Memorable Quotes
Memorable quotes from the birth of my children.
Wife: Rub my back please.
Skippy: Careful that’s how we got into this mess in the first place.
Dr: So you’re having twins. Did you have any assistance conceiving?
Skippy: You mean like a three-way?
Nurse: So you’re having twins. Did you have any pharmaceutical assistance conceiving? (Note: We got variations of this question a lot)
Skippy: No. But we had the assistance of a team of midgets.
Nurse:…
Skippy’s Sister: What?
Skippy: Oompa-Loompas, specifically.
Skippy’s Sister: Oh my god! I’m going to have the mental picture of your wife getting nailed by a pack of Oompa-Loompas all night.
Skippy: They did the song at the same time.
Skippy’s Sister: Oh f&@*k you!
Nurse: I’m going to go somewhere else now.
Wife: Please tell the nurse that I am ready for an epidural now.
Skippy: (Presses summon nurse button)
Nurse via intercom : Hello how can I–
Wife: DRUGS! NOW!!!!
Nurse giving us help setting up a breast feeding: Just put the baby up against the nipple, and wait for their instinct to suck to kick in.
Skippy: Schwarz babies don’t have an instinct to suck. They have an instinct to awesome.
Brother-in law: So what is that device?
Wife: It’s a vibrating bouncy-swing for the kids.
BIL: What are these switches for?
Wife: Different settings for vibrations.
BIL: What kinds of settings do a baby need?
Skippy: Light, medium, and British nanny.
Skippy: You know honey, if we had gotten ferrets like I wanted, you wouldn’t be going though horrible labor pains now.
Wife: True. I guess if they were ferrets they could just walk out with no hassle.
Skippy: Not where I was going with this, but okay.
Wife: Sounds like some sort of Japanese fetish thing.
Skippy’s Sister: Auuuugh! What is it with you two and horrible mental pictures tonight!
Upon delivery of the second baby, where my main contribution was counting off for my wife.
Mother-in-law: Good job Mom.
Wife: Thank you.
Mother-in-law: Good job Dad.
Skippy: I counted to 10.
DR: If we have to do a C-section do you want me to tie your tubes off while I’m inside?
Wife: Oh hell yes.
Skippy: Definitely.
DR: Are you sure?
Wife: We’re getting everyone we know fixed, just to be sure.
Skippy: Our neighbors will be surprised.
Wife: If we want any other children we’ll just adopt.
Skippy: Or go to the mall. There are tons of unguarded children just siting around.
Wife: I can’t wait for our daughter to get older, so I can take her for long walks on the beach, to talk about freshness.
Skippy: Did your Mom do that with you?
Wife: No. I had to learn about freshness on the streets.
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October 28th, 2009 at 1:33 am
Congrats to you and you wife!
P.S. I laughted my ass off, then had to make up a good excuse to my CSM why he heard howls of laughter from my office! don’t think he believed or was to impressed with “It must have been the voices, sir” =/.
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October 28th, 2009 at 5:55 am
Congrats Skippy, and good luck!
All you potential parents out there, pay attention: “epidural” is the magic word. My wife didn’t scream “DRUGS NOW!!” at the nurse or the anesthesiologist, but that was because she was too busy throwing up from the pain. Not a real happy time.
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October 28th, 2009 at 6:07 am
I asked my dear ol’ dad once, if he wished his generation could’ve been in the delivery room like new fathers nowadays: he was in a submarine somewhere under the North Atlantic each time one of us was born. Dad’s response was, “why do you think I kept volunteering for sea duty?!?”
Guess he wanted to be SURE he didn’t get dragged in there!
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Sabra reply on October 28th, 2009 8:14 pm:
My ex-husband was somewhere off the coast of Turkey when our oldest was born. The only fun part of it was “So, where’s your husband?”
“Underwater.”
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October 28th, 2009 at 6:10 am
When will I learn not to drink coffee and read skippy in the morning. I sprayed coffee when I read about the Oompa-Loompahs and damned near fried my keyboard. Needless to say, I got some very strange looks from everyone else in the office. especially the IT people whom I sit in the midst of.
Anyway, congratulations and good luck! MAy the girls make your life as interesting as you have surely made your parents.
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October 28th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Now we have our timetable for the apocalypse. Any crossing of genes of two such twisted people can’t result in something good and wholesome. Should I swear my unswerving allegiance to the destroyers now or wait a few years?
