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How to survive the inevitable vampire apocalypse

February 28th, 2008 by skippy

Okay, I picked up a copy of 30 Days of Night on the way home. I didn’t get to see it in the theater, so I was excited by my purchase. I entered my house chanting “frosty vampire apocalypse!” while waving my new acquisition about. I even unleashed my patented “Vampire Apocalypse Dance” while my wife offered helpful suggestions such as “Sweet Jesus! Stop that horrible gyrating before I go blind!” and “At least put your pants back on!” But before I can watch it I have to write a post. So without further ado:

1. Vampires probably move slower on a full stomach. So make friends with at least one fat, slow person. Try to make it a vegan for increased irony. Important note: Take stock of your friends weight. If you are the fat slow one, you may need to make new friends.

2. If cornered, try crossing your arms over your chest, with both hands making fists held at shoulder level. Some people think this means invisible to vampires.

3. If you hear the cat behind you, drop whatever you are holding (even if it’s a baby) and run. Remember. It’s not the cat. IT’S NEVER THE CAT!

4. I’m sure that you could probably wedge a wooden stake down the barrel of a shotgun to make a high powered stake launcher out of it. Furthermore I am sure that there is no way that such an improvised device could fail in a catastrophic manner.

5. Crosses don’t always work. I have always believed that this is because not all vampires started off as Christians. Thus try to have a symbol from every religion you can. Get a Crucifix, a Star of David, a Cresent Moon, a Pentagram, and an Eye of Horus. As soon as I figure out what the heck Scientology uses to scare off vampires I’m getting one of those too.

6. A series of underground tunnels connecting peoples houses through the basements will be a tremendous asset to everyone’s survival. Get started now. I’m sure the neighbors will thank you. Anyone who acts upset about the tunnels is clearly enthralled by some sort of evil undead master, and must be cleansed by fire. (Or, if you are in a relationship with them, you may smack them in the head with a gun.)

Does anyone else have other suggestions?

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49 Responses to “How to survive the inevitable vampire apocalypse”

  1. iTuneYouOut Says:

    Wow, very nice suggestion, definitely laughed quite loud, quite a fan of your blog but never posted before, keep up the good work!

    Reply

  2. Raven Prometheus Says:

    Doesn’t Scientology use a picture of Tom Cruise? If I were a vampire, that would scare me off, and I don’t even practice that religeon.

    Reply

    Signalist reply on July 19th, 2012 8:10 am:

    everyone knows that Scientology people can’t deal with anyone wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, this includes scientologists-turned-vampires.

    Reply

  3. Alison Says:

    Don’t forget the garlic! Reeking of garlic will automatically send the vampires running, as well as anything else in your nearby vicinity. I think garlic makes the dead skin on the vampires start peeling off? Ewwwwww….

    Reply

  4. Sicarius Says:

    Don’t forget the golden Aquila. The Emperor Protects.

    Reply

  5. tsukinofaerii Says:

    Holy water! That should be on your list of religious objects. But for the same reason, it’s probably best to have it blessed by as many different types of religious people as possible. For even more versatility, make it holy whiskey or vodka, truckloads of it if you can. That way if you think the vampire is an atheist, there’s always the option of lighting them on fire with the Holy Matches.

    A holy hand-grenade should be on the list too. Even if the holy doesn’t work, the hand grenade part will.

    Reply

    Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 7:56 pm:

    I also suggest sacred fire. I am certain that you can bless/enchant fire.

    Reply

  6. steelcobra Says:

    As for #5, if they were atheists in life, then you’re SOL and JWF.

    Reply

  7. SGT Hay Says:

    No no, Scientologists use those whatever-meters (E-Meters… Google is a wonderful thing) and a picture of their Lord and God, L. Ron Hubbard.

    Atheists would just carry around a copy of Darwin’s “The Origin of the Species”. Or a Richard Dawkins book.

    Reply

    Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 8:00 pm:

    I have a feeling that atheists would be forced to resort to more drastic measures, such as magic not associated with any religion, weapons that nothing could possibly survive (such as atomic bombs, sabot rounds, cruise missiles…), or the assistance of/transformation into a benevolent vampire or werewolf.

