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Things I Would Do If I Was A Supervillian

December 8th, 2008 by skippy

I will not try to take over the whole world.  That is just greedy, not to mention impractical.  I mean, have you ever tried to run a church group or a PTA meeting?  Well neither have I, because it looks like more work than I want to do.  Imagine how much more work trying to manage the affairs of an entire planet would be.

I will take over a modest-sized third world nation.  Most people living in developed countries won’t be able to find me on a map, let alone make any serious attempt to thwart me.

I will not pick a country with significant oil reserves.  This way no developed countries will see the need for any sort of military intervention for humanitarian reasons.

Nutrition is very important, and after all, you are what you eat.  Which is why I will eat nothing but clones of myself.  I’ll probably make a batch of them fight to the death first, and then eat the winner, making sure I only get the strongest one.  I will eat them toasted to seal in the awesome.

I will construct and wear a set of power armor that is covered by a layer of ablative orphans, thus preventing any heroes from trying to kill me.

I will not execute any minions for failing me.  Execution has been vastly overrated as an educational tool by villains throughout history.  Execution isn’t a punishment.  Execution is what happens when you are finished punishing someone.  I might make incorporate that last line into the badge of my secret police force.

I will have a giant harem made up of the most beautiful women from around the world.  No clever idea behind this one, I just figure if I’m going to be a super villain I might as well get a harem out of it.

Every super villain needs an albino cat to stroke while gloating over prisoners.  But I have noticed that the heroes frequently escape during the gloating and make an attempt at thwarting.  So my albino cat will be rigged with a tiny dynamite vest so I can fling at any inconvenient heroes as my last line of defense.  Because I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t see that one coming.

I’ll make up a fake weakness to a common non-toxic substance, and allow rumors of it to spread.  I’ll say things like, “If Captain Freedom learns that I can be melted using only silly putty, my reign of terror will surely  come to an end!”  And then when Captain Freedom shows up with some silly putty I’ll be all like, “You dipshit!  No one has a weakness to silly putty.  NOW EAT EXPLODING CAT!”

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44 Responses to “Things I Would Do If I Was A Supervillian”

  1. L.B. Says:

    Brilliant but actually I do think that world domination could be done. You’d have to delegate naturally which would involve an interview process. That’s bothersome. Though in my plan for world domination I actually started to keep a list of which of my friends (ya know, the ones that I hadn’t killed for whatever reason) were going to get which counties as birthday presents.

    If nothing else… totally with you on the harem.


  2. latrans321 Says:

    …and, of course, that brings us back to the whole, gigantic list of things to do if you ever became an evil overlord (princess, minion, empress, hero, sidekick). Courtesy of Teresa Nielsen Hayden…


    Captcha: 10,000 LEADS- you’re kidding, right? My journalism students have enough trouble when there’s just ONE!


    Sicarius reply on December 9th, 2008 6:36 am:

    I don’t like the bit about the exploding cat, but that’s just because I’m a cat person. Anyways, that sff list isn’t the real one. Here’s the original. http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html


    latrans321 reply on December 9th, 2008 3:37 pm:

    Hm. Interesting. I was aware of the sff lists mainly as part of a writing project; many more entries and a vast array of alternatives to just the evil overlord. Many thanks for posting up the original, though- nice to have credit where it’s due…

    Captcha- the Kronos: made far too many dumb mistakes to EVER be an effective evil overlord!


    Billy reply on December 12th, 2008 11:15 pm:

    He forgot in the list to add “I will execute the hero after they have been stripped of everything as to avoid any random trinket or book to stop the bullets.”


  3. Andrew Says:

    Hrm… I’d add a few more things in there myself. Things like:

    I’d ensure my population was well fed and educated. I’d then include them on all evil missions and give them a cut. If you startve and neglect your population they have a nasty habit of revolting.

    I’d speak diplomatically with all high power nations of the world. You know like, leave me alone or the nuclear bombs I hid under your cities will be detonated one by one, at random.

    I’d hire ninjas. Lots and lots of ninjas. Nuff said.


    Pericles reply on December 9th, 2008 4:57 pm:

    screw hiring ninjas. Brainwash + train the brightest of the athletes(preferably gymnasts and dancers) into ninjas.


