Archive for the ‘Just kind of babbling’ Category

These are all quotes, involving pants, that have been actually said in my presence.

1. “Wow, your pants smell fascinating today.”

2. “Aw, lookit how cute she is. Isn’t she just adorable? Look at how AAAAAAAAUUUUGH! Get it out of my pants! Get it out of my pants!”

3. “Hey! It’s been years since I forgot to put on pants before I left the house.”

4. “Those are rather unfortunate pants.”

5. “Okay, I suppose that it makes perfect sense for you to have a pair of Spongebob pants to match your wife’s Spongebob lingerie. Now why does your wife have Spongebob lingerie?”

6. “Now that you mention it, yes. The talking pickle has been in his pants.”

7. “Are we going to label the things that have been in his pants?”
“No we are going to label the things that have not been in his pants. It’s faster.”

8. “I have to tell you something that might disturb you. Two lesbians have just had sex in your pants.”

Now many of you may be wondering why I have put up a list of strange quotes with no explanation. (Others have probably given up wondering just what the hell I’m up to.)

Well obviously this is a way of leading in to my new Pants Contest.

I mean duh, what else could it be.

I currently still have a small pile of Squid Pie t-shirts left.  And so whoever posts the best pants related quote in the comments section will get a free one sent to them. Contest ends whenever I say it does, and like all things of importance, final judgment rests with Skippy.

Furthermore I’m sure that several of you want to know what the hell happened that caused these quotes to be um… be-quoted at me in the first place.  Well I will reveal provided that I receive some reader submissions to post up on here.  The holidays are coming up and everybody is very selfishly spending them doing charity work, or spending time with their family instead of sending in content for my site.  Picking up the slack would eat into my Left4Dead time, which means you might as well just hand Riverside over to those undead flesh-hungry bastards.

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And so I’m keeping my post light tonight, as I am spending the evening with Chinese takeout, the Left 4 Dead demo, and The Guild on DVD.

And so here are a bunch or random thoughts I never got around to using for any other posts.

• Veteran’s Day should be a national holiday, but only for Veteran’s.  Everyone else has to work.  And bring us beer.  And naked women.

• Most people on the internet would rather eat a live baby than read an opinion they disagree with, even when it’s just the set up to a joke.

• If you are a morbidly obese black man, you should not go out in public wearing a red sweater over a white collared shirt.

• If you are a morbidly obese black man and you do go out in public wearing a red sweater over a white collared shirt, you should probably have a better sense of humor about people singing the theme song to cartoons based off of Bill Cosby’s work.

• A ferret can burrow completely through an unattended lemon meringue pie, cartoon style, in about 3 and a half seconds.

• Last week David corrected me for incorrect use of the word “equestrian”.  Normally that sort of behavior annoys me, and would result in him being banned from my compound once the inevitable zombie uprising gets underway.  But his invention of Zombie Cowboy Boxing is awesome enough to make up for it.

• I really want Zombie Cowboy Boxing to be a real sport.  I would be glued to the set while it was showing.  It would also make an awesome video game.  I’m picturing a rugby/polo hybrid, but with zombies.

• I think all professional sports franchises could be improved with the inclusion of flesh eating zombies.

• In fact, there aren’t many situations I can think of that are not improved by the inclusion of cannibalistic undead.   Reality TV shows.  Motorcycle races.  Cat Shows.  The Democratic National Convention.  The O’Reilly Factor.  Oprah.

• Zombies are kind of like pasta: you can serve them with anything.

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These are some notes and observations that I jotted down during my recent car trip.

1)In Missouri there is a restaurant called “Skippy’s”.  The sign by the highway made no mention about whether or not they served Panda.  I wanted to check it out, but my wife wouldn’t let us stop there.   She seemed to be afraid that I would do something weird.  To be fair, she only believes that because she has years of experience dealing with me.

2)If you have to travel long distance with small pets, you should probably keep a water bottle handy, to make sure that you can always refill their dish and keep them hydrated.

3) You should probably not keep the water bottle next to your bottle of Vault energy drink.

4) Ferrets just fucking love Vault energy drink.

5) Just past the Arizona/New Mexico border there is an adult cabaret with a giant plastic cow on the roof.  I am very curious as to the train of thought that led the owners to believe that this was a sound marketing decision.

6) Somebody in Oklahoma decided to make a combination Indian restaurant and truck stop.  Evidently there are a sizable amount of  Indian truckers in this country.  I know that this probably makes me a bad person, but I keep imagining Smokey and the Bandit, recast with Apu instead of Jerry Reed.  Matt Groening could probably make a Simpson episode out of that called “Far-Eastbound and Down”.