    Reply

  8. PFC Wilson Says:

    I find that most beings are pretty much fearful of 12 gauge shotguns, regardless of religion or immortality. Even if it can’t kill them, it’ll still hurt like hell

    Reply

  9. Stuart Says:

    im not worried about the vampires its those zombies you gotta watch…why im a member of the church of George A. Romero

    Reply

    Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 8:02 pm:

    Romero’s zombies, so I have read, are the wussy, slow, braindead ones. The ones that are souls brought back to their original bodies are the ones you really have to worry about; those buggers are powerful (but probably more willing to help than harm).

    Reply

  10. Allan Says:

    Shit! I’m the slow fat one!

    Reply

  11. Yeti Says:

    #5 sounds like I am Legend, the book that is. I would assume that would only work if the vampire outbreak were of biological causes and not actually the undead who were damned by the Christian God.

    Reply

  12. pella Says:

    silly boy, scientologist vampires are pure evil, there is not stopping them.

    Reply

  13. parky Says:

    don’t forget to trip your slow fat friend.. it will lengthen the distance between you so there is less chances of your being taken…

    ALL HAIL THE HOLY HAND GRENADE….

    Reply

  14. Lochiel Says:

    “I didn’t get to see it in the theater, so I was excited by my purchase.”

    I love the smell of dashed hopes and dreams.

    Reply

  15. Falls-Down-Laughing Says:

    You could always carry fake fangs around with you…. that way, if you run into one, show you have fangs too, look at the vampire in question menacingly, notice the vampire’s fangs, and give a ‘backing down/suddenly realizing’ look, and say, “oh, sorry – thought you were food”…. and walk away. The other one will probably do the same hahahaha ^_~

    Reply

  16. Falls-Down-Laughing Says:

    Dag-blast it, I forgot to ask…. how did you like the flick? Would you recommend it? I haven’t seen it yet, myself. I remember another good one I saw many, many years ago…. it was called “Near Dark” – first one I ever saw with a child vampire amongst the adult ones (of course, he might’ve been a few hundred years old – he was turned as a child, so…. ) I recommend it – if memory serves, it was quite good ^_~

    Reply

  17. TeratoMarty Says:

    Nah, the Star of David is no good on vampires who were Jewish in life- it’s a cultural symbol, not a religious one. You might as well try to scare off a vampire with one of those little Jesus-fish car dealies. May I suggest tefillin? Alternatively, you could become deeply religious in Gaia-worship- any random clod of dirt you pick up is the body of your god, as good as communion wafers.

    Reply

    Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 8:05 pm:

    What?! It is SO a religious symbol. If not, then why use it as one?

    Reply

  18. Dave Van Domelen Says:

    Don’t worry about Movie Atheist vampires (as opposed to real atheists). They’ll refuse to believe in the supernatural, step out into the sunlight, and die.

    Reply

  19. Lou Says:

    Skippy.. get a tomahawk.. not the missile but a real one.. just a thought..

    Reply

  20. temujin Says:

    For Scientology I believe the accepted symbol is an a Scientology Cross (which is like a cross with a shuriken in the middle. A Tom Cruise Bobble Head will make do in a pinch though.

    Reply

  21. sidhe3141 Says:

    And make sure your slow, fat friend has plenty of booze in his system… Vampires are supposed to be able to get drunk/high if the person whose blood they drained was drunk/high, because the compounds are in the person’s system, and the curse of undeath doesn’t provide immunity against the effects of chemicals on the brain.
    And if you’re trapped when your friend gets it, at least you get to enjoy the sight of a vampire stumbling around trying to figure out which one of the five of you it sees is the real one.

    Reply

  22. Tom Says:

    Showing Vamps a picture of a famous vamp (lestat aka cruise) might work, but I wouldn’t bank on it.

    Reply

  23. the Jack Says:

    Never, ever if in fear of vampires(or other monsters) enter subways, Los Angeles, Chicago,or New York. Period. Also, carry with you the sacred fang of the Yeti, for all know the Yeti is king of the supernatural(except Chuck Norris). Oh yeah, wear a Chuck Norris mask at all times, for who/what in their right minds would attack Chuck Norris?

    Reply

  24. the Jack Says:

    I forgot, use black magic.

    Reply

  25. Analee Says:

    When all else fails, FIRE. I don’t know anything that can’t be killed with fire.

    BURN THE MOTHER DOWN, YO!!! *flails arms*

    Reply

  26. BeccaGo Says:

    Is anyone else disturbed by the “Meet Vampire Singles” ad under the sponsored links…?