    Andrew reply on December 11th, 2008 5:24 am:

    Brainwashed Redhead Ninja Gymnasts?


    Insectress reply on December 13th, 2008 10:21 pm:

    Is Oasis not nifty?

    Pericles reply on December 14th, 2008 7:31 pm:

    I go for a mix. Whoever is COMPETENT. I do not want a brainwashed nympho star-gymnast(as awesome for the harem as she would be) who gets distracted shiny nickel being rolled down a corridor and chases that as opposed to the enemy spies that infiltrated and rolled the nickel.

    Captcha: Butler 1854
    -Maybe we should have butlers, maids, and stewards in the lair. Just be wary to pay them enough to be happy and unwilling to revolt.

  4. Stickfodder Says:

    Why an exploding cat? Why not just make the albino cat an albino tiger?


    Dave in NC reply on December 9th, 2008 7:34 am:

    No reason, other than powerful animals kept as pets by supervillains also have a nasty habit of attacking their master.

    Everyone should be practicing their maniacal/evil laughs. Obviously skippy will be bringing his plan online (hehe pun!) soon.


  5. StoneWolf Says:

    Personally I’d try to take over a small, cold, mountainous area. That way it will feel like home for me and any silly invaders will have to climb up into the cold to actually bother me. At which point the command detonated mines buried in the snow would create an avalanche and bury them all.

    Also, I shall put into law that no natural born female redhead shall be allowed to dye her hair any other color.


    Stickfodder reply on December 9th, 2008 6:01 am:

    “I shall put into law that no natural born female redhead shall be allowed to dye her hair any other color.”

    Are you looking for any non celibate followers?


    Dorkus reply on December 9th, 2008 7:16 am:

    StoneWolf, where do I sign up to be in your army?


    Sean reply on December 9th, 2008 8:30 am:

    Sir, on the redhead part alone, I shall follow you to the ends of this earth.


    Raven Prometheus reply on December 9th, 2008 1:12 pm:

    And I, Sir, shall stand in line to join your army. Vive la Stonewolf!


    Speed reply on December 10th, 2008 11:28 am:

    Mmmmm, redheads… Sign me up!

    Pericles reply on December 9th, 2008 5:01 pm:

    I’ll join in too if we make bases inside the mountains. I’ve always wanted to design an “evil/good” military purpose base in a mountain and have escape routes to random places far away; such as going from the Rockies to the Himalayas. Actually the Himalayas would be the perfect spot for this kind of thing.
    Dibs on a shotgun and assault rifle with a scope.
    A silencer would be handy too….


    Stickfodder reply on December 9th, 2008 6:19 pm:

    Yeah ditto on the hallow mountain base. Also dibs on a M110 Semi-Automatic Sniper System.


    nate the great reply on December 9th, 2008 9:19 pm:

    You can have it. I’ll take the Barrett M99


    Besides,only single guys want polygamy. Could you imagine having to mow the lawn, fix the plumbing, and changing the oil in the car for 5 wives? Nah, a harem’s where its at.

    Stickfodder reply on December 9th, 2008 11:31 pm:

    Since I posted that last one I had been trying to find a gun I saw on future weapons. And I found it. It’s the CheyTac M200 Sniper System.



    Dorkus reply on December 10th, 2008 7:00 am:

    You guys can keep your sniper rifles as long as I get one of these:


    Stickfodder reply on December 10th, 2008 9:00 am:

    Yeah I’ve seen the videos and it may seem like a cool idea (because it is) but in action it doesn’t seem that impressive. I’d like to see him test it on a dead pig (like the Mythbusters).

    Stickfodder reply on December 10th, 2008 1:48 pm:

    Oh and if the hollow mountain is also an island I sugest that we get one or two or 10 of these:



    Pericles reply on December 10th, 2008 8:41 pm:

    If we’re going futuristic weapons systems, I’d like the V.A.T.S. sytstem from Fallout 3 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fallout_3#V.A.T.S. in addition to those weapons….

    Andrew reply on December 11th, 2008 5:22 am:

    Sir, I bow to the superior villian. Can I have two of the redheads? And maybe an advisory position in your govt?

    captcha: cloud convictions – Great, now what? Are hey going to ban rain on Sundays?