7) Since our cat is used to doing his business outside, and was going to be cooped up in a car for a few days, my wife thought it would be a good idea to get a leash so she could take him for a walk while having a pit stop.  So she acquired what looked like some sort of kitty bondage harness, and strapped him in. Mr Kitty did not share her enthusiasm for this plan.  It was remarkably like trying to walk a small angry chainsaw.

8 ) Eight.  I forgot what eight was for.

9) I discovered that there is a Midwestern chain of gas stations whose mascot is a dinosaur.  That seems kind of morbid to me.  Kind of like using a cow to advertise a burger joint, or a small child to advertise a seminary school.

10) Early in the trip we noticed that some gas stations had up signs, advertising the cleanliness of their restrooms.  We joked about that, speculating how the bathrooms must look at a place that didn’t advertise.  Until we stopped at such a place.  Those signs stopped being funny pretty damn quick.

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I am now an Arizonian.  Driving cross country with a car full of animals was less fun than it sounds.  Adapting to the heat is a whole new experience.  Me and my wife are from Texas, so we thought we understood heat.  Hah.

Texas is merely warm.  Arizona is a sun-blasted hellscape.

So far we have an Internet connection, a card table and an air mattress but no other form of furniture as our movers have decided that we didn’t actually need any stuff until next week.

But my new job is completely awesome so it all works out.

I would also like to thank Michiel for taking over while I was unable to run the site.  And I would also like to thank all of the regulars who formed a revolt against him while I was away.  I want to see the final t-shirt design.  Or photos of the naked-alcohol-bonfire-trebuchet part.

I’ll have some stories about the trip once I get more settled.

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This is to clarify my thoughts on a variety of subjects.

First the guest writers thing.

Guest writers, even regular ones, like Michiel and Lt. Roland, do not always represent my opinions. I pretty much let anyone who writes funny material post stuff up. So just because I let someone make a post that covers the subject of, say, global warming, doesn’t mean that I believe global warming is a fact. Heck I don’t even think most readers thought that. But in the interests of equal time, if someone has a funny bit against global warming, I’ll run it.

Heck maybe we can convince this other writer to hold a comedic debate of the subject. Almost like a trial by funny.

Some people might think this sounds an awful lot like that TV show “The Root of All Evil”. To those people I eloquently respond, “Nuh uh! Shut up! I hate you!”

Now I know with the amount of people I get reading this site, and people being what they are, folks are going to assume that everything expressed on here is my opinion. And being that I am both shallow and tremendously insecure, I care very deeply about what strangers on the Internet think about me.

And so I am going to clarify several of my beliefs real fast to avoid any such problems in the future.

My opinions on-

1) Global warming: The jury is out, as far as I’m concerned. There is peer reviewed data supporting both sides of the argument. The Earth is warmer. Some scientists think the evidence supports green-house issues. Others think its part of the suns natural fluctuations. In order for me to believe that someone knows for sure exactly how much different the earth’s current temperature is from around a two hundred years ago, I’d have to believe that someone had accurate global data from that time.

I suspect its worse than the heads of industry would have you believe, but better than the companies that stand to benefit from it claim. That’s because I think that people will lie to you if they can get something out of it.

2) The War: I’m sure everyone knows which one. I think that our country shouldn’t have started it, and that people in charge deliberately mishandled information as a justification for it. That said, it doesn’t matter why we went into Iraq. We’re there now, and we’ve leveled a big chunk of their country. Its our responsibility to stabilize it. Our government did it, and we elected our government. So its our fault. Even if you voted for the other guy. Because you clearly didn’t try hard enough to defeat the guy in office now.

3) War protesters: Its okay to dislike the war. Heck you can hate it. You can even actively campaign to end it. All of those things are just fine with me. Furthermore, doing these things has no intrinsic effect on the status of your loyalty to this country, or the level of support you have for our troops. You can simultaneously respect our soldiers and protest how the government uses them.
That said, many anti-war protesters don’t bother trying to be respectful. That’s their right I guess. But I think less of them for it.

4) Politics In General: Politicians are bad people. Just in case anyone reading this is slow:

POLITICIANS…….ARE…..BAD….PEOPLE.

The way our system works is that a company, or a special interest group, bribe the politician to change, or enforce a law, and then everyone pretends that isn’t what just happened. All pretense of morality, justice, fair play, or decency is just the most superficial of veneers. A cunning disguise to better help them prey upon you. They don’t care about you, they don’t like you, and they would probably be willing to murder you in your sleep for less money than you make in a month.

