Walter Mitty Is Alive And Well And Living In Amarillo, TX
And much to everyone’s surprise, he is now a SOLDIER in the service of JESUS CHRIST.
By soldier, of course, I mean dressed up in plus sized surplus uniforms and yelling at people who are not members of his church. Like what the Westboro Baptist Church would be like, if they watched too many Michael Bay movies.
Go ahead and click on the link if you dare. Be warned there is gratuitous use of “action movie music” with every click. Also, despite the appearance of their site, they are actually serious.
Basically these guys dress up like they are soldiers and go to places that do things that conflict with their own religious beliefs, and harass them. They take down license plate numbers, take photos, call folks at home, and bother their employers in an attempt to get them fired.
So if you are in Amarillo, and want to go to a Planned Parenthood, public school*, or breast cancer awareness event**, you’d better watch out. Because a busybody security guard*** who portrays himself as a law enforcement officer is gonna dress up and shout at you.
* Yes, for real, except that they are calling it outreach
** Again, for real. Because only dirty, dirty whores who get abortions can get breast cancer.
*** They may look like a group of V-Larpers, but they are here to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And they evidently still have an ample supply of bubblegum. Also he lists his occupation as Security Police Officer****, which is basically the sort of thing that people say when they wanted to be a cop, couldn’t hack it, and went into private security instead. This footnote is now longer than most of the paragraphs above. I should probably re-write this whole thing to fix that but eh.
****According to the Texas Observer, he’s a guard at a nuclear bomb facility. Which is both humorous, and horrifying. Mostly horrifying actually.
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March 3rd, 2010 at 4:15 pm
OMG…their symbol is a PENTACLE!
/dies
ROFL!!
Captcha: doodlers former….heheheh…not sure why that’s funny….doodler….
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Minty reply on March 3rd, 2010 8:25 pm:
I also love the fact that they have a quote from Hebrews, but probably hate Jews. Oh, the lovely, lovely irony.
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TheShadowCat reply on March 4th, 2010 1:51 pm:
I saw the pentacle and nearly fell out of my chair. Good thing no one’s home yet or they would have been wondering what all the noise coming out of the den was about.
CAPTCHA – believe kepler – I believe, but I bet these yahoos don’t.
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Ms T reply on March 6th, 2010 6:56 pm:
I know that the pentacle was once a Christian symbol, but that was a long time ago – there have been a few little events, like the Renaissance, the creation of the steam engine, and the discovery of America since then.
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March 3rd, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Since they profess to be soldiers are we allowed to take up arms as is our Patriotic duty and defend ourselves, families and communities from them as we would any other invading army?
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StoneWolf reply on March 4th, 2010 5:20 am:
I would say so. They are a declared and uniformed Army interfearing with the interal process a nation (interfearing with public schools, etc). If anyone I don’t recognize wearing a cross and a military-style uniform shows up at my door, well, I’ve seen how “convert or kill” turns out, and I’ll bet I’m faster on the trigger.
Besides, you can bet they’d scream bloody murder if you dared show the gall to show up at their Church to protest their harassment of Americans.
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March 3rd, 2010 at 5:35 pm
Re: “Security Police Officer” —
If you ask the jerk my niece had the poor taste to marry, he’d tell you he is a police officer. In reality, he is a part-time rent-a-cop at a local community college; he’s mad because the company he works for refuses to give him a Taser…..
(This is NOT meant to insult real police officers OR hard-working & sensible civilian security personnel: I know and am guarded on a daily basis by the latter!)
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Minty reply on March 3rd, 2010 8:27 pm:
I have a friend who is a roving security guard; he thinks most of his colleagues are power-tripping losers. Now, granted, he’s an 80-year old curmudgeon in a 35-year old’s body, but he frequently makes a good case for his antipathy.
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paula reply on March 4th, 2010 2:54 am:
‘power-tripping loser’….. yeah, that’s close; but maybe just a touch, well, *generous*! What’s about three steps BELOW power-tripping loser?!?
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Minty reply on March 4th, 2010 1:06 pm:
Someone who sounds like he’s going to royally fuck up one day. Oh, deary deary me.
Kat reply on March 6th, 2010 10:42 am:
I too have a very good friend who is an armed security guard, and thinks that most other security guards are jokes. He couldn’t go to the police academy here until he turned 21, so he’ll be going in June.
.. I’m actually a little scared for the world when he becomes a full police officer
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StoneWolf reply on March 4th, 2010 5:29 am:
I had a friend who worked for a while as security. Sweet Mamma Llama! He thought he had to protect the whole friking world. His authorized defense in the event of a break was to politly but firmly tell the offender to piss off, then call the cops if things got worse.
