Okay, I picked up a copy of 30 Days of Night on the way home. I didn’t get to see it in the theater, so I was excited by my purchase. I entered my house chanting “frosty vampire apocalypse!” while waving my new acquisition about. I even unleashed my patented “Vampire Apocalypse Dance” while my wife offered helpful suggestions such as “Sweet Jesus! Stop that horrible gyrating before I go blind!” and “At least put your pants back on!” But before I can watch it I have to write a post. So without further ado:
1. Vampires probably move slower on a full stomach. So make friends with at least one fat, slow person. Try to make it a vegan for increased irony. Important note: Take stock of your friends weight. If you are the fat slow one, you may need to make new friends.
2. If cornered, try crossing your arms over your chest, with both hands making fists held at shoulder level. Some people think this means invisible to vampires.
3. If you hear the cat behind you, drop whatever you are holding (even if it’s a baby) and run. Remember. It’s not the cat. IT’S NEVER THE CAT!
4. I’m sure that you could probably wedge a wooden stake down the barrel of a shotgun to make a high powered stake launcher out of it. Furthermore I am sure that there is no way that such an improvised device could fail in a catastrophic manner.
5. Crosses don’t always work. I have always believed that this is because not all vampires started off as Christians. Thus try to have a symbol from every religion you can. Get a Crucifix, a Star of David, a Cresent Moon, a Pentagram, and an Eye of Horus. As soon as I figure out what the heck Scientology uses to scare off vampires I’m getting one of those too.
6. A series of underground tunnels connecting peoples houses through the basements will be a tremendous asset to everyone’s survival. Get started now. I’m sure the neighbors will thank you. Anyone who acts upset about the tunnels is clearly enthralled by some sort of evil undead master, and must be cleansed by fire. (Or, if you are in a relationship with them, you may smack them in the head with a gun.)
Does anyone else have other suggestions?