “You endorsed someone for US President.”

“Me dammit! I did?  Who?”


God mulled that over. “Bachman?  Isn’t that just Steven King’s pen name?  And is he even still around, I haven’t seen anything of his since that The Stand TV special.”

Michael looked uncomfortable. “No sir…that’s Bachman one N.  This is Bachmann two Ns.”

God rolled his eyes up deep in thought. “Remind me who that is again?”

“One of the Representatives from Minnesota sir.”

“Crap! You mean “Batshit” Bachmann?”

“Yes sir, I do believe you have called her that before.”

“Why in my name did I do that?”

“I was under the impression that you thought it was a funny prank.”

“Well, that’s not so bad I guess.  I mean, there’s probably not enough deranged fundamentalists to actually put her in office, right?”

Michael shuffled his feet and looked uncomfortable. “There’s more.”

God slumped his shoulders in resignation.  “What else?”

“You also endorsed Rick Perry.”

“I DID WHAT?  Rick Perry?  I mean Texas is only going through that drought because I am punishing it for electing his ass in the first place.  Why the hell would I have done that?”

“Well sir, you compared it to the prom scene from Carrie.  Although we were relatively certain that you didn’t intend to cover Austin Texas in pigs blood.  Mostly certain anyways.”

“Great.  Are the fundies currently getting on board with these endorsements?”

“Yes sir.  They are, as usual, being quite enthusatic.”

“And I suppose it’s too much to hope that they spotted the obvious and awkward contradiction in me endorsing two different candidates for the same office?”

“Well sir, they have traditionally been very bad at noticing awkward contradictions.”

“Michael, please tell me that you have a plan to fix this?”

“Well sir, so far the safest course is to try and nudge things so that they split the crazy fundamentalist vote, insuring a sane candidate from their side of the aisle.  Also you could maybe stop getting drunk and messing with the planet.”

“I might need to take your advice Michael.  Man I haven’t been this embarrassed since that time I got ‘faced and knocked up that Jewish chick.”

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16 Responses to “On the Plus Side, This Should Offend Nobody.”

  1. M578jockey Says:

    Skippy, You are so going to Hell for that.


    Right next to the comment box the ad is for two Rick Perry books


    Jim A reply on August 4th, 2011 7:08 pm:

    Automated ad placement for the irony.


  2. Squab Says:

    I feel like I should be offended by this, but I just laughed.


  3. Wetdryvac Says:

    You have made this simple vac very happy.


  4. Brianna Says:

    *dying* I “liked” this for facebook. *giggles hysterically* Oh, my, Heeheeheehee. I needed that laugh! *wipes tears of laughter* OMG, this is priceless. On top of it all jocky’s right–there really is an ad for two Rick Perry books just to the right of the comments section. How the hell did you arrange that, Skippy? Or is this like facebook and whatever you write about gets you ads for similar products on the right side of the page?


  5. SPC Wilson Says:

    *Tries not to burst out laughing in the middle of the office. Fails miserably.*


  6. Ian M Says:

    Ohhhhhh dearrrrrr.


  7. Matt Says:

    Ah well, pretty sure you were going to hell anyway. Of course, depending on specific religions, we are all going to hell regardless of what we do or don’t do. I’d rather not have to vote for Perry or Bachmann (two N’s) to get there though. Either would be quite the divine joke on the country.


  8. Enigmatick Says:

    Hmmm…Bachman (one “N”) for president….certainly couldn’t be any scarier than the current crop of candidates, right?

    (Then again, I’m just dumb Canuck.)

    Hey, where’d the CAPTCHA go?


  9. Tamara Says:

    “The lizard people living in the center of the earth didn’t get loose did they?”
    Is that a Doctor Who reference or a coincidence?
    Just curious.


    turner ashby reply on August 11th, 2011 1:24 pm:

    I think your right it is a Dr. Who reference long live our Homo-Reptillia overlords


  10. Ace` Says:

    Skippy I fucking love you! This site is so damn funny.


  11. jmireles Says:

    Wow. I mean, wow. I probably shouldn’t have laughed, but I couldn’t help it. See you in hell. LOL


  12. Sgt. Spooky Says:

    Yes, i laughed my ass off. Yes, i’m going to hell for it. Stopped fighting it a long time ago and bought lakefront property. See you all there. Party at the lakehouse.


  13. MM Kalmbach Says:

    Never trust anybody who presumes to know the will of God, because He will probably do something else just to prove them wrong. Very funny and well-written!


  14. David B Says:

    Well, at least He didn’t endorse Palin!


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