The only difference between Republicans and Democrats is which half of the Bill of Rights they want to ignore. Republicans seems to hate the odd numbered ones, while Democrats don’t appear to be too fond of the even ones. That said, I dislike the current crop of folks in power because they can’t even be bothered to lie convincingly.

And to all people that act as if their particular candidate is above all this: you’re being stupid. They’re just pretending because they think it will fool you into supporting them. And evidently they were right.

5) Small Yappy Dogs That Wear Sweaters: I know that these are not particularly controversial. But I just fucking hate those things. Unless they are being used as “feeder dogs” by someone that has a pet Python. That would be awsome. “Yo quiero ser comido por una serpiente!”

Did I forget anything?

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One of those things that just kind of happens when you put something online is that when someone else likes it, they will usually not think anything of taking it, and then putting it on their own site. Or in their message boards. Or all over Live Journal. Or in their (shudder) fanfic.

Now I prefer that people come here to look at my material, for a few reasons. First, it avoids problems like the one I had with the journalist last year, who didn’t believe that I really wrote it. Also because I have advertising on here and I sell things. By putting more eyes on the site, I help bring in the small bucks that I do, which in turn help me keep the site up. And so, every once in a while I have to send out an email asking that people not copy my stuff on their site.

I try not to be an ass over it and people are generally pretty decent about abiding by my wishes. With the possible exception of some charter member of the tin-foil yarmulke club who said, “I guess Skippy has become a real asshole ever since the Army clipped his wings”. So last week it got brought to my attention that someone had a similar list of things that they couldn’t do. This young lady, Katie, had a similar list up on her site.

And when I say, similar, I mean some of it looked cut and pasted from mine. She then went on to say how she and her friends wrote her list while she was in basic, and if any items on her list are similar to hers, well they originated with her list.

Needless to say, I enter “not amused” mode. But before getting into too much of a fuss over it, I decided to write her to check to see if there was some sort of misunderstanding. And it turns out that there was.

It turns out that Katie went to basic a few months after I got out. And at that time she had never heard of my website. While she was in boot she and her friends started their own list. And some of her friends quoted my material. Katie believed that they had made it up. Years later, she came across my list. She had assumed that at some point I had met the people she went to basic with and incorporated their material into my list. When I pointed out that around half of the list took place while she was in high school, she immediately apologized, and updated her blog so that there wouldn’t be any misunderstanding. She then went on to ask if I was going to keep reading her blog. She said she hopes so, because then two celebrities will be reading it. Skippy, and Wil Weaton.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

See, many people do read my website. And I have made jokes about being a c-list Internet celebrity. But this comparison? It’s either really awesome for me, or really, really sad for Wil.

Probably a little of both.

I was discussing this with David Rodriguez the other day. He pointed out that if people were comparing us, maybe that means that my site is getting a serious increase in circulation and now people are starting to know me. I pointed out that Wil used to actually be on television, and actually gets paid to go to conventions. Hell, he probably gets Trek groupies flinging themselves at him all the time. (“Take me Ensign Crusher! Warp engines to sexy! Engage!”) Dave pointed out that I occasionally get hit on by female fans, via email. To which I responded, “Sure I may get bitches, but I don’t get Wil Wheaton bitches.”

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Okay, I picked up a copy of 30 Days of Night on the way home. I didn’t get to see it in the theater, so I was excited by my purchase. I entered my house chanting “frosty vampire apocalypse!” while waving my new acquisition about. I even unleashed my patented “Vampire Apocalypse Dance” while my wife offered helpful suggestions such as “Sweet Jesus! Stop that horrible gyrating before I go blind!” and “At least put your pants back on!” But before I can watch it I have to write a post. So without further ado:

1. Vampires probably move slower on a full stomach. So make friends with at least one fat, slow person. Try to make it a vegan for increased irony. Important note: Take stock of your friends weight. If you are the fat slow one, you may need to make new friends. Order Levitra cheapest online at http://www.bantuhealth.org/levitra-generic-buy/ for good erection.

2. If cornered, try crossing your arms over your chest, with both hands making fists held at shoulder level. Some people think this means invisible to vampires.

3. If you hear the cat behind you, drop whatever you are holding (even if it’s a baby) and run. Remember. It’s not the cat. IT’S NEVER THE CAT!