    Reply

  27. Maven Says:

    I’m of the Bruce Campbel school of monster removal…shotgun and chainsaw.
    Or if that isn’t convenient (ie, lack of bullets or bar oil), machete and lighter fluid – “Want it dead? Take off its head! Light it on fire it’s gonna expire…”

    Reply

  28. The_Evil_Russel_Crow Says:

    WOOT i think the best bet to use to scare a vampire off is with a present picture of Brittney Spears that should be enough to scare anyone off if that doesnt work than idk run like hell

    Reply

  29. Silverwolf Says:

    Okay…for scientology vampires, a DVD of Battlefield Earth might work. Not the book, mind, but the MOVIE.

    Hmmm…atheist vampires…you need a copy of Das Kapital or The Origin of the Species.

    Pagan vampires? Pentacle.

    As for most vampire defenses? I’d say…get 12-gauge flare cartridges. Just remember not to fire them off too fast or you’ll melt the barrel…

    Carry around a copy of a White Wolf LARP manual. It may confuse the hell out of them, or at the very least you may be able to buy yourself some time. “You can’t feed on me until you succeed in a static challenge. Where’s your character sheet?”

    Reply

  30. Sh1fty Says:

    Addendum to #1 – if an overweight slow friend is not available (or if you are the fat slow one) use a pistol and shoot one of your “friends” in the foot. Now they are slower and bleeding, attracting vampires away from you. Also works with bears.

    Reply

  31. triem23 Says:

    UV—vampires are damaged by sunlight, so it stand to reason UV lamps would do it… Black lights might annoy or ‘sunburn” them–maybe blind them.

    Reply

  32. SPC Hyle Says:

    See, the sunlight thing might just be part of their supernatural package, which means that UV wouldn’t necessarily help out. All these movies where it does are probably vampire propaganda.

    Reply

  33. will Jones Says:

    When in doubt thermite works wonders…. blood sucking, immortal my fuzzy white ass!!!!

    Reply

  34. Strings Says:

    See, I had “stake guns” figured out for the White Wolf games. Get a copy of the old Frankfurt Arsenal books, and just adapt the “shotgun grenade launcher”

    Reply

  35. paula Says:

    humph! I may be old, fat, AND slow, but I’m also a lot sneakier than most of you young’uns…. y’all ever hear the saying “age and experience will beat youth and strenght anytime!”

    Reply

  36. sheryl Says:

    Make friends with Anita Blake and ask her to move in. She’ll either kill them, or convert them to her harem.

    Reply

  37. sidhe3141 Says:

    Don’t count on cold iron or holy water to protect you. Or crosses/stars of David/cresents/pentacles/Eyes of Horus. Or standing on sacred ground. Trust nothing but gasoline and matches. And regardless of what you see in the movies, knowing how to play dead is not a useful skill here.

    Reply

  38. Paul Says:

    Don’t forget the garlic! Reeking of garlic will automatically send the vampires running, as well as anything else in your nearby vicinity. I think garlic makes the dead skin on the vampires start peeling off? Ewwwwww….

    That makes me automatically invulnerable to vampires and vampiric attacks. Garlic is tasty, healthy and a clove a day keeps dracula away.

    Reply

  39. duna Says:

    incendiary bullets come to mind, also
    World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War (abbreviated WWZ) by Max Brooks

    Reply

  40. Storm Raven Says:

    Forget the pentacle for Pagan vampires, just get another one of a different tradition, they’ll be so busy arguing that a snail could safely get away from them.

    I suggest anything flammable, napalm, thermite, petrol (gasoline), it kills them and keeps you warm.

    Reply

  41. Snyarhedir Says:

    To Hell with this. I will summon some dragons (and maybe phoenixes too, among other things) and unleash the Force, so that nothing can possibly touch me regardless of the situation.

    Reply

  42. Daniel Atkinson Says:

    Here’s how to do it:

    http://www.amazon.com/Journal-Tom-Barnett-apocalypse-survivor/dp/1468045040/

    Reply

  43. jennifer Says:

    my brother told me it would be like the movie day breaker’s where they’re a lot more intelligent and more evolved and predatory which mean’s they would most likely hunt in pack’s now that is scary can you imagine of bunch of former white house staffer’s hunting you down for blood shudder to think we all ready live under a horrible regime just kidding or am i twilight any one ugh no just no

    Reply

  44. Morgan Says:

    Scientologists, vampiric or not, respect/fear only lawyers.

    Reply

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