A Brief History Lesson
I like history. I’m nowhere near a history buff, but it interests me enough that I take classes in it when I have the opportunity to do so. Anyways, with the recent global political climate, I thought it’d be appropriate to retell a story my professor related to us. It’s pretty easy to take this particular event and apply it to what’s happening today, so yay cyclical history. Forgive me in advance if I don’t have specific names or dates but I do not have a perfect memory.
The setting is England right smack in the middle of the feudal period, castles and lords and all that. Well, one particular English king (Don’t remember his name exactly, I apologize.) was quite fond of a certain brandy that an order of monks produced from a monastery a few days ride out. Every month or so, a cart would arrive at the king’s castle loaded with brandy caskets, and the king would proceed to be merry until the next morning.
Well, this was all well and good until one month the cart pulled up and was delivering not casks of brandy, but flowers. Understandably, our king flew into a bit of a rage. He was an older gentleman, and one does not get in the way of the elderly and their favorite alcohol. After berating the poor monk who drove the cart for some time, the king demanded an explanation. The monk quoted a bible passage, (I actually looked this up just for you people because too many people quote the bible without proof and that annoys me as much as people who thought that Dune was good after the first book.) Isaiah 40:6 which goes something like “A voice says, “Cry out.” And I said, “What shall I cry?” “All men are like grass,and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.” This, he explained, as interpreted by them meant that they should stop tending to their vinyards, and move on to cultivating flowers because they were obviously the more holy choice.
The king wasn’t appeased, and threatened to behead the monk right then and there, and then move against his entire order. Although visibly afraid, the man stated that if this was done, surely the king and all involved would be sent to hell. The monk was let go, because even kings feared an unpleasant afterlife. But our king wouldn’t go down without a fight. He sent his son, Edward, known as Edward the Black for his ruthlessness and short temper, to deal with the wayward order, because then the king technically wasn’t a part of it, right?
Edward rode out to the monastery with an armed retinue, and announced quite simply that the monks had a year and a half to begin producing brandy and deliver it to the castle once again.
The king was very much displeased by this. Monks were nothing if not stubborn and they were perfectly willing to die over something like this, but oh well, all that was left was to wait the year and a half until his son dealt with them. Now, there was a particular feudal lord visiting the king, Lord Hugh, known for the fact that he was rather oafish and only held his title because of inheritance and not because of any particular skills or abilities. Upon the return of Edward and after hearing the news, he declared that he would reason with these religious folk and set off to the monastery. Nobody saw fit to stop him. In fact, the king believed it would be quite amusing to hear about Hugh’s exploits before the time was up and the monastery was destroyed.
A year passed, with no word from the monastery or anyone else for that matter. The king all well believed that his wayward lord had fled for fear of his wrath upon failing, which was all well and good because he didn’t want to deal with him anyways. But one day, a cart made its way to the castle from the direction of the monastery, and who might be driving it? A monk, with Lord Hugh riding along. The cart was piled high with caskets of, guess what, brandy.
So it simply goes to prove that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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February 16th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
OH WOW
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February 16th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Longest lead up to a corny punch line since The Black Knight on the Black Horse
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February 16th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Oh you bastard. I thought that this was actually going to have a real point to it. Than again this is a humor site so I guess that I shouldn’t be surprised.
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February 17th, 2009 at 12:09 am
You got us again, skippy. Well played.
captcha: she-was Crumbaugh
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February 17th, 2009 at 1:00 am
facepalm *groan*
I was really getting into that story because I find medieval history quite fascinating…..meh. Should have known better. :-/
Captcha : B-52 aided – the best way to drop a BAD pun.
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February 17th, 2009 at 1:14 am
you should be have something horrible and undignified violent done to you for making me get that into it and ending like that…
i completely agree w/ stickfodder
you’re a bastard
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February 17th, 2009 at 4:50 am
heard the same joke, but it was set in current day London. The florist friars were running the other florists in the area bankrupt, and so they eventually hired a ruffian named…Hugh.
And so…..”Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Captcha: 58 Olympic = Hugh’s car?
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February 17th, 2009 at 5:26 am
For the utterance of an absurde pun, the King hath ordered that the ruffian Matt shall be drawn and quartered.
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Raven Prometheus reply on February 17th, 2009 11:12 am:
But what does the Emporer Skippy say?
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February 17th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Mmm, everyone’s suffering made it all worth it. It’s like sustenance.
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February 17th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Good one, sucked me right in.
Captcha be- monarchs …..and not florist friars
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February 17th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Attempt at humor = Epic fail.
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February 17th, 2009 at 9:27 am
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*thunk* (head meeting desk)
CAPTCHA – United Tillman
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February 17th, 2009 at 9:29 am
**Looks for blunt object to remove this from memory**
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February 17th, 2009 at 9:58 am
This reminds me of the snake joke. An even longer lead in to an even worse punchline.
http://www.thetolkienforum.com/showthread.php?t=18654
Read it all the way through don’t just skip to the end you cheating bastards
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Sicarius reply on February 17th, 2009 11:46 am:
Yeah, it’s where I drew inspiration from. I figured giving you people an obvious pun story wasn’t good enough.
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M578Jockey reply on February 17th, 2009 2:21 pm:
OMG! the snake story was terrible!!! I loved it!!
Captcha: Unblest and….
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CMT T reply on February 17th, 2009 5:08 pm:
I put it all into one word doc and printed it several times at work.
Then forced all my team to read it as an example of someone who was quick thinking and resorceful.
: D I no longer have to be a Team Leader
Captcha
shotput 15-year
I shotput my load over that 15-year ol… never mind
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Shuttlez reply on February 17th, 2009 6:10 pm:
Just read the snake story……that’s 15min of my life I’ll never get back :-/
*Bangs head against wall*
Captcha: society crazy – Describes this looney bin well.
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February 17th, 2009 at 10:06 am
3 elephants fell off a cliff
1 hits water
buddom tisch…..
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February 17th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Does it make me a bad person that I: a) thought this was mildly amusing; and, b) know enough English Medieval history that I suspect the king in question was Edward III?
Yeah, I’m a bad, bad person. . . with a sinus infection, so none of this is my fault! Or is it?
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Sicarius reply on February 17th, 2009 3:27 pm:
Darned if I know. ‘Edward’ just sounded like a decent enough name while I was writing it. No, it doesn’t make you a bad person, puns are wonderful for their ability to cause mental anguish.
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February 17th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
I can forgive the joke. I sorta saw it coming. But you didn’t remind the King, who this king married, his parents, the years he reigned, or the date of this incident? This I cannot stand.
Captcha: 9% deila This is getting ridiculous. All my captcha’s lately have been filled with numbers and symbols. WTK?
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Sequoia reply on February 17th, 2009 5:44 pm:
Remember, not remind. Dammit.
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March 24th, 2013 at 1:13 am
The last time I heard that joke, it involved displaced Franciscans in the mean streets of Boston.
Gods, that was terrible.
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