I’ve also been harassed in general a few times by security guards. It really blows the wind out of their sails when you ask them on what authority are they ordering you around. Cause they don’t have any. I remember one time in the city near where I live I got excited and jumped and my coat opened enough to show my sidearm. Now, the cop on the street corner glanced at me, saw I was chatting with my friends, and went back to ignoring me. The College Secuirty Guard stopped me and actully attempted to confiscate my pistol, because I was near the college, and technically could have lobbed .45 rounds into his jurisdiction if I fired at a high angle. And I tried not to laugh at the idiocy of an unarmed moron attempting to confiscate the gun of an armed man, outside his jurisiction, when he has no real authority, and the real cop 30 yards away doesn’t give a shit.
I respect cops a great deal. If something happens, they are generally useful. Security guards can’t do shit but be a “show of force” to deter people that probably weren’t going to do anything anyway.
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Speed reply on March 4th, 2010 11:30 am:
But ya gotta admit that security guards can ride the hell out of Segways. Those that haven’t aged out to Hoverounds that is.
captcha: sidearm hands, Edward’s little brother
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StoneWolf reply on March 4th, 2010 11:54 am:
Oh, fer sure!
March 3rd, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Its nice to see that all of those old BDUs are getting re-purposed to something, instead of these whack-jobs running around buck-ass nekkid!
Imagine the horror of an anti-breast-cancer rally put on by a bunch of glossy-domed Milwaukee-goitered bi-focaled pasty white guys, with guns. That would be SO Wasilla!
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March 3rd, 2010 at 6:45 pm
These guys are AWESOME!
Hey, if you’re ever in Amarillo and you’re wondering where to go to do your shopping, check out the map on their website:
http://www.repentamarillo.com/map.php
Need to find a porn shop?
Get directions: To here – From here – Search nearby – Zoom here
These people have it covered!
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Adam reply on March 4th, 2010 9:22 am:
I might just convert for easy access to these maps… Admiral Akbar might have something to say about this.
Captcha: “pay installs” – Amarillo was just a demo?
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TheShadowCat reply on March 4th, 2010 2:22 pm:
I LOVE it! If I’m ever in Amarillo and I’m in need of some alter supplies or a circle to celebrate a Sabat or full moon ritual with, I’ll know just where to go!
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March 3rd, 2010 at 8:21 pm
So these are like Islamic jihadis only less effective?
Everywhere these guys protes….err they apparently don’t protest they uhmmm…. well anyway like half of their list sounds like a regular weekend fun list to me.
Tell me again how they don’t get their asses kicked more often?
CAPTCHA – smithers Minister – oddly appropriate for this article
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Minty reply on March 3rd, 2010 8:34 pm:
Oh, honey, you are so innocent in the ways of our judicial system. If we tried to actually defend ourselves, they’d start crying that they were being oppressed, and then we would be the ones to go to jail.
Here, read this story. It’ll help the pain go away.
captcha: “Bolis medicated” Yeah, they really need to be on drugs.
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Minty reply on March 3rd, 2010 8:35 pm:
Yeah, so I totally messed up the html. Sorry about that. Link still works, though.
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StoneWolf reply on March 4th, 2010 3:58 pm:
Regarding the below:
Yeah, most people over the age of 18 in the United States are not adults, but that’s a whole other rant.
About the Freedom of Speech vs Assault issue, honestly, I view many of the PC “hate speech” laws to be censorship. I thing the people who use such language are gutless swine, but I do believe the law protects their right to express themselves. The key comes in to how they do it. On their private land, whatever. On public land, well, they should realize they might have stones thrown at them, though they can still say what they want. On MY private land, I will throw much smaller stones around 3000fps.
Unfortunately hate speech laws and similar come about because people are NOT adults and fail to understand the consequences of their actions and, in the case of those offended, their own power to take action.
I’ll stop now, since I’ve had debates about this that lasted days.
Minty reply on March 4th, 2010 5:03 pm:
I thought everyone hated “hate speech” laws. . .
StoneWolf reply on March 4th, 2010 5:37 am:
Yeah, fun ain’t it? These asshats can call somebody a fag or nigger and say that God hates them and its free speach. You tell them to fuck off and go away, and you’re oppressing their rights.
Now, to be clear, I actually do think they should be allowed to say things like that, as it IS free speach. Of course, I also believe that any gay or black man called such a name has the right to slug their offender in the jaw, as that is ALSO free speach. People love the free speach part and forget that their are consequences to what you say.
