Sicko
In our house the babies room is the absolute farthest point from the master bedroom. Because of this, we have a crib set up in our bedroom. The logic is, each kid will usually wake up at least once a night and that kid will wake up the other one. And so to prevent us from having to cross the entire house several times, we just set them up across the room.
Which means that I was sleeping peacefully, minding my own business and slowly dozing off to sleep, when I heard a noise.
To fully appreciate the noise I need to give you a little piece of combat aircraft trivia.
The Airforce has a ground support plane called the A-10 Thunderbolt. Amongst the many impressive features of this plane, is the front mounted gun, called a GAU-8 Avenger. The Avenger is an automatic cannon that is design to more or less cut main battle tanks in half. If shoots about seventy rounds a second, and each one of those is a giant shell capable of going completely through a large orphanage without slowing appreciably. When it fires, the individual “pops” of the rounds going off are so close together that you cannot make them out. It all melds together into one larger sound, which comes off rather like a thick set of sail canvas being torn apart.
Well the sound I heard was rather like that. Except instead of 30mm depleted uranium, each round going off was a largish water balloon filled with chunky banana pudding.
My first thought was “What the hell was that?”
I then reflected on the sound and my second thought was “I really hope that wasn’t one of the babies.”
Further reflection made my third thought “If that wasn’t one of the babies then it was my wife….and that really isn’t the better option, considering that they are wearing diapers and she probably isn’t.”
Further investigation determined that my daughter was not feeling well, and had created some sort of poop tsunami apocalypse. The force of it had actually created a sort of “back blast” that had shot out of the waistband and legs of her Huggies. If there was any more force involved, there would have just been a baby shaped clean spot where she was sleeping, surrounded by a halo of poop, sort of like those pictures of Hiroshima victims, just less pleasant.
And thus my wife and I were introduced to the wonders of baby flu. It was determined that first thing in the morning we would call our Pediatrician, and seek medical advice. We bunkered down for a long and unpleasant night.
First thing in the morning, before we had a chance to call we received an email from the good Doctor informing us that his wife had just given birth, and that he was now on paternity leave. All I could think was, “Well that was rather rude of her. Couldn’t she have waited?” It turns out she could not, and thus we had to find alternative medical care rather quickly.
Shortly thereafter, my son caught it. And we discovered that being a talented lad, he is capable of creating horribleness from both ends simultaneously. Strangely, no matter which end it comes out of, it all looks the same. And there is so much of it. I know for a fact that he didn’t eat this much in the past week. He has already exceeded his body mass in filth, and I’m not sure where it keeps coming from. My current theory is that he has tapped into some previously unknown dimension that is made entirely of some sort of sour custard.
It’s not just the quantity that is a cause for alarm. It is the sniper like precision that he can place it, with pinpoint accuracy, exactly where it will cause the most chaos. On my phone, in my wife’s hair, down my shirt, directly past the towel we were holding in front of him to prevent a mess and onto the white carpet.
I suspect that this is revenge for the constant monitoring of his temperature. Since he is so little we have to use the thermometer “the hard way”. And the whole time he fights us and gives us a look of tiny indignant betrayal.
On the Doctors recommendation we have given them some gator aid in sippy cups to help replenish the electrolytes they are no doubt missing. Every time we do this I find myself saying “Brawndo has what babies crave!” My wife insists that this is not nearly as funny as I seem to think, but I know she’s lying.
To make matters worse my daughter has predictably developed diaper rash during this episode. We have just discovered, to our horror, that she is evidently allergic to the active ingredient in her rash ointment. Which means that she has nightmarishly bad diaper rash now.
Which is not at all good in combination with her intestinal troubles. The new treatment takes a long time and two adults to apply, since she now resists us over it. And if there’s one thing you don’t want when you have a baby with the flu, it’s to have their diaper off for any length of time. Changing is now a procedure akin to bomb disposal, with us in a race against the clock to get the job finished before something horribly goes off.
So for the past few days, and I really have no idea how many at this point, it’s all been a blur of cleaning up, hosing babies off, and occasionally passing out quietly for a little bit until the next crisis. Lack of sleep, and constant exposure to icky nastiness has resulted in a dramatic shift in attitude and priorities.
This afternoon I fell asleep while my daughter was sitting in my lap, nibbling on saltines. When I woke up she had managed to climb off the couch, open the remaining snacks and was very earnestly stuffing soggy crackers into all of my pockets, of which there were many as I was wearing cargo pants. She was concentrating very hard, and very deliberately slipping them in one at a time, as if this was the most serious and important work she had ever done. And this no longer even registered as strange to me. All I could think was “Thank whatever gods are listening that she’s not throwing up.”
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January 28th, 2011 at 2:06 pm
we called this the shit grenade. less impressive than how you said it, though.
I was disturbed to discover that there was such a thing as escape velocity for poop. I thought diapers were not simple redirectors of momentum, but made of some fabrics that carried a quantum intertia gun which magically restrained that stuff inside the contained blast zone. wrong. wrong. wrong.
ah, well.
