“You wanna spoon?”
As anyone can tell you, clinic tower guard can be long and boring. Especially when you are with a moron. Even worse, viagra when you are with a moron for 24 hours straight.
Let me tell you a little about PVT Johnson. PVT Johnson was not all there. Before we deployed, drugs I had CQ (Charge of Quarters, essentially making sure things were relatively quiet in the barracks), and walked upstairs to find PVT Johnson staring at the television in the day room, laughing his ass off.
I walked over to find out what was so funny, and there he is, staring at a blank TV set. There was nothing on, there was no picture; the damned thing wasn’t even turned on. But there he is, almost in tears over something that was only playing in his head.
Come to find out the damn thing wasn’t even plugged in.
A second time, I got him for disrespect to a noncommissioned officer, and I had him write me a 1,000 word handwritten essay on respect and the Army Values. When he handed it in, I couldn’t understand a bit of it until I handed it to my Section Sergeant, who proceeded to read it out loud. It rhymed. He turned in a three page rap essay. None of it made any sense, but it DID rhyme. So, I was a little bit nervous when they gave him to me for tower guard in Afghanistan.
We were stationed at Orgun-E, just north of Shkin in the Paktika Ptrovince, near the Pakistani border. We were mortared regularly, so we had our Avenger weapon system to provide us with a .50 cal machine gun linked to a thermal sight. I was watching the FLIR (Forward Looking Infra Red) and tracking rabbits and dogs out of boredom, when at about 2 a.m., Johnson says “Hey man, wanna spoon?” I freaked out and started yelling obscenities at him. “FU*K NO I DON’T WANNA SPOON! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT EVER GAVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION?!?!?!” I forget what else I said, it was almost six years ago, but I have an extremely foul mouth and a creative mind. I sat back down, and started scanning the sector, fuming while he shrank into a corner by the arctic stove (it was snowing out).
About an hour later, I am still irate when he comes over and says “You wanna fork then?” I, of course, angry and tired with him being from the Deep South completely mis-heard him and thought he said “fu*k”. I then proceeded to lose my ever-loving temper and threatened to throw him from the tower. Screaming at him I told him that I wouldn’t touch him if he were the last woman on earth, I don’t swing that way, and that I wish his mother had just spent the twenty-five cents for a condom instead of failing the United States Army by sending her son here. I was in full-blown verbal meltdown for about twenty minutes when he finally sat back down and started crying.
I stared long and hard at him, for a good few minutes until his tears subsided. “Johnson, what the hell are you crying for? Look man, if you like guys, then great, but I am not your guy. I’m just not. I won’t tell on you though, okay?” Johnson looked at me and said “What? I’m not gay.”
“What was that all about, then?” I asked.
“Well, I got this dining packet from the cooks and wanted to know if you wanted anything out of it.”
I looked at him for about another minute while this new twist sank in. “Johnson” I said, “we don’t even have any food up here. Why would I want a dining packet?”
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February 3rd, 2009 at 10:31 pm
I saw the gay issue coming you started chewing him out about spoons, but I was still rolling for the rest of the story. That twist at the end though… *shakes head*
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February 3rd, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Wow. To quote my stepfather: “That kid’s not even from another planet; he’s got his own orbit.”
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February 4th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Ah, sounds like me when I was a private. I’ve long been done with the Army now, but yes, that certainly sounds like someting I would have done.
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February 4th, 2009 at 12:24 am
I dunno why, but somehow I saw that coming.
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February 4th, 2009 at 12:35 am
You actually made him cry? You big meanie.
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February 4th, 2009 at 12:46 am
FABULOUS! :P
(captcha: bullish)
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February 4th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Congratulations, you have found the less intelligent version of me, if he was more intelligent, he would have probably been found in the air force. Though I can tell you, at least I write, instead of laughing at a blank t.v.
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February 4th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Thus demonstrating that Zero, from Beetle Bailey, exists.
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simple-mind reply on February 5th, 2009 7:01 pm:
Can I have one of those over-sized, novelty beers?
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February 4th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Thats not a knife! This is a knife!
Thats not a knife thats a spoon.
Ah, I see you’ve played knifey spoony before!
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simple-mind reply on February 5th, 2009 7:02 pm:
HA! That was meant for this post.
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February 4th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I’m a Security Agent at a Corporation.
I’m sitting here in the lobby 6 AM, not a soul in sight.
When suddenly, while reading this, I BURST INTO LAUGHTER!
OMG THAT WAS FUNNY AS HELL!
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February 4th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Man, I feel sorry for that private. Guy ain’t quite right but that was a lot of flak he caught for it.
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pwiklund reply on February 4th, 2009 9:01 am:
In retrospect, you are right, that was a lot of flak, HOWEVER, in my defense, there were hours between his questions and only sentences here to convey the time. when you are sitting towr guard in a combat zone, at a location under attack regularly, you want to know that you can count on people. When I am stationed with soeone who asks me questions like that, in the middle of night in Afghanistan, I tend to lose my temper becaus eI have no confidence in his ability to take care of me in a fight. Hence, my (over)reaction.
Captcha: “Wallace 15”
(It’s beena LOOONG time since Mike Wallace was 15…..)
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freelancerbob reply on February 4th, 2009 9:45 am:
Well yeah. There is that. Sanity is definitely a good thing to have in that sort of situation.
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February 4th, 2009 at 9:30 am
twenty minute rant? I love those. Don’t you find yourself feeling lovely and clean afterwards?
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February 4th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Wow…that boy doesn’t have the good sense God gave an animal cracker! Or…as my dad would say…He’s dumber than hammered shit!
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Jim A reply on February 4th, 2009 12:44 pm:
It DON’T take all kinds. We just got ’em.
captcha: suited Bary –Well she did set him up.
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pwiklund reply on February 4th, 2009 2:44 pm:
actually, around my unit we say “dumber than a bag of smashed ass holes”
captcha:
“Flanders Supreme”
If Homer only knew
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February 4th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Reminds me of my tour in Iraq. We were assisting the evac of civilians in a heavy fighting zone, when one night all was calm, we decided to bunker down for the night when a private, new to my squad, decided to pull a gomer, and began listening to his Ipod. We were told extensively that all mp3 type devices were forbidden on Patrols/most duties in a combat zone, but he thought he knew better than brass. the 3rd ID had just cleared a second lap around the village and jackass fell asleep listening to music. Now, the reason you dont bring Ipods with you to combat zones is painfully clear, as this was not a safe zone, ID was still kicking insurgents out, by all signs this was a horrible time to fall asleep on duty. So I tried to wake him up, and in doing so, I avoided getting my head blown off, by a sniper in a rooftop nest, and when jackass woke up, he stood up pissed and screaming, just in time to see his Ipod become a casualty from the final shot from the hidden sniper, as I fired back. It turned out that the final song the ipod was playing was “Hey man nice shot”, which I and my fellow squad bore witness to before the Ipod’s screen went blank. The next day, Jackass was transferred, only to be replaced by PVT. Glutton. That is a story for another day.
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February 5th, 2009 at 12:40 am
Dude that SERIOUSLY made me laugh my ass off and after today i needed it
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February 5th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Somehow this private reminds me of the story my daddy would tell about his artillery battery in South Korea (in 1958). Whenever they had an inspection, there was one guy that always drove around a truck with all the stuff they weren’t suppose to have. That way the higher ups didn’t come in contact with either the excess or the not so bright.
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