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Minty reply on March 4th, 2010 1:22 pm:
I agree with you about the jaw-slugging part, but not that it’s freedom of speech. It’s justifiable assault, because contrary to what our parents told us, words can hurt us. In fact, they’re used to hurt us all the time, because laws haven’t been passed against verbal assault.
Not that I think there should be; turning the other cheek frequently is the best way to really get back at these people, after all.
And as for accepting responsibility for consequences? That would assume these people are adults, not overgrown children.
captcha: “emceed outbreak”–I emceed the outbreak of retaliation against intolerant assholes. You should have been there! It was so awesome to see the Fundies and the Vegans trying to work together to fend off the gay meat eaters.
DF reply on March 3rd, 2010 8:40 pm:
Grant me some leeway here; I do satirize everything a great deal, so please do not take it personally if I offend anyone. I’m sorry in advance if I do.
The difference, as I understand it, between them and mujahedeen is this: These guys are right, and both we and mujahedeen are wrong, because the bible tells us that the bible is without flaw. And that you go to hell if you aren’t a WASP. And G-d forbid you eat salad with your /dinner/ fork… *shudder*
CAPTCHA: orpheum that. Dedicate _them_ to Orpheus, BITCH.
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Minty reply on March 4th, 2010 1:27 pm:
I love it–“this Book, which has been written by Man, which is said to be a flawed creation by this Book(for only God is truly without flaw, again, according to this Book), is without flaw.”
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DF reply on March 4th, 2010 6:22 pm:
Well, my understanding is that it was made with divine influence.
But the kicker is: “This is without flaw because it says it is without flaw.
CAPTCHA: madman in. Yes, the madman is in. How could you tell?
Billy reply on March 4th, 2010 8:35 pm:
What DF said reminds me of a moment in Fallout 3, during a conversation with a computer. “I am infallible.” “How do you know you are infallible?” “Because I was created to be!” “You know because you know? Thats circular logic.” “Internal error detected.”
Somebody forgot to tell God that it seems.
Captcha: Protection cramp, … wait, what?!
DF reply on March 4th, 2010 9:04 pm:
If only these guys had a “does not compute” button.
As it is, they just discount the passages that they don’t approve of, because that’s only way that the bible makes any sense. By eliminating some parts.
Captcha: thong President. I can’t even begin to describe what these guys would do to a thong-wearing president.
Minty reply on March 5th, 2010 12:13 am:
Well, of course that’s the only way it make senses? How many different people contributed to it? How many times has it been translated and edited? It’s a miracle it’s legible at all!
March 3rd, 2010 at 8:38 pm
ZOMG NOT HALLOWEEN! Halloween is apparently a Satanic holiday, and not just a bunch of kids conning people out of their hard earned candy. These are the kinds of people that I scream HAIL SATAN at the top of my lungs when I see them…just to get a reaction. That reaction is usually getting looked at like I am possessed, ah isn’t life grand?
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TheShadowCat reply on March 4th, 2010 5:02 pm:
One of the best bumper stickers I’ve ever seen:
It’s *your* Book. He’s *your* God. *YOU* burn in Hell!
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StoneWolf reply on March 5th, 2010 1:29 pm:
Actually, to my understanding, if the Christians are correct, I cannot go to Hell, only Purgatory. As a dirty heathan, I cannot Sin, since I don’t know any better. Only those who have the Grace of God can Sin.
Captcha: He redeems-too fucking perfect for this thread.
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Janice reply on March 5th, 2010 1:40 pm:
Well, it depends on the flavor of Christian. Some believe you’ll burn for not repenting your former life and following Jesus. I have personally been told this on a number of occasions.
Housellama reply on August 3rd, 2010 6:15 pm:
I have a friend whose an old school norse pagan. He has wallpaper on his computer. Its a picture of Thor holding his hammer and below it, motivational poster style, it says “My God carries a hammer. Your God was nailed to a cross. Any questions?”
I fell over the first time I saw it.
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TheShadowCat reply on August 3rd, 2010 10:26 pm:
LOVE IT!!!
March 4th, 2010 at 5:10 am
Maybe it’s just me, but is anyone else offended that they use actual pictures of our Military and Military equipment to push their fanaticism? Ahh, but we (myself and all the other Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines) fight for them to have that right…/sigh
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StoneWolf reply on March 4th, 2010 5:41 am:
Oh, shit, I figured they’d just dressed up and pretended. If they’re using photos of actual servicemen and DoD equipment, there’s got to be some legal angle we can work here.
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Jack reply on March 4th, 2010 6:11 am:
Wait, did you think they just borrowed a MH53?