And Brawndo totally has what babies crave. I am shocked at your wife’s (and mine’s) lack of understanding of what is clearly tremendously funny.
Pedialyte would be better, though, and it comes in apple juice form instead of MagicBlueZappoFromMichaelJordansCleanShavenArmpit flavor.
seriously, good luck. sweet jesus.
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Ix reply on January 30th, 2011 1:48 pm:
Pedialyte’s only better if you can get the kids to drink it. Considering that my memories of the stuff feature it as being one of the vilest things I’d ever tasted, I’d say to stick with the Gatorade as long as they’re happy with that.
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January 28th, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Hang in there, Skippy. Have you tried just plain A&D ointment (like this at Walgreens) instead of the zinc oxide kind? On my son it doesn’t get rid of the rash quite as quickly as the white stuff does, but he definitely likes it better.
Hey, here in Ohio the Cadbury eggs are in the stores already- maybe a friend or relative could bring you over a care package of them to cheer you up.
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January 28th, 2011 at 2:43 pm
I’d like to say it gets better when they’re older, but really, it doesn’t. There is a large gap between when they realize the necessity of “puke in the toilet” and when they’re actually able to do it. Add in being potty trained but still taken by surprise by “slippery poo” and so taking off underwear and running full-speed to the bathroom…There is not enough bleach in the world to make the hallway seem clean after that.
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January 28th, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Well, I’m pretty sure it will repel Zombies….
My first experience with this was with my first daughter. We were driving in Japan at the time. She just about blew herself out of the car seat. Car seats acted as effective back blast sheild and redirected the ocean of spewin poo up her back and around the sides. Horrific! We got some incredibly odd looks from the people at the japanese gas station as we hauled child and car seat our of the van (a rental to make it extra special) and began hosing both off. Child was stripped, clothes thrown away as was the liner for the car seat. We made haste for home trying to beat the next eruption of crackatoa.
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Songbob reply on February 8th, 2011 1:26 pm:
“next eruption of crackatoa.”
Wouldn’t that be “crapatoa?”
Bob
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January 28th, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Am I the only parent who notices that sometimes, parenthood is a lot like hazing?
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January 29th, 2011 at 7:32 am
Oh god, oh dear god in heaven!
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Sicarius reply on January 30th, 2011 12:36 am:
Baby: Ha HA, mine is an evil laugh!
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AFP reply on January 30th, 2011 6:02 am:
Parents: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
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January 29th, 2011 at 8:48 am
science is still try to figure out why th human race did not end after one generation.
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Jim A. reply on January 31st, 2011 10:24 am:
Memory loss.
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January 29th, 2011 at 10:43 pm
One day I had the misfortune of discovering just what projectile vomiting is like, when on the recieving end. My oldest daughter, who is now 12, was maybe a year old. I was kicked back on the couch, holding her. She was sitting on my lap, facing me, with her head resting on my left shoulder. I should note that it was hot in the house, so I wasn’t wearing a shirt. Next thing I know, she picks up her head, turns toward my right shoulder, and proceeds to launch a bullet-shapped glob of vomit across my body. I had a line of puke, ironically enough the same color of formula, stretching from my left shoulder to my right, across my chest. Then came the joy of having it all running down my body.
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January 30th, 2011 at 6:04 am
Skippy, three things:
1) I’m so sorry that you are living in such… interesting times.
2) I sincerely hope it warms the subcockle regions of your heart to know that I am deriving an intense amount of amusement from it, and I hope it warms your subcockles even more to know that I am entirely aware that karma demands I be the subject of similar schadenfreude.
3) Do y’all need like.. care packages or something? Candy, inflatable sheep, anything to make your lives a little easier? XD
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January 30th, 2011 at 9:21 am
Skippy – if your kids don’t like the rectal thermometers, do a Google search for “Vicks thermometers”, as they have a whole line made specifically for kids that don’t access that bodily orifice to take a good reading.
As for diaper rash, the best ointment the wife and I have found is Boudreaux’s Butt Paste. It’s thick and it works. No, seriously, it’s so thick, I think they missed out when they didn’t name it Butt Spackle. They could sell it with a tiny rubber applicator trowel and make millions.
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January 30th, 2011 at 10:04 am
One day Skippy, you will look back on this with great amusement while embarrassing the hell out of your children by telling this story to their dates, fiancees or spouses.
Meanwhile I am intensely trying to cease laughing long enough to stop turning blue.
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M578Jockey reply on January 31st, 2011 9:09 am:
Everyone in the office is just staring at me trying to figure out what was wrong with me as I read this. I don’t think I have laughed that hard since I read about the squid. Strange it didn’t seem anything likethat funny when my kids were doing these things to me.
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January 30th, 2011 at 8:51 pm
same here
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January 30th, 2011 at 10:30 pm
Ahhh…Memories.
