A Note About Women
So the other day I was talking about boobies with some associates of mine.
I find boobies to be somewhat enigmatic… they’re like… well, have you ever seen an artificial hill? Often when a landfill’s reached its capacity, a municipality will cover it in a large plastic shield and then put earth and grass on top. Sometimes they turn these suckers into parks or golf courses or sometimes they just leave ’em for us to look at. Boobies are like that. Not in that they’re both aesthetically pleasing or potentially functional, but in that it’s like just a heap of shit under a nipple and some soft flesh. And yet, we men are drawn to them. Little ones, big ones, gargantuan ones, novelty ones; innies, outies, roundabouts; for every kind of boobie there’s an eager fellow itchin’ for a squeeze.
And it seems to me women just don’t really think all that much about their lady-berries. Sure they try to buy clothes that make them look pronounced, they’ll stuff their bras with tissues, they’ll pay thousands of dollars to get silicone sacks stuffed into their chests. But to most, I believe, that stuff’s no different than how we men shave our beards or cut our hair. It doesn’t really matter to us, we just adhere to a certain aesthetic because we think looking decent will make women want to talk to us. We don’t care about our hair like we care about our dicks. To the ladies, their boobies are like a special elbow or a really mushy chin, just another body part that only matters because we like it so much.
Another thing about women that I was lecturing a young fan of the site about: their bodies are like giant penises. You could say they’re made entirely of Guitar Hero dick flesh–only the buttons aren’t as colorful and the game tends to be more frustrating. The DLC costs a fuckton too. But they’re compatible with a huge range of peripherals so you don’t have to worry about buying different controllers for different versions. Not like that Rockband/Guitar Hero bullshit. There are some cheat codes, but you could save a whole lot of a time buy simply investing in a GameShark-equivalent.
I think I ought to teach high school sex ed…
Polkster has his own site, and if you click here it will make him squeal with delight.
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December 15th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
I think I ought to teach high school sex ed…
It would at any rate be more entertaining.
According to my bloke, somebody did a study a while ago that concluded that looking at boobs for a certain amount of time every day increases a man’s life expectancy.
Of course, I have never seen a copy of the study in question and therefore have no idea about its credibility, but I like to believe that it is true.
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Tzanti reply on December 16th, 2008 2:32 am:
I was always slightly disappointed that sex education lacked a practical element…
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Ihmhi reply on December 16th, 2008 4:13 am:
Sex education for men in seven practical steps.
1) Even if you think you’re right in an argument, you’re not. Say you were wrong and apologize.
2) Fix fuckups with the following, in order of severity: chocolate, flowers, sentimental crap, jewelry. If you need something better than jewelry, you are well and truly screwed (and not in the good way).
3) That “be yourself” crap? It’s irrelevant for most women until they’re about 24+. 24 and lower, they don’t want you to “be yourself”. They want you to “be rich”, “be handsome”, and “be driving a fast convertible”. They’re just as shallow as us, guys!
4) Anything you do wrong, ever, will be brought up in an argument 10 years later. Try not to fuck things up too much. It gives her less ammunition.
5) Never break a promise. Women have memory like elephants. And don’t ever let her hear you using the phrase “women have memory like elephants”, because she’ll just think you’re calling her fat.
6) Some questions should not be answered with thinking. They should be answered with reflex. Even a delay of a few seconds will cost you a month of bedroom action. Examples: “Does this make my butt look big?” (No!) “Were you looking at that other woman?” (I only have eyes for you.), etc. Smoother/funnier men might be able to get away with other answers. Example; “Does this make my butt look big?” (Yes, and that’s the way I like it.)
7) Women think completely differently from men. Whatever is logical to you is madness to her (and vice versa). No matter what you do, you’re pretty much fighting a losing battle. It’s just a matter of how gracefully you can fail.
Can you tell I’m a realist? d:
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Andrew reply on December 16th, 2008 5:51 am:
Add to #6….