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Tim Covington reply on October 28th, 2009 6:31 am:
I disagree. As a form of rebellion, their children will listen to country music, become Mormons, and vote Republican.
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SKD reply on October 28th, 2009 7:08 am:
It is more likely that their children will rebel against the norm and thus become exactly what I have prophesied
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Sequoia reply on October 28th, 2009 12:16 pm:
Their norm would be Skippy, making Tim most likely correct, though I was thinking more along the lines of Jehovah’s Witnesses than Mormons.
Minty reply on October 28th, 2009 3:45 pm:
Either that or they’ll go work for the IRS instead of the military. And not as one of those snazzy Eliot Ness-like T-men.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Oompa-Loompas! I nearly busted a rib laughing.
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October 28th, 2009 at 7:57 am
lol oh lord you an your wife are certainly an interesting couple.
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October 28th, 2009 at 9:34 am
So, how long till we get a reality TV show about your family on the Military Channel? Preferably hosted by R Lee Ermy.
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Minty reply on October 28th, 2009 3:47 pm:
How about R Lee Ermy voicing that cartoon rabbit he did once? There’s just something delightful about a bad-tempered, sarcastic rabbit hosting Skippy’s Reality Show.
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Tremorwolf reply on October 28th, 2009 4:59 pm:
I can just see/hear him now with his gruff Voice
THE POWER OF CHRIST AND THE CORE COMPELZ U! THE POWER OF CHRIST AND THE CORE COMPELZ U!
as he sprays holy water form a canteen with one hand. Holding a AK-47 in the other XD
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Viper Chief reply on November 2nd, 2009 4:13 pm:
Thats Corps Maggot…lol
Captcha: Paint Championship: I guess that would be easier than actually playing for it.
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October 28th, 2009 at 9:57 am
My Mum was a maternity nurse for many years before she finally said enough and retired.. She’s as smart assed as her daughter, with a dry Northern Irish accent. She would have helped her wife team up on you. She was good for that :)
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October 28th, 2009 at 11:45 am
I just want to hear the “twin language” these two are going to come up with. It’ll be like the Navajo in WWII.
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October 28th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
this is the review of my morning
ok new keyboard just pluged in old one in the trash…. opening the skippy site…
spilling a 1 gallon technician size mug of Hot Mocha on the keyboard…..
lol about oompa lompas infront of my boss (who by the way started singing….)
bottom LINE CONGRATS SKIPPY LETS US KNOW THEIR NAMES :D
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October 28th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
As a mother of twins who had no “help” conceiving, get used to that question. My twins are 4 and a half and I STILL get asked if we had help. Actually here’s my FAQ I wrote when my twins were babies and it still applies: http://www.techhouse.us/Hosted/Tig/?page_id=208
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cirana reply on October 28th, 2009 3:05 pm:
As a twin I’ve been asked most of the questions on that faq and I have to agree with you about how annoying it is. Its especially bad when you’re do unidentical that most people assume you’re lying when you’re first introduced.
‘You can’t be twins, you look so different…’ Grrr.
Also, twins do not have psychic mindpowers and cannot read each others minds, thankgod.
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SPC Randall reply on November 2nd, 2009 5:42 pm:
I have a twin also. We get wierd looks when we tell people, because I’m a guy and my twin is a girl. The line I hate the worst is “Are you sure. I thought twins have to be the same sex.” Since when are people so stupid….
Also, me and my twin don’t have psychic powers. But I can usely tell if she gets hurt no matter how far away from her I am. It just feels like something is nagging at me in the back of my mind and the place were she got hurt starts to itch.
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October 28th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Your parent-teacher conferences will be awesome.
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Lit reply on October 29th, 2009 3:16 pm:
And followed in short order by visits from Child Services
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SPC Randall reply on November 2nd, 2009 5:44 pm:
Hyle where you at man. Last time i saw you was last deployment to afghanistan.
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SPC Hyle reply on November 2nd, 2009 6:24 pm:
In Minnesota now. ETSed and going to school. You still in?
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October 28th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Make sure to raise them on lots of Tim Burton and 80’s horror movies. Its the only way to keep them from becomeing “normal”. And by the way, if they want a musical, I suggest either “Nightmare before Christmas”, or “Sweeney Todd”. Of course there is always “Little shop of horrors”….
