Archive for the ‘Skippy is feeling benevolent’ Category

First of all I want to thank everybody for all the suggestions. Who knew that many of my readers really wanted to name a zombie board game?

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I have decided to name two winners in my Pants Quote contest.

Cpl Smith on wearing a kilt- “it’s like being naked…WITH POCKETS”. Even though kilts are technically not pants, allergy it was funny. And people my have noticed that funny goes a lot further with me than “technically correct”. Hell, funny tends to go a lot further with me then most other considerations, such as morality, legality, or even physics. (And believe me, physics can be a harsh mistress.)

My other favorite was Badcat, on spilling rum on herself – “Oh man, my pants taste FANTASTIC.” For some reason I keep imagining Capt. Jack Sparrow saying this. Which, you have to admit is severely awesome. But then, pretty much everything Capt Jack Sparrow could say about pants would be awesome.

And so Cpl Smith and Badcat will each receive their prize as soon as the postal service whisks it off to them. Where no doubt they will be the envy of everybody they know.

Everybody else, too bad, you should have tried harder.

Does anybody have suggestions for my next contest?

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Due to the fact that I have a website that people read, I occasionally get letters asking for my help with something.  Being me, I usually delete these emails because what the heck have random internet people ever done for me?

But occasionally I get a letter addressing an issue so important that I have absolutely no choice but to set aside some time to deal with it.

And this weekend I received an email concerning just such an issue.  The sort of issue that I just could not in good conscience ignore.

And so Marty writes:

Hey Skippy,

Owing to circumstances beyond my control (described here, http://teratomarty.livejournal.com/105530.html ), I’ve recently come into possession of a large box of heterosexual porn, on VHS tape.  Since I’m rather flamingly gay, and afraid of breast implants, I have no use for same.  Since this is exactly the sort of thing Anysoldier.com tells us specifically NOT to send to the troops, I was wondering if you knew of a better use for such a thing.  Either deserving recipient/s or targets for the epic pranking suggested by the sheer volume of smut.

Thank you.  I quite enjoy reading your continuing adventures on the List.

Marty

Well first of all despite what those liars at Anysoldier said, I think that a big box of porn would be welcome by most deployed soldiers.  You just have to put the tapes into a case for some other sort of movie like Carebears, Veggietales, or something. That way it can slip past the censors.

But I will leave this question up to my readers, what should Marty do with his giant box of porn?

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A young man recently asked me for some advice regarding women.  I decided to jot down what I came up with, in case anyone else needed help.

1) There is a thing called “Thread Count”.  It’s printed on the package that sheets come in.  Evidently this number is a way women can use to quantify your both your intelligence and sexual orientation.  If the number is too low, then you will be assumed to be too stupid to have sex with.  But if it too high, you will be assumed to be gay.  It’s basically dating blackjack.

2) If you ever wind up cohabitating with a woman, you will probably have opinions about how the place should be decorated.  Your opinions are wrong.  You should train yourself to stop having them.

3) On that note, everything you own will be thrown away, or at the very least placed into storage.  They will be replaced with a wicker basket full of crap.  Women are kind of retarded for wicker baskets full of crap.

4) Chocolate is your friend.  Chocolate has chemicals in it which simulate the effect of being loved, at least according to Al Pacino in “The Devil’s Advocate”.  I’m too lazy to look that up right now, so I’m just going to assume he was being straight with me.

Whatever the case, chocolate is basically an emergency pressure bandage for your relationship.  Try to always have some of the good stuff where you can get to it rapidly.  I suspect that a woman created Easter, simply because it features chocolate, in a wicker basket.

4) If she’s angry with you for something that seems inconsequential, chances are she is angry about something else.  It might be something some other guy from her past did.  Even though she’s not going to tell you what it is, she will punish you until you correctly guess and fix it.

5) Buy a DVR.  This way when she wants to talk to you when you are watching something, you can pause it.  Because she is definitely going to want to talk to you about something while you are watching TV.  A lot.  And if you don’t stop watching it then she will believe that you love football more than her.  And while that might be true, if you admit it you won’t get any sex for a very long time.

6) If she asks you if you if you were planning to wear that, then you weren’t.

7) When she is trying to make a selection between several different options, and she asks you which one you like best, do not make the rookie mistake of telling her.  She doesn’t care which one you like best.  She wants you to guess the one that she likes best.

8) You have no opinions as to the link between applied textiles and visual mass.

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Ever since I have started writing this blog, I have have started getting an increase in traffic. And the increase in traffic has in turn lead to an increase in questions being emailed to me. I don’t mind, I like the attention and I certainly have no problem sharing any experiences I have in both the military and the game industry. But I do wind up getting similar questions a lot. So to combat that problem, and to help provide a resource for people who might want more information on those subjects, I have created two new pages.

So you want to be a soldier?

and

So you want to make video games?

From now on, all questions I receive about either subject are going up there, unless the submitter specifically asks me not to.

Also, I’m leaving comments on because as unlikely as it sounds, I don’t necessarily know everything, and sometimes someone else may have other helpful ideas.

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One of my readers recently sent me an email, wanting some help with a problem. (Cool I’m an advice columnist now!)

Evidently this reader’s husband likes to screw with her mind. (In a good way.) Even while he is deployed overseas, he still manages to get the upper hand. So she would like help in coming up with ways to surprise him.

Because if there’s one thing this site has demonstrated is that I am good at surprising people.

Here are some ideas:

Send him photos of yourself wearing a sexy outfit. But construct the outfit entirely out of food. Bonus points: Use only un-sexy food-stuffs, like pizza, snow crab legs, or chicken McNuggets. Write a long letter to accompany it acting as if this is the most erotic thing a wife has ever done for a husband.

Get every woman you know to start sending him love letters. Creepy ones.

Go buy 101 of some small cheap disposable toy. Identical looking ones. (Erasers, toy cars, whatever) Then number them with a marker. (1 of 101, 2 of 101 ect) Then send them one per day, in numerical order. The first one will mildly confuse him. After the second one he will realize that there are 99 more of these things to come.

Act like he forgot something important, then refuse to tell him what it was. (Guys love that!)

Clown Porn

Send him letters that are responding to questions that he didn’t ask.

Fill his next care package with glitter. Because it’s pretty much impossible to handle loose glitter without becoming very very sparkly.

Tell him you found a woman to have a threesome with him. Send him a picture of a drag queen. One with stubble.

Does anybody else have any suggestions?

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