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StoneWolf reply on March 4th, 2010 6:45 am:
Well apparently I’m blind. I just skimmed the site very breifly before I got fed up and left. On a second look I see the helo, the armor, etc.
SpaceMunky reply on March 5th, 2010 5:24 am:
To pigtail on Jack’s reply I doubt they have that many Maroon Berets as well :)
Captcha: Velga Impaired…wth is “Velga” and how did I become Impaired?
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StoneWolf reply on March 5th, 2010 6:06 am:
Well, I do know of some bulk suppliers for those kinds of things, so that didn’t phase me. Its amazing what you can get, especailly if you don’t mind chinese knockoffs. Course they generally fall apart after only a little abuse.
But yeah, still a stupid moment. Oh well.
March 4th, 2010 at 7:02 am
Osama Bin Laden would be so proud…
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March 4th, 2010 at 8:36 am
Earth day? Earth Day is bad!
Wow, hop into your hand baskets everyone.
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March 4th, 2010 at 9:11 am
They’re a bunch of attention whores, and IMHO they deserve some “special” attention…
There’s a guy who stands in the middle of my college campus every Thursday and preaches “Believe in Jesus or go to hell!” to everyone passing him on the way to class.
I’m going to troll him with “My Name Is Satan” by Stephen Lynch at some point this semester.
Captcha: “cudgeled say” – does captcha have ideas to share?
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Billy reply on March 4th, 2010 10:28 am:
I personally like the idea of using the song “A Month Dead”, that would be funny as hell too.
captcha: bring flouting, yeah, that sounds like a good idea. >:)
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Speed reply on March 4th, 2010 11:55 am:
Heh, descend to his level and shout back “James 1:26!”
[If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain]
You can selectively prove/disprove anything with the Bible. They even have search engines online so you don’t have to read, heh.
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March 4th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Does it bother anyone else that the soldier on their front page is saluting with his left hand??
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Minty reply on March 4th, 2010 5:05 pm:
Not really–I figured they flipped the picture for whatever reason and don’t understand the symbolism.
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skippy reply on March 4th, 2010 5:12 pm:
Except that the beret is facing the correct direction.
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TheShadowCat reply on March 4th, 2010 5:21 pm:
It could be a bunch of their idiots, I mean ‘Christian soldiers’, dressed up like the real military for a photo opp. Of course, it just shows what ignoramuses they all are.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:19 pm
Ok, so here’s a ‘Christian’ group that goes around harassing people and businesses that has a pentacle on its home page. Also, there’s a video about them holding demonstrations outside the Route 66 Swingers Club and the music is a rock song. Isn’t rock music a tool of Satan?
This group needs to see a proctologist right away. They all have a bad case of cranial/rectal inversion.
CAPTCHA – refuels the -refuels the what?
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March 4th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
Man. These guys remind me of the dick who said something along these lines:
You are an atheist Jew. Therefore, you are an incomplete human being, and it is within my rights to kill you and disembowel you as an organ donor.
Ass…
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StoneWolf reply on March 5th, 2010 6:08 am:
Err, um, WHAT!
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DF reply on March 5th, 2010 8:04 am:
I once met a guy who told me that because I was an atheist Jew, I was an incomplete human and it was within his rights to kill me for my organs.
Sorry about the “you” there. don’t know how that got in there.
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Billy reply on March 5th, 2010 8:36 am:
Please tell him that because he was, in essence, a Nazi, that it was fully in your rights to stab him in the face and beat him with a baseball bat until dead, and then have swastikas carved all over him, and his balls removed and shoved down his throat. And then have his organs removed and given to those who need it. Sorry, part of that was from Inglorious basterds, and the rest was my natural hatred of Nazi’s.
StoneWolf reply on March 5th, 2010 9:56 am:
I second Billy’s motion.
David reply on March 5th, 2010 11:05 am:
Godwin’s Law
Billy reply on March 5th, 2010 11:25 am:
The Holocaust is why I hate Nazi’s so much. So, technically, for my severe hatred of Nazi’s, I am understanding how bad the Holocaust was. Godwin’s law was to prevent trivializing the Holocaust.
paula reply on March 5th, 2010 9:14 pm:
I like your thinking, Billy; but there’s one leetle-bitty problem: I don’t know about you, but *I* sure wouldn’t want any icky Nazi organs — I’d rather die!
(And for what it’s worth, my grandparents were a ‘mixed marriage’ with Grandmom being half-Jewish; and because of both that and my grandfather’s noisy political opposition to National Socialism they found it expedient to get the heck out of Germany in a hurry back in 1930.)
