I haven’t been in touch with for a while, so I thought I’d send out this message to say hey, and give you a pointer in seasonal etiquette.
We’re getting ready to celebrate another 365 around the sun, and that means party invitations are coming your way. It’s important to let people know you’re coming, and this is how I responded today to such a query.
I wish first to express my deepest regret that I have fallen behind in my correspondence. I could offer any number of excuses — Yuletide familial obligations, dearest Aunt Queenie’s succumbing to her fortnight’s battle with consumption, my recent betrothal to a comely Negro lass of buxom figure and easy, but expensive, virtue — but the veracity of the matter of my negligence in our friendship is that, to put it bluntly, I’m a dick.
I am issuing this missive to inform you of my intent to attend this auspicious gathering of esteemed and dedicated evildoers. My little black heart swells with anticipation of this momentous occasion, undoubtedly to be filled with jollity, merriment and spiritous libations.
I so desire to say more at this time, but it shall have to wait until the evening in question, as I have urgent matters to attend. I’ve left my ebony princess tied to the posts of our canopy bed, and she’s crying out for me to come micturite upon her sweet, ample bosom. If I linger at this desk much longer I fear she shall resort to calling out the safety word, bringing our romantic afternoon to an end so that she may journey forth down the street to spend her allowance on opium suppositories with her more platonic acquaintances.
— Benjamin Franklin