    Insectress reply on December 13th, 2008 10:23 pm:

    Under your plan, are we at least going to be allowed to cut our hair if we can’t dye it?


    Stickfodder reply on December 14th, 2008 7:10 am:

    Of course. I mean we don’t want your hair hanging down below your feet and getting caught in stuff. Besides different red heads look better with different hair styles some look good with long hair and some with short.


    Stonewolf reply on December 15th, 2008 5:53 am:

    Yes, of course it can be styled at your discresion. This dye provision also does not remove the use of highlights if so desired. The idea is just to keep the rare redhead from becoming a blonde or something.


    Insectress reply on December 15th, 2008 8:02 pm:

    Your guidelines are acceptable. Where do I sign up?

  6. kelly Says:

    You should probably turn your country into a very “green” and eco-friendly place. I mean… though you could trick Captain America… I think that Captain Planet guy wouldn’t fall for the silly putty thing… if you were failing emmisions tests that is.


  7. Dave Van Domelen Says:

    While the movie Igor had a good idea for a sustainable economy based on mad science, mad scientists tend to get ideas about taking over. I will instead assemble a cadre of mad engineers and mad computer programmers to support my own mad science enterprises. And maybe some mad social scientists.


  8. Lauren Says:

    I agree on the whole ‘conquering the world’ bit. It’s overrated and over done anyway. My motto is ‘Screw the world, I’m conquering Space Mountain!’

    cpatcha: Provisions Strip…probably a good thing to have if you’re going to conquer anything.


  9. Suomynona Says:

    You should also start a rumor of some sort of super virus which will be released upon the world if ever you die or are incarcerated, killing everyone in horrible, painful and spectacularly unfortunate ways.


    CCO reply on December 9th, 2008 10:08 pm:

    You could call it the Herod the Great defense; HG (of Slaughter of the Innocents infamy) had issued a standing order to round up leaders from Jerusalem and kill them when he died so people would be sad to see him die.

    I think they did the round up when Herod lay dieing, but when they found out he was dead for real they didn’t follow through.

    (Luzelli Findlay, no, never heard of her. Where’s she from?)


  10. Kieran Says:

    hmmm if i were a supervillian i’d probably just covertly make a fast spreading short lived nanovirus that would kill everyone on the planet in a short ammount of time. that way i can have some piece and quiet ;) and maybe some cloning labs to repopulate the planet in whatever fashion i wish.


  11. Fractured Cell Says:

    wow. just took the words right out of my mouth.

    how d you keep getting a hold of all my material?


  12. Catbunny Says:

    also a cat person, so I don’t like the exploding cat part so much….

    BUT, at least in the (old) Bond movies, the villain has a beautiful fluffy white cat with gold-colored eyes.
    Not an albino, which would look weird.

    Captcha – Follen bank
    Glad my money’s in a Credit Union. :D


  13. Icehawk Says:

    Holy crap, man. I completely lost it to the ‘ablative orphans’ line. That was so completely sick and twisted yet so totally awesome. My neighbors probably heard be laughing through the walls.


    Al Li reply on December 14th, 2008 10:03 pm:

    Was it an EVIL laugh?

    Captcha: Fourth Newport
    What happened to the other three? What?


  14. James Says:

    I am not a Cat Person, and hate cats, so I love the Exploding Cat Idea, though I think an Albino Squirrel would be even harder for a hero to see coming.I mean come on who would expect to you to throw an Albino Squirrel with Dynomite attached?

    Just out of Curiosity does your cat have an evil name?

    And where are the orphans of your Ablative Orphan Skin coming from? Are they like Average Orphans or the kind you always here about in tragic 50’s esque movies?


  15. Andy Says:

    someones had the cat idea already it seems



  16. sdfkjgh Says:

    According to Google Translate, the slogan for your secret police would sound awesome in Latin:

    Ita fit cum aliquis complessent exsecutioni puniendo.

    Although the Azerbaijani looks cool, too:

    ?cra kims? c?zaland?r?lmas? ba?a zaman n? edir.

    The less said about the Bosnian, the better.

    Well, whaddya know; Esperanto could actually be useful:

    Ekzekuto estas kio okazas kiam vi estas finita puni iun.


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