Sometimes a chuckle will cover almost anything… If she asks you a double edged question like “Does this make my butt look big?” try chuckling and kissing her. It’s as good as saying “Don’t be silly!” without actually calling her silly. And make sure it’s a chuckle and not some loud guffaw or racous laughter. Practice this. Daily.
captcha: Pios Pagan – A new oxymoron!
Ewan Wadharmi reply on December 16th, 2008 11:00 am:
On the “Does my butt look big/am I fat” problem, the previous posts are dangerously bad advice. I’m attracted to large ladies and can tell you from great experience that there is no correct (read safe) answer. I’ve tried “I like it,” Fail. I’ve tried “Only in all the right places,” Fail. I’ve tried “Oh yeah, Back that up to the loading dock,” Fail. I’m smarter than to chuckle in a situation like that, how condescending.
No, the correct response is to yell, “Fire!” and proceed swiftly to the nearest exit. If you show your woman consistent affection and compliment her attributes, you won’t be faced with these traps anymore. And seek out women with good self-esteem, that helps.
GBlair reply on December 16th, 2008 11:42 am:
‘Does my bum look big in this?’
‘No honey/sweetheart/darling/insert petname here, your bum always looks great/fantastic/small/beautiful no matter what you wear.’
No room for interpretation and no chance for more awkward questions. Worth a shot!
Speed reply on December 16th, 2008 1:42 pm:
All of the above is pretty much what I say. Inside my head, the chattering monkey yells, “Your butt looks big in everything because it IS big!”
Garret Morris in an old SNL skit said, “I like a big butt, something I can hit with a car antenna.”
Minty reply on December 16th, 2008 1:42 pm:
I always advised my male friends to answer the big butt/”do I look fat” question one of two ways:
1. If “no,” tell her she looks perfect, then give her a quick kiss and walk away. This avoids the “you’re just saying that” rebuttal.
2. If “yes,” pause for a second, then tell her the “cut” of the pants/skirt/dress/whatever is wrong for her body type. This allows you to be honest and flatter her at the same time. If she tries to trip you up with “well what do you think would look good,” go with “a-line skirt/dress” or straight pants. Every woman looks good in those cuts.
kereineko reply on December 16th, 2008 4:28 pm:
I asked that as a joke and well the funniest answer I heard was “No, but you ass makes my dick look big.” It had me laugh way to hard, then again if you date a secure person with a good sense of humor you don’t get into trouble with stupid questions.
Tzanti reply on December 18th, 2008 3:56 am:
I couple I know were out shopping one day. Neither of them could be termed ‘slender’ or ‘petite.’ In a clothing store, she comes out of the changing room in a a beautiful, slinky red silk dress. Glancing at the mirror, she turns to him and says,
“Sweetie, does the dress make me look fat?”
“No, dear,” He replies, “It’s the fat that makes you look fat.”
Lauren reply on December 16th, 2008 8:15 pm:
A man probably wrote that report to justify his ogling.
captcha: Tilson 794,275 the name of the guy who wrote the report and the number of times he was slapped for staring.
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Sweet Sister Morphine reply on December 17th, 2008 1:57 am:
They need a justification?
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December 16th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Just last night Paul Taylor (Wapsi Square) linked to the following article about one female’s view of her own assets:
http://www.thefword.org.uk/features/2008/12/i_was_saddened
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December 16th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Regarding the blog: boobies are only facinating to us because we dont have them. The one man that does (look it up) is getting paid like 20k a year to keep them by some research institute. I am personally a tummy man. A tight, defined abdomen on a woman is incredably sexy to me.
Likewise if i was ever caught saying this i would be shot but here goes: The secret to my sucess is knowing that the “right” woman is friggin hard to find. The trick is to find women with sex addictions or minor personality disorders to take up the time it takes to find the really good women.
