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Archive for March 16th, 2009

Redshirt Zombies

Monday, March 16th, 2009

A note from the author:

SKIPPY just as a warning I was drinking while writing this so you may want to proof read and maybe edit for grammar.

A note from skippy:

You know what?  No.  I’ve had a bad day, and I don’t want to mess with it.  It’s going up as is.  Everybody, feel free to mock his grammar.
I often have random thoughts. Like why did the Red Shirts always have to die on the original Star Trek? Why couldn’t they have their day in the sun? Why can’t they get some love? Or better yet why can’t they get some revenge?

Then I thought about all those dead red shirts. What happens to their bodies? Do they just get left where they die? Or do they get beamed up to the Enterprise and put into some sort of morgue?

Here’s the scenario Kirk Spock McCoy and ensign Ricky are beaming down to the planet everything is going fine until ensign Ricky scratches his arm on some strange plant. After a few minutes he starts coughing and acting feint. Then a giant monster appears and with one swipe of its claws sends poor little Ricky flying against a rock wall. With his head bashed in Ricky’s body falls limp to the ground blood pouring out of his wounds.

Meanwhile Kirk is shooting the creature with his phaser and doing summersaults for no apparent reason. Spock is coming up with a cunning well thought out plan to kill the creature. And McCoy is running around franticly shouting, “Damn it Jim I’m a doctor not an exterminator!”

Then after a long and climactic battle of wits and brawn they kill the creature and return to the ship and discuss what they learned. But in the bowels of the ship (or wherever the hell the transporters are) Scotty beams up the mangled corpse of poor ensign Ricky and brings it to the morgue and leaves him in his new home cryogenic chamber number 734. His duty done Scotty heads to the bridge to partake in the lessons learned from today’s adventure, which his fat ass once again didn’t get to go on (again).

But unbeknownst to the rest of the crew poor little Ricky had before his death picked up a yet undiscovered microbe that when introduced to a living creature causes a sickness that is similar to the flu and easily recovered from. But when introduced to a corpse that is in the early stages of decomposition, it feeds on the body infesting every last cell heating and reanimating them.

As his body sat there in his cold forgotten tomb the spores released from his mangled body finding new homes in the hundreds of other deceased in the morgue. Many levels above and far forward in the ship the officers are enjoying a nice relaxing drink reminiscing. Regaling each other with tales of their youths. When all of a sudden the computer automatically sounds red alert.

Kirk confused and outraged that he didn’t get to get to say “Red Alert” demands that the computer tell him who ordered the red alert. To which the computer replies that it sounded the alert in response to a biological crisis occurring in the morgue. Upon hearing this Dr McCoy demanded to know what kind of “biological crisis” could possibly be occurring in the morgue! The computer gave only one word in response “ZOMBIES”          Once the crew had gotten over the shock that there were real zombies on the ship, they began to panic. All except for Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura,. These few crew members stand alone against the onslaught of the REDSHIRT ZOMBIES!

Sulu for some unknown reason runs to his cabin and grabs his rapier to fight the undead red shirts. When he sees just what Sulu plans on fighting with Kirk grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him as he says, “Sulu… are you… mad? You need a… sword capable of cutting off their heads!… Whereas  that…… rapier is only… good for stabbing and giving small… cuts! Put that away and….. take this.. Katana!”. Sulu takes the Katana and immediately starts dismembering zombies. In the meantime only feet away Spock is using some sort of ancient Vulcan hand-to-hand zombie fighting techniques and snapping their necks. And the rest of the group is doing the smart thing and blasting zombie heads with their trusty phasers.

After hours of exhausting combat and the loss of no living crew members (or at least nobody worth mentioning) all the zombies have been dispatched and shoved out of air locks. Once things have calmed down Kirk considers making a report on the incident but decides that it nobody would believe him and only sends a recommendation to Starfleet that in the future all members of Starfleet that die while away from their home world should be given a burial at space.

And this is why Spock was ejected into space, and we all know what happened to him don’t we. He became a fricken zombie! Albeit a rather well behaved zombie, but he was a reanimated corpse nonetheless.

I’m sorry this sort of turned into a bit of a fan fic/psychotic rant. I guess that I shouldn’t have written this while drinking but I just cant write while sober.

Stickfodder had a web-comic here, that he would probably like you to look at.