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Random reply on October 29th, 2009 5:54 am:
Yeah, this right here is pretty much the reason I keep insisting I’ll be a horrible Dad. I’ve got a very long list of things like this to introduce my kids to, including such highlights as the Christmas Bat (who nests in your tree and tears your throat out if you go sneak early looks at your presents) and the Cure’s Lullaby (a delightful bedtime song about the evil spider–amn who wants to eat you).
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Rick R. reply on October 30th, 2009 8:02 am:
We used to get horrified looks when singing lullabyes to our daughter. . .
Go to sleep, go to sleep,
Or the Dingos will eat you. . .
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TeratoMarty reply on October 29th, 2009 7:09 am:
My parents started me out on the Muppet Show, then I graduated to Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail when I was seven. Congratulations, Skippy, be sure to warp your children well.
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October 28th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
“Wife: I can’t wait for our daughter to get older, so I can take her for long walks on the beach, to talk about freshness.
I assume that means you have fraternal twins, one boy and one girl. C’mon man, you’re slipping! You should have told us this already. Do you have any names yet?
Captcha: thwart communique, maybe that’s why you haven’t said anything…
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Billy reply on October 28th, 2009 3:50 pm:
Probably Beelze and Lucy-fer.
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October 28th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Well, I am pretty sure that is one hospital you won’t be invited back to any time soon.
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October 28th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Big congrats to the both of you. Now it’s your turn to do some work, Skippy.
My wife and I are still trying but so far, from everyone we’ve heard from, I still would prefer a boy to a girl. No wanting to sound sexist but I think I would like to only worry about one penis not all of them.
Captcha: definite Henry – Not a name I’d choose but is this captcha trying to prophesies?
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Sabra reply on October 28th, 2009 8:17 pm:
As the mother of three daughters, that line always makes me want to punch people. I don’t have to worry about all the penises. I have to worry about three vaginas. Sheesh.
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paula reply on October 29th, 2009 4:02 am:
One big advantage to having girls rather than boys: diaper changing time. Sure, the woosh of colder air they get when the old diaper is removed will often make both let go again, so to speak; but where a baby girl will just wet the changing pad, a baby boy is a little fountain who’ll get you in the face!
capcha: Nixon track. Does this mean Tim Covington was right, and the kids are gonna be Republicans?!?
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Ziggy reply on November 2nd, 2009 4:57 pm:
I can’t tell you how wrong that is. I work in a childrens hospital. And some of our all-time champion fountain pee=ers were girls.
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kat reply on October 29th, 2009 9:57 am:
Here is my theory. Boys are more difficult when they’re younger, given their predilection for climbing/falling/generally doing dangerous things that send them to the hospital. Boys pretty much stay this way until they’re 25. Girls on the other hand, are pretty easy when they’re young, they don’t tend to make as much trouble when they are young, it is when they hit the teen years that you have to worry. Having said that, my daughter is more destructive then I could ever have imagined, so having a boy would be… ech.
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October 28th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I just need to know:
For that quote where you said “I counted to 10,” WHAT WAS THE TONE?
I’m picturing mainly something like a young toddler announcing he made his first poop in the toilet, but with a liberal sprinkling of sarcasm.
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October 29th, 2009 at 7:15 am
RE assistance: I always say that I needed help with the dismount.
I always said that I’m sure I could find a cart load of unattended kids at Walmart. If I got caught I could always claim I thought they were on sale.
Need to ad Rocky Horror Picture Show to the soundtracks. Nothing beats a 4 year old dancing around and singing at the top of his lungs “I’m just a sweet transvestite…”
Need to teach the kids how to do the deep, gravely whisper, “I want to play a little game” ala Saw. Same kid 6 years old, Sunday school.
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Billy reply on October 29th, 2009 8:10 am:
Don’t forget the Freddey Krueger rhyme. “One, two, Freddies comeing for you, three four, better lock your door, five six, grab your crusafix, seven eight, got to stay up late, nine ten, never sleep again.”
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October 29th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Still laughing about the Oompa Loompas.
I love it.
The fact that it was a reoccuring question led me to realize what my next story will be. Thanks for the inspiration.
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LT Ronald reply on October 29th, 2009 10:24 am:
Story submitted!