This works because if you have a woman that has an incredably low self esteem (but is hot anyway. There are quite a few) you may have to tell her that she is hot more often but it will make her feel good about her self. Which in turn causes them to want to show their appreciation. I have repeated this cycle often enough to know it works. the only hard part is the break up. that can get messy.
For that i recommend the above mentioned Gameshar-Equivalent.
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Suomynona reply on December 17th, 2008 2:58 pm:
As a matter of fact, when some part of the body is considered to be “private” to a society, it psychologically becomes a turn-on for the opposite gender, unless you are gay. To a Muslim man, seeing the nape of a woman’s neck is about the biggest sexual pleasure, because a Muslim woman is only allowed to take off her head-covering for her husband. On the flipside, in many third-world countries, especially in the places all but untouched by Western civilization, women walk around with their boobs out all the time, and no one thinks anything of it.
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December 16th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I prefer to think of my boobs as bio-organic silos housing an emergency food supply for the inevitable nuclear winter. Ditto my ass.
Otherwise, they just get in the way. When has your penis ever interfered with playing pool?
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Stickfodder reply on December 16th, 2008 2:25 pm:
Most guys will agree that it isn’t exactly a blast to have to walk around in public with an erection.
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December 16th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I’m gay and I don’t play video games, so that entire last paragraph was lost on me. In WHAT way are ladies like giant Guitar Hero controllers made of dick flesh?!
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Stickfodder reply on December 16th, 2008 2:32 pm:
Hay, I’m straight and I play video games and even I don’t get the comparison. My guess is that you have to flick the right spots and press the right buttons at the right time or you get booed off stage.
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Minty reply on December 16th, 2008 2:40 pm:
I’m curious about the “dick flesh,” myself. Sure, parts of us are constructed out of ultra-sensitive, ultra-soft skin, but not most of us. That would really, really suck.
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Courtney reply on December 17th, 2008 6:48 pm:
that part was really confusing. Was he calling us dicks? I don’t get it.q
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December 16th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I love my boobies and get entranced by them on a regular basis, actually. I belong to a message board that’s probably 95% women, and we whip ’em out at least once a week, and talk about them even more often. From breast-feeding (which most of us do or have done, & IMO there’s no better way to gain an appreciation for your breasts) to opening the door for the hubby’s commanding officer while wearing nothing but a bra to which cleavage shot to send to someone on MySpace, we are collectively as obsessed with our breasts as men are rumored to be with their dicks.
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Stickfodder reply on December 16th, 2008 9:01 pm:
“…to opening the door for the hubby’s commanding officer while wearing nothing but a bra…”
Sooo you weren’t wearing ANYTHING else?
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Sabra reply on December 17th, 2008 6:55 pm:
‘Twasn’t me, ’twas someone else. I never wear anything at home, so Kuzma would’ve gotten a real eyeful back in the day.
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Stickfodder reply on December 17th, 2008 9:30 pm:
Wait did you actually answer the door like that?
December 17th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Here ya go. The supposed study and another I ran across whilst looking for the first. (.)(.)
snafu-ed.blogspot.com/2007/12/mens-life-extended-by-breast-ogling-uh.html
http://www.upi.com/Science_News/2008/10/19/Study_Cups_of_java_cut_cup_size/UPI-15601224390322/
Captcha = se Whitney…yep, topless please!
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December 17th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
“Not in that they’re both aesthetically pleasing or potentially functional, but in that it’s like just a heap of shit under a nipple and some soft flesh.”
Never let a woman catch you saying that…
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December 21st, 2008 at 1:23 pm
the best cheat codes for women are flowers and jewlry
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December 26th, 2008 at 12:46 am
I think it has something to do with the fact that these are normally the only two pairs of lobes of flesh unsupported by nearby bone structure on women that makes them fascinating to men (well, me at least).
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January 28th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Boobs are meant to be sexually attractive the way I heard it, they became an analogue for the buttocks once we evolved enough to start mating face to face instead of the way most animals do it (doggy)
captcha: gunboat abolition – I didn’t think you could literally abolish something but you never know
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