4. I’m sure that you could probably wedge a wooden stake down the barrel of a shotgun to make a high powered stake launcher out of it. Furthermore I am sure that there is no way that such an improvised device could fail in a catastrophic manner.

5. Crosses don’t always work. I have always believed that this is because not all vampires started off as Christians. Thus try to have a symbol from every religion you can. Get a Crucifix, a Star of David, a Cresent Moon, a Pentagram, and an Eye of Horus. As soon as I figure out what the heck Scientology uses to scare off vampires I’m getting one of those too.

6. A series of underground tunnels connecting peoples houses through the basements will be a tremendous asset to everyone’s survival. Get started now. I’m sure the neighbors will thank you. Anyone who acts upset about the tunnels is clearly enthralled by some sort of evil undead master, and must be cleansed by fire. (Or, if you are in a relationship with them, you may smack them in the head with a gun.)

Does anyone else have other suggestions?

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Recently me and my wife were watching the Farscape series on DVD. One of the main characters went through a period where an evil alien had taken partial possession of his brain. This would manifest itself through bouts of crazy and irrational behavior. At one point when the evil alien’s forces were closing in on the good guys, the brain control made the hero try to surrender. His girlfriend realized what was going on, and rescued him. By hitting him in the head with her gun until he went unconscious.

Upon seeing this my wife turns to me, and sweetly informs me that if an alien presence ever took over my mind, that she would knock me out with a gun to save me.

I have a few problems with this. Firstly, we do in fact have a gun present in this house. A very large semi-automatic shotgun. So she has the tools at hand to carry out this idea.

Problem number two. My wife can be a bit “enthusiastic” at times.

The third issue is my belief that my wife will take a rather liberal definition of “alien presence takes control”.

“Hey! You’re looking at our waitress instead of me! Clearly some sort of alien mind-control is at work!” Bonk.

“The toilet seat is up! This smacks of alien trickery!” Smack.

“My husband would never lay on the ground having a seizure brought on by severe skull trauma! Release him you impostor!” Clobber.

So I’ve taken to hiding the gun, and wearing my Romance Helmet around the house.

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Judging from the reaction to the announcement of a new list some people were actually pretty excited to see it.

Which makes me feel mildly bad about teasing you folks with it, drugs when I was just using it to make one joke. (But in my defense, order it was funny, at least to me.) But it looks like I might actually have to write the thing now, so that will be coming some time soon I guess.

Since I have been thinking about marriage and relationship stuff lately I decided to discuss something that I think just about every guy has experienced. The inconsistent standards that the women in our lives like to apply to us.

For example: Presents.

Every woman I have ever been involved with has claimed to like it if we surprise them with a present. But there are rules about what surprises are okay.

Rules for husbands:
Living things that use photosynthesis, such as houseplants or flowers, are considered good surprises.

Living things that need to eat and poop, such as baby ferrets or Thai hookers, are bad surprises.

Rules for wives:
But conversely, if a woman decides to surprise a man with something that needs to eat and poop, such as “Surprise honey, I’m going to have a baby!” she generally considers that a good surprise. And if the husband knows what’s good for him he will play along. In yet another example of the double standard, it’s considered a very bad surprise for the husband to tell his wife “Surprise honey, I’m going to have a baby!”

If I have a point I guess it’s this: wives pretty much never surprise their husband with a Thai hooker.

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Today I learned about a new kind of person.

Flexitarians.

A flexitarian is a vegetarian who eats meat.

Take a few seconds for that one to sink in.

So it’s someone who eats both meat and vegetables.

In other words, prescription it’s a person with normal eating habits. It’s the dietary equivalent of white suburban teenagers dressing in $500 G-Unit threads and declaring how “Gangsta” they are, anabolics while sitting at the mall waiting for their mothers to pick them up. If that’s how they choose to live, that’s their business. But I reserve the right to laugh at them.

Now before anybody gets into a snit over this. I have no problem with eating vegetables. I have no problem with not eating meat. I have a mild problem with people who try to act like their dietary choice makes them a superior being. But only mild problem because I’m a smartass and I love an easy target. Veggie-vangelicals are awesome people to pick on because they are both pretentious and very unlikely to be able to beat you up for it.

I understand that some people have religious issues with meat. And I believe in respecting people’s religious decisions. But only so far as they don’t get obnoxious about it. If someone tells me that they chose not to eat meat (for whatever reason), I’ll say cool, and pass them a salad. But if they get pushy or preachy…well then they must be mocked.

There’s probably more I could say on the subject but I have to run upstairs to eat a plate of delicious dead cow.

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