Minty reply on March 5th, 2010 9:24 pm:
^I agree; I’d rather die a horrible, painful death, causing untold grief to my friends and family, rather than live with the organs of a Nazi in me.
Billy reply on March 5th, 2010 10:45 pm:
And I though people would appreciate the idea of recycling…
DF reply on March 6th, 2010 8:30 am:
I’d definitely keep the organs.
But I would submit them to medical science. See if someone can get some stem cell research done on them.
Ahh, poetic organ justice…
Captcha: the sheepdog. Well, I suppose I could just feed them to the sheepdog.
Kat reply on March 6th, 2010 10:52 am:
I get that crap all the time. See, some of the worst offenders are the drunks and drug addicts, they all want you to convert so that you’re just as miserable as they are. They come into the ER strapped to the bed and once they are all wrung out and released they come out and they’re all “Have you found Jesus? Come to the church with me and repent. God is your savior” blah blah blah… Buddy, I just listened to you screaming about your dog, Kurt Kobain and Karl Rove for the past FIVE HOURS while you came down off your mix of meth, coke and heroin. The last thing I want to do is go with you to meet your dealer at the church. Especially since my money just paid for your “care”
paula reply on March 7th, 2010 7:19 am:
Billy: don’t get me wrong, I like your organ-harvesting idea (can we do it while they’re still conscious? Pretty please!), it’s just that I personally don’t want one. On the other hand, if somebody else is okay with receiving a Nazi kidney or whatever, they’re welcome to it — I’d much rather that ‘somebody else’ got it than the Nazi jerkoff kept walking around spreading their idiocy!
March 6th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Hmmmm, wonder if the “They neeeded killin” defense would apply here?
Why is it? When we talk to our chosen sacred being, it is called prayer or worship…but when they talk to us is called a trip to the psych ward.
captcha – x-ray peeking…now you know what those “special” glasses from the back of the comic books were for.
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Billy reply on March 6th, 2010 5:02 pm:
“Why is it, that when a man kills another man in the heat of battle, its called heroic. But when a man kills another man in the heat of passion, its called murder?” That guy from Waynes World, I always forget his name.
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kat reply on March 6th, 2010 6:33 pm:
You can say god speaks to you all you want, and not be a looney. It’s when god starts telling you things like “The world is going to end” or “Kill your wife and children” or “Take 15 mistresses” that you get in trouble.
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Tzanti reply on March 9th, 2010 7:11 am:
Can’t remember who said it but…
“When I talk to God it’s called praying. But when he answers it’s called schizophrenia.” :)
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Housellama reply on August 3rd, 2010 6:20 pm:
There’s an episode of House, MD that has a similar quote.
House: “God talks to him?”
Chase: “It’s not psychosis, he’s just religious. The only medical issue that showed up on the blood work is low sodium.”
House: “No, you talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you, you’re psychotic.”
Chase: “A lot of people experience their religion as something more than symbolic. That doesn’t mean that—”
House: “God ever talk to you when you were in the seminary?
Chase, after a pause and a laugh: “No.”
captcha – outflanks also. Yes, as a matter of fact, House did.
March 9th, 2010 at 7:26 am
Ah, Texas…it’s like Wales, but bigger and slightly stranger.
We have an evangelical asshat who rants on the high street. Sometimes he has a helper, and sometimes he leaves a tape recorder playing his rant while he does God’s work of drinking cups of tea in Burger King.
The worst I’ve heard him do, for which I told him to ‘Grow-up!” was harass little kids for having Easter eggs. Mostly he mocks and heckles people doing their shopping. He goes away in the winter, thank God, so at least he’s not there to frighten children at Christmas.
Actually, he almost makes me ashamed to call myself a Christian :(
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March 10th, 2010 at 7:44 am
Hey now. Don’t insult Walter Mitty by associating him with this bunch of God-botherers.
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March 10th, 2010 at 5:01 pm
Hey. I may be culturally Jewish and religiously atheist, but these guys aren’t warmblooded christians. I respect christians. These guys aren’t; they are the usual bunch of knuckleheads using the banner of Christianity to justufy (incorrectly, I might add) their beliefs. Christianity is a religion if tolerance and respect. One of my friends-the altar-boy at his church when he told me this- described a true christian as someone who strove to emulate christ, a good man. Does that describe these people?
Captcha: no entries. Yeah, I see no entries to the collection of good people here.
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March 27th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Interesting. Per his map, there’s “witchcraft” across the road from Pantex and St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church is “compromised.”
Let’s hear it for the Episcopalians and the Department of Energy!
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