Of all the ones that get erased, these aint gonna be them.
Ginger ale
cornstarch powder
how can one kid puke on an entire flight of stairs in one shot?
apple juice must be diluted
pepto is useless
range day can relieve more stress than tequila
more baby wipes
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January 31st, 2011 at 6:15 am
It could be worse http://x7d.xanga.com/ceff4a1672134238786830/b188837986.jpg
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January 31st, 2011 at 10:33 am
Brawndo does have what the babies crave, Skippy, don’t worry, you will survive and someday, this article will seem as funny to you as it does to those of us who have already gone through it……good luck and keep praying to whatever gods are listening.
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January 31st, 2011 at 1:17 pm
Been there, although I only had one thank goodness. I was breastfeeding at the time, and I remember very clearly nursing my daughter and feeling all the muscles tense in her tummy (if you’ve ever held a kid while they’re pooping you know exactly what I’m talking about). I paused to wonder if she had actually digested anything before I noticed it seeping through the back of her sleepysuit. After that it was just a blur of trying to keep up with the laundry and poop.
I feel for you man.
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January 31st, 2011 at 4:30 pm
Been there with my kids. Get a temporal thermometer, I like the exergen one, same kind they use at the doctors office. You can get these at any pharmacy or meglomart.
On the diaper rash. I strongly suggest stop using wipes, even the senstive skin ones for a while. Use a damp washcloth and/or cotton balls. Not nearly as easy or convienent but for mine it made a big difference in helping those issues get cleared up. Wipes are just too abrasive when things get bad.
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January 31st, 2011 at 10:13 pm
Butt Paste [yes, it’s really called that] is your friend. (I truly hope it is not this product that your offspring is allergic to.)
So are baths and a good, heavy lotion.
And yes, Gatorade is very good stuff for kids (or anyone) w/ diarrhea. Usually your doc will recommend cutting it 1-1 or 2 (water) – 1 (gatorade) before administering. Pedialyte is also good stuff, but a lot more expensive (and not particularly better by any account).
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February 1st, 2011 at 9:52 am
The words “baby poo” and “backblast” should never be used together. I have seen this effect, though luckily not quite to the effect you are describing.
But allow me to explain something. This is the reason I avoid babies. They are an insult to the fundamental nature of the universe. If you are near one you will be punished. The reason for this is simple. Astrophysicists have been baffled by black holes for decades. What they’ve all failed to realize is that babies are at the other end. That is how they manage to output significantly more than they input. All the stellar matter sucked into a black hole gets periodically ejected through all available orifices of a baby.
Good luck and remember to duck.
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February 1st, 2011 at 7:52 pm
If there’s a parent out there that hasn’t had stuff from all their childrens’ orifices hit them, I’d be surpised.
When I was 7 I woke up from a deep sleep about 2AM on a Saturday and promptly threw up into my closed mouth. I figured that I could calmly to the bathroom, down on the 1st floor, and empty my mouth into the toilet. The last time that I had missed, my mother made me clean it up, so that wasn’t going to happen again. I got to the top of the staircase and had gone down one step when the 2nd wave hit my mouth. I hit the steps, the walls and the ceiling with undigested tuna casserole. My mother had mercy on me, but made my dad help clean up. It too was the flu. My parents maintain that I had spewed a week’s worth of food.
My kid NEVER did that.
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February 2nd, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Back when my kids were in diapers (they’re 9 and 7 now), we discovered that my son has some gastro-intestinal issues. About twice a week, he’d get (what we called) crap-tacular.
My fondest memory of their diaper days is being at work and getting the frantic call from my wife that my son had woken up from his afternoon nap and discovered a surprise in his diaper… which he proceeded to paint the inside of his crib and the walls that he could reach with. “Sorry hon, it looks like I’m gonna have to work late tonite!”
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February 3rd, 2011 at 12:08 am
It’s been more than 25 years since my mother had to deal with a poop tsunami and she still remembers it with a shudder of revulsion – apparently they weren’t certain what the wet coughing sound was and discovered a baby covered in both poop and vomit…
Stay in there dude, any day now they’ll wake up and except for the laundry and diaper rash, it’ll be like it never happened :-)
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February 3rd, 2011 at 12:54 pm
This had me laughing until I cried. My husband and I went through this a couple of years ago and I remember how bad it was. I am both sympathetic to your problem and greatly amused by your pain. It’s a funny place to be.
Thanks for making my day.
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February 25th, 2014 at 4:07 pm
I feel you dude. I know it is long since past, but I have gone through the same thing when my little sister (now 11) had it. Although, we were at a Chinese buffet. Unfortunately, their highchairs had closed backs, like a carseat. It went EVERYWHERE! I’m surprised none ended up on the ceiling! All the other mothers in the place immediately came over and helped. The manager came out with some diapers from her little one. Mom stayed there after Dad took us home, helping them clean up. She was told that she didn’t have to, but Mom said that she wasn’t going to leave after her baby made a huge mess.
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