Captcha: 30-Kilometer taffies. *Remembers that I have a dental appointment later this week* Thanks Captcha!
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October 29th, 2009 at 9:33 am
She’s lucky she got an epidural, I went from 4 cm to 8 in about half an hour. As they were wheeling me to my room from the eval room I was yelling for my epi and you know what I was told? “Too late for that” I smacked a nurse (totally by accident, I was aiming for my mother) and bit my husband before he shoved a towel in my mouth. I don’t even remember which OB delivered by kid, by the time she came in the baby was crowning.
Good job Janice though for pushing out twins, I doubt I could. You are an inspiration to us all.
Captcha: said recovers – I don’t think I believe whoever said that, you’ll recover in 20 years when they move out.
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October 29th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Congrats Skippy and Commander Skippy for doing all the work and still keeping a great sense of humour.
I have twin brothers, and they are absolute bastards always working in tandem. Suffice to say I still outclass them on all fronts being female.
@ Kat: I was always falling out of trees, scraped knees, broken collarbone from trying to walk on my hands; the works. So not just the boys who are nightmares as kids. And yes I am still just as bad at 30 ;)
Captcha: “Joel always did like his muftis”
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October 29th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
From observation – not experience – I have one, tiny piece of advice: Avoid twin-group!
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October 29th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I was amazed your wife didn’t murder you then for the “oompa-loompas” line. Then I read about the japanese ferrets. Congrats Skippy, you have indeed found the absolute perfect mate. And that scares me even more.
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Tremorwolf reply on November 2nd, 2009 5:31 pm:
NO.. waht should scare you even more, is they have spawned…… The first seal is broken,, 6 more till the end of days… Or, a rather festive birthday party,, one of the two.
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October 29th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Who would expect anything less from Skippy? I almost spat my coffee out at that one as well.
I showed both to SWMBO and she almost doubled over in laughter. What scares me though is, when she regained her composure enough to sit upright, she comes out with “I think only Japanese chicks can get away with blue hair, a miniskirt, and a severed tentacle” and casually walks out of the room.
O_O
Twisted….. but I still loves her. XD
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October 30th, 2009 at 3:14 am
Skippy:
Regarding your better half screaming, “DRUGS! NOW!!!!”
I double-darn dare you to put that quote, along with a picture of Commander Skippy, on a T-Shirt.
And then sell it on your web site.
That should pay for a good truckload of diapers, at least.
Just a suggestion.
Now get some rest, O.K.?
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October 30th, 2009 at 8:40 am
With lines like that, I’m kind of sorry to think of you two stopping at two kids!
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November 1st, 2009 at 8:02 pm
I haven’t quite gotten to the delivery portion of pregnancy yet.. but I did ask if we really needed to keep the mirror up during delivery.. to which my husband responded “But how else will we know for sure that the baby isn’t a vampire?”
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Ziggy reply on November 2nd, 2009 4:55 pm:
Babies ARE vampires. Think about it.
They sleep all day, stay awake all night, and live off the body fluids of others.
Sound familiar?
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Ash reply on November 3rd, 2009 8:07 pm:
Well okay, you have a point there..
But when he asked the doctor if they were going to provide the stakes so we could “kill the monstrosity before it takes over the world”, that was too much for the poor doctor to handle and he had to leave for a few minutes. Didn’t help that my husband said “I guess this means we should provide our own.” When the doctor came back in the room. He also provided a list of things I am supposed to ask at my next appointment. Which includes items like:
Can we give our baby superpowers?
How would one go about giving a baby superpowers?
If I were to somehow get a radioactive spider in there with the baby before birth, would she then become spidergirl?
Is there any test you can run to find out if the baby already has superpowers?
What will you do if the baby is born a zombie? Vampire?
Mutant?
Is there any way we can accelerate her growth so she skips the whole newborn phase?
Are you absolutely sure she is a girl and is it too late for a refund if we change our mind?
Can we control what color eyes she will have by making my wife drink food coloring?
What exactly is your returns policy?
Wouldn’t it be easier to get the baby out if I just sat on her belly?
Would it keep the baby in longer if I tied my wife up by her feet and hung her upside down in the closet like a bat?
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February 21st, 2014 at 11:26 pm
My family members always say that I am wasting my time here at web, except I know I am getting familiarity daily by reading